have you ever had your child in care temporarily?

[namechangedforsaturday]

Long read, so if you don't like long reads, please don't read, rather than complain about a long read. Please be kind, I'm at the edge.

Name changed for this, as outing, but if you've ever had your child put into care temporarily, could you tell me how it went or give me some words of comfort?

I've just called social services and told them I don't think my child should be at home with me right now. I asked doctor for a referral to them about 2 months ago as reached the end of my rope and had spent a whole night unable to sleep and crying, at not being able to cope, but never heard anything back, and then I asked her school for help and they referred to Early Help, but they haven't done anything for me- just want to go through parenting strategies with me, when they truth is, I know how to parent by the book, my daughter doesn't respond to any of it and I'm struggling physically so can't meet her needs each day. Sorry, that was a long sentence!

I've been struggling with my health ever since she was born, but couldn't get anyone to listen or take me seriously. They always seem to imply that I just need to exercise more, or it's all in my head and caused by stress. I've seen three different physios, and the issue hasn't gotten any better, and despite diagnoses, I can't get any help or support with my needs, and when applying for a bus pass, the doctor even said to me 'You're too young to be disabled', and refused to sign the form for me. My physio emails me workouts to do, and when I tell her about issues I'm having, she just implies I'm not trying hard enough. Some days I literally cannot walk.

So yes, I am stressed, but the stress began when the physical disabilities began, and the stress is as a result of not being able to do the things I was able to do before. It's definitely not in my head. I had started to believe that maybe it was all in my head, and really did try with journaling and therapeutic techniques, to try and 'heal' these things away, but yesterday I was finally believed by a doctor, when I went into the walk in centre with arms which were going into spasms whenever I lifted them, or moved at certain angles. I'm okay with typing, because I'm sitting up straight and making sure I barely move my shoulders.

She said she could see my back muscles spasming as she touched in certain parts of my back, and gave me some anti-inflammatories and codeine. I haven't started them yet as I'm worried about being drowsy around my dd. She advised me to get a second opinion from a different rheumatologist. Rh diagnosed me previously with fibromyalgia and mild hypermobility spectrum disorder, and referred me to a terrible physio who just gave me bum clenches to do, but I believe I have EDS, or more than mild hypermobility, and that I'm deteriorating since giving birth, breastfeeding and solo parenting a very high needs, violent and angry young child who doesn't sleep very well. I don't dislocate (only once ages ago) or have stretchy skin, but my feet are constantly rolling over side ways and everything feels crazy loose, all over, and the physio exercises are making minimal differences. I had six months where I could barely swallow food, but docs just wanted me to have thyroid tests- all fine. It's sorted itself out now, but there are still times I choke for no reason.

I'm trying so hard to get better but my daughter is with me all the time, has massive meltdowns after school and refuses most of the time. She's 4. She won't eat any food I make for her and asks for chocolate all day constantly. I don't give in, she can have a little bit every day, or every other day but she's relentless and refuses to eat. I literally cannot meet her constant need for stimulation and try to get my health sorted. Let alone getting more and more into debt trying to meet our basic needs on UC, trying to fill in disability benefit forms, with no support, and feel as though I'm neglecting both of us. Last night, my spasms and arms were so bard that every time I rolled over, I woke myself up in agony and crying, and with my daughter attacking me violently when I refuse her chocolate, I can't defend myself at the moment, as I'm too weak.

I've tried every door and avenue, trying to parent her alone and keep her with me, but I don't think I can do it anymore, or my health will just get worse and worse.

I'm waiting on a call back from out of hours social services.

Btw, dd was referred for autism pathway by health visitor 18 months ago, but just had results of assessment back, and they've said no ASD as they did her observation in school where she masks, and school argued back with their observations of abnormalities and said 'it was unusual for her to act that way'. Which it isn't, so I don't know why they've said that, but I haven't the energy to fight back.

I feel like I need a few month of DD in care, so I can get my health sorted, chase up for second opinions and help, get out of my debts, get the ball rolling with disability benefits, and take control of my spiralling health and life, and home, which has become chaotic and dirty.

I have started to question my sanity on this thread. You and I are in the minority when you read through the replies. It has seriously shocked me that women and mothers can be so heartless in some cases on here and completely devoid of understanding in others.

@Pantaloons99 tbf you attacked me when I said about adoption because you assumed I'm being heartless and called me a witch.

The reality is I'm in a difficult situation myself and suggested adoption because, like my own situation, a clean break is often better for the child even though it's at the expense of the mother.

And since my child is more important than me, I assumed the OP feels the same.

