Explaining found family to my daughter as she grows, and dealing with in-laws rejection of it.

[maggiemagpie03]

Hi everyone,

So I need some advice.

My mum passed when I was a teenager and it left a huge void in my life. At the same point my best friends family really took me in. My best friends mum and dad embraced me as family. I met them when I was 16 and my mum passed when I was 18.

They made sure I was okay, had a place to go, filled my cupboards with food and played an important role in my life.

Encouraging my education, teaching me how to drive and being friends in general tbh. but also taking a parental role, they absolutely would be honest and say I was making a wrong choice when i was doing so.

They stepped in when I had nothing and we've built a bond over the years and I see them as family, as they see me.

My pregancy was really difficult and there was a worry over complications with the pregancy. I went straight to my best friends mum as my best friend had a lot of health problems when they were born.

Again they were there for me.

When I was getting married they were helping me plan, travel to venues/businesses and were always a safe place to go to, to feel at home. Ever since my mum passed I've spent Xmas at theirs. Once my baby was born I've always referred to them (with their consent) as gran and papa. However my in laws really don't approve and keep saying that it will confuse my baby/toddler as they grow. I need some advice on how to solve this situation.

My daughter is very much a grandchild to them and they welcome us as family. However my in-laws absolutely hate it. It makes a really uncomfortable situation to try and explain (Often ends with an 'agree to disagree'). My husband is slightly uncomfortable with non-blood being called family but understands why it is important to me and that the love and care expands to our daughter.

So some questions...
Has anyone had a similar expirence?
How did you manage the in-laws/blood family?
How did you explain found family to your little one, and how did it play out?

Don't overcomplicate it.
They get zero say and tell your coward husband that this is your family and he can back you or you'll end up tell his mother where to fuck off to.

Children are so accepting. Don't make it into a thing.
At some point you'll probably naturally talk about your biological family. When you were young and then when you met their Gran and Pappa.
They won't need a big revel. It will just be their natural fact.

My goodness, where to start.

Who the fuck do your in-laws, and your husband, think they are?

Who are they to tell you who your family are? Would they say/feel this if you had been adopted as a baby? Who made them in charge as to how you feel about the people in your life? "Non-blood." Fucking hell, are your in-laws really this ignorant?

You have a massive, massive husband problem, and you are free to tell your child anything you want.

Perhaps you can tell your in-laws (and husband) that, in your eyes, they are family to you and your daughter and this is nothing but a good thing in your eyes. You could suggest that perhaps they have difficulties understanding this relationship as they don't have any relationships of their own that are similar, none the less, it is all good as the more people we have in the world to love us and be loved back, the better.

After this, you could just say, 'it works for me and it's lovely for DD too' whenever they bring it up. It really isn't something they need to have an opinion on. Hopefully this will sink in after you demonstrate that you are happy with the relationship and it's not going to change.

You should definitely continue being close to your found family. It seems that they have always been there for you.

Your DH's family are unreasonable, they want to separate you from the family you have. Even if they are not blood related they are your family.

I would set the boundaries with his family not to date to ask you those things again. Your child has every right to have two set of loving grandparents.

How was your DH with your found family before you got married?

I've got similar found relatives OP. My oldest daughter grew up with what amounted to an extra mother rather than grandparents. Never had to explain it to her, no-one ever objected, and we are all still really close. She's grown up now and is as close to 2nd mum as she is to me! We're her village.
The problem is your in-laws. Set the boundary. Accept that this is who I am and these are my family or I will have to back off from you because I find the endless questioning and arguing unnecessary and tedious and upsetting. They've no right. And get your DH on your side, what's he doing not backing you up?
Your found family sound wonderful.

The non-blood argument is weird. How would they feel if you were adopted? Also it's not unusual for children to refer to their parents' friends as Aunty or Uncle, do your husband and in-laws dissapprove of that too?

These people have been more than family to you. They stepped up when they didn't need to. TBH I would just ignore your in-laws, they are clearly jealous. There's really no need for ill feeling though. You have some good people in your life.

Honestly I think they want yo detach you as it will mean they are the only grandparents and that's where you spend Christmas.

These people are your family. You can never have too much love. They essentially adopted you without the legal bit. They did what parents do without any requirement to , which deserves love and respect. I bet your mum would have been pleased to know they took care of you.

I genuinely cannot believe that they have got issue with someone who lost their mum at such a young age referring to people who took her into their lives as family.
How does this even keep coming up, surely this is a conversation that happens once?
And yes, what would they say if you were adopted/fostered?
The more I think of this the weirder it gets - the extent of any 'confusion' for a child would be 'mummy, how can gran and grandad be my gran and grandad but they aren't your mummy and daddy' and then you explain that 'family' means people who love each other very much and you were lucky enough to find some extra family???
Sorry, I'm actually quite angry on your behalf - you've been through so much, losing your mum at such a crucial age, and they seem to be ignoring that.
We have a complicated adoption situation in my family, and when it was explained to me as a child, I just had a few questions and that was that.

