Explaining found family to my daughter as she grows, and dealing with in-laws rejection of it.

[maggiemagpie03]

Hi everyone,

So I need some advice.

My mum passed when I was a teenager and it left a huge void in my life. At the same point my best friends family really took me in. My best friends mum and dad embraced me as family. I met them when I was 16 and my mum passed when I was 18.

They made sure I was okay, had a place to go, filled my cupboards with food and played an important role in my life.

Encouraging my education, teaching me how to drive and being friends in general tbh. but also taking a parental role, they absolutely would be honest and say I was making a wrong choice when i was doing so.

They stepped in when I had nothing and we've built a bond over the years and I see them as family, as they see me.

My pregancy was really difficult and there was a worry over complications with the pregancy. I went straight to my best friends mum as my best friend had a lot of health problems when they were born.

Again they were there for me.

When I was getting married they were helping me plan, travel to venues/businesses and were always a safe place to go to, to feel at home. Ever since my mum passed I've spent Xmas at theirs. Once my baby was born I've always referred to them (with their consent) as gran and papa. However my in laws really don't approve and keep saying that it will confuse my baby/toddler as they grow. I need some advice on how to solve this situation.

My daughter is very much a grandchild to them and they welcome us as family. However my in-laws absolutely hate it. It makes a really uncomfortable situation to try and explain (Often ends with an 'agree to disagree'). My husband is slightly uncomfortable with non-blood being called family but understands why it is important to me and that the love and care expands to our daughter.

So some questions...
Has anyone had a similar expirence?
How did you manage the in-laws/blood family?
How did you explain found family to your little one, and how did it play out?

Family isn’t about blood. Its the people who love and care for you.
Your friends family sound like wonderful people and have earned every right to be your childs grandparents.

Will your daughter be told about your mum @maggiemagpie03 ?

I can't begin to imagine what your ILs' problem is. How does it affect them? What harm do they think it is doing? It is simply more people to love your DD, and who could object to that?

What is it they want you to do/not do?

I grew up with loads of people I called aunty and uncle, I knew we weren't related, it wasn't confusing it was the way it was. Family is what you make it. And they're just mean, not wanting you to have a family because your mum died.

They are just jealous and it is none of their business. Next time it gets mentioned then tell them to fuck off. That should do it.

Once you have shut that convo down they will probably start about something else so watch out for that.

Your in-laws are the ones being odd.

The family effectively fostered you, albeit unofficially due to your age. Lots of children are fostered and will continue to have a relationship with their foster parents as they grow up - this may extend to their own children and is in no way strange. It’s providing your children with an important link to your past.

I think it's lovely they cared for you this way and as your dd grows up telling her the story will teach her something about how we should treat others.
Don't stand for your partner and his family being funny about them, speak up for them every time and say they are the best people you know and you won't have a word said against them.

Wtf am I reading. What absolute pillocks your in laws are.

Its evidently jealousy, if you dont have your found family, they get to be the only grandparents.

Well fuck that shit.

To make a huge long story reasonably short,
I lost my parents at a similar age to you,
I fell apart, did crazy things, was a awful person, a woman took me in, helped me out and up, shes still in my life now, shes taken on the parent role to me, grandparent role to my children. She is a superstar and I wont have a bad word said about her.
If any of my DPs over the years had said a bad word about her, they would have been thrown out. If anyone had tried to separate us, I would not let them.

Your child will come to know over time that you are not truly related, I dont think it has to be a big reveal. Itll be more organic, and children are quite accepting of such things. Mine always knew my mother wasnt really my mother as I'd never hidden my real parents. Pictures, stories of when I was young, stuff like that. It never mattered to them then, and now.

@maggiemagpie03 you've had some lovely proposals. How to explain who gran and papa are.

For your IL and dh, each time they bring the question, I’d tell them you’ve adopted each other. And then ask them if they would dare question someone who has been adopted when they were younger.

Unfortunately, I think you have as much of an issue with your dh than with your IL too 😢

I don't think I know anyone who doesn't have chosen family.

My DD grew up with a step-nan. She has uncles and aunts that aren't blood. I grew up with an auntie that wasn't blood, and I have a friend who is as good as a sister. I don't understand the fuss?

Family means many things to different people. You don't have to be blood related!

Your in laws are overstepping the mark. I think you have to make it very clear to them that these people are your family and you find any suggestion that they're not highly offensive. And then tell them you won't be having this discussion again.

I had an aunt and godmother who was fostered in my family (unable to be adopted as needed Mother's permission at the time and she disappeared) and I would have found any suggestion that she wasn't family extremely hurtful. She was as loved as much as any blood relative (actually more than a lot of them)

You don't need to explain anything to your daughter, she'll pick it up when she's old enough and you can answer her questions then.

The more difficult thing to explain is going to be why Mummy doesn't talk to Daddy's parents, although "Because they're fucking knobheads" will probably suffice.

Talk to your husband OP, tell him that if your In laws don't shut the fuck up they won't be part of your life, and that if he doesn't back you up, neither will he.

Children don't get "confused" by things like this. Weirdly prejudiced and irrational people who want to make sure their views are accepted by younger generations regularly trot out the "it will confuse them" line when they don't want a child to be exposed to any opinions or facts that contradict the mindset that person wants the child to be forced into. Do not worry about any confusion.

Your baby's nana and papa are basically your adoptive parents it was just never formalised as such because you were on the cusp of adulthood when your mum died. They are your baby's grandparents with ties that are just as thick as blood and it's totally weird of yoir PIL to object - a baby cannot have too much love or too many people loving them.

