have you ever had your child in care temporarily?

[namechangedforsaturday]

Long read, so if you don't like long reads, please don't read, rather than complain about a long read. Please be kind, I'm at the edge.

Name changed for this, as outing, but if you've ever had your child put into care temporarily, could you tell me how it went or give me some words of comfort?

I've just called social services and told them I don't think my child should be at home with me right now. I asked doctor for a referral to them about 2 months ago as reached the end of my rope and had spent a whole night unable to sleep and crying, at not being able to cope, but never heard anything back, and then I asked her school for help and they referred to Early Help, but they haven't done anything for me- just want to go through parenting strategies with me, when they truth is, I know how to parent by the book, my daughter doesn't respond to any of it and I'm struggling physically so can't meet her needs each day. Sorry, that was a long sentence!

I've been struggling with my health ever since she was born, but couldn't get anyone to listen or take me seriously. They always seem to imply that I just need to exercise more, or it's all in my head and caused by stress. I've seen three different physios, and the issue hasn't gotten any better, and despite diagnoses, I can't get any help or support with my needs, and when applying for a bus pass, the doctor even said to me 'You're too young to be disabled', and refused to sign the form for me. My physio emails me workouts to do, and when I tell her about issues I'm having, she just implies I'm not trying hard enough. Some days I literally cannot walk.

So yes, I am stressed, but the stress began when the physical disabilities began, and the stress is as a result of not being able to do the things I was able to do before. It's definitely not in my head. I had started to believe that maybe it was all in my head, and really did try with journaling and therapeutic techniques, to try and 'heal' these things away, but yesterday I was finally believed by a doctor, when I went into the walk in centre with arms which were going into spasms whenever I lifted them, or moved at certain angles. I'm okay with typing, because I'm sitting up straight and making sure I barely move my shoulders.

She said she could see my back muscles spasming as she touched in certain parts of my back, and gave me some anti-inflammatories and codeine. I haven't started them yet as I'm worried about being drowsy around my dd. She advised me to get a second opinion from a different rheumatologist. Rh diagnosed me previously with fibromyalgia and mild hypermobility spectrum disorder, and referred me to a terrible physio who just gave me bum clenches to do, but I believe I have EDS, or more than mild hypermobility, and that I'm deteriorating since giving birth, breastfeeding and solo parenting a very high needs, violent and angry young child who doesn't sleep very well. I don't dislocate (only once ages ago) or have stretchy skin, but my feet are constantly rolling over side ways and everything feels crazy loose, all over, and the physio exercises are making minimal differences. I had six months where I could barely swallow food, but docs just wanted me to have thyroid tests- all fine. It's sorted itself out now, but there are still times I choke for no reason.

I'm trying so hard to get better but my daughter is with me all the time, has massive meltdowns after school and refuses most of the time. She's 4. She won't eat any food I make for her and asks for chocolate all day constantly. I don't give in, she can have a little bit every day, or every other day but she's relentless and refuses to eat. I literally cannot meet her constant need for stimulation and try to get my health sorted. Let alone getting more and more into debt trying to meet our basic needs on UC, trying to fill in disability benefit forms, with no support, and feel as though I'm neglecting both of us. Last night, my spasms and arms were so bard that every time I rolled over, I woke myself up in agony and crying, and with my daughter attacking me violently when I refuse her chocolate, I can't defend myself at the moment, as I'm too weak.

I've tried every door and avenue, trying to parent her alone and keep her with me, but I don't think I can do it anymore, or my health will just get worse and worse.

I'm waiting on a call back from out of hours social services.

Btw, dd was referred for autism pathway by health visitor 18 months ago, but just had results of assessment back, and they've said no ASD as they did her observation in school where she masks, and school argued back with their observations of abnormalities and said 'it was unusual for her to act that way'. Which it isn't, so I don't know why they've said that, but I haven't the energy to fight back.

I feel like I need a few month of DD in care, so I can get my health sorted, chase up for second opinions and help, get out of my debts, get the ball rolling with disability benefits, and take control of my spiralling health and life, and home, which has become chaotic and dirty.

Am sorry things sound tough what it sounds like you're looking for is a respite carer not for her to be 'in care' ?
Unfortunately care placements for children are very difficult to source and ss as far as I know would look at family supporting first. Do you have anyone who could help and keep her routine as settled as possible?

Hi op sorry things are so challenging.

