To genuinely hate weekends with kids

[ithinkineehelp]

I need to rant as I can’t take it any more. I HATE weekends, to the point that it makes me question why I ever became a mother. I have two boys 5 yo and 3.5 yo. I WANT to enjoy them but they are too much!!! From the moment they wake up (7ish) to the time they go to bed (8ish) they just want want want. It’s constant!! They keep doing their own things, they scream ALL DAY they whine about everything and they whole vibe at home is so negative.
I shout so much and I become a person I hate, but I feel that I am so sick of this whole motherhood thing. I am so overwhelmed and overtouched and overtalked. I can’t do anything I like or eat anything I like. They won’t eat anything, they won’t watch tv not even for 5 minutes, if they play together they pull all the toys down and make a mess and then they fight over one toy. I have to constantly be on top of them. I have zero down time or any time to catch up on any housework or anything else that's not kids related. My husband is useless so everything is on me (story for another thread, please dont fixate on this!!!).
I also have to batch cook for the coming days (we both work full time), sort out all the weekend meals (my kids won’t eat take out or anything from a restaurant) but then they won’t eat anything anyway. I might need to pop to the shops but if I take one of the kids with me I end up yelling or too annoyed at them. We take them out to parks and stuff but they soon get hungry, won't eat anything and then they are miserable. I love them to bits and I want to enjoy them but I can’t!!! They are too much along with everything else I need to do!! I hate my life and I wish I could just leave or jump out a window sometimes... Everyone keep telling me that I am still in the trenches but honestly when will it get easier?? I just need them to eat the food I make them and watch TV without talking to me for an hour! Is it too much to ask??

This thread makes me feel a lot better at how shit a mum I used to feel when my kids were younger. Especially with a perfect family on DH’s side who basically thought I was lazy

OP your problem is your DH, on the food and the overwhelm front. But you know that. If you’re not willing to leave him or to lay down the law then this is about survival. The real turning point for us was around age 6. Mine are 10&7 and I LOVE the weekends now. We watch them play sports, bike ride, go into town, watch films together, eat takeaways together. They do scrap and bicker but it’s easy to talk them down. It will pass. Stay strong OP

When do you have fun as a family?
When my kids where that age we had the kids out virtually all day. Obviously I don't know where you live but we would go to country parks with picnic with a football, or go the beach with kites, balls, bats etc
Where I live it's easy reach of Manchester for the Science museums, Southport and Blackpool and the Flyde coast for beaches and country parks are also within easy reach.
I just let them burn energy off and enjoy the outdoors.
I bought a note book and dud a write up each wweekend and got the eldest to say what he liked about the days. Years later it made some lovely memories of what we used to do.

he said they managed fine and doesn’t know why I make such a fuss. But I had arranged for babysitting who also did all the meals, and extra cleaner so realistically he only had to do the fun stuff and keep them alive
Why do everything beforehand?
How will he learn to do anything if there's nothing for him to do?

@EnglishBluebell are you this intolerably smug ordinarily?

Evidently, something is amiss, or OP wouldn't not have posted what she has.

OP, you sound just like a family I know. They stay in almost every weekend apart from a walk in the park for an hour, and she spends the rest of the time batch cooking, cleaning around the kids and yelling at them while they bounce off the walls. She's always run down and in tears, her husband is the same way, it's horrible to watch. My kids are just under 2 years apart in age, also boys, and list of priorities for the weekend when they were 3 and 5 (theyre now 6 and 8 and it's much the same) were:

1. Take the kids somewhere where they can use all their energy playfully instead of fighting- swimming, walks, soft play, bikes/push-bikes.
2. Spend qualite time focusing on them, because we havent seen much of them all week due to work - read books, build something out of duplo together, play with trains, playdough - calmly show them how to play nicely by playing with them, and give them my full and undivided attention.
3. Once theyre saturated physically with exercise and mentally with my attention, give the house a thorough clean. By this point they were more than happy to do some quiet colouring or watch some TV.
4. Divide tasks with my husband. He's not great at playing with kids, so he focuses more on cooking.

Remember that stress creates more stress. Youre full of excuses ("I have to batch cook because...cant take them to softplay because..."), and youre also subconsciously pushing them away constantly to give you some peace, and they can sense that, so theyre clinging on harder, shouting louder, whining more. Im convinced that if you try my bullet points above, you'll see a change. Any change can only come from within you...it wont come from the kids, because they always mirror us.

Mine would also fixate on that. So instead of having icecream at the end of the trip, it was the first thing we did as we arrived.

