So upset at b*tchy school mums

[Lynnestevens]

Went to a birthday party today for my child in reception. It was a whole class party in softplay with other parties happening at the same time. There was a table set up for the parents which I sat at and tried to speak to a few parents. I know most to see from drop off and I tried to be friendly and chatty. Twice a parent I had been talking to for a while got up to "get a coffee" and then moved to a separate table with one or two other parents to obviously have their own conversation. I think some of these parents know each other better through having older kids at the school but it just seems so b*tchy to me and immature. Im now replaying all the conversations I had and worry i overshared or said something embarrassing for this to happen twice at one party. Im keen to be friendly with these Mums so maybe that came across too much and put them off? Just feels strange to me that other parents wouldn't want to be friendly at a kids birthday party. Is it me? Or is this just how some grown women behave?

They were polite but wanted to catch up with people they were more familiar with. I would too tbh.

Try not to overthink it. Easier said than done I know. I would have felt exactly the same.

When my DS started primary I was so keen to make new parent friends, all our baby group friends had gone to different schools, but it never really happened. I joined the PTA, volunteered at school, was always in the playground before & after school, but nothing. He went to parties & I made small talk but never really clicked with anyone or made a lasting friendship. It made me feel rotten; like he has missing out. I even considered a school move.

When my second child started 3 or 4 years later I just thought, stuff them, I don't need o make new friends. Ended up getting super friendly with another couple of mums & even going on weekends away! It just kind of happened. I'm sure you'll find your place & if you don't, so what, it is only a chapter of your life.

Honestly I think you are overthinking this. Me and DH take a book to these types of parties! Will happily chat and make small talk and now a couple of the parents we know a little better to have more conversation with. However if they are not there or busy at the party and nobody else seems particularly interested in chatting we are also happy to just grab a coffee and read a book til the party's over. Like you, we both already have friends. If we make more, great, if not, really doesnt matter.

They probably just know each other better. There are going to be lots of opportunities in reception to get to know people. There are parties constantly as everyone gets invited. Just slowly widen your circle and before you know it there will be a few people you know and you might feel more comfortable with flitting about or just plonking yourself down and saying hello and joining in.

Is your own child having a class party? That's a good way of getting to know who everyone is and then they know who you are too.

Is there a playground any of the kids go to after school? That's usually a good way of getting chatting to people.

This is what it'll be. Sometimes parties are the only time I properly see some parent friends so we like to catch up. Well of course chat to others too but it's likely they're just catching up.

Sorry OP, but if it was me you were talking to, I'd have had a convo with you for about 10-15 minutes and then I'd have excused myself to go speak with people I knew. It wouldn't have been personal, but I'd have been eager to mingle and catch up wit mum friends I was familiar with

I find your attitude immature, entitled and offensive, why should they sit with you all the time, you’re not a child, they can go and speak to others, it doesn’t deserve you abusing them and calling them bitches.

To be honest Op I think that the fact that you choose to frame the situation as
"other mums are bitches" rather than "I find this sort of situation difficult" is what's going on here.
Unless you feel that they were obliged to have used that occasion to strike up a new friendship and use the whole party to get to know you better, then what they did was perfectly normal.

It sounds like normal behaviour, they spoke with you for a while then moved on to hang out with others they know better. You didn't have to stay at the designated parents table.
Maybe next time introduce yourself to the parents of the children your child mentions most often.
I find these kind of meet ups really awkward so understand you may have felt left out but I doubt there was any spite in it.
I don't know why your first thought about them would be that they're all bitchy.

I think people were just mingling. Reception year is like Freshers Week at uni. You get to know as many mums as you can and then hopefully over the course of the year gradually you find those that you click with and become closer friends.

I made a great group of friends that are still close friends 10 years later. But it was a lot of work at the start. Invite various different kids over for play dates. Invite a week or so in advance. When mum comes to pick up at end of play date, invite in for a cuppa or a glass of wine. You’ll get there and find your tribe.

We have similar mums at our DC’s school. No help but you’re not the only one!

I’ll chat to anyone but if I’m at a party I will end up with my usual lot. It’s best to be sat with the group rather than 1 on 1 in those situations. It’s just about getting the right spot at the start.

Dont overthink yourself. I’m incredibly annoying and talk far too much. I sometimes rethink things which have happened and what I’ve said however I’ve found People genuinely don’t think too much about chit chat.

You're overthinking this. I have never gone to a party and spent the entire time making polite small talk with someone I don't know. Nobody does that, it's polite to mingle. See a parent you don't know and say "Hi, I'm X's mum, we haven't met".

You've only been doing this since September. Overthinking to the point that you think there's a second whatsapp group solely to exclude you is going to drive you crazy. Maybe they're local and know each other years, maybe they have older kids that know each other. It won't be because they all got together and decided to ignore you. People don't think about us as much as we think they do.

I don't think you should worry too much about becoming friends with other mums. You don't know how the relationships between your child and theirs will go. You being friends with the mums doesn't guarantee friendships for your child.

I found that as my dc started activities, I met the same few mums every week and I'm closer to them now. I wouldn't describe us as friends but I know they would help me if I needed an emergency pickup and I would do the same for them.

People mingle. And they like to talk to their friends. Calling them bitches says more about you.

