Why is your teenager or grown kid happy or successful?

[SometimesIDowonder]

Hi,

I have young kids. I'm just interested in what people have done as parents that they think benefitted their child in the long run. Or was it not something you did, just luck?

I'm not defining 'success' so that can mean whatever you think it means, not just financial.

My mum never says I love you but she's so helpful and there when it matters so clearly she does. I think sometimes it doesn't need saying. But maybe just my opinion.

The same parents and home life do not mean equitable upbringing for those saying it's innate.

Looking at the people I grew up knowing, the ones who've become rounded and successful had a lack of majorly adverse events pre 18 and supportive and encouraging family members. This then seems to have compounded for those that also valued education, hobbies and had financial security.

I'm a big believer of this. All the active teens I know are lovely. Lots of time outdoors from young is good for them too. Keeps them calm, boosts self esteem and fosters resilience.
And chores. Give the responsibility and expectations.
Plus all the hugs and affection.

Actually, I’d probably add something about nutrition too:

• regular, healthy meals
• teaching them how to make healthy food choices and the links between food/ mood/heslth
• teaching them how to make simple meals so they don’t have to resort to junk food & ready meals

I would say me and my sisters are successful. We haven't all taken the traditional route now all three of us are in careers, good friendship groups, mostly happy in our relationships and healthy.

We are strong and independent and this I believe is a consequence of absent parents. We brought one another up. The one side of our lives that can be poor is our mental health. I have bipolar and have had poor mental health for most of my adult life and my sisters have depression at times.

Well some of it is luck, some of it is personality.
things that help-
stable home life with clear and consistent boundaries
healthy diets
parents (or carers) who are present, supportive and are clear that they love them
Being told no sometimes and learning that life isn’t always the way they want it to be or all about them and their whims.
Given opportunities (and encouragement) to try new things and make mistakes.
Being listened to for the important things.

Having a wide circle of friends as an adult and for your children so that they can see how other families live and can pick and choose the best bits. Always welcoming their friends into your home. Giving them “cultural capital” (this doesn’t need to be expensive, as has been pointed out here before). Having family dinners. Cheap city breaks in other countries to give them an interest in travel. Libraries, books, getting and reading a daily paper.

Remembering sometimes it’s hard to be a teenager and just talking to them/ sitting with them/ leaving them alone.

not lecturing them about screens when you’re on the phone🙈

Remembering sometimes they just have to be let off to do what they enjoy, so forgetting the ‘you only have a hour then you have to’ sometimes.

Taking deep breaths. Being happy yourself. I honestly believe the more relaxed the atmosphere the easier things get (only realised after I turned into a lunatic, stressed out from work and saw the resulting carnage)

My two eldest (14 and 16) can be lazy (more the 16yo), but aren’t the stereotypical teenagers, they laugh with us and chat with us and are overall not too irritated by us which I take as a win

edited to add and regular board game nights or family nights with bribes if necessary 😅

Some of it is - as posters have said - down to basic personality. DS is having the best time of his life and is very sad that it's his last year at school- I'm so delighted because I certainly wasn't an overly happy teen.

Some things I did consciously as I hated when my DPs did the opposite to me - encouraging him in his subject choices but not forcing him down a particular route, trying to listen rather than judge/tell all the time, trying not to sweat the small stuff - and I include teenage experimentation with alcohol here. Supporting him in his activities rather than taking over. I credit this book "Get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town" with good advice.

Something I am genuinely proud of is that we have been in the same house and DS has gone to the same school for all his life. I absolutely know that circumstances change sometimes and you have to make the most of them, but I read some of the stories on Mumsnet and feel sometimes that people simply can't bear the mundane and change homes/schools/situations without any consideration for their DCs.

I'm sure we have made plenty of our own mistakes. Something I regret is I find it hard to be a huggy type of person due to my own upbringing and hitting menopause,and as a result we aren't a very physical family and I stopped hugging DS when he hit puberty. So hug your DC as much as you can !

Yea I think this is true and even putting aside issues like possible favouritism etc, sometimes your parenting style just suits/ benefits one child more than the other due to their personality type and yours. Or especially if there’s a big age gap, the family’s circumstances could change a lot.

Overall i think it’s a mix of nature, nurture ( parents/ family) and outside influences ( school, friends, wider environment) and how these things come together/ impact one another.

Choose schools where they will be happy - not necessarily the most academic. I know many don’t have a choice but if you do, think where would u like to go.

encourage an interest and friends outside of school too so they develop more than their identity there

Stable family upbringing. Stable extended family.
Both smart, so great self esteem as they were always one of the best academically.
Lots of family holidays to secure our family bond.
Long term participation in sports teams and scouting which meant they felt part of a team, learned to win and lose, spent time away from home without us from quite a young age many times (went to Scotland with scouts from about 10 for several days etc).
Both then became grass roots football referees for 2-3 years.
Lots and lots of ferrying them about which showed we cared and were interested.
Part time work from sixteen.
Learnt to drive as soon as able.
Help and asssistance with uni applications, job hunting etc. Not just leaving them to it.

