Fall out over kids at wedding

[Cluelessfirstimer]

Fqll OUT OBVIOUSLY. Cant change title....
This is all so ridiculous and maybe I need a bit of a slap/sense check (hence why I'm here ...!)

So I'm supposed to be a brides maid at my good friend's wedding in June. Have just had the invite a few days ago (save the date sent last year) and it says no children.

While I wasn't happy about this I was on the fence about going. Messaged my friend to check details and she said " well, no children except my two.."

Now i GET she can't very well fuck her kids off out of her wedding but I was pretty annoyed. They are similar age to my DS.

I messaged and said I might not be able to make it. It's abroad needs a full week or at least 4 days away from DS who is nearly two. I won't enjoy myself because I have never spent a single night away from him and don't really want to either...

My mum would probably have DS but that's not the point.

I've relayed this to her today and she's gone ape shit. Told me I'm ridiculous and it's only a few nights.

I feel bad but I don't want to spend that long away from DS. Personal choice.

Am I being ridiculous...?!
Shes not talking to me now (so high school. We are in our 30s for god sake)
How do I salvage our friendship.
Do I just go? I really don't want to without DS. Don't really want to lose a friend either.

I'm getting a wine....

She can have a child-free wedding if she wants, but then she can’t complain when people with children can’t make it. Especially an overseas wedding FFS. Not many parents would be happy going abroad for a week without their two year old.

No chance I’d be going. I think she should have told you this before or when she asked you. But then she sounds hugely unreasonable anyway.

She is NBU to have a child free wedding.
YA DEFINITELY NBU to decline the invite.

Although... Do you have a partner? Is it possible to go away with your DP and DC and then attend the wedding alone but enjoy the holiday together? Only if you want to though.

If she wants a child free wedding abroad then she has to accept some people won't attend. It's her look out.

She is being completely unreasonable to expect you to spend 4 days away from your 2yo.

If you wanted to, that would be fine. You don’t want to, and she must accept that.

Some friend. How disappointing for you OP. I’d be gutted.

Up to you if you go or not. But you can't compare having the bride's children there to allowing all kids there

She will have to learn that not all families will accept being arbitrarily separated to cater to her aesthetic 🤷🏻‍♀️

Want your guests to put themselves out to facilitate your special day? Treat them like valued guests, not inanimate chess pieces who can be shuffled around as it suits you. I despair of current wedding fashions. Invitations where different family members are invited to different parts of the day. Breastfed babies banned and tantrums thrown because mum won't go along with it. Ridiculous demanding dress codes and gift lists. No consideration, no hospitality and no class.

You shouldn't have messaged her to 'check details' because it's clear you were hoping that she'd just tell you to bring him. No kids means no kids.

At the same time, saying no kids means that some people may decline.

Both unreasonable really.

Just to clarify I totally get her kids being there.
I dont however get her going mental at me for then saying I don't think I can come without mine.

We've been talking about this wedding for months. She could have at any time before now told me this. I would have declined being her brides maid..

Part of me now just feels bad. But if I go ill have a totally shit time.

Partner could come and look after DS for the ceremony but it's in the middle of nowhere and a 4 hr transfer from the airport so DS will probably have a miserable time. And now I just dont even want to go with how angry she's being over this.

Absolutely unreasonable to ask a mother to leave her child in my opinion. In your shoes I wouldn't go.

Assuming she knows you have a kid then this should have been stated on asking you to be a bridesmaid. Bare minimum she should be apologising now and telling you no hard feelings if you can't make it.

Unfortunately sometimes Weddings are the time when you do lose a friend.

I don't think you're being unreasonable in refusing the invitation at all. She should have made it clear from the beginning that your DS was not invited.

As others have said, it's up your her if she wants children at her wedding but she being unreasonable if she then isn't happy when people no longer want to come.

She’s being ridiculous. If the friendship is over it’s because she’s a gutless, self-centred, overly dramatic pain in the arse. She could have told you at any point before announcing it in the invitation. Don’t apologise, don’t pander, ignore the tantrum. You can’t go, why on Earth would you waste precious time and money away from your son whose company you enjoy. I wouldn’t do it either.

Hi, OP. We've edited your thread title for you now.

Child-free is fine; that’s the bride and groom’s prerogative.

If people can’t/wont attend because of it, they have no right to say anything at all.

Ignore her, she’s batshit. Sounds like you’ve swerved a nightmare tbh.

If it was a local wedding it is up to her who she invites and if she doesn't count your children as her close friends then she doesn't have to invite them. If it is abroad then she should be making it as convenient as possible for her guests. She has already inconvenienced them massively by having it abroad. I would not be going. I would not be willing to leave my DC to go on holiday for a week abroad without them. Also I wouldn't be prepared to spend the money for a holiday abroad unless it included them as I would be using our holiday budget to go. You may be very well off and this may not be a consideration for you. For us, it would mean no family holiday that year.

You are NOT being ridiculous. She's being very dismissive and sneery.

No one should be forced into spending time away from their child when they don't want to, when it's the first time, when it's a new thing and more than a couple of hours, at someone else's demanding and when they are trying to bully you.

Destination weddings and those that cost thousands are so ridiculous. It's one fucking day. Or should be..

If you have a child-free wedding abroad, and you have kids yourself, surely you understand this may be very problematic for people with younger children!

Your friend is being seriously unreasonable to not mention this before now, and then fall out with you about it.

I don't know how you salvage a friendship with someone who is being so self-centred, you may be on the outs until she chills out.

Absolutely no way would I be happy being away from my dd for four days to attend a wedding. She's entitled to say no kids but you're entitled to decline because of it.
Im planning my wedding for next year and wouldn't dream of putting people out like this

Just wanted to add that we had a child free wedding but it was local and no night do, people could stay on of they wanted so list people with young DC left about 7pm.

It's a lot to expect people to go abroad as it is never mind without their kids.

She's crazy.

You were happy for your ds to do the 4 hour transfer when you thought he was invited to the wedding but now he’s not it’s too far and he won’t enjoy it?

Other than that yanbu - I am astonished this hasn’t come up before now given you are a bridesmaid.

On the basis that you’ve been talking about this wedding for ages, then I agree it’s a bombshell to mention now no children.