My advice, do what I did, collect the other mums who don't have anyone to talk to. I started with Resting Bitch Face Mum, who was all alone every day and had an impressive Croydon Facelift. She's still a brilliant friend. We then worked together to collect Hijabi Mum, who everyone ignored. She ended up saving DD from a horrible bully. Then Ukrainian Mummy, all the SEN Mums, the grandfather who had custody because of his poor DD being addicted, anyone on their own.

In the end we were accused of being a clique and why didn't we talk to the Hipster Mums, Designer Mums and Yummy Mums. Ummmmmm because you all ignored us from the start of kindergarten and we gave up trying. And have each other to talk to.

Look for the other people who don't have anyone.

Perhaps you spoke to them 1:1 for just that bit too long. Lots of people like to mingle, and if you sit talking to just one person in a larger social setting, it can really cut you off from the rest of the group. So in that respect it is quite antisocial to expect someone to talk only to you at length, and people will get fidgety.

However, it is a bit thoughtless and socially inept if a group of people leave one person sitting by herself, by the sound of it looking obviously uncomfortable - we've all been there and it's not pleasant. Some people are more comfortable mingling than others, but will try to include others if they look isolated. Others prefer to join their comfortable clique.

Personally if I wanted to move on to talk to someone else, yes I would get up to get a drink, but would've asked if you wanted to come for one too, then go over to a group and introduce you to others / let you mingle there, rather than walking off and leaving you alone. Not everyone has the same social confidence.

Rather than worrying about the person who has left and why, did you look around for someone new to talk to, anyone else by themselves? It is harder if everyone is sitting down, but if you find yourself isolated, generally better to get up and change where you sit / stand, move around a bit. to mingle better, even just go to the counter for coffee. So, put the onus on yourself to mingle, not on others to stay with you because you strike up a conversation.

As for the playdates, I wouldn't worry too much about not knowing the other Mums well, it's about your child and who they would like a playdate with, not whether you and the Mum will be friends. I have in the long -term met some lovely friends through school, but it takes time, and for the majority it's just about the children, and they will chop and change friends through the school years anyway. Just ask them, that's how you make social connections for your child.

It sounds more like they were circulating and chatting with friends. This is quite normal.
Maybe as you get to know people that will include you more. Calling it bitchy seems a bit judgemental really. Don't take it so personally.
School Mum friends can be nice for your kids as it makes socialising a bit easier, but it's best not to get too invested.

Bloody love this 😃

When my kids were little there were no expectations. If it was soft play you’d just take a book, if it was a village hall you’d just sit and watch. It never occurred to me that if people didn’t talk they were ‘immature and bitchy’.

A mature person would be able to supervise their child at a party without being so needy of attention from other adults. And ironically the more needy you look, the less folks want to risk talking to you.

Just relax and enjoy seeing your little one socialise. You’ll soon build friendships as they’ll develop naturally once your child finds their niche. Help them do that and then you’ll find yours.

They've done nothing wrong. They sat with you and chatted for ten minutes, then went and spoke to their friends. Like a PP said, mingling at parties is completely normal. It's not their fault if you have no-one else to mingle with. Surely you wouldn't want them to feel as though they have to 'babysit' you?

Your child is only 4. When they make friends they'll get invited to playdates. You can't force it with the other parents and then mentally label them as 'bitchy' when you don't get what you want.

This is your child's school life, it's not about you.

I’ve seen this a few times on here and I don’t understand it at all. This feeling of entitlement that people need to stay and talk to uou and hurling abuse at them if they don’t.

i suspect it’s either a complete lack of understanding of social etiquette or a desire not to take any responsibility for social awkwardness. Or a feeling of embarrassment about social awkardness making the person lash out.

ive no idea, but what these women did is completely normal and accepted behaviour. The op starting a thread to call them bitches for not effectively baby sitting her is not ok.

So it reads like they sat at the parents table and chatted to people, then a few who are friends outside of school run sat separately to have a proper catch up.

I understand you felt awkward. I think I might have too if I ended up sat alone. But I don't think they did anything deliberately.

I'd continue to make an effort, invite children to yours for a play date. Chat at gates /parties but remember your child will make friends regardless of who their mum chats to. Do you remember who your mum chatted to at school gates? Were people friends with you because of your mum?

I was fortunate with dd that I had a group of Friends from baby group whose kids all went to same school. So we continued to see each other, we would catch up with the kids and separately but when dd made long term friendships not one of that group were in the mix!

Equally with dd2 I didn't make friends in her year as I had my friends in elder dd year . She also made friends absolutely fine.

I'd try not to place too much on this just be polite and friendly and invite kids round when you can.

It's like if you're at a drinks party. You talk to someone for a bit. Someone makes an excuse and then you go and talk to someone else for a bit.

It sounds like they are just circulating which is normal. You didn’t hear anyone bitching about you and there’s no evidence they did. It sounds normal to me.

I agree with this.
It can be really hard to feel like the spare part. I understand why you feel like your efforts have been rebuffed and you are out on a limb...but regarding these other women, that would not have been their intention.
It is normal to choose to sit with a pal at these things. I'm a friendly person and would always respond to someone making conversation with me at a kids' party but I would likely wander off to catch up with someone I know as well.

It's probably not a slight against you even if it feels like it.

Mingle at a meet up like this is normal - sounds pretty standard tbh. I could have acted like the mum bitches without wanting to do you any harm.

Invite children your child likes for playdates and you will soon get to know the other mums better.