It meant it was done and out the way and they were slightly more amicable to playing leave me alone

You're not "very lucky". That's the way it should be.
All these men are very lucky to have wives who do all the childcare, housework, life organisation and paid employment as well.

@Jasmine222 has some good points.
You're both going to have to model good play with them. Building with lego or play doh, train sets or whatever.
You're going to have to talk to your husband about parenting. He's not allowed to leave all the family responsibility to you.

It does get better, I remember dreading weekends when mine were younger. I’d totally forgotten that until I read your post. They are 19 and 16 now, life is so easy parenting as they are such good kids too. My 19yr old DS was such hard work the first 2yrs then he was like a dream child

This is a very tough age. It will get easier.

Firstly, sympathy. It is so HARD.

A couple of things that made my life easier..get them out as early as you can and wear them out. Park, run, bikes , swim... Don't wait until later in the day.

Don't ask them what toys they want or wait for them to get toys out. Keep them engaged by leaving out things they haven't seen for a while in an interesting way. Best way to do it is put away some toys and rotate. Eg leave out a half opened box of old toys and see what happens. They are likely to engage better with the toys because they will be interested. However many toys kids have, if they see them every day they will be bored of them and boredom leads to bad behaviour.

Same for food. Lay out a platter of finger food, making sure most of it is healthy and just let them choose rather than encouraging them to eat all the time. Mix sweet with savory so they have total control of what they eat rather than telling them what they need to finish first.

This wil get better!

This is not a helpful comment to a mum who is at her wit's end.

Sorry OP but your DH is the main problem here.

Asking for advice on how you can solve the problem without actually acknowledging that this is your main problem is just daft.

I am going to ask a blunt question, have you considered that you may be suffering from undiagnosed post partum depression? And so may your husband (being entirely charitable here because otherwise he sounds like a prize chump!). That would explain why you feel so overwhelmed and tired and why you wouldn't take both kids out on your own (happened to me, spent my time crying, furious and thinking what have I done on days that went on forever, also contemplated ending it all but then realised the life insurance wouldn't kick in to give the kids a better life so didn't and then got help off a fabulous health visitor). In any event, what I am reading is you work 8-6 5 days a week and then come back to a full time job in the house looking after your kids (who are at the age where they need a parent to do stuff), you are responsible for making meals and you are doing all the chores. It is no wonder you are exhausted. What does your husband do other than go to work and wind up the children by not enforcing boundaries? It sounds like neither of you had bought into having a child when child no 1 arrived but that you have womaned up to deal with it and he has dotted around the perifory of being the fun dad but not maning up to do the actual hard work of parenting. He needs to make up his mind - is he in or out? And you need to decide if the situation is better with or without him. Easier said than done I know but if he continues to be useless and you continue as you have been, for one thing, you will get very ill and be of no use to anyone and for another, by not addressing his incompetence you are actually enabling his enforced uselessness. The man is not helping you and is actively working against you and the children by refusing to enforce boundaries. The kids are getting mixed signals and that i am sure is part of the issue with their behaviour - you enforce boundaries, husband doesn't back you up, they whine as kids do, he gives in, you get undermined, they get what they want, you and husband aren't happy and children learn whining avoids boundaries. Give yourself some grace - you are spinning all the plates. Don't try to tackle everything at once. Accept your house will for a little while look like you are 6 days into battling a poltergeist. There will always be housework needing done. Allocate a room a day for cleaning and split the jobs with husband. Get 3 year old to join in - here, put this truck in that box. Can you help mummy put the laundry in the basket? Can you find the blue pegs so daddy can hang up the socks? All positive interactions with your children while getting stuff done. While one of you is cleaning, the other could be doing bath time and a game or story with the kids which is bonding time. For dinner, invest in a slow cooker, bung everything in the SC first thing in the morning and dinner is ready at night - no need to batch cook. If you want to batch cook, engage your child. Let them smell the spices or mix up sauces. If DC only eat plain pasta, so be it at this stage. Whoever is first in can whack it on and you can introduce other foods when you are on top of this situation- fed is best at this stage. Look at your days and ascertain what needs to be achieved and build a chart of what needs to be done and when and make sure you build in play time with the kids where your only focus is them. You also need to build in downtime for you and your husband be it an hour at the gym, getting your nails done or whatever, heck, even a date night oncd a month so you connect as Fred and Jane rather than mummy and daddy. At the end of the day, write down 3 things you are grateful for. This can be as simple in the beginning of being I have a roof over my head, I have food on the table and a job to provide those things. Gradually as you start to focus on the positives, the negatives in life will start to lessen as your brain is retrained to find joy. Consider actively dealing with your husbands incompetence as short term pain for long term gain (and I get it, forcing him to man up is one more thing on your already ridiculously long to do list but in doing so, you understand that your life cannot continue as is or you will burn out and where will your children be then and you are actively taking back control of your life by making changes - a positive move designed to take back joy). Both you and your children deserve better than what this man is bringing to the table. I understand you cannot see the woods for the trees right now but it absolutely will get better. Big hugs - you have totally got this mama bear ❤️

