have you ever had your child in care temporarily?

[namechangedforsaturday]

Long read, so if you don't like long reads, please don't read, rather than complain about a long read. Please be kind, I'm at the edge.

Name changed for this, as outing, but if you've ever had your child put into care temporarily, could you tell me how it went or give me some words of comfort?

I've just called social services and told them I don't think my child should be at home with me right now. I asked doctor for a referral to them about 2 months ago as reached the end of my rope and had spent a whole night unable to sleep and crying, at not being able to cope, but never heard anything back, and then I asked her school for help and they referred to Early Help, but they haven't done anything for me- just want to go through parenting strategies with me, when they truth is, I know how to parent by the book, my daughter doesn't respond to any of it and I'm struggling physically so can't meet her needs each day. Sorry, that was a long sentence!

I've been struggling with my health ever since she was born, but couldn't get anyone to listen or take me seriously. They always seem to imply that I just need to exercise more, or it's all in my head and caused by stress. I've seen three different physios, and the issue hasn't gotten any better, and despite diagnoses, I can't get any help or support with my needs, and when applying for a bus pass, the doctor even said to me 'You're too young to be disabled', and refused to sign the form for me. My physio emails me workouts to do, and when I tell her about issues I'm having, she just implies I'm not trying hard enough. Some days I literally cannot walk.

So yes, I am stressed, but the stress began when the physical disabilities began, and the stress is as a result of not being able to do the things I was able to do before. It's definitely not in my head. I had started to believe that maybe it was all in my head, and really did try with journaling and therapeutic techniques, to try and 'heal' these things away, but yesterday I was finally believed by a doctor, when I went into the walk in centre with arms which were going into spasms whenever I lifted them, or moved at certain angles. I'm okay with typing, because I'm sitting up straight and making sure I barely move my shoulders.

She said she could see my back muscles spasming as she touched in certain parts of my back, and gave me some anti-inflammatories and codeine. I haven't started them yet as I'm worried about being drowsy around my dd. She advised me to get a second opinion from a different rheumatologist. Rh diagnosed me previously with fibromyalgia and mild hypermobility spectrum disorder, and referred me to a terrible physio who just gave me bum clenches to do, but I believe I have EDS, or more than mild hypermobility, and that I'm deteriorating since giving birth, breastfeeding and solo parenting a very high needs, violent and angry young child who doesn't sleep very well. I don't dislocate (only once ages ago) or have stretchy skin, but my feet are constantly rolling over side ways and everything feels crazy loose, all over, and the physio exercises are making minimal differences. I had six months where I could barely swallow food, but docs just wanted me to have thyroid tests- all fine. It's sorted itself out now, but there are still times I choke for no reason.

I'm trying so hard to get better but my daughter is with me all the time, has massive meltdowns after school and refuses most of the time. She's 4. She won't eat any food I make for her and asks for chocolate all day constantly. I don't give in, she can have a little bit every day, or every other day but she's relentless and refuses to eat. I literally cannot meet her constant need for stimulation and try to get my health sorted. Let alone getting more and more into debt trying to meet our basic needs on UC, trying to fill in disability benefit forms, with no support, and feel as though I'm neglecting both of us. Last night, my spasms and arms were so bard that every time I rolled over, I woke myself up in agony and crying, and with my daughter attacking me violently when I refuse her chocolate, I can't defend myself at the moment, as I'm too weak.

I've tried every door and avenue, trying to parent her alone and keep her with me, but I don't think I can do it anymore, or my health will just get worse and worse.

I'm waiting on a call back from out of hours social services.

Btw, dd was referred for autism pathway by health visitor 18 months ago, but just had results of assessment back, and they've said no ASD as they did her observation in school where she masks, and school argued back with their observations of abnormalities and said 'it was unusual for her to act that way'. Which it isn't, so I don't know why they've said that, but I haven't the energy to fight back.

I feel like I need a few month of DD in care, so I can get my health sorted, chase up for second opinions and help, get out of my debts, get the ball rolling with disability benefits, and take control of my spiralling health and life, and home, which has become chaotic and dirty.

