So upset at b*tchy school mums

[Lynnestevens]

Went to a birthday party today for my child in reception. It was a whole class party in softplay with other parties happening at the same time. There was a table set up for the parents which I sat at and tried to speak to a few parents. I know most to see from drop off and I tried to be friendly and chatty. Twice a parent I had been talking to for a while got up to "get a coffee" and then moved to a separate table with one or two other parents to obviously have their own conversation. I think some of these parents know each other better through having older kids at the school but it just seems so b*tchy to me and immature. Im now replaying all the conversations I had and worry i overshared or said something embarrassing for this to happen twice at one party. Im keen to be friendly with these Mums so maybe that came across too much and put them off? Just feels strange to me that other parents wouldn't want to be friendly at a kids birthday party. Is it me? Or is this just how some grown women behave?

Did they leave you completely on your own?

It's normal to move around to different tables and see different people.

Were you left alone?

If not then maybe they just wanted to have a chat with some other people that they know.

If they did leave you alone then that's horrible.

I think it's fine to chat and then get a coffee and move on. I think it's a bit odd to strike up a conversation with someone new and talk to them for 2 hours solid - after 20 minutes I'd assume we both probably wanted to mingle a bit. It is hard though when you feel like everyone else knows each other.

Sounds like u dd t make the effort to talk to others, and are making up that they are b*tchy.

Technically not on my own as it was a big long table set up for the parents of the kids at that party but there was no one else sitting at my end if that makes sense. I moved up to speak to another parent further down the table and after about ten minutes she moved also so again there was no one either side of me. I didn't even realise at first till i went to the toilet and saw them sitting at different tables laughing away with a few of the other parents. Because so many moved to different tables the long table was very sparse by the end of the party. I did my best to be chatty but think I maybe came across as desperate or too keen but not sure how else to make friends with these people? I do have a nice group of friends outside of the school but would be nice to have a few friends to chat with at these type of events

I don't understand, I chatted to whoever was sitting next to me and then both times they moved so i felt a bit embarrassed/upset and just sat on my own? No one tried to speak to me

I really wouldnt give it another thought. I went to a party today for my 9 year old, parents were asked to stay and most of us sat on separate tables, we've all known each other for 6 years as from a small town. Nothing more to it then people gravitate to people they know as it doesnt require effort to think of conversation with someone new. Some people dont make friends with other school mums and some do.

School mums when my DCs were at school were like this. It was notorious for bitchy behaviour. I survived and you will too. Your children are at the same school, doesn’t mean you have to be best mates with these people. Be friendly and rise above anything else.

OP, this has happened to me before and it doesn't feel nice. Unfortunately some classes can just be quite cliquey, and they make little effort to include new people. My younger child's class is like this. My older child's class is much friendlier (NB have known them the same amount of time, as we were new to the school a year ago)

I just try to avoid the cliquey mums now. Life is far too short to be chasing around after people who aren't inclined to be friendly. It won't be long before your child is older and all parties are drop off anyway.

Thanks, yes all feels very immature and high school popular girls which seems strange to me. I've always been friendly with everyone but think ill keep my distance at any future parties moving forward as its not worth this awful feeling now

Yeah my Dd’s school can be like this, I just blank anyone who blanks me now. It’s hurtful though especially when you are just trying to be nice. I try to chat to whoever is there and met a few nice parents who are also not in the “cool girls” group. Tbh I’m just hanging in there till I don’t have to do this shit anymore.

I felt bad because I felt like if I didn’t make an effort it would hurt DD’s chances of friends but apparently I’’m like kryptonite to some of the other parents. Luckily the girl she’s closest with has a lovely mum and DD seems to have no trouble making friends regardless. I think when they are little playdates etc will often be decided by parents but the relationships they form as teens will probably be more important and those they will choose themsleves.

I would really try not to overthink this. Lots of people hate making small talk with people they don’t know so after a quick chat it’s natural that these people would have wanted to go and catch up with people they’ve known for a while and have existing friendships with? You can’t rush these things. Just carry on being nice and approachable and I’m sure it’ll come. Definitely don’t treat them like they’re being bitchy for speaking to their mates

I'm sure they just saw the party as a chance to catch up with their friends rather than it being a deliberate attempt to blow you off. Kind of like regulars at the pub - they've got history and it's an easy way to have a catch up. Especially if they have known each other for a while and rarely get the chance for a chat that's a bit longer that drop off or pick up.

