Why is your teenager or grown kid happy or successful?

[SometimesIDowonder]

Hi,

I have young kids. I'm just interested in what people have done as parents that they think benefitted their child in the long run. Or was it not something you did, just luck?

I'm not defining 'success' so that can mean whatever you think it means, not just financial.

Well i mean some of it is luck. I think a good start is a happy and safe home where parents are interested, loving and are involved in their dc. I think that encouraging interests and facilitating hobbies all help to have a happy and rounded child. Thing is so much of their lives are not in your control so bullying etc can all create an unhappy child. Elder dc was very sad during teenage years and tricky even though he had stability, love and opportunity at home. Younger teenage ds is happy and confident, a different personality. As a family we believe in valuing education whatever that leads to and understanding and enjoying the wider world. One dc is more confident than the other and one is intrinsically a happier soul than the other. It is an interesting question!

The first thing to say is that on MN you will never be allowed to imply that anything you did as a parent in any way contributed to your DC’s future happiness or success!
Yet, if you reverse engineer the things that people from disadvantaged backgrounds lack, a pattern emerges, so with my hard hat firmly on my head I’ll say:

• stable family life and home where children felt safe and that they belonged
• basics like enough space, food, heat etc
• adults around them to guide, coach, educate, set boundaries as well as do all the day to day parenting ‘care’ and admin
• good education with many opportunities and friendships
• Time with parents to explore things, ask questions, discuss, argue, be coached in ‘life’ things
• Appropriate levels of independence at various ages and the skills and confidence to be independent

Some will shoot me down but unless there are very impactful adverse events I think it’s innate.

When I see elderly clients with difficult adult children so many say they were difficult from birth.

I think it's mostly setting by example, if you conduct yourself well, they will have a good role model to copy. And as others say a stable loving home life is an excellent start in life

However, I know families with heroin addict children sans ones with mental health issues and their family set up has been the same as mine.

One friend has the older teen who is perfect studious numerous worthy hobbies appropriate friendships. The other has just been expelled and is - well imagine a parent of teens worst nightmare and there you have it. Same upbringing.

Both my teens are relatively happy (with occasional exam stress or hormonal induced moments!)
I do think some of it is luck in truth!
For me the big thing has been having extended family nearby. If they have down times (friendships/sport etc) they have cousins, grandparents and aunts/uncles to hang out with - more people that they know love them and different voices (not just their annoying parents). I also acknowledge that having this is luck too 😁

Parents who adapt with the child to a mentor role in the teen years. Lots of independence and responsibility combined with a high expectation that they don’t act like a dick. We enjoyed making time to listen and just enjoy our teens - so many parents (on MN) seem to set themselves up for battle with draconian rules and sodding domestic chores 🙄. Just let them grow, support their endeavours and give them a non judgemental space to be themselves.

But is that retrospectively remembering. For example my dc1 is confident and I think yes he's been confident from 3 months old. But really is that the case, or is it selective memory or attraction of a characteristic onto a baby who has yet to have any?

Consistency, routine (especially around sleep), stability, rules and appropriate consequences and respect. DS is a delightful 16 year old. Sure, we've had minor bumps along the way and there will be many more I'm certain of it.
Those saying siblings who had the same upbringing but somehow turned out so differently are looking at things rather short-sightedly. Just because you grew up in the same house does not mean you had the same upbringing

Yes I was thinking this. I know lovely parents whose kids in one case have a heroin addiction and in another case they had a real challenge finding a job, often changing, not really happy etc... despite living in an area of high employment.

I think it’s quite unfair to say “I did xyz and my late teen / adult child is successful happy and confident”. My friend did all she could and is a devoted parent but her younger now mid teen is massively problematic.

Both mine are gorgeous easy popular hard working and clever but im not going to pat myself on the back - luck and genetics have played a part.

I think a lot of it is innate.

I’d add loving kindness, consistency, modelling positive behaviour, stability, encouraging age-appropriate independence, being interested in them as individuals.

I see what you're saying. But siblings don't have the same upbringing. For example say there are 3 sisters each 3 years apart. Sister 1 is raised as an only child for 3 years, the others aren't. By the time sister 3 comes along is easier for parents to drive instead of walk. Equally parents lives change. Maybe the dad gets a stressful job during sister 3s teenage years and by then sister 1 has left home.

I'm not saying I know what caused the issues, or even if it was anything the parents did, but siblings are not raised in the same way even if parents try. And that doesn't even count what if there favourites and personality clashes.