1. SS would need to have shared PR with you to place a child, which requires either you giving this to them or a court deciding this. Neither of which are quick, easy or can be turned around easy.
2. your best option is family or friends to assist. Child’s father has PR and SS would contact him. Friends/family could offer respite, say to day care without any court. If it goes to court you may loose choice and the ability to get child back easily or at all.
3. as mentioned respite is hugely difficult and tends to only be offered with high needs child already known to SS.
4. can a friend come and stay or visit to assist?

any change will be difficult for your child as well and SS will put their needs first.

its not that simple ….you can’t just hand her over til you get sorted….you will be offered early help first …..unless you are prepared to abandon her or put her at risk of immeadiate harm ….that way she will get an emergency placement …..and there will be an emergency court hearing and chid.dress service will be granted corporate PR…..the risk is you may well never get her back ( and I’m guessing you wouldn’t do this)…..if you are ‘lucky’…..she could be assessed as a child in need…..but , like early help, things won’t move that fast ..can you get some family or friends on board?

i don't have anyone to help. my mum will take her for a few days at a time for me when i'm desperate, but my mum is mentally abusive towards me and uses my daughter and my medical need for help as a pawn, so trying to break this cycle. I'm frightened to let my daughter go there as an ongoing solution, as my mum was abusive to me as a child. but none of my other family members will help, as they see it as my mum's job to support me, even though they know she's abusive and have low contact with her themselves.

however she's gone there now as my back has completely seized up and can barely walk.

emergency social worker called me and said she will tell my early help worker to call me. but i don't know what any of this will do, she hasn't helped me at all. i told the social worker i'm having suicidal thoughts, as it's all gotten too much for me, being in pain all day every day and not being able to get better, but she said there was nothing they could do today and told me to call 111/999 if it gets bad. she was very sympathetic though, even though she said there was nothing she could do right now. i told her my daughter is frightened i'm going to die, as i'm ill all the time, but they still think it's not good to seperate her from me for any length of time. i don't know why they think it's better for her to be with a mum who can't get off the sofa or even bath her every day or give her a proper routine, or go to the shop to get her new clothes whilst she's outgrowing her clothes, as i'm too ill.

her dad is on another continent, not on the birth certificate and completely awol. in and out of jail in his country since dd was born and haven't heard from him since she was 1. his family know about her but don't ask after her, i think he has a lot of children with a lot of different women who he has manipulated like me, so i guess the family can't keep up with all the kids he's fathered. i know of three of them. two older than dd, one younger. all different mums. it was a sexual assault which got me pregnant, as i met him when travelling, believed he was a nice guy, had a fwb situation using condoms, and when i said no to a serious relationship, he went inside me without a condom after promising he wouldn't and wouldn't get off.

ss know all of this as when i came back to the country to get away from him i was homeless, after my family members refused to let me stay with them, and had to go to ss for housing support. council and UC couldn't help me for 3 months, as i was classed as a non-resident for first 3 months, hence why going to ss. dd was on a protection plan for three months until we were housed, and then a child in need plan once we were housed permanently for three months. they said she was on a protection plan because they had no prior knowledge of me and had to make sure I wasn't mentally unstable, as I had come back with no money or housing, away from an abusive man. Once I had furniture, white good sorted and contact with children centres established, they took us off their system completely, with no follow up. Her child in need social worker died of covid, so I haven't been in touch with them since. He was very kind to us. If he hadn't have died I would have reached out sooner, directly through him.

sorry if any of this is rambly, i'm not feeling mentally at my best

The fact that your daughter has previously had a social worker will increase her vulnerabilities.

What you have said here does not reach threshold for child protection, definitely not child in need of care.

There is a known phenomenon where parents who have had social worker involvement for large amounts of time, especially when they bond well with the social worker, don't have confidence in their own ability to parent. Such parents, when facing a challenge, think they need social services to 'rescue' them. In fact they don't. You don't.

You can do this. You are able to parent on your own through illness and disability. Early Help support will help you do it, but you definely can do this. It is easily within your capacity.

it's not within my capacity, my health is falling apart from the constant parenting and i'm on the sofa 80 percent of the week. my child's mental health is suffering from being indoors so much and she's late for school every single day. i've started screaming back at her on a weekly basis, as i mentally and phsyically can't cope with her metldowns any more. the reason i have an injury right now is because of fighting her off me all the time. i've reached suicidal, having never reached this level of despair ever in my life. i had a social worker for a few months and met him about 4 times, and this was four years ago. the ones before when she was on protection plan were vile to me and i did everything i could to put a mask on my struggles so that i could come off it all.

my dd also told me she thinks i'm going to die as i'm constantly ill. i can't do it, i literally can not. which is why i'm here. i'd rather her go into care for the rest of her life than me end up in a wheelchair from not being able to recover, and her suffering as a result. i'm ready to take that risk.

