Why is your teenager or grown kid happy or successful?

[SometimesIDowonder]

Hi,

I have young kids. I'm just interested in what people have done as parents that they think benefitted their child in the long run. Or was it not something you did, just luck?

I'm not defining 'success' so that can mean whatever you think it means, not just financial.

I'd say all my 3 DC have made a successful transition into adulthood. I was very firm in my parenting technique. DC knew to come home from school and get on with their homework before early dinner then activity for most evenings. If they had no set homework that night fine, then work on some revision for an hour. From an early age I taught them if they made a commitment they stuck to that commitment. No agreeing to do something or go somewhere then getting what they thought was a better offer and ditching their commitments. I've always taught them to budget and save as well. They learned if they want something they work for and save for it until they can afford it. To think before they reply. To be graceful in defeat but to play to win. To give of their best effort and to try to be helpful to others if they can. Also to find the strength to say no to something they know is wrong. Not to just follow the crowd. All 3 are very different people but are similar in the way they live their lives. They all work hard, have many friends, are reliable and trustworthy and are all quite competitive in achieving their aims. None smoke, none take drugs, only one drinks in moderation. All are buying their own homes and successfully manage their own money. None have lots of things on credit and pay off credit cards at the end of most months. All have good health including MH and I have a good relationship with them all.

They all still engage in sports today as adults.

Mine are young adults. I think the key is to set boundaries but also allow them to be able to grow up steadily, to encourage education but also let it be down to them to put in the work... balancing act.

Mine were state educated but we were relative affluent so they were able to experience things others I'm aware could not including playing instruments, taking trips abroad to cultural sites etc. I worked part time.

Was it luck? Partly but you play a role as a parent. Mine are lovely young adults and one is at the start of an amazing career track, the other, who knows?

Yes this. I work with young people and parental expectations cause many problems. My kids are all very different. DH and I both very academic. None of our children are. That could have been a recipe for disaster

Just follow the hierarchy of needs.

https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html

If you follow this adapted for children it should work.
https://www.bravehearteducation.co.uk/whats-hierarchy-needs/

If a lower layer is suddenly a problem you always need to sort that first. For example, friendship and sense of belonging has to come first for children. Sometimes it includes friendship with a sibling. Something as simple as severe sibling rivalry has to be sorted out.
So in a nutshell I think the basics always have to be in balance first and then you can focus on the rest and if things go wrong, you have to insist they go back to check that basics are met.

Have watched many of DDs friends drive themselves crazy over GCSEs not sleeping enough, not eating properly nor exercising and just getting really stressed and wound up. Or friendships breaking down. If a friendship breaks down you have to let your child connect with family, cousins, old friends instead and make sure that happens as a priority. I even took one of mine on a trip to Paris for the weekend, for example, to meet a cousin.

Times have changed, so clients that are elderly now maybe don't have the resource and guidance that parents of young children now can turn to.

One of mine was difficult from birth. though I don't usually describe it that way, and I avoid talking about it when she's around at all.

Honestly, she was demanding and slept badly for the best part of two years. But I worked at it. I researched endlessly to unravel what was going on. Eventually I found the book Calm Parents Peaceful Kids (and the website www.ahaparenting.com ) which unlocked things for me. She has an explanation of toddler tantrums and then a guide / script of how to support them through it which was a total game changer.

What I learned was that

first, a lot of her demanding behaviour and unsettledness came from a lot of stress and feelings that needed to be safely expressed by her with calm support from me as she did so. This is not for the faint hearted and you have to be an emotionally mature adult who is calm and well rested to be able to see it through. A version of this is true for younger babies too. I spent a lot of those two years seeking to manage and sooth her rather than hear her. I would go back and change this if I could.

second, a lot of her sleep troubles were due to over tiredness, and bad advice right from the start (midwives telling me to wake myself and her up to feed her as a 9lb chunky newborn) sent us off in the wrong direction. This was made worse by following a routine baby book (yes THAT one) which really underestimates how much sleep babies need. I woke her up from a lot of naps following that advice and would go back and change this if I could.

third, she is just a high intelligence high energy night owl with big emotions.