Yes I do get what you're saying. I expect my dcs to have an easier ride at school than me as they are taller and better looking. That parts just down to luck.

I can't quite tell if you're asking a general nature/nurture question or looking for things you can do as a parent to improve DCs life chances. So I'm going to answer question 2.

We know from decent quality research that a loving family home is key. Your DC need enough food, adequate shelter and any health conditions they have to be treated promptly. Make sure that no sight or hearing problems go unspotted/uncorrected. If any domestic abuse arises then get help and get the child away along with their loving, non-abusive caregivers. Treat and manage any poor mental health to the best of your ability. Do what you are able to avoid air pollution. That is, don't smoke or allow others to smoke, don't burn open flames in the house especially not coal or wood but also gas. If you can avoid living on a busy road then do. Deal promptly with damp and mould in the house. Brush the child's teeth and see a dentist regularly for checkups.

Those are the things we know for sure. Everything else is less certain despite what you read in the media. There are lots of studies about all sorts of other things that might help or harm children but they range from "strong hypothesis" to "based on some spurious piece of research or possibly just made up to sell newspapers."

From a middle class icing on the cake point of view I think my kids have benefited hugely from music lessons and participating in choirs and orchestra because it's given them a skill, a community, sense of worth and purpose. However that's probably statistically insignificant compared to us having enough money and health to keep them away from most adverse life experiences so far.

Ds is 15. Right from coming home from hospital with him as a newborn we had routines. Through his early childhood there was lots of stimulation, love and fun, but also consistency and boundaries. We have encouraged and supported his interests and hobbies. We talk a lot, we show interest in his opinions and expect him to listen to ours.

He’s doing fine, not an academic genius, just a stable, confident, happy boy. Is that down to us? Or just personality? A bit of both I think.

Yes that's it, it's like what can I do to help them and should I sweat the small stuff. We're fortunate to have a decent standard of living and we're well educated. But I've known many people in my position whose kids have struggled as teens or adults. Yet I've seen friends from poorer backgrounds with happy healthy teens who go on to have pretty good jobs.

I like your answer though because it reminds us of the basics like looking after our mental health and dealing with mould. You can just take this for granted or forget its impact but it's important.

My mum was a SAHM and spent a lot of time reading to me and with me, playing lots of games, teaching me lots of things (flower names for example), getting me to write things and generally encouraging a love of reading and learning when I was little - so I did the same with mine. I also had swimming and piano lessons and always did my homework - and mine did too. However my mum had no idea how to handle teenagers or that they still need a lot of support and I think I've done a better job at that stage. An engaged, supportive parent is key IMO.

A negative one - My DS is only 14 but already I regret having talked at a point where I should have listened. I was so desperate to defend myself that I couldn't just shut up and let him say what he needed to say. It was a big mistake and I'm still feeling the effects now, a year on. So - don't be like me!

All of the above plus excerise. Any excerise, whatever they'll do and enjoy for as long as possible, ideally til they leave school. So good for their mental health and gives them an outlet away from school. Encourage participation and practice over preformace though.

Aw sorry to hear this. Yes I think it's too easier mistake to make to give an answer without fully listening, especially in a steessful or triggering situation. You sound nice because you admit you made a mistake. I hope it works out.

Yes it's really important I feel. So much of what we talk about is fiddling about in the margins but completely geared to things that don't make much difference. Newspapers love things like "studies show that more than 20 hours screentime a week leads to poor school performance" Cue a load of middle class people patting themselves on the back for not doing anything so DREADFUL as letting a child on screens for 20 hours, and a load of people having a really really shit time whose kids are on screens 20 hours plus feeling terrible about themselves.

When you drill into the data, you will probably find it's a study of only a few people and there's a massive correlation between the screentime and something else terrible going on in the child's life (children whose single parent is doing two or three jobs at unsocial hours to make ends meet, living in a violent area criss-crossed with busy roads, or where someone in the family is seriously ill). And instead of saying "well perhaps this shows children shouldn't grow up in poverty, in concrete jungles with no facilities and unable to get proper medical care" we wag our fingers and say "you should try harder to keep your child off screens; no wonder they're failing."

I love reading and thinking about parenting and I really care about doing a good job, but we really can deceive ourselves about what matters if we're not careful.

Thanks for your kind words! It does feel awful to think our relationship could have been so much better if not for my fucking up that one important conversation. But the therapists say it's never too late to build bridges. I do try but it's hard.

I was also roasted on another thread for never saying "I love you" to the kids now that they're bigger - something my own parents never did to me. Another challenge!