I think you're taking this thread too personally

Splash - I'm genuinely very sorry for that. It was very immature and unkind. I came away and thought you know maybe she is being serious and I over reacted.

You are right, I am so very sorry for OP because I can relate so much to her suffering. I do however find the heartlessness on here shocking, regardless of my own situation.

I hope things are ok for you now 🙏

some people have missed the part where i've said i do give her the chocolate, but she will go on and on and on and on all day for more. even if i give her a little bit more, here and there throughout the day, spread out, she will still go on and on and on and on and on for more. i don't give in, i try and space it out so she has little bites. like trying to help an addict. it's now ice cream van season and that pulls up outside my house every single day- £4 an ice cream- and causes another meltdown. I've tried putting ice pops in the freezer as a distraction, but once it's there she goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on, for another one., and then another one, and then another one. if i only let her have one or two a day, and she knows that's the limit, she will still ask incessantly, every 20 minutes or so, throughout the day, for more. I don't give in. I've told her these things are just for treats and we have to eat other foods as well. But she still goes on and on and on and won't eat most other things I offer her. It's like she can't stop those addictive feelings towards all sugar. No amount of strategy or limiting it, or just giving it at certain times of the day, stops her screaming for it constantly. It's unreal. There's no routine or structure, because she will refuse food and then scream that she's hungry once in bed, and I'm so exhausted by that point. She was the same with breastfeeding until about 2. Wouldn't eat, just wanted breastmilk all day.

So she will say 'I'm hungry', and I will say 'okay, you've got your dinner you can eat', and she will say no. So I offer her a bunch of alternatives- 'would you like a banana? some toast? some porridge? some cereal? some crackers? an apple? a satsuma?' Everything is 'no, i want chocolate'. Me 'no you've got dinner you haven't eaten.' Sometimes she even throws the food I offer her across the room. This will be after I've allowed her to have that little bit of chocolate at some point.

This is why people don't get it, because they hear about a problem you're having with your child and just assume you're parenting wrong- not that there's something really unusual and tough going on in your child's mind. And this is why after school club helps because she will eat food for other people. Yes, I've tried reward charts. She would just scream for the reward constantly, and it added another thing to cause meltdowns.

Being voluntarily given up at age 4 for a 'clean break' is almost never going to be better for a child than remaining with a parent, no matter how limited that parent may be. Even if it were possible to give up a 4 year old for adoption (it's not) this is awful advice and I'm glad it got deleted.

Just wanna say, thanks for all the positive comments on here- it really has been a lifeline. To anyone who feels triggered by my situation, and got angry at how I feel, well I'm actually sorry that anyone else has been through these tough times.

This part does get better. My child is the same but this behaviour really calmed down alot as he got older. He's still a sugar addict. I think it's part of the need for dopamine. But the meltdowns really do calm down.

If you aren't already, I really can't stress enough how helpful the Autistic parents FB group's were for me. You can post anonymously. It isn't like here. I've heard significantly more ' shocking ' feelings on there and no one has ever judged it. I think the posts on here will only make you feel worse.

It's clear to me that you just desperately need more help and a break from your daughter. And I think in your situation it's normal. If your mum is shouting at her she'll get over it.

You don't need to defend yourself here. Just let her eat chocolate and crap for now. I had days where my son was just plonked in front of a TV and ate chocolate and nothing else.

Please call adult social care on Monday lovely. And you know what, even if you eventually think I can't do this and she goes into foster care long term then I still believe you will find a group of mums online who would never judge you for that. ♥️ I know it isn't a case of just wanting to go clubbing or choosing your new boyfriend over your child.

you're so sweet thank you. thank you for advocating for me against the noise of horror.

the dopamine thing makes sense. i feel for her so much that there's something she's not getting and she's craving that constantly. I'm going to speak to the GP about it. I'm going to feign ignorance, so they don't use the fact that I'm desperate for an autism diagnosis for her, to try and fob me off. I'm going to say 'well she hasn't got autism, so it's not that, but she seems to have some kind of issues with sleep, cravings, meltdowns and general unhappiness, so what can you suggest to help her?'.

She'll be alright. I think you mentioned the iPad. That's just a lifesaver in terms of the dopamine hit. Even if she is sat in front of it all night, every night. Many Autistic adults will advocate for use of iPads as much as their kids want. It's not the same as other situations with NT children.

There are many mums out there that completely understand and empathise, please remember that.

I'll happily support you all day on this thread tbh .

I’m so sorry your having such a shit time, I agree you need to get a second opinion.

please please do not out your dd in to care, you may never get her back and its not safe.