Well presumably you are/will be very clear to your children that these (lovely) people aren’t your parents? And you will also talk to your children about their deceased grandparents? So I am certain your children won’t be confused. There is plenty of room in a child’s life (in anyone’s life) for multiple people who love and care for them.

It may of course be that your in-laws would have been like that (same feeling but different ‘reasons’) with your biological family. Do they feel pushed out? Do they see your child as much as they would like/as much as your found family do?
is it something about the names? Did your MIL want to be ‘gran’ and now has to be ’grandma’?

Jealousy
If your family were your blood family the in-laws would still be acting this way. They just think it will be easier to push them out if they're not 'real' grandparents.
They want to monopoly on your dd.
Boils down to jealousy and them being jealous of the bond your family have with your daughter.

It won't confuse your dd. It can only be a good thing to have more people in her life who love her unconditionally.

Would you be able to shut down these conversations with your in laws? Practice some stock phrases like 'I love them' and 'DD is fine' and refuse to be drawn.

As an adoptees I find it very strange how some people are so obsessed with 'blood relatives', that really isn't what makes a proper family.

Depending how old little one is, there comes a time around 3 when they start asking about family. Probably ita covered in nursery. We had to have lot of conversations about who mummy's mummy was for example. During that conversation you can say "mummy's mummy who had mummy in her tummy and cared for her when she was little died. I was very lucky as papa and gran looked after me as I got older and they're like my mum and dad now". I'm sure it will come up more than once and then it's not a bit surprise or secret, she knows it forever.

Your inlaws are dickheads.

My god they are acting horrendously. It sounds to me like they want to be the only grandparents so they can have full control of grandparenting duties. I'd tell them to get fucked and distance myself from them. They would not be looking after my DC with such an appaling attitude.

Holy shit OP that is awful. How dare they! It's an insight into how to small minded they are.

What I've found with my kids is that they enjoy understanding where people fit into the family, whether that's blood, marriage, or just love. They naturally ask in order to understand but then totally accept it.

I've always taken an approach of answering honestly in an age-appropriate way to any question my kids raise. That's the approach I'd take with your kids and I would completely ignore/shut down your in-laws. Dickheads.

You don’t need to discuss it with them, it’s nothing to do with them. I had an extra grandmother (found) & it didn’t confuse me (or my grandparents) at all. Just tell them to
mind their own business.

We have someone who has come into our family recently. These things happen sometimes & it’s such a gift. Life is about connection isn’t it.

In some cultures there are lots of extended family relationships and beyond. My bestie has 2 kids who call me aunty. I'm not their aunty but love those kids !
Relationships are forged through sharing and caring and not genetics. These people sound kind and lovely and I'm delighted they are in your DD life

They are family to you.

We have a close friend, both our children call him uncle (the eldest is 20) My girls know he isn’t either of ours brother they not confused. They just know they have someone amazing in their life who loves them and treats them as family too.

It’s got fuck all to do with your in laws.

You've explained the relationship and that’s all there is to it. You don’t need to keep explaining, if they don’t get it, it’s their problem. Same with your dh, they’re your family.

Urgh they sound narrow minded and unpleasant. What would their reaction be should you have been formally adopted? Your family (the ones who nurtured loved and looked after you) are very special and you're right to defend your feelings towards them. Your husband needs to develop a back bone. Fast.

Have you ever been a little bit prickly with them about it.
”I feel you are being rude about Tom and Barbara, they really have stepped up for me over decades now.”
”X knows who my mother is, and when you say she’ll be confused I find it extremely disrespectful to her memory.”
”I am aware of your feelings on this matter, but I must ask you to respect me on this, it is intrusive and very very upsetting to me that you are trying to diminish two amazing people.”

@Wibblywobblylikejelly has said it all perfectly!!

Dont let your in laws 'other' your (found) family. We moved to a far flung country when I was 8 and were basically adopted by our friends family as another branch of the family tree. But a newcomer to the family (married one of the 'cousins' really 'othered' us & as a child that was horrible.

Get your DH told that as far as anyone was concerned they ARE your family & his family will be told to fuck off if they ever mention it again.

their insecurity isn't your problem, they need telling!

Why don’t you start a life story type book? Put a family tree in tracing blood relations for you daughter on both sides. And also have pages with photos of all important people in your family life and your husband’s family life. Put in any lovely photos you have of your found family on special occasions with you - pics of your best friend and you from when your mum was still with you. Pics from later of your found family and you at Christmases, on your wedding day.
Your daughter will love it. And you can add to it over time :)