It would be nice if they made a specific effort to include you, but I don't think it's bitchy to have a brief chat with someone you don't know that well and then go and sit with your friends.

Yes that's part of the reason I want to be friendly as id love my child to get invited on playdates- we've been on none but i know from the conversations many of the others have met up at the park and each others houses. It makes me sad as I do feel my child is missing out, they are only 4 so not sure they realise yet but I'm sure they'll notice soon. I'm hoping I maybe haven't met the njce ones yet or maybe some new kids will join the class next year

You think the women who had conversations with you but didn't stay with you for the whole party were bitchy and high school popular girls? They would have been better off not chatting with you if you are saying such things about them. I wouldn't go to a kids' party and spend the entire 2 hours chatting with someone I had just met. I would chat with many different people and also sit by myself for a while. I couldn't keep up small talk for 2 hours.

I have a two children in primary school. Y4 and Y1. I have some close mum friends who I've met through playgroups and since our Y4s started school. We go out for dinner and help each other out but it has taken several years plus Covid to get to this point. Don't try and force friendships, it doesn't work. Just chat with whoever comes your way and see what happens. Friendships have to happen organically, there is no other way. You are not going to be firm friends with every mum that you know through school, or even most of them. You will find your tribe. Even now sometimes I go to parties and don't speak to many other parents but some parties I know all of them. It doesn't bother me. The mums you saw in a group might have been friends for years and haven't managed to catch up recently which is why they made a beeline for each other.

Yes that's part of the reason I want to be friendly as id love my child to get invited on playdates- we've been on none but i know from the conversations many of the others have met up at the park and each others houses. It makes me sad as I do feel my child is missing out, they are only 4 so not sure they realise yet but I'm sure they'll notice soon. I'm hoping I maybe haven't met the njce ones yet or maybe some new kids will join the class next year

Okay, but it works both ways - have you invited anyone to the park or your house for a play date? I doubt the other mums are inviting all 29 other children back to their house, again they will be inviting children they know or the ones that their own child is friends with. Who are your child's friends, can you invite them round after school one day?

If your child's class has a WhatsApp or Facebook group you are in, you could suggest meeting at the park after school one day if the weather is nice? Have you had a birthday party for your child? that is a good way of getting to know people.

You have to make the effort too. In your posts you are putting the onus on all of the other mums to include you.

@Lynnestevens have you invited anyone over for playdates either at your house or at the park?

Yes I messaged one of the Mums of a child my child is friendly with to meet at the park and also to go to a kids event in the town both times she apologised and said she already had plans and didn't offer to reschedule so feek awkward messaging a third time. I dont know the other mums well enough to offer a one on one. Our class WhatsApp is very quiet, no messages since just after Xmas, I suspect there may be another group for mums who are closer but its just a guess

I'd just consider this mingling, doesn't seem anything wrong with it at all. I try and say hello and have a little chat to everyone. I'd never considered someone might consider me a bitch for this.

I understand that to a point but to move away from the designated parent's table and sit in a small group away from everyone for the duration of the party? Feel upset as both times it was following on from when they had spoken to me, almost like the couldn't wait to get away

You don’t need to be babysat OP. Nobody needs to stay glued to your hip to prove they’re not a ‘b*tch’. It’s completely normal to chat to one person, then make a polite excuse and move on to chat to someone else. It doesn’t mean they dislike you just that they want to chat to someone else or mingle rather than have a 2 hour conversation with the same person.

I only knew one other mum when DD started , so much so that I didn't get added to the school WhatsApp group until March.

That didn't stop me. If DD liked a kid I invited anyone and everyone. Some said yes, some said no, some invited us back, some clicked,some didn't. But I put myself out there with all these people that I didn't knew from Adam for DD's sake. Can't say I made any long lasting friends but I got to know all the parents to at least say hello and make a bit of small talk.

Ironically, I'm socialising more with one of them now our DD's are at secondary than we ever did in 7 years of primary school.

I know how you feel, but it’s not really bitchy of the other mums.

I’ve been both people in the scenario as I expect most of us have been: the person feeling ignored and lonely, and the person keen to chat to people they know in preference to a relative stranger.