Explaining found family to my daughter as she grows, and dealing with in-laws rejection of it.

[maggiemagpie03]

Hi everyone,

So I need some advice.

My mum passed when I was a teenager and it left a huge void in my life. At the same point my best friends family really took me in. My best friends mum and dad embraced me as family. I met them when I was 16 and my mum passed when I was 18.

They made sure I was okay, had a place to go, filled my cupboards with food and played an important role in my life.

Encouraging my education, teaching me how to drive and being friends in general tbh. but also taking a parental role, they absolutely would be honest and say I was making a wrong choice when i was doing so.

They stepped in when I had nothing and we've built a bond over the years and I see them as family, as they see me.

My pregancy was really difficult and there was a worry over complications with the pregancy. I went straight to my best friends mum as my best friend had a lot of health problems when they were born.

Again they were there for me.

When I was getting married they were helping me plan, travel to venues/businesses and were always a safe place to go to, to feel at home. Ever since my mum passed I've spent Xmas at theirs. Once my baby was born I've always referred to them (with their consent) as gran and papa. However my in laws really don't approve and keep saying that it will confuse my baby/toddler as they grow. I need some advice on how to solve this situation.

My daughter is very much a grandchild to them and they welcome us as family. However my in-laws absolutely hate it. It makes a really uncomfortable situation to try and explain (Often ends with an 'agree to disagree'). My husband is slightly uncomfortable with non-blood being called family but understands why it is important to me and that the love and care expands to our daughter.

So some questions...
Has anyone had a similar expirence?
How did you manage the in-laws/blood family?
How did you explain found family to your little one, and how did it play out?

Presumably they don't see you as family then? Because you're not blood related? So they have zero rights regarding how you live your life, who you love, how you refer to different relationships.

Your husband chose to marry you. Surely he considers you to be his family? Despite not being blood related.

Bonkers.

I'd be incredibly hurt and insulted. I'd feel angry at their disrespect of your found parents.

So I take it your husband finds you uncomfortable, since you’re not his blood family. Or does that conveniently not count in his mind.

Right now in our home we have me, my husband, our two children and my mum. Not a single blood relation between us, and no ones confused, well, not about that.

Goodness, they sound better than the real thing! (certainly in your case....). What wonderful people for your dd to grow up around. Your in-laws need to back off, it's nothing to do with them and not up to them to accept or not accept.

Just tell your dd that they helped look after you a lot through your childhood and even now you are a grown up and have loved you and done lots of the things that family does for a really long time - so you see them as your family. No big deal, just all very lovely. Children accept this sort of thing very easily and happily, they sound like wonderful people.

WTAF has it got to do with your in-laws? I have a massive and complicated blended family, and so I refer to half- and step-siblings as just 'my brother', 'my sister' as it's rarely worth getting in to all the specifics, and likewise 'my parents' means my mum and step-dad, even though my dad and step-mum are also in the picture. It's no-one's decision but mine how I refer to my family, and the same is absolutely true for you.

But beyond that, and I say again, WTAF has it got to do with your in-laws? If, let's say, you had six lots of people you were referring as as 'uncle and aunty so-and-so' and insisting that your family time had to be split equally between all of them, so your in-laws were only getting a small amount of time to see your DC themselves, but effectively your DC has two grandparents on your side, two grandparents on your DH's side. Easy peasy.

On a final note, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you lost your mum at the age my DS is now. I think it's our (second) greatest fear as parents, leaving our children too soon. How grateful and relieved your mum would be to know that, when she could no longer be with you, your best friend's mum and dad stepped in to ensure you would still have the love of a family.

Your inlaws are living proof that sometimes blood families can be a total design fault and pain in the arse. Take no notice of them and carry on in your own away - it sounds like a good way that has made you happy all your life.

I wonder if there is something about your found family that your in laws don't like because of a prejudice?

They're bonkers OP and possibly jealous.

You keep doing you. How wonderful that you found this family and I'm heartened to know that people like them exist.

All this blood nonsense - it suggests they aren't particularly bright.
Your mother and father in law aren't blood family. They chose each other just as you and your 'adoptive' family did. Tell them this next time they talk such nonsense.

