Honest question: why do people let their children cry next to shared walls?

[Sbishka]

I'm sitting here trying to work. Our neighbours have a small kid who cries a lot. Multiple times a day. He's a kid, he's going through a phase, I get it, I've had them. His room is right next to my office.

Of course I understand if you live in a terrace and every room shares a wall with neighbours. But, that's not the case here. We are in a semi. I know the layout of their house because it's the mirror opposite of mine.

I am just asking, what do you think is going through their heads? Because they know we can hear him. What's stopping them from being aware and maybe shifting bedrooms around so he can cry next to an outside wall? He isn't being neglected but he is left to cry it out, daily.

Has anyone ever had a neighbour approach them about this, and do you have any advice for a nice way to do it? I remember those days as being god-awful sometimes and I don't want to upset them, but you can't sugar-coat it: this is a selfish way to do things when sharing space in close proximity.

Poor DD had her neighbour complain when DGD was younger. DGD had colic/ severe constipation and still suffers 10 years later. (Under consultant). It totally devastated my DD and didn’t help in a stressful situation. Yes, the walls were paper thin but DGD was in a bedroom with a hallway between her and neighbour. Sometimes it just can’t be helped.

Go to them. Cuddle them Talk to them.

Be a decent parent.

I never had a child that cried a lot. Was at my friend’s house over a weekend and the child would cry when she didn’t get her way sooo much. If she’d pandered to her it would have been worse, the child would come and say sorry mammy and move on. (Then be back crying an hour later). I was exhausted by the end and had huge respect for how my friend parents!

Clearly you’ve never encountered a (small) child who needs to be given time and space to get over stuff before they are ready to cuddle or talk.

It’s easy to assume that you know better than the parents. But often you simply do not.

I’m pretty sure it’s not on purpose! It’s pretty hard to stop a child crying. Also not at the top of your list to move tantruming child to some random room (bathroom?) just in case the neighbour can hear.

It doesn’t sound like this is a newborn.

The term ‘cry it out’ may actually be leaving a preschooler to have a tantrum in a safe space. Especially when the OP uses phrases like ‘he’s just a kid’ - probably not a tiny baby.

Both my bedroom and my child’s bedroom is next to party wall. So is living room downstairs. When he’s having a meltdown there really isn’t much we can do! Obviously we try and comfort him but it won’t stop him for getting it out of his system. As a baby we never left him to cry. But when a baby has colic you can be rocking them for hours and it won’t stop!

Cry it out made me think baby or young toddler. If the child can leave the room and find the parent then I wouldn't call that cry it out.

the OP said “Our neighbours have a small kid who cries a lot. Multiple times a day. He's a kid, he's going through a phase, I get it, I've had them. His room is right next to my office.”

None of that sounds like a tiny baby.

What - ever? Really? You can't think of a single reason a parent might leave a child to cry? I'll give you one to start you off, then maybe have a think. When you have a baby and they're safe in their cot, but you also have a toddler who has just fallen over and there's blood everywhere.

Clearly never had a newborn with colic

Yes I have.

When you have a baby and they're safe in their cot, but you also have a toddler who has just fallen over and there's blood everywhere

Given how frequently the neighbours' child is crying, I doubt that's the reason.

I was responding to your own comment about not being able to understand why anyone would ever leave a baby to cry. I was giving you an example, there are obvo many many others, to help you 'understand.'

Currently taking some respite from rocking my (at a guess) constipated 16 week old with recently diagnosed CMPA and reflux. Swapped with DH. He's been full scale screaming for over an hour. He hasn't been put down once. We've rocked, cuddled, fed, sang to. The fact the child cries does not mean it's left to cry. Thank god we have a neighbour with a colicky baby adjoined instead of someone judgy like you! I can assure you I'm in tears myself from listening to my poor baby cry and nothing I can do to soothe him!

If it was for long periods at night I'd move to the furthest parts of the house but I wouldn't expect anyone to bother doing that during the day. It's normal household noise.

Because sometimes when a parent is at the end of their tether it is better to put them somewhere safe and take a breather.
Because some babies cry more than others and no amount of pacifying stops them crying.
Because people aren't as perfect as you.

But then 'cry it out' sounds like either a baby or young toddler in a cot, or else a child locked in their room. Cry it out means they cry until they realise no-one is coming and eventually fall asleep.

Presumably if there is a suitable bedroom for a small child by an outside wall, there is also a suitable room for a home office in yours. Moving to that is probably the best option here

Small children cry, that's just part of it. YWBU to complain about normal household noise from a neighbour.

Move your office

This is the problem with the increase in WFH. Houses are homes, not quiet workspaces.

Our old house was semi detached the room on the adjoining wall were the lounge, dining room and the two largest bedrooms
On the external wall were the stairs, bathroom, kitchen and box room used by partner as an office. Aside from hiding in the kitchen or dining room there wasn't a lot I could do to avoid being in an adjoining room. My daughter cried for 16-20h hours a day and was in my arms permanently she couldn't be put down at all due to reflux and food allergies that the GP was useless about so she didn't get appropriate treatment until she was 18 weeks. Thankfully for us our adjoining neighbour had a baby just a few months older than ours and had a lively 5 year old so were understanding. We moved when our daughter was 2 and a detached property was a must and the noise was the main factor. I found it incredibly stressful to have my daughter crying and feeling like I was disturbing our neighbours.

I can move my office. I will need to. I actually was finding it upsetting because the child is - I think - being left to self-soothe a few times a day and perhaps, on reflection, that's what I can't cope with.

He's 3 or 4, not a little baby. I'm really sorry for those of you with colicky babes. The difference here is that the parents aren't at that phase of parenting where people go 'oh well, babies cry, we all go through it' - they absolutely could be settling him elsewhere or just, you know, dealing with it. People who've had babies often sympathise enormously with the baby phase (some nice examples on this thread) because there's only ever a few things you can do and we all know that sometimes all you can do is hold them.

As much as you say 'sort yourself out and move your office' (and I will) I would like people to know that if it sounds like you're leaving your older toddler to get on with being upset several times a day for a few months and you're doing that right next to where your neighbours live, they are likely not feeling neutral about any of that. That's just a fact.

I'm with camp why would you leave your kids to cry. Breaks my heart tbh. Perhaps as a one off in a desperate situation but every day- no.

Also just want to add that it's specifically very upset child's crying, not the normal noises kids make. They have two older kids who run around and play and all of that is very normal! I can't be the only one who gets upset by the cry of a child who's been left to get on with soothing himself?

He's 3 or 4, not a little baby. I'm really sorry for those of you with colicky babes. The difference here is that the parents aren't at that phase of parenting where people go 'oh well, babies cry, we all go through it' - they absolutely could be settling him elsewhere or just, you know, dealing with it.

You are wrong here.

Some 3 year olds need to be left to self soothe when they are in a tantrum (or meltdown). Intervening will make it worse for some children.

Letting the child get over it in his room - where he is safe - may well be the most appropriate thing.

You don’t have to work in that room if you object to it.