She absolutely could have been a difficult child and teen. But she's not because by seeking out the right high quality resources I needed to help me meet her needs, she has been able to flourish

I have a close relative with a similar child who

• doesn't have the emotional strength to support her child through the emotional storms or provide calm boundaries when needed. Its guilt trips appeasement and bribery a go go
• doesn't provide calm routine and structure

And that child is very difficult and troubled. Probably she was always going to be a more challenging child. Some of them are easier.

Parenting matters A LOT, but there's no simple formula.

I'd say my relative is totally devoted to her kids. But she's too devoted. Lacks calm boundaries, looks to them for validation.

The Challenging Child by Stanley Greenspan sounds similar to the book @Fernsfernsferns mentions and was useful with my youngest. But again the perspective from having ds1 helped. Without him I think I would have constantly met ds3 head on - when in fact he needed something different.

Thanks. This makes sense. If you're academic but dcs may not be how do you manage those expectations and moderate any subtle behaviours? We never say things like you have to come first, never fail, be good at x. However, your child knows from an early age if you're 'successful' and have particular interests and can think they're supposed to live up to that. Any tips would be welcome.

Thanks. This makes sense, I think they can really internalise things you say to them even if they seem trivial to us... like 'I don't sleep well do I' because of something you said to your friends about them (repeatedly) as a baby. Yet parents do this all the time.

TBH I think you have to believe it or keep your mouth zipped! When the eldest was born an aunt asked me how I’d feel if he didn’t go to Oxford or Cambridge and I was gobsmacked. Those are not my life values - and never have been As it is he can’t talk and is clever in his own way but utterly reliant on full time care.

I think both dh and I have always valued a broad education. Which incidentally looks nothing like the current tick box, test focussed system that does nothing to prepare for higher education or work. DH was always under pressure to become something professional. He has, it is high earning and makes him miserable. The kids are well aware he would not wish it on his worst enemy. Although if they loved the profession (some do), then we would never stop them!

ds2 has excelled in a different area since he was very small. It’s his passion and career. He teaches me about it now.

ds3 is actually the most academic but utterly useless at exams. He does very well in continuous assessment type study (my idea of hell). He is in a first job, learning how to be an actual adult. I’m pretty certain he’ll end up doing something that he’s very passionate about but if I suggest anything he’ll never look at it again so I say nothing.

Having ds1 reinforced our values I think (do what you want, change your mind about what you want, but do whatever you are doing well/be reliable - we don’t care what it is) and probably demonstrated to ds3 in particular that he could be who he is. We also chose his school carefully. Ds2 went to a very academic (state) school where he was seen as being very mediocre, luckily he was busy doing his thing elsewhere - and switched schools at 16. Ds3 went to a very unusual free school (until Ofsted changed everything) - but he had the benefit of that approach for most of his secondary years - and it suited him/really boosted his confidence. That was weird though - the dept of education loved his school & they had a lot of high profile visitors and educationalists coming from abroad to see it. Ofsted shut it down. But anyway it allowed ds3 to see education in a broader sense. The film Most Likely to Succeed summarises the approach the school aimed for - and partly achieved (tricky in a U.K. State system - clearly), but the kids were shown the film at school and the school hosted a viewing for parents. It was a school that very much encouraged being yourself. That helped.

https://teddintersmith.com/mltsfilm/ (the film trailer)

A very interesting question. my thoughts are:

Make opportunities to talk to your children/ teenagers:/ adult children and listen to what they are telling you. Be prepared that there may be times when the method of communication will change- eg when they were at uni two of my children were not up for phone calls, so we 'talked' via WhatsApp / other messaging apps..

Don't compare your children and don't support relatives or friends who label them as 'the clever one/ 'sporty one' / 'quiet one'/ 'pretty one' etc, I think that this can be really destructive.

Praise effort as much, if not more than achievements, but equally don't minimise achievements. I think this one can be quite tricky especially where there are siblings.

Finally work on building self esteem and resilience. If I had my time again I'd work more on building resilience. Life is definitely not always a bed of roses.

Good luck! And yes, I do believe that luck and inherent personality play a huge part in this, but we can do our best too.