Your in-laws are being narrow minded. Best to tell your husband what you've said on here. That they are your closest living family. And it hurts you deeply when his family question or look down on it. He then needs to tell them to stop their commentary.

Not found family in quite the same way - but I have a whole messy, complicated back story to explain to my daughter compared to DH’s simple very ‘tidy’ family background.

What I do know is that I always just kind of knew and accepted my own situation/ background - there was never any kind of big reveal and I always knew exactly who was who, never found it weird. All of my parents (birth and sort of adoptive but not really) died before I had DD so it will be harder for her to grasp maybe rather than just knowing and accepting the people themselves, but I just talk about and refer to people as and when and will answer questions if they arise and hopefully that will be enough. DD calls my oldest sister ‘nana’ for example, we all started out referring to her as ‘auntie x’ but because she’s older than me and already has grandchildren who call her nana, and because my sister does kind of take on a grandparent role towards DD - nana it has become. I don’t worry that it’s confusing her - it’s just a name she’s chosen to use for a much loved family member and both DD and ‘nana’ are happy with it which is all that actually matters.

I wasn’t raised by ‘blood’ and I know the idea that you can only really treat ‘blood’ as family to be utterly false. I’ve one or two ‘blood’ family members still in my life but the majority not. Your ILs and DH need to realise that their definition of family as meaning blood isn’t the only one, and they don’t get to impose it on anyone else. With your IL’s I’d be quite clear ‘sorry, it’s really nothing to do with you and doesn’t impact on your relationship with DD in any way so please don’t worry about it any more’.

I love this idea. It can really reinforce the importance of all of these people in your lives.

As a PP said , children are accepting and it just won't be a big deal to your DD. It's just more people to support and love her in her life which can only be a good thing.

Also it's so lovely that this family were so there for you. While the circumstances are obviously awful and I'm sorry for your loss, I'm so glad for you that you had this family in your life.

your husband needs to accept that they are your family. They’ve de facto adopted you and they are your parents - and your children’s grandparents. Thats not up for debate. It’s how things are.

And he needs to tell his parents that it is absolutely none of their business. The only thing that will confuse the children is them and their weird attitude.

But it is at heart at husband problem. If he sorts himself out and stops trying to determine who your family are, then he’ll also sort out his family and set boundaries for them.

No need for special concerts like found family. They are your family.

I do actually think it will be confusing for a child to call family friends Gran and Grandpa, but that is just the way it is - some situations are confusing, and when they are older they will understand that these people stepped in to look after you when your mother died, and you see them as parental figures.

Your in-laws don't get a say in any of that. Your husband can express his opinion, and I can even understand his discomfort with using family titles here, but if you want your children to call them gran and grandpa that is your choice.

But these aren’t family friends.

They are basically the OP’s adoptive parents.

Ignore them, continue relationship with your new found family, I had similar, a lovely lady that took me under her wing when I lost my mum, she was there for me whatever, really putting herself out on occasion, I always had vibes from MIL and could see her eye rolls when my friends name was mentioned, as far as my DC were concerned my older friend was another nanny. I think MIL was jealous, I think she thought she’d be able to monopolise my DC, in fact she never went out of her way to have them, but would tut, eye roll if she found out my friend had looked after them. Sadly my friend has passed, but I valued our relationship and grieved for her as if we were close blood relatives.
It’s really lovely for your DC to have other elders willing to look out for them.

I don’t think you’ve said how old your daughter is? Sorry if you have.

I would be explaining it in the context of a story, very factual, about your lives from an early age in the same way that you do with adopted kids. For ours we would tell stories about when they came to live with us rather than ‘when you were born’. If the in-laws contradict that, just say something in an age appropriate along the lines of ‘some people just see family as a genetic thing but we think that family are the people who have your back when you need it and that’s absolutely what xxxx are for us, so they’re our family’.

The family tree type thing or photo album is a good idea too, treat it like a story book ‘here’s grandma a, she was mummy’s mum, she died when mummy was 18’ look at pictures and tell stories, ‘here’s xxx (whatever you call them), this is when I was 19 and we did… When you were born she helped me a lot by doing …’

But frankly the in-laws sound bloody awful.