What is really sad is how many of us there are in this very similar position with EDS or ME and Autistic kiddies who are desperate for support. There just isn't alot there and trying to get diagnosed for either of the 2 conditions will drive many insane. The gaslighting is so horrendous and happens to women every day. Only those of us who have experienced this again and again understand. It's lovely to hear others who understand in the face of so many who don't realise how awful it is now to even get someone to assess your clearly Autistic child. And if they agree, you're waiting on a list for 3 years.

they haven't told me how they would get my dd to school, as my mum lives in a village with limited bus services each day, on the other side of the city, has bipolar and is recovering from a mastectomy

You fund it. The child is yours, your responsibility. Early Help may well fund a taxi temporarily, while things settle. But they won't long term. Transporting your child to school (or paying for transport) comes with parental responsibility.

@MiltonNorthern
The caps were because PR is an abbreviation ! and I was trying to make the point that social services don't get to decide that the daughter lives with the grandmother as the OP ( abbreviation again ) is the only one who can make that decision.
And anyone can request a section 20 order to voluntarily put their child in care in theory. So yes that could be an option if the OP really cannot take care of her child. I would not recommend it but it might be better than leaving her daughter with a known abuser who is likely to use it against the OP and cause further long term issues. I am a foster carer myself and have had children whose parents have made the decision to put their children in care temporarily myself so I am not just making this stuff up ! One parent was a single parent having an operation and had no one to look after their child whilst they recovered so it was a temporary arrangement for that reason.

I'm a social worker. There is a nationwide shortage of foster carers (thank you! I truly appreciate you and think you are amazing) and it's simply not the case that any parent can request their child to be placed in foster care. Well they can ask but it's not going to happen. Unless it's genuinely dangerous for the child to be at home and there is genuinely nobody in the family network and in those cases the LA is likely to seek a care order. Section 20 isn't an order, it's a voluntary arrangement. It's almost never used at the request of the parent.

also I was referring to the capitals in the words YOUR DECISION not PR

brilliant advice 😂i'm not sure where you expect me to find £100 a day out of my £638 a month universal credit money. 😂you're clearly a looney who is just hear to wind up, rather than offer any realistic support or advice.

Take the medication your doctor has prescribed?

@namechangedforsaturday just an idea.
You are mentioning the £600 a month UC.

Have you applied for PIP and the disabled element of UC? From what you are describing, you wouldn’t be able to work and this would give you a bit more each month, both with LIP and UC top up.

The reason why I was thinking about that is that you might be able to use that extra money for help at home. Eg someone who would do the cleaning and/or prep work for good. Basically reducing your workload as much as you can so you have a bit more spare energy for your dd.

I know you have a different condition than me but the lying down 80% of the time, I can relate to. And the only way around I found is help for the most physical tasks and shortcuts to make the test as easy as possible.
Not what you were asking for but maybe a way to make it a bit easier?

Thank you- I'm just going through some forms for limited capacity atm and will get onto pip next. I just know it's hard to get approved with chronic pain, so I'm trying not to think about it as a definite option- if you know what I mean. I'm also doing the DLA forms for my DD but hard without evidence, as school not been super helpful in being honest about her struggles.

Thank you, I really appreciate it.

Sorry just caught up you are looking at PIP and the limited capability for work.

Please apply for BOTH of them.
I have me and I’m receiving both. It’s not just people missing limbs and tbh I found the limited work capability easier than PIP! The thing is about wording things well for them (and thinking of your worst days. Not because you want to ‘cheat’ the system but because most of us tend to over estimate how much we can do!)
Have a look at this Facebook page. They have loads of advice that I found extremely helpful
https://www.facebook.com/groups/278260135547189

Also this website. Their guides are great (I’m aware you need to lay fur them but the are really worth the expense)
https://www.benefitsandwork.co.uk/

Re getting some evidence, you should be able to get all the letters from consultants etc.. on the NHS app. They are great to put into those applications.

for those who have been kind, I'm just using this time at the moment to slowly get my house into some kind of order again. i know mumsnet love a good decluttering and tidying up extreme mess story (i know i do), so thought I'd share some progress. I'm trying to think of ways to make life easier. So have been organising all of dd's toys into separate draw string veg bags, and putting them all into one big bag, which I shall hide in the cupboard when i've cleared that out. i think having less toys out will mean less bending and tidying all the time. i'm also trying to think of work i could do an hour a day of, on the sofa. i've already done matched betting and that worked for a while, until i ran out of the free bets. i've checked the £10 a day threads but nothing else really stands out as within my experience or skill set. i'm also decluttering and was going to put a lot on ebay but i think that the less things i have hanging over me the better and my energy would be best spend on finding something for the long term.

was wondering if anyone had any experience with a robot hoover? that's something i could save up slowly for. does it do all surfaces? might be cheaper than a cleaner, as i'm okay wiping surfaces as I go.