@namechangedforsaturday
You can request a section 20 order which means you are making the decision to request care for your child. I am a foster carer and have known a few parents who gave done that whilst recovering from surgery etc.
Have a Google and read up on it but I warn you they will fight you and may well threaten to prosecute for child abandonment ( heard of that with few parents of teens unable to remain safely at home ) and foster carers are few and far between at present . However they legally have to look at providing care so they will do all they can to put support in at home to keep your child with you which might give you al you need to get through this.
I am not saying it is the right option but it IS an option and I am so sorry you are in such a tough place and really feel for you and your little one.

It sounds like you might need some mental health support, to help you feel better able to cope.

Are you on any mental health medication?

When was the last time it was reviewed?

Do you have crisis numbers to call? If not, try Samaritans.

What support would they put in at home? Would they get someone round to chop veg for me when my hands aren't working properly? When I can't cook because I can't lift the pan of water properly onto the stove? I don't think anyone in the system is really taking my medical issues on board properly. It's no life for a little girl. She's four and on computer games constantly because I can't do anything with her and living on take away which I put on a credit card now.

Thank you for your kindness though.

@namechangedforsaturday
Well research section 20 anyway . You legally have the right to request care for your child. You still retain full PR and it may be an option to get you through this awful time. Good luck x

You could buy ready meals. Supermarkets do 'microwave for 5 minutes' type meals that need no prep time.

I’m so sorry OP. It sounds like you really are at the end of your teather. Are you on any medication at all for your mental health? Have you seen a therapist, or could you afford one privately? You sound as though you’re in a constant state of overwhelm. (No offence intended). Is there anyone in your family or her dad’s family who could take your DD temporarily until you’re feeling better? Is dad around, could he take on some more?

My lovely OP. MY Heart breaks for you ♥️. The amount of gaslighting you have been subjected to is enough to send you over the edge. Firstly, I believe 100% you have EDS. I have it too. Gaslighting is rife! I knew you had EDS after reading the first few lines of your post. Because this is such a familiar story. It is almost textbook. And yes, you know better than these imbecile doctors I promise you.

And yes, I believe your child is also Autistic. Again you have been gaslit by the school. That's what they do. They did it to me. I had to pay for an assessment in the end. I lost my mind with it all.

The trauma from this is so real and cripples us. I don't like the tone of some replies on here. People who haven't lived this shit don't know they are born. Many of us wish we had cancer ffs, that's how hideous this combination of stresses can be with this awful condition plus being alone with a SEM child.

EDS is genetically linked to autism. I wonder if you feel you might yourself be autistic? I'm not trying to diagnose you and it isn't going to help right now but if you believe you are, then I believe 100% you are. It may explain some things. I imagine if you are you've been gaslit over that and told you have borderline personality disorder.

I can't answer your question regards foster care. But, I have some experience ref not wanting family members near your child. This may feel very hard to hear but how is your mum with your child? Is she relatively ok? Because right now this is your best option. I have been in a similar position and your only real choice for now is your mum and I think you should take it. Unless she is physically hurting your daughter. Often, in this situation, the GM wants to do a better job than they did with you. Are you able to say to her ' I would appreciate your help right now, can you do x number of nights a week for now? Could she do 3 nights a week for you? You will be feeling overwhelmed by your own experience with her as a mother but it doesn't always mean it will translate onto your daughter. I understand there is a huge price to pay for you in this situation. Having her on side for now, and helping you, even though she is probably a narcissist by sounds of it, may give you emotional space to just breathe and think about how to move forward with more care and support, even if going into care is your final decision in the end.

None of this is your fault.

Ask for an assessment from adult social care who should be able to offer support so you are able to parent under the Care Act.

I work with children in care (not a SW but I work with them). Firstly, it’s not so easy to get a s20 order and CSC will do everything they can to work with you to prevent this. Partly this is because there is a serious shortage of foster carers - you need to understand that if they do agree to accommodate your child, she may be placed some distance away from you and even have to move school. They will do everything they can to avoid this, but if there are no local LA carers available they will have to look further afield at agency carers. The other thing to be aware of is carers often don’t commit long-term or give notice, so children can have placement moves which can be really destabilising. If your DD has additional needs she will be harder to place so it may be more likely that she has to go further away.

You are really really struggling right now, that is clear. But outcomes for children are generally better if they can stay with their birth parents where possible and CSC will want to try and support you to stay together if this can happen.