It's good to know there's people out there who agree with it. I don't think it's done her any harm- she's learned to build a factory and business empire on there using Roblox, and loves achieving things on there. Most of it self taught. I guess in her head, she doesn't know why I would limit her time on it, because it makes her so happy. Maybe I'll follow her lead more. Maybe I could have a little bowl of chocolates out each day and when they're gone, they're gone. I need to find ways to take the pressure off myself, because she's not up for following my structure or learning self regulation from me.

Any chance you could pinpoint me to some of these autism Facebook groups? I've found some for EDS, after you've suggested it.

I've also remembered I've got a remote GP service thing with LV life insurance. You need a PIN and they never sent me mine, but I'm going to make getting that a priority. Maybe they could refer me to some better physio or OT. I think my final desperate plan would be to put some private healthcare insurance onto a credit card for a year, and see if I can get some better support for me and DD through that. Hopefully after a year the DLA and things would have come through, so I could keep paying it, and if I get proper doctor support, it might help me be more financially productive anyway. But, I'm not super hopeful about the DLA as don't have much evidence as SENCO would only write she has selective mutism and that she copes quite well with it. But worth a shot. I'm sure she would get lower rate at least, which would cover quite a chunk of private health insurance. Then maybe gather more evidence via that.

Name changed - I will send you a private message and signpost you to the various groups. x

Just from my own experience my autistic DC asks the same questions over and over again and I asked them a few years ago why they do that when they know what my answer will be and they said because they I might give a different answer, so reframing that really helped me with how much it wears you down, and also not assuming to know the answer to something is actually a good skill to have.

This will have a life long impact on her, read about attachment disorder. Please please don't do this, get help in other ways. Where is dad? Childcare?

OP just wants some respite. I think the most helpful thing anyone on here can do is to listen and offer support. She will be fully aware I'm quite sure of the fact that care is damaging.

Emotional support from other mums can sometimes help a person get through just one more day.

It's really awful that there aren't enough services out there to provide respite and support for people who are struggling so much.

You sound more positive today op, that's great :)

Op, on Facebook follow The Autistic teacher
they post really informative snippets about autism that are very real and current thinking including’ instead of selective mutism’ which assumes a choice to be mute, but ‘situational mutism’ as it’s the environment that is causing the mutism. It’s not a choice, but a response to how they feel.

update- my early help lady came over and asked some questions. she's spoken to her manager today and said they want to keep my dd in the family. so this means my mum. but they haven't told me how they would get my dd to school, as my mum lives in a village with limited bus services each day, on the other side of the city, has bipolar and is recovering from a mastectomy. i've told them i need to get physically and mentally better before my little one can come back here- everything's in a state and i need proper time to get myself back on my feet. i don't know if anyone has any idea of what they would suggest?

they might well fund a taxi if that is the major stumbling block though it sounds like your mum is not really in the best position to care for your daughter right now. And it sounds like you have a complicated relationship which won't help if I remember rightly. Are there any other family members suitable ?

just reread to see your mother is abusive and is well known for it within the family so.i would not be happy for my daughter to stay there ! You have full PR so it is YOUR DECISION not theirs to make so if you are not happy say so and ask for what you want. People are quick to knock foster care and carers but she may be better off than in a known abusive situation that will give your mother more ammunition to abuse and control you with if you are really adamant she cannot return to live with you.

Yes she has PR and nobody can make her send her DD to her mum but the alternative is that she stays with OP, not that she goes into foster care. You're responding as if social services are the ones trying to remove the DD from the house - the OP is the one saying she can't cope.

a@MiltonNorthern
I am fully aware that she is the one looking to get her child moved because of her health and mental health issues. She is the one who mentioned putting her child in care temporarily hence the title of the thread. .I never mentioned social services trying to remove her child so no.idea what you are on about ? !

You have full PR so it is YOUR DECISION not theirs to make so if you are not happy say so and ask for what you want

The tone and context of this sentence implies that social services are trying to impose this move onto the OP (see the ALL CAPS!) and she needs to resist. There is no option of putting her child in care.

@namechangedforsaturday just wanted to say that I totally get where you’re coming from. I don’t have EDS but I have ME and your story, the medical gaslighting is only too real.
And I’ve had a similar experience with CAMHS and ASD with dc2….

I know that I would have struggled a lot if I had found myself a single parent when dcs were your dd age. So I can see where you’re coming from really.

I dint feel I have any proper advice for you. @Pantaloons99 said is great.
But I wanted you to know that I heard you. And I believe you.