Asking grandparents not to smoke

[Molly211]

Hello, I’m looking for some opinions on whether I’m being overly precious about smoke.

I have a newborn and I’ve asked a grandparent if they could please not smoke on the day they come to visit the baby. Baby is premature and I’d rather not risk any passive smoke.

Grandparent has decided they’d rather not see the baby under those circumstances.

Am I being too strict on this? Should I, for example, allow them to just wash their hands upon arrival and not smoke for the duration of their visit?

Thank you.

I’m not sure - this might be a good compromise though. I think the issue has gone away for the time being as the visit has been cancelled for unrelated reasons (other grandparent very poorly).

OP says the 'other' grandparent is ill. In any case, smokers can get all kinds of illnesses, just like the rest of the population. Hope they are better soon, OP.

I don’t think you can dictate what they do elsewhere but you can ban smoking in your house and tell them that if they go outside for a smoke they can’t come back in.

YANBU.

I think delaying their visit until your baby is a few months old and bigger and stronger is another option. Although I think you're completely reasonable to just say ok then you can't see baby and wait for them to come back to you if they're ready to follow your rules.

A newborn really needs its parents to advocate for it even, and perhaps especially, when protecting its interests inconveniences other people.

I think YABU. Denying your child seeing its grandparent because of overly strict rules is a poor way to start its life. I’d relax a little

Unfortunately your baby is at increased risk of SIDS due to their prematurity, and passive smoke exposure is just about the biggest modifiable risk factor there is. There is also the risk of other airway conditions (bronchiolitis etc) which would be increased by this exposure and can have serious long term effects for premature babies.

If it were my baby I wouldn't allow them to hold the baby. I might say we can meet outside if you don't smoke and are wearing clean (smoke free) clothes. I would rethink around 6 months whether I could be more flexible around this as the risks to baby would be less by then, better yet over 12 months.

However, at any age I would not take my child into a smokers house nor would I allow somebody to smoke in my house or handle my baby/child after smoking or wearing smoky clothes. Your nose is a good guide - it you can smell smoke that indicates toxic particles are floating around in significant quantities.

I might be stricter than most but it really is your prerogative to do what you feel is necessary to protect your baby. Whilst you might be sympathetic to their addiction, it's not your problem to accommodate it.

I would delay the visit until the baby is older. You're not denying a relationship with the grandparents, you're just delaying it. If they are smokers then you'll be setting up boundaries between your children and them anyway.

And I agree, I would wait the SIDS risk is reduced.

I'm a smoker with my first grandchild due. Have discussed this with DS and DIL. I can go without from having bath and hair wash, 1.5 hour drive and maybe 3 hrs with them. If I then choose to go outside for a smoke, I'll change all my clothes, clean my teeth but not hold baby again that visit.

Isn't it awful when people prioritise their cigarettes/addictions over their own family/descendants' health.

I'm so sorry OP 😞

I think YABU. If they are prepared to go outside to smoke and they will clean their teeth, wash their hands and change their clothes every time they smoke, then surely they are making enough effort .

If you look at the figures, in 1980 infant mortality was around 12 per1000 and now under 4 per 1000. The percentage of smokers has gone down from around 40% of adults to only 13%. This surely shows that smoking has an effect on babies.

YANBU
DF has smoked for 60 years, 20 a day or more. We asked him to shower etc then not smoke until he held DD when she was a newborn because of 2nd/3rd hand smoke. So he did. If he can manage it anyone can.
He will only smoke outside when he sees her now (she's 6) and understands how we feel, even tho he smoked like chimneys around me and DB when we were growing up.
There's just not excuse to smoke around kids, especially newborns. Not worth the risk. I'm presuming they can read and are aware of the risks?
I'm also an ex smoker btw so I don't give a toss if someone smokes, that's their choice, the kids aren't choosing to tho are they.

Thanks everyone. It’s interesting to see such a spread of opinions.

I am struggling with the sleep deprivation which I know is making my mood low so I’m finding it really upsetting that they won’t stop smoking even for a visit, and worried it will completely rupture our relationship if I don’t ’give in’. But also worried I’m being unnecessarily cautious (I know both grandparents will think this) and causing upset over nothing, and sticking to my guns just out of stubbornness.

I should have said, “if you asked them to go outside to smoke etc and they agreed etc”. I just think the grandparent should be given the chance to agree to do this before they are uninvited.

So we’ve had a chat and they’re happy to wait to meet baby - they’re annoyed with themselves but don’t think they can go a full day without smoking (and as it’s quite a drive they would need to stay a few hours) so they’re going to hold off visiting until baby a bit older.

I will suggest not smoking during a day visit (I previously suggested vapes as an alternative) as a possible compromise in a couple of weeks, but whilst baby still so new and premie, I think this is safest for now.

I’m just happy we haven’t fallen out over it. And other grandparent can come whenever once they are better.

I think they would do this if just for a couple of hours - but we’ve agreed they’ll wait and other grandparent will come and stay over to help out alone this time.

YANBU. Stick to what is best for your baby @Molly211 . Congratulations 💐

You are being ridiculous. You can expect them not to smoke immediately before holding the baby, have washed hands and be wearing a different top, but expecting a smoker not to smoke all day before seeing you is unnecessary and OTT.

Love from a grandparent is priceless, even if they do smoke.