It's a tricky one. Mine are mid 20s and both happy and successful in different ways. How much is in the genes, how much is parenting and how much is good luck?
FWIW I tried to do differently than my parents. They were never there. Either at work or out doing their own hobbies.
Stable and loving home.
Consistency and rules about behaviour and bedtime.
Not too indulged with material things - this they have both continued.
Parents who are always kind to each other, never row or argue.
Parents who are interested and teach them things.
An interest in everything at school.
Encouraged them to do sports and music but never forced.
Having a parent around before and after school right through to teenage years.
Support through exams and through to uni.
Part time jobs from 16 but not through uni.
Lots and lots of ferrying around.
Always a home if they need or want it. Both have come back to live and then moved on.

What was hard because both DH and I am are introverts was to instil them with confidence

A mixture of opportunities along with some instances of limits - like a pp said, sometimes saying no. Helping and assisting but not making things too easy. Giving independence as teenagers but being the safety net when things go wrong.
Opposite to my parents basically!

Always told mine.." if it doesn't make you happy don't do it".
Even school.. they didn't like high school.. so l home educated .. they still got eight GCSE's each.
I always said to them if they wanted to go somewhere or do something l was aprenshive about l said " l am trusting you.. don't let me down"..
They came to me with all their problems .. was very open with me and we figured things out together . They are adults with kids of their own.. and we are all still very close.. and work things out as a family.

Parenting styles do differ even within stable families - particularly if discipline involves comparison.

For example

“look at your little brother, he’s only 4 and sitting so much more quietly/studying so carefully etc”,

or

“This is Dave, he’s the clever one. This is Derek, he’s got no hope in life”.

Seems unsurprising, if this results in sibling disharmony and rebellion, or living up to labels which have been parentally assigned.

As a family of four sisters we were labelled sporty, clever, driven and hopeless. It’s a small sample size, but the results are perhaps predictable.

I think it doesn’t matter what you do or how ‘devoted’ you are as a parent. It’s about relating to your teen as a developing young person in their own right. If you smother them with your own expectations of love, family, hobbies, health etc instead of allow them any space to be themselves they’ll certainly play the game at home, (maybe), but then the first chance they get they’ll apply for a university as far away from home as they possibly can.

I reckon what makes a difference during the teen years is loads of what pp have said, plus dealing with any of your own emotional baggage yourself (these years are testing! It’ll come out otherwise), loads of exercise/sports/activities where new friends are made and phones can’t be in hand. Risk taking/independence/freedom to fail, whilst you’re still there to help them if really needed. Healthy attitudes to money/appreciation of the value of money.

With risk and money as 2 separate issues I think there’s a temptation to just expect healthy habits with both to kick in age 18 and they don’t.

Yes I agree. I was labelled as academic and disorganised, my sister was sensible and creative. Yet my sister got pretty much the same GCSEs as me and I'm also arty. Despite being 'disorganised' I've managed big projects at work effectively. People like labels don't they. I wonder if positive ones are good for instilling a sense of identity or can create too much to live up to.

Many people have mentioned my thoughts.

i would add that once the teenage years arrive, the people they choose as friends has a HUGE impact. They no longer look at us their parents as role models. So it’s really important to surround them with good people. A bit of luck is needed there!

I think stability, encouragement, opportunities, a caring and loving home etc.

But it is also down to a certain amount of luck and the child's own personality.

Ah I’m not sure - I think choosing a good uni far away shows confidence and strong roots. Going to one because it’s near might limit someone

Honestly? Having a severely disabled sibling. We didn’t have time or energy to over monitor the younger ones. We didn’t fuss about things like grades or their future plans because frankly
growing up to be an independent adult is blessing enough in our house. He definitely toned us down and I think the younger two benefitted. We moved to have extended family support and that made a big difference. My disabled son was lucky enough to do a lot of his growing up under a Blair or at least Labour government and that made a big difference to what was available for him & therefore time for the others. It would be harder now.

I’m on holiday with both younger adult children at the moment and had this discussion yesterday with the middle one. He thinks we have a very good relationship because we never really tried to control or interfere (we really didn’t have time). We did have rules and boundaries but they were things like bed time or knowing when they would be home. Nothing else. I think having two non-disabled children with a severely disabled brother is probably easier than if we had just had one non-disabled child.

Anyway they are both robust, sensible, happy and independent. And they both have insight into other lives. They both also seem able to stand apart from friend pressure and do their own thing (I think Covid hitting when ds2 was 18 helped with that). I’m pretty proud of them both tbh although I’m sure a lot of their friends from school are outwardly more successful.

btw I never fussed about screen time….

OP there’s really not much you can do; it’s luck/inate/genetics.

I have two teen DC with identical upbringing/parenting style/schooling. They even look so similar my iPhone groups their photos as the same person. However, their lives have diverged so dramatically and their personalities/life chances / outlook is now so different it would be instantly outing to anyone who lives in a 3 mile radius who I am if I went into any further detail.

OP : the advice I would give to my younger parent self would be not to worry so much. You never know what’s around the corner and you can’t prevent it so just chill out and relax a bit more.