I can't comment on your in laws. I can comment on your daughter being confused.
My Grandpa died before I was born.
My Nana had a very close (male) friend, he didn't live with her but they were always together when I saw them. I had no idea this man wasn't my Grandpa until he died when I was a teenager.
I called all his children aunties and uncles and their children my cousins.
I was surprised when I discovered we were in no way related but not upset or confused. So even if you never tell her outright I think she will be fine.

I agree with @Foxblue it's completely bizarre that they are bringing this up at all and it's beyond comprehension that they resent a relationship that began because a teenager's mother died.

It's a despicable attitude.

One of my mother's acquaintances once said to my mother that her new son in law to be was perfect...because his parents were dead so there would be no problems with the newlyweds coming to her for all the Christmases etc to come.

This is only a ‘thing’ because they chose to make it so. The situation kind of reminds me Gavin and Stacey when Nessa says on her to the wedding that when people ask if her Mum will be at the wedding she said yes, that her name was Gwen..because without her, she’d have been lost..❤️

My DD has an ‘extra grandparent’…my Mum died before she was born. ExMIL is a toxic nightmare, XH and I agreed not to have any contact with her again. ExFIL and StepMIL are pleasant enough but a long drive away and puts in minimal effort to see her. My Dad’s partner has been in her life since she was a baby and she’s a grandma to DD. His DP has biological grandchildren but she adores DD. DD understands the dynamics, she’s 11.

In terms of your DC, I would carry on as you are. I like the idea of a family book with information for her to learn more later. She probably won’t fully understand the importance of the relationship until she’s much older..and that’s okay. So yes. If your in-laws are making this a thing, I would be pushing back saying it’s very offensive that the people you regard as family, the people who took you in a such a vulnerable time, who made your life what it is, are disregarded. If they continue after that, I’d be stepping back from spending time with them. Family isn’t about blood, family is the people who love you.

they are more of a grandparent then my children have on either side. More of a parent then I have!!

your daughter is incredibly lucky, if it’s always part of her story it won’t be a thing. If you’ve a photo of your mum around she will ask and it can be an open conversation. As she grows it won’t be a bombshell or need.

your in laws are massively bat shit. Who doesn’t want their grand child to be surrounded with love and people that care?

I think this is standard PIL feeling threatened by DIL’s family and they’re hanging it on your family being a found family or they’re just very closed minded and don’t get a new concept in case refer to them as your adopted family.

As for your daughter, she will accept anything as the status quo and when she is a little older or even now you can show her photos of your birth parents and tell them that they’re her grandparents who she won’t meet and do the whole some people think their stars, something think their in heaven, some people think their in memories (Julia Donaldson paper dolls has a Grandma in a memory) and I think ….

My best friend passed away and I try to look out for her daughter and her children call me Nanna and are treated the same as my bio grandchildren. I refer to their mum as my god daughter though she technically isn't. It can cause issues but l just ignore them and carry on. It's my choice to be there for them, not my extended families and whilst I try to respect their choices I will not have my love and care for them (dgc) questioned by anyone.

Families are complicated and your in laws are being extremely weird about this.
Not the same situation but mum's mum (I never call her a grandparent as she never was) died when mum was a young teenager the family fell apart and ended up estranged. I grew up with just paternal grandparents and as a child you just accept it for what it is there is no need to overcomplicate it.

When you DC is a little older you just tell her that your parents weren't around to look after you as they died and in that they took you in and treated you like a daughter. She won't think anymore of it as that is her normal and how her family is. As a warning though lots of 4 year olds tend to get a bit obsessed with the idea of death and dying when they start to understand it if you tell her around then.

We had a friend of my grandparents who was referred to as Nanny Gill when we were younger. We all knew she wasn’t a blood relation but we saw her so much she was family and she treated us like grandkids.
when she passed, I was heartbroken- she was my Nan.

Blood doesn’t come into it. Love does.

@TheYearOfSmallThings These people are much more to op than simply 'family friends'.