OP, I'm afraid I don't have any expertise in terms of the help you're entitled to or what to do for best in terms of your little girl, but maybe I can help with easy veggie mela ideas that don't require much prep? Some of these may seem obvious to some but I've worked with people before in a similar situation who couldn't see the wood for the trees, as it were, and understandably so::

Tinned soup
Packet ramen noodles/pot noodles - add pre-chopped frozen veg and/or half a boiled egg for protein (or veggie frozen hoisin shredded duck)
Packet rice - as above
Pasta - as above, add any frozen chopped veg plus pesto, shop-bought sauce, or just butter and S&P
Tinned tomatoes on toast
Any frozen fish drizzled with oil/any seasoning wrapped in foil in oven tray - served with rice or pasta (I don't know if you eat fish?)
Easy veggie chilli - 2 X tins of any beans, 1 X tin of chopped tomatoes with chilli, crumbled stock cube, any frozen pre-chopped veg you like, plus hot water - simmer for half and hour
Omelettes with cheese and veg

In terms of ready meals, the veggie ones are often found in the Indian section, I find. Iceland do the best overall range for convenience, I think.

that's really kind of you, but my daughter won't eat any of those things except for plain packet noodles.

You want to go back to the GP about painkillers, if codeine makes you too drowsy then you need something else.

Also for cooking, things like a stool in the kitchen and a food processor for grating and chopping veg can make a huge difference.

It's incredibly frustrating, isn't it, trying to get small children to branch out from the familiar. But their tastes do change, and you might find it helps if she sees you eating other stuff, even if she keeps rejecting it for now?

I have hyper mobility, fibromyalgia and bipolar. I contacted MIND several years ago who provided me with a support worker who helped me complete all the forms I needed for ESA, PIP etc. I was initially refused but they attended the appeal with me where I was granted it.

I was in a terrible state. On 34 tablets a day for the pain, struggled with activities of daily living. I was referred to a physio and for a acupuncture, and I worked hard at it!

Long story short, I'm back in work, earning an above average salary in a management position down to 18 tablets a day (I see that as a win!) and have my life back.

That support when I was at my lowest and in so much pain that I could hardly move, honestly changed my life. I will be forever grateful to that young support worker.

Please do reach out to MIND for support. They can also sign post you to other avenues.

Your daughter is best off with you. Your ARE a good mum or you wouldn't be looking for what you believe is the best option for her. Sending you a massive hug, I know how tough it is. But you can get through this. One step at a time. Once finances are sorted, that will ease some pressure. Right now you can't see the wood for the trees x

OP i’m wondering how you’re doing now? I’m in the same boat

Hiya lovely, I'm sorry you're in the same situation. İf you're more specific maybe I have some resources I can share with you?

Things are much better for me now, thank you. I got approved lcwaw as well as my dd's DLA being approved and I moved to a much better home, with better access to shops, public transport etc.

I took my DD out of school, as it was making her meltdowns worse, and they were hostile with me, and around 8 months later, I finally got ultrasound therapy on three places in my body which has eased some symptoms.

I also now have betterhelp therapy.

I also used the DLA money to join a family members club in London where we visit once or twice a week for a few hours of childcare with a higher staff to child ratio and lots of child friendly activities on different floors. I do pilates whilst she's in crèche and we zone out on the train home.

She's been referred for a private ASD assessment with right to choose, but that could be a year to wait for an assessment.

I also found a bunch of grants to help with DD for ASD which I use my DLA for evidence with, so that helps. For example I got her some sensory toys through family fund.

İt's not always been easy, but things are better than a year ago. I was actually thinking about it recently.

Things are by no means normal for us, and it's a juggle, but I am happier. Some things I'd eventually hope to change. I'm in tribunal for PİP so I can pay for more regular therapies, to improve everything even more, and maybe eventually get a car.

I just bought a robot vacuum as well.

I forgot to add that I asked the early help to leave us be. İt was just making everything worse and I realised I could only sort things out by myself. I had to let go of worrying about work and a pension. I don't reach out to anyone for help anymore, just get on with it and take each day as it comes.