Yes good point ref adult social care. They are supposed to give you support to care for your child. I didn't see anything about childcare. To be honest, I'd have her in a child care setting as much as you get money for. You are the absolute priority here. I also wouldn't care about the internet or screen. The good thing is if she's Autistic screens are what Autistic kids often love as a regulation tool.

I echo that you need to seek assessment from adult social services for you, also pip if you haven't already which at least helps with the additional cost of ready chopped or prepared food.

It is possible to get emergency care for your dd, but whether you wish to go down this path is your choice, because there's no guarantee that you can then get custody back. I have an old friend (since moved away and lost touch) who literally drive her ds to children's services and sat in the lobby until a social worker came, when they refused emergency respite she literally walked out leaving him, cps didn't pursue the threatened child abandonment charge because it was a safe place.

As far as the asd diagnosis, it could be her circumstances (not your fault I should add) are blamed for traits, I've seen papers written on this, therapeutic foster care really could be a good option as you realise but so would them providing you with the support to raise your dd.

Fight for help is basically what I'm saying, you both deserve it

That all sounds so stressful OP. Have you looked at charities that could help? Are you able to say, roughly, where you live then Mumsnetters could see what is available locally. Something like Home-Start?

Thank you <3

To answer some questions-

Ready meals aren't easy for me as I'm vegetarian, and I couldn't live on mac n cheese and lasagne every night. There isn't much affordable, healthy options for veggies when it comes to prepped food. I tried going back onto meat against my beliefs and desires, for an easier life, but it just causes more fatigue and pain, so I've stopped that. If you don't believe me, please don't comment, as you don't know what it's like living with this.

I've looked at home-start a few times, there's none in my area. The nearest one closed down. I called the helpline and they couldn't find me a service nearby, that would accept me with my location.

I did call adult social services a few years ago when I was in agony whilst breastfeeding and struggling with mobility, but they never got back to me.

I'm on a nine week waiting list for counselling. Had some and CBT before but it's always short term. Haven't got any money to go private.

Haven't applied for PIP yet but have been put onto an assessment for limited capacity to work by job centre and received the forms yesterday. The forms however, are all geared towards people missing limbs and extreme situations like that, so I don't know if they'll approve it. But I'm going to try, anyway. Then I guess PIP, if I can find the energy.

I'm in Kent.

No other family or friends who can support, the dad isn't in contact, neither are his family and they're on another continent.

I don't think I'm autistic. I did go through a phase once, of thinking I might be, solely due to me getting on quite well with a few autistic people, but then I went through a lot of therapy and peeled back a lot of layers, and there was more neurotypical traits underneath the childhood trauma which had been making me socially anxious. I think the autistic friends had made me feel more comfortable than neurotypical friends as I didn't feel like I had to hide my trauma around them. If that makes sense? I don't seem to have any social worries or think about how I come across or worry about what to say in certain situations, but do have to mask my physical pain a lot, if you know what I mean. Or mask my story and history, because people make assumptions.

I've called mental health team and a nurse will call me back within 72 hours.

Has anyone referred you to occupational therapy OP?

I did ask the school for help with my dd going to after school club, to make things easier. She always seemed more regulated and happy coming out of there, on the few times I had had to use it for appointments, and she would eat their food whilst she wouldn't eat mine. It gave me time to rest as well, and less hours after school to fill each night trying to keep her stimulated. If she comes out at normal 3pm time, she is so angry and full of rage towards me and will break things. I've had to stand outside the house with her before, as it wasn't safe to let her into the house.

I wrote the headteacher a long heartfelt letter explaining my situation, and asking for help towards her after school club from tues to thurs. I said I was happy to pay towards her food as didn't expect the school to finance her food. It wouldn't cost them anything for her to just be there, apart from that. I said it would help with her attendance as wouldn't need to send her to my mum's to have a break. My mum can't get her to school and can't travel on a Sunday to bring her home, because of public transport not operating.

She never replied but then they got another staff member to tell me that my outstanding bill needing paying within one working day or my dd would be banned from after school club.

I mentioned the after school club thing to early help worker. She said she would speak to the school about it. When I chased her up about it, she said "Yeah I don't think they're going to let her go for free." I asked her about helping me to find grants to pay for after school club, so I could rest, and suggested EHCP to fund the after school club, and she was very vague, said she wasn't sure, and never got back to me. After school club is free play with a meal, and a couple of teachers who stay after school to manage it. Nothing extraordinary or outscourced. Doesn't cost them anything, and I'd said I would pay for her food. So what exactly is she supposed to be helping me with?!

no, the doctor said there's nothing they can do for me.