Asking grandparents not to smoke

[Molly211]

Hello, I’m looking for some opinions on whether I’m being overly precious about smoke.

I have a newborn and I’ve asked a grandparent if they could please not smoke on the day they come to visit the baby. Baby is premature and I’d rather not risk any passive smoke.

Grandparent has decided they’d rather not see the baby under those circumstances.

Am I being too strict on this? Should I, for example, allow them to just wash their hands upon arrival and not smoke for the duration of their visit?

Thank you.

I’m going to ask them to change clothes and wash hands. I don’t think I can ask more than that but wish I could. Feel your pain.

YANBU

I wouldn't trust them to not smoke before seeing baby. Washing hands will have little effect.
Your baby is tiny and vulnerable.

I get hugely affected by second hand smoke.

A guy brought a board game once from a smokers house to ours, and I couldn't stop coughing.

Your baby, your rules. You must do whatever you feel is best for your baby. But please be mindful that your grandparents are addicted to cigarettes so they can’t just ‘choose’ not to smoke on that day. If it were that easy I’m sure they’d have quit a long time ago.

Yeah, I appreciate they’re addicted. They did previously quit so this wasn’t an issue with older child - and I’m happy for the washing hands rule with a toddler who has a bit better developed immune system - but just not a week old baby. It’s really hard because I don’t want to fall out over it.

Thanks. I might have to give in and use this option. But I really want to do my best for baby who has had some trouble thriving. I know if I don’t give in, it will cause a lot of hassle.

Also wondered about offering to buy a disposable vape (grandparent previously used these for a few years when quitting smoking before) but I think we’re past that stage now.

I wouldn't trust them to not smoke before seeing baby.

But they've said they'd rather not see the baby under those conditions. If they were going to lie about it, they'd have 'agreed' not to smoke.

Could you meet them in the park or a garden? I utterly loathe smoking but am not sure how damaging it could be if baby saw/was held briefly outside by a smoker? The smell is ingrained in smokers and their clothes… would not smoking on the day make such a difference?

Thanks, this might be an option. They were going to come round for Easter (live 35 miles away) and possibly stay overnight, but perhaps this is a good compromise.

Although I suspect grandparent will not bother making the journey for ‘park meet’ only, I can try!

Also sorry think I wasn’t clear - it’s baby’s grandparent, my parent.

My DS developed asthma from around 8 months old, being around cigarette smoke make it far worse. I asked my parents to smoke outside, which they were happy with. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to ask them to do the same in your circumstances. I wouldn’t even want them vaping in my house.

They have an addiction so what you are asking them to do isn’t possible for them so in that respect YABU.

Once I had children I asked my mother (a smoker) not to smoke around them, she had to smoke in the garden during visits not in the house, even in winter.

But it never occurred to me to expect her not to smoke all day, that’s unrealistic and over the top in my opinion if you want to maintain a good relationship with a smoker.

I think it depends.

My dad was terminally ill, and there were smokers (smoking inside) his home. I took my baby to see him 2-3 times, for an hour each time, before he died.

Under usual circumstances, I would have insisted on washing hands and changing clothes and where possible meeting outside (or second to that, an inside place with no smoke, definitely wouldn't have gone to his).

I would say that denying a relationship with a grandparent because of this seems OTT, but if they're the type of grandparent that won't agree to your (pretty reasonable) terms then I doubt they will be much use or support anyway!

You've mentioned your baby is prem, which further skews the scale against seeing them.

You’re right, and I need to understand the addiction. It’s frustrating because grandparent previously quit and used vapes successfully for years then relapsed. I think I’m stuck in the mindset of ‘well you’ve done it once, you can do it again.’ I know it’s not that easy really - in fact I smoked for about 4 years myself.

I totally get your frustration as felt it towards my mother. But good family relationships are very important so a compromise is the way forward

Thank you, I agree - denying a relationship is OTT. We’ll have to compromise somehow. Sorry for your loss - I bet it was really tough having a terminally ill parent and a baby at the same time.

There is good evidence that babies are impacted by the breath of smokers so I personally really don't think YABU particularly with a preemie. I would allow outdoor meet ups provided they washed their hands and changed their clothes after their last cigarette. I would not allow indoor meetups personally. I appreciate smoking is an addiction but the wellbeing of a fragile newborn trumps an adult's addiction in my book.

I think the main risk would be from clothes, so just ask them for the time being to put a new jumper on before holding the baby and perhaps keep holding the baby brief. I used to smoke and it isn't easy to quit so what you've asked is a tough for them. I think asking them not to smoke for an hour before is fair though.

I don't think your request was unreasonable, it's a premature baby. If the smoker has decided they would rather not see baby then that is their decision.

I actually can't imagine caring about a cigarette or anything more than a newborn family members health but I guess that's addiction for you.

Just tell them that's a shame and you'll meet later on when baby is a bit older, if they can't not smoke for a few hours.

Absolutely stand your ground. Your baby is your priority

I would never allow smoking or vaping in my house and I wouldn't care what anyone else thought about it. Also your baby has "had some trouble thriving". How selfish can they get?