I would start with your Husband - ensure he knows your found family are equally important to his parents and they've earned their title of gran / granddad a hundred times over in the support and love they have provided. Also, there will be zero tolerance of any negative comments regarding them from him or his family and he needs to relay this to his family. Drawn a strong boundary line.

Ensure you remain close to your found family. Honestly, the entitled behaviour of some people is astounding.

So sorry you have to deal with this weaponised ignorance.

My ILs had a very ‘traditional’ set up (married, 2 kids) and when DP and I met they made SO many remarks about my family (lots of half sibs, unrelated people close to the family who were really positive parental figures to me). The ILs smugness at being the ‘right’ kind of family setup has always got to me.

However, my children have a great relationship with all of my family, we talk often about who is related to whom. They often remark in a pleased way that they have so many grandmas! (And all the spoiling that goes with that!) And our lives are all the better for that. They have lots of different examples of family setups that inform their lives.

Children have the capacity to give affection to the kind and loving people in their lives, no matter their blood relation status. Ours have a lovely relationship with the ILs who seem to have realised this and wound their necks in a fair bit.

Your IL’s can ‘reject’ what they like but it’s a them problem and you don’t have to prove anything to them about the worthiness of ‘non blood’ relationships.

There are many ways to make a family. Your child won’t question it and will grow up and learn the story. In the beginning they don’t even understand that the family is related. My dd was shocked to discover at 6 that her Grandmother was also her dad’s mum.

I'm sorry about your losses, OP, but also so pleased you have these wonderful people in life who have treated you as a daughter.

I lost my parents young - nothing near as young as you were - and also have in-laws who tried to 'downgrade' the close friends in my life who nurtured me through the loss of my mother. The in-laws' own awful behaviour made my loss a good deal harder to bear whilst others went out of their way to make it easier. Those are the people now in our lives, who get to share the good times with us and are prioritised on the invitation list for occasions like Christmas and our wedding (we eloped with only a few guests present). Of course, they kicked off about this with DH but had more sense than to do so with me.

I bitterly resented it for a while. I'd lost my closest family, and seemingly not content with that, they seemed to want to deprive me of my support network into the bargain.

You'll be unsurprised to learn I have no contact with them now.

You are in no way being unreasonable. Your in-laws, and by extension, your DH, are.

Your family sounds wonderful.

The children will also gravitate to those family members who provided them with good company, a happy environment and love. Whingers who are forever moaning about how unfair it all is will later find visits more sparse and conducted out of a sense of duty, with a sigh of relief being heaved once that's discharged for the next few months.

You reap what you sow. It's great that your in-laws had sufficient common sense to learn that lesson, as it's one a good many people struggle with.

I note in the OP you are very careful to refer to your best friend as they. Is your friend a man by any chance?

If so I would suspect that your DH family think he is an ex, and I can see why they would think it's weird that your DD is close to them or may be confused.

It's still none of their business though, these are people that you are close to and you have every right to keep them in your life. I think it needs to be your DH that speaks to them about it though, so I would be making sure he understands your found family's place in your life first.

Bear in mind, your in-laws aren't your blood either.

Think of what would happen if you split up with your DH, who would still be there for you?

They dont have to understand, it's not their business.

Love the idea of a found family. Not as close as you but my mum's best friend's mum lived round the corner from us. I called her Nan-Nan and we used to wave to her when we passed her house on the way to school. I also have a grandad who is actually dh's grandad but has been my grandad too since I was a teenager. I think your in-laws are being incredibly rude. And your dd is very unlikely to get confused as children just accept things much more easily than adults. When my 4th child was born with disabilities, I was worried, some family members were downright rude and my older dc just accepted him for who he was. My youngest has a friend who can't walk and makes noises instead of using words but ds doesn't care, he loves him as he is.

Your baby's nana and papa are basically your adoptive parents it was just never formalised as such because you were on the cusp of adulthood when your mum died.

But that is not what happened. There was never any question of adoption, this was not a fostering situation where the OP grew up in that family, and altering reality to make the titles fit is not necessary - this couple stepped in and helped the OP greatly as a young adult.

I still think it can cause confusion to let a child think that someone is their grandmother or father or siblings when this is not the case. The couple will have other grandchildren - will these be called cousins? Will their parents (apart from the OP's friend) be on board with that? Will the "cousins" be on board? All this can be managed by making clear to the OP's child that Nana is not her grandmother, but then why not start out calling her "Susan" or "Godmother"?

Admittedly I am coming at this from the angle of having seen friends lose "siblings" who were never actual siblings and stepfathers they were encouraged to call fathers, which doesn't apply in this case. But I do think there is something to be said for describing relationships accurately.

I have to say I welled up a bit reading your post.

As your child grows you can explain about your situation and how your found family is family. It’s not confusing and your child will accept it and understand it.

Your in-laws need to work on themselves and your DH needs to have your back.

I would shut the conversation down from the ILs.

My adult children have two grannies, neither are "blood" - one is a step, one is "found". both amazing and lovely people who have full filled the granny role beautifully. One now has dementia, sadly, so also teaching my children about the sadder side of family life.

They also had two grandads, both blood.

There has never been any confusion at all. I don't think my children have ever differentiated between blood and found, or care- I have uncle and aunt sets where one is blood and one not, obviously and I know which is which, but who cares, they have all been my uncles and aunts all my life, and I have not found it confusing in the slightest!

It's essentially none of their business is it?

It's not a confusing concept. Your parents died and these people fulfilled a parental role in your life. If you grow up with this concept then it's really not confusing. My mum is adopted and I never found this concept difficult and I had an aunt who was not my biological/related through adoption aunt, again not confusing. It's only if your are taught family as a very rigid concept that you might find it confusing