Don't batch cook. There is some good advice here about giving bland, basic finger food. It's not ideal, but it doesn't matter, you're building habits.

As food seems to be the main source of your issues I would sit down as a family and say you have new rules to keep you healthy, we aren't going to be eating sweets/ice-cream etc. Maybe a small treat after tea (cue crying and whinging but ignore).

The say privately to your husband next time he gives them any junk food you will be immediately leaving the house for the day until after bed time so he can deal with the consequences (cue crying and whinging but ignore). If this does happen, you go off and have a relaxing day doing whatever you want. Repeat until he understands.

I have two children from two separate relationships , I felt gow you felt when I was a single mother and although you said not to fixate we must fixate as your husband needs to do more ! Your burnt out your tired and now it's affecting other things, you need him to step up ot step out and you need to have these honest conversations with yourself and get him to help you more I know this because now I have help from my current partner my youngest dad who helps me with both children we work together to avoid feeling burnt out

Firstly, it does get easier. MUCH. I remember hating weekends when mine were younger and I my husband is very supportive and absolutely did 50:50. But they are demanding of your time when they are little. However, yours are old enough to know boundaries and you should set them. Food and eating is tough. My youngest can be fussy and she is 11. I often just let her have cereal for dinner because she isn't a big eater and she has a good lunch. I don't believe in the, 'eat what is served or nothing'. They grow out of the fussiness. BUT, they must let you have their space. Be stronger with them on that. I refuse to let my kids speak over me, crawl all over me or grab me. I absolutely need space and time to myself. Just go out and leave your husband to it. He will cope. The kids will cope.

It does get easier. But be firm with them and put yourself first. If you don't look after yourself, they won't be getting the best version of you. You deserve it and so do they. and tell your husband to pull his finger out!

I know that you can't do anything about this but I think this is where the issue lies. Their cups are so empty by the weekend that of course they want you. They've also spent all week modelling good behaviour at nursery and preschool and keeping all of their big feelings bottled up, so they're probably coming to the surface on Saturday and Sunday.

I think the idea of dropping them off for organised activities isn't a great one as they clearly need to be close to you - they sound desperate to be shown that they matter (that's effectively what 'will you play with me' on repeat is). Agree with the other posters that it all comes back to your OH, you need to be able to give each other breaks whilst giving your boys the love and support and closeness that they're craving x

Bless you 😓 I’ve been there and it’s horrible to feel like there’s no other break you ever going to get!
You sound really overstimulated, which is how I get too. One of my twins has the whiny voice and is nearly 3 but still cries for me when I even nip to the toilet for a minute. Or am morally in the same room as him but cooking tea instead of holding him. Have you tried loop earplugs? They help take the edge off the whine a bit but you can still hear. Doesn’t help with the intensity of the neediness but it’s something.
Another tip I read recently, is if you’re starting to feel overwhelmed, it can help reset your nervous system to go wash your hands and focus on the feeling of the water and nothing else for a moment, to help you reconnect with senses of that makes sense? Not tried it yet but I’m going to next time my boys are really stressing me out… so probably in about an hour’s time!
It might be a bit of a loop they are in with the high carb/sugary foods too. My parents watch the boys while I work on a Tuesday and their behaviour is horrendous after and I’m starting to think it’s because she brings a lot of sugary snacks for them. I noticed a huge difference a few weeks ago when the boys were on a strict time schedule for food due to antibiotics, they couldn’t have the snacks that they usually have and my Mum noticed they were fighting and whining so much less.
I totally empathise with the fussy eating though and how wild they get when hungry so it is so easy to just get something that they will eat to prevent it. I’ve no idea what the solution is, could you ask nursery how they get them to eat differently there?
There is an interesting documentary I saw a few years back about high carb/sugar diets and their impact/tips for change. It was called The Magic Pill I think.
I hope you can find something that helps so you can start enjoying the time with your little ones more xx

Unfortunately not much will change until you sit down with your other half and tell him what you want from him. You need to communicate clearly and firmly what you need from him.

