It's a long one so apologies in advance...
I own (mortgaged) my home where me and my boyfriend live which I bought it before we met (6 years ago) and before the arrival of our DD (15 months ago).
When we met my boyfriend moved in and it was agreed he would pay minimal rent so if we were to sell and buy somewhere together the profits of where we are currently would be solely mine.
I am the main income and earn considerably more than my boyfriend.
Following the birth of DD I return to work after a year off on maternity leave, Since being on Maternity Leave my boyfriend helped out more with some bills but many months I found myself going into my savings to be able to afford to live.
I have returned to work 4 days a week and contractually dropped 1 day which has meant quite a pay decrease in my salary.
We have DD in nursery 2X days a week, grandparents 2X days a week and then she is with me 1X day a week. So we’re VERY lucky in the fact that we don’t have to pay 5 days of nursery fees.
I buy and have bought everything for DD, Car seats, Carrier, Push chair, clothes, bed, monitors, First Birthday party etc etc
My boyfriend also doesn’t drive and so I do every Nursery/Grand Parents drop off & Pick up. His working hours also means that even if he could drive he wouldn’t be able to help with drop offs.
I’m very much the default parent in the relationship as well as the provider.
I am due to re-mortgage in August and due to the increase of mortgage rates currently I’m looking at paying £500 more PCM and with the cost of nursery it now means that my earnings working 4 days a week will be less than my outgoings.
Our current outgoings are £2000 PCM and on a good month my boyfriend will give me £800 (doesn’t always happen) and from August will be going up to around £2500.
Am I wrong for wanting my boyfriend to get a better job? Something that pays higher (there’s no progression at his current work), hours that can help me out with drop offs/pick ups, his job is very much a ‘young mans’ job and very active which he cannot do forever (scaffolder), paid sick leave and a job that contributes to his pension. (He is 33 and not paid anything into a pension) so that things are a bit more even.
He is also self employed so if ever DD has a day off unwell or a doctors appointment/health check, I will be the one to look after her or take the time off work. Meaning I’m more at risk of being a burden at work with my parental responsibilities and with redundancies looming at work, I’m worried that if I get made redundant we will not be able to afford to live.
I would like for him to contribute more money per month but he doesn’t get paid well, and isn’t very good with money. His payments to me each month are hit and miss and being self employed means that if he has a week of not working he can’t pay me. I want him to realise that he wouldn’t have this option if he was renting off a landlord - that there’s no option to skip a week or months payment. I did think about setting up a joint account, for all of our outgoings, that he transfers his money into but his credit rating isn’t great and I don’t want this to impact me. Is there another option?
To make matters worse, he’s had to have 2 months off work this year due to a knee operation and is due a second operation soon that will require him to have a further 3 months of work. As he is self-employed with no insurance he has had no income whilst he has being off so has not paid me anything and will not be able to help for the 3 months he has off soon. We have of course managed because it’s something that cannot be controlled and his health is important but I can’t help but feel resentful that if he was in a different job that had sick pay or a less physical job that he could go back to sooner post operation then things would be so much easier.
Am I asking too much for him to change careers? He’s not motivated to do better, he’s not the type to have an office job, he finds admin tasks impossible (he would never update his CV or actually apply for jobs) and I don’t know what it would take to actually push him to change jobs. I think he would actually stay where he is forever if I don’t push him in another direction. Him not being independent and doing things for himself infuriates me. Do I just bite the bullet and mother him into finding a new job but I don think he’ll do it unless I give him an ultimatum which will cause resentment because he’s not actually doing it for himself (not that he ever would).
I have been thinking do I go back to work 5 days a week and miss that day with DD which I LOVE and cherish, or do I try and adjust my hours (8am to 5pm) try and do 5 days in 4 by working an added 2 hours each day? Meaning I would be working long hours and have to find alternative arrangements for pick up or drop offs. But I feel like this will make me resent him because I’m having to sacrifice time with my daughter and what I want to do for him to be able to stay at his job with no progression, rubbish pay and not great working hours.
But the bottom line is the current situation is not working or making me happy and so something needs to change.
I find it REALLY difficult to talk about finances with him because I find myself getting angry at how unfair I find things. He doesn’t know exactly how much money I have/earn and I do have some savings but they aren’t there to be used for bills and I don’t think that partners should know exactly how much money each other have. I’m unsure exactly how much he earns but I know it’s a lot less that me. When I do try and discuss my concerns about money I get the same response ‘everything will be fine’. Which it usually is, but only because I dip into my savings to get by. Am I wrong for being mad that he doesn’t feel the financial burden? He’s always had it sweet with not having to pay much, being able to pay when it’s convenient for him and not having the title of provider or default parent. But on the other hand I do want him to be able to save so that he has money to do things with too.* *
I currently don’t feel like there is balance but don’t know if I’m being unfair and what others would do or say in this situation.
Thanks in advance for any feedback or help.