To wish I never did NCT

[Stillhoping1990]

Need to vent and also see if anyone has found themselves in a similar situation.
Ive found my NCT group to have been more of a hindrance than a help. Everything is going great with my baby twins - then I speak to NCT mums who give unsolicited advice and I panic that I’ve done everything wrong.
The mums are constantly sending detailed messages in the WhatsApp group about their bedtime routines, feeding, ‘wake windows’ you name it - and tbh I found it quite tedious and I don’t know how they have time for this!
There is one mum in particular who sends pictures and videos of her baby every day in the group! Sometimes multiple pictures and talks about him non stop. It’s so annoying. I don’t care/want to see pictures of their babies when I have my own to be thinking of. I send pictures of my babies but only to family and friends who ask. It’s all very ‘show off ish’. Feeling like NCT has ruined my experience because they are so annoying. I can’t leave the group because I bump into them all the time in baby classes etc.

I have four month old twins and these are my first children. The fact I was having twins was the reason I decided not to do NCT. I did some online classes to learn the basics but I didn't want to be part of a group where I knew my experience would be so different to theirs. I knew hearing stories of singletons and how they were getting on could be quite disheartening as it is so different with two babies, and obviously busier and more challenging. I didn't want to compare my experience as there really is no comparison. I also didn't want to potentially feel jealous of how much easier and others had it and what I was missing out on.

I joined a local twin group instead and that's great. People who get it and can relate to what you're dealing with, and no upmanship whatsoever. It's also refreshing talking to people about the joys of having twins as most people assume my life must be hell and all I hear is 'double trouble'. The reality is having twins is the best thing ever and I couldn't imagine ever having just one child. It's definitely double the smiles and double the fun... but some days are still very challenging and draining.

This is only the start! There will be a dance school group, PTFA group, Brownie/Guide parent group etc etc ....
I mute them all and look at them if and when I want to!

You were smart!

Just mute the group.

If it is causing you stress then the best thing to do is just ignore and move on with your day.

You need to get a tougher shell.

Who gives a fuck which babies rolled over first, got their first tooth first, all that shit? They all develop at their own rate, and while of course some will have some sort of issue to be resolved, it's really no business of anyone elses.

I have twins too, although mine at 15 now so I'm well past the NCT stage! They hit all their milestones when they should have done - apart from speech, they needed a lot of speech therapy. I agree with others it is much easier to talk to other twin mums than singleton mums when they're little - I guarantee it, at least one of them will be in tears every day because they won't put their baby down as she cries, whereas you have just got to get on with it a let one of yours cry while you sort out the poonami of the other child.

It is what is is. But just try and ignore, and if can't, then mute the group.

When your children are older they may end up at school together, so the bumping into will continue. Keep up enough of a pretence of friendship that you can you pick it up in future if your dc end up being friends. They do t have to be your tribe but I wouldn’t drop them completely. Also in time they will probably have second babies and you will have more in common.

NCT groups can be like little cults IMO. Some yes can be successful however being forced into friendship just cos you all have babies in the same period of time is just a weird basis of friendship. Too many cooks and all that having their opinions and what they think is best way is not healthy for a lot of mums.
Just best to go to baby groups and you’ll find mums who are more on your page!

It sounds like you got a bad group. Mine weren’t like this at all. It really is luck of the draw. I agree about muting it and keep getting out and about, meeting other people. You’ll find your tribe. NCT groups often tail off anyway.

Omg I’d definitely mute it, if not leave. Especially before the babies all get to weaning age. The BLW brigade are ruthless and will just stress you out even more.

That’s why I didn’t do NCT and I avoid baby groups like the plague, the constant comparisons and “chipping in” on what you should be doing is just exhausting and simply tedious. Mute the group and maintain superficial contact only when you meet them, life is too short, seriously.

Whats NCT.

That only happens if you Letitia, no matter what people post about themselves or their children is fine

I do what works for me and each parent or child is different nothing works the same for everyone

This idea that nothing can happen because people use 'anxiety' etc. is not the answer, people engaging their brain is

Personally I don't post anything on social media other than what I mention on here but others do and I am fine with that

I didn’t like my nct group either. I wish I hadn’t wasted all that cash on it.

I would leave the group if I was you. You are going to eventually anyway.

This. If you've got a local twin group then other twin mums are great.

It just sounds like it isn't for you. Why join a parents group if you dislike them sharing stuff about their parenting day to day stuff?

Id find it annoying too but I am self aware enough to know what to expect from a parenting group, so I wouldn't have joined.

Mute it, join a twin club. Hardly any posts because everyone is really busy and tired.

😂so true.

Also I've not experienced any of that competitiveness or superiority with twin mums. Everyone is just glad to survive, and no one has time to judge others for how they feed their babies, what routines they have etc.

Are you uk based, I thought ever knew nct 🤣
National Childbirth Trust. They run antenatal courses, which are quite expensive. It’s like a middle class dating service to link parents who are pregnant at the same time together. Some gel and are friends for life but my group was quite competitive and drifted apart once maternity leave was over.

You can leave the group & you should if it's making you unhappy. You need to make a point of prioritising yourself or if it's too confrontational then switch the notifications off

I was going to be sympathetic and say "you have twins, they don't, it's an entirely different experience so don't feel judged" but you just sound like you don't like them. Ugh why do they keep talking about their children and sending me pictures!!

Haha so true even at four

It's not a parenting group. It sounds awful

I had similar feelings with my NCT group as my experience was totally different from them. I had a premature baby with lots of issues and they all had it “easy” (in my eyes) and it annoyed me great deal as they were all out and about, having meet ups and coffees and me being stuck at home. In addition, they all could breastfeed their babies and I could not so I felt down and very anxious everytime I looked at the chat. I put it on mute for a while but as our babies have grown, I started to join the meet ups and slowly got into it. I got along really well with two moms out of 8 but now everyone from the group moved away and we rarely chat on WhatsApp, let alone meet.

I’d say put it on mute, say hello to them once out and about on baby groups and keep to your own routine etc. You have enough on your plate already!

One of the babies in my NCT required numerous serious operations/ procedures in the first year of its life. (It is now about 7 and absolutely fine as far as I can tell from social media ).

While I had the utmost sympathy for the parents, it is only with hindsight that I realised how hard hearing all the updates about this baby (at one point the parents where told to prepare for the worst) were when I myself was in a vulnerable position as a first time mum (I had also suffered an awful pregnancy with mental health issues).

Also no one else felt they could say anything about finding new motherhood hard within the group because it would have felt so insensitive to complain about feeding / sleep etc when this poor mum was going through the most awful time.

I never formed a friendship with any of the group despite my best efforts, so a year after I last saw them I left the WhatsApp group. I have enough WhatsApp groups to keep up with where I am actually friends with the people!

I’m still connected to the mum of the poorly baby on Facebook & pleased to report the child seems fine now.

Tough one as obviously she needed support, but it definitely changed the dynamics of the group.

I joined a group for my first and I was so so the outsider so joined for one or two post birth meet ups. I soon realised apart from being very lucky to have had a baby at roughly the same time- we had zero in common.
I bumped into them all in the park after I had had my second and was then separated and gave a wave after a few recognised me.
I'm really happy they all found a group that suits them but it's not for everyone so don't worry if you feel the same way.