Secondly I would put your eldest down for a football team; training once a week a match once a week is the usual routine. Every Saturday morning you or your partner take him - this will give him focus and burn off energy. If he doesn’t want to play football start playing pass in the garden with him and saying “oh wow that was such a good pass you’ve getting good at this, wow look at you etc”.

Thirdly, I would hide a few toys (this will limit tidying up) and keep the ones out that aren’t too much trouble to tidy away.

Re food, be firmer. Absolutely no sweets or chocolate if they’re not eating any healthy foods. I don’t refer to sweets and chocolate as bad food but I do educate my child on nutrition. Be firm with your dp. I wouldn’t tolerate my partner giving sweets when they whinged about their lunch, it’s lazy parenting at its best and he’s thinking about his own needs (let’s shut them up so I can have some peace me me me) and not your children’s needs.

Have a rule that you do something for your self each day for at least half an hour. A body balance / mediation you tube video or a walk. Trust me on this you will see the difference before and after.

Life can be tough but you will move through this.

I would try to get them into a Saturday activity. Preferably a team sport. This has the dual effect of giving focus to your day (and one parent takes whilst the other has a break or does house stuff) and it tires them out (plus health benefits/friends/etcetc). And if they 'miss you' well it's kind of tough for an hour or so-they will get used to it.

Someone said above, could you reduce your work hours so that your weekends aren’t so stressful? Eg do some of your cooking and chores on the weekend?

regarding the “won’t sit still, won’t watch a film, only eat specific foods (plain pasta)” have the school or yourself picked up any learning difficulties such as ADHD? Maybe this is the reason they won’t keep still? Have you had any feedback from their teachers? If not, can you ask them what they are like in school?
Someone else mentioned taking them out to play such as go for a muddy walk and collect sticks (my son is nearly 4 and loves this) throw stones in rivers? Just to get out of the house for a little while. I always feel it’s calmer out of the house and less shouting.
if you are feeling this way I am so sorry. Do you have any family who can help? Can they come and visit you and help out?
motherhood is hard you are doing a great job.
dont be too hard on yourself.
i always think, lots of kids are very fussy with food. It’s a phase, they will get better at trying more things as they get older.
good luck. I hope things get better for you.

This is so hard, OP. Have you considered trying those things that look like pasta but have protein in them (I think there's a lentil one) or lentil crisps, etc, to get their blood sugar a bit more stable? I would honestly push through them saying they miss you and get some activities in the diary, perhaps for one at a time so you get one on one time with the other. A lot of kids eat better when someone who isn't their parents ask them too (on best behaviour at nursery but melting down at home is common) so is there some time when they are eating OK to ease your worry? If your DH isn't contributing in labour terms can he eg pay for a cleaner or to reduce meal prep costs? Or if he doesn't want to do childcare (I know, I judge him for that too) can he do the cooking? Be kind to yourself and know you are doing well just keeping everyone alive in this situation.

Just give your kids the food they ask for, seriously! I make 3 meals most nights but they do not fight over food at all. Plus your kids are small yet, I worried about my youngest eating nothing, he was so skinny 😭 the dietician told me to never make a fight over food given him whatever he will eat. He's 12 now and eats a bigger variety of things than me 🤣.

If you think it's bad now its not getting better 🤣Mine are 12 and 15 now. They fight like cat and dog. Mam he's breathing loud, mam he keeps looking at me, mam he won't look out of his own window, he keeps looking out mine, mam he licked my biscuit so now I can't eat it, mam he sneezed/coughed/burped/farted on me! these were some of the arguments yesterday 🤣 stop being so serious and just let them be.

It's hard, it's frustrating and at times absolutely infuriating but when you start ignoring a lot of the shit bits it's easier to manage. Put your program on with subtitles, eat whatever dinner it is you want and lock the door when you go to the toilet, even if you don't need and you just want 5 mins to eat your biscuit in peace 🤣. If you stop wanting it to fit your narrative and accept it the way it is youl be much happier. Loads of people look like their winning, they aren't I can assure you!

You have my sympathies OP. I feel that my DC are so needy of me specifically and I crave the downtime. I find it hard to relate to them as when I was a child I was happy to spend hours on my own playing with my toys, drawing or watching TV. I didn’t want my parents involved in any of my games. Family time is all a bit much sometimes.