Honest question: why do people let their children cry next to shared walls?

[Sbishka]

I'm sitting here trying to work. Our neighbours have a small kid who cries a lot. Multiple times a day. He's a kid, he's going through a phase, I get it, I've had them. His room is right next to my office.

Of course I understand if you live in a terrace and every room shares a wall with neighbours. But, that's not the case here. We are in a semi. I know the layout of their house because it's the mirror opposite of mine.

I am just asking, what do you think is going through their heads? Because they know we can hear him. What's stopping them from being aware and maybe shifting bedrooms around so he can cry next to an outside wall? He isn't being neglected but he is left to cry it out, daily.

Has anyone ever had a neighbour approach them about this, and do you have any advice for a nice way to do it? I remember those days as being god-awful sometimes and I don't want to upset them, but you can't sugar-coat it: this is a selfish way to do things when sharing space in close proximity.

they absolutely could be settling him elsewhere or just, you know, dealing with it.

Eldest needed to be left to calm down and it was very upsetting as parents but it's what worked for her. MIL never listen would hoover and try and smooth and it just made it worse every time and she remark on that and then do it again as DH wasn't like that and her mates kids hadn't been. Eldest is ND and has excessive sensitivities to sound and touch which may have played a role.

I don't get why parents leave their kids to cry either. Sure the occasional tantrum means they are going to cry regardless but sometimes you can tell the parents is just totally ignoring it and doing not much to try to stop it.

At 3 or 4 they can also cry for the simple reason that they haven't gotten their way. Giving in to that crying or appeasing it with lots of attention isn't good parenting either.

Most parents want nothing more than the best for their children, it's very uncharitable to assume they're just leaving an upset 3yo to self soothe. Perhaps give them the credit of assuming they're either comforting and it's not working or they're sitting calmly at a sight distance for a reason.

3 and 4 yos cry. Some more than others. Even if they have loving parents.

Move your office. Hth.

Unless the wall is actually a window you have no way of knowing that. You'll hear a crying child through the wall but probably not a soothing parent.

Oh dear OP. It sounds as though the infant is very challenging.

Under no circumstances do you complain if you want any good neighbourly relations.

Decades ago when I lived in a flat, the single lady in her 50s who lived two floors above me came and complained that when I came in after a night out (probably between 11am and 2am). She heard my car pull into the little car park at the front and heard me open my door. I am afraid I gently suggested if such normal noises of living disturbed her she might consider moving to her back bedroom overlooking the communal gardens. She was not amused and neither was I.

It never fails to amaze me why those who require total tranquility feel the need to live in a block of flats in zone 2 London!

Tell us you know nothing about neurodiverse children without telling us you know nothing about neurodiverse children.

Obviously neurodiverse children are not a homogenous mass, but you (as an outside observer who doesn’t know the child) have absolutely no idea whether a parent is just ignoring their child or is actually managing the situation in the way that will get the child back to an even keel most effectively.

Even if there is no neurodiversity, some children do just need the time and space to calm down - a parent cuddling them or talking to them or even sitting watching them may prolong or worsen the situation.

Unless it’s your child, you simply wouldn’t know though. Bit people love to sit in judgment despite that.

OK here's the thing. If you have four bedrooms, ie one for the parents and one for each child, would you put the child who needed the most time out, the most care managing their emotions and reactions - neurodiverse or not - in the one bedroom that's next to the neighbours' wall? If you didn't have to.

I simply would not do this. I'm agog actually. As some of you have said, we all have to live together, and we all make noise. But I would not do that. Out of sensible consideration.

(and YES I am going to move my office because I am able to. But do I think I should have to? Not really, if I'm honest. I wouldn't play my favourite loud guitar music next to this wall, I wouldn't just stick a film on and turn the volume up and call it normal family noise. Because I have another room I can do that in!)

You can't always stop a toddler or young child crying. Especially if they might have special needs. Picking mine up would often lead to having my face scratched. It's very hard.
My old neighbours complained. But they had three adults in the house and one easy child.

A tantrumming preschooler IS normal
family noise. Ask your local council noise team if you need clarification.

It sounds like you need to live in a detached house if you can’t just accept this kind of noise. No parent wants to listen to their screaming, tantrumming child either.

You've said there's two older children. Most people don't move their older children to a different room when a new baby is born if they can help it.

You've also implied that the older children are well behaved, which indicates they're good parents and suggests there's issues with the youngest, whether just that he's more difficult to manage or there's some sort of neuro diversity. At 3yo they likely don't know which themselves.

How do you know they don't have to. The child may become extremely distressed by change. The other dc may have their rooms as they like them with chosen colours, etc. The parents might not be able to afford to change it all round.

You can't change what other people do, you can only change what you do.

OK here's the thing. If you have four bedrooms, ie one for the parents and one for each child, would you put the child who needed the most time out, the most care managing their emotions and reactions - neurodiverse or not - in the one bedroom that's next to the neighbours' wall? If you didn't have to.

I didn't and they could still be heard. I have absolutely no idea what constraints they are working with or why they have laid their house out like this. I've no idea why you chose to stick your office next to a child next door bedroom when you apparently had a choice either - I expect you had a good reason at the time.

I get this is upsetting you - I expect unless parents are complete bastards it's upsetting them as well - I'd try and focus on positives - you can move your office - work elsewhere not in a residential home or buy some noise cancelling headphones - basically while it's annoying you can get away from the situation.

Believe me, no one in the whole population wants to be living alongside a child whos parents have given in to his tantrums to appease the woman next door - so no, I would not be neutral, true, I would be very much team parents! That kid is the future of our society - do not raise them to think tantrums will be given in to please! We will all be picking up the pieces. Thank you

I don't understand why any parent ever leaves their baby/child crying.

Agree with this. I don't know how they can listen to it & not comfort him?

Who said anything about giving into his tantrums (if that's even what it is)? Not me.

Houses are built with ridiculously thin walls these days and it's unreasonable and un realistic to expect people to tell a child to "cry elsewhere"!!! You really need your get a detached house!

@Sbishka

I'm not buying you mid thread change of tact.

if it was intended as a stealth boast thread you kind of missed the mark!

otherwise, why post? Just use one of your many other rooms to work, hardly required a genius to solve the 'problem' of a small child, behaving like...a small child.

Baffling! No change of tack. I genuinely wanted to know why people don't think about putting the noisiest person in the room next to their neighbours if they don't have to, and I know now: mostly, a few circumstances aside, they don't really give a shit! Does not apply if all your rooms are next to neighbours' of course.

Because people aren't as perfect as you

Don't be touchy @underthemilky

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I don't think babies/young children should be left to cry endlessly. You are obviously entitled to a different opinion.

sounds really really annoying. Are you able to soundproof that wall relatively cheaply somehow?

Well, I mean why would you choose the room right next to other people to use for working in if you need quiet? Presumably because it suited you to.

I've been here for 15 years, this is a recent problem. Like I said, normal neighbour noises don't really cause any problems, they're there and it's part of living with people. This kid is on another level right now.
PS Hi, I was just thinking of Soupy the Bat the other day (you won't remember me but those were the days etc)

You'd probably get more sympathy if you said you were a paramedic or nurse trying to get some sleep after a night shift, OP.

Wear headphones?