Fall out over kids at wedding

[Cluelessfirstimer]

Fqll OUT OBVIOUSLY. Cant change title....
This is all so ridiculous and maybe I need a bit of a slap/sense check (hence why I'm here ...!)

So I'm supposed to be a brides maid at my good friend's wedding in June. Have just had the invite a few days ago (save the date sent last year) and it says no children.

While I wasn't happy about this I was on the fence about going. Messaged my friend to check details and she said " well, no children except my two.."

Now i GET she can't very well fuck her kids off out of her wedding but I was pretty annoyed. They are similar age to my DS.

I messaged and said I might not be able to make it. It's abroad needs a full week or at least 4 days away from DS who is nearly two. I won't enjoy myself because I have never spent a single night away from him and don't really want to either...

My mum would probably have DS but that's not the point.

I've relayed this to her today and she's gone ape shit. Told me I'm ridiculous and it's only a few nights.

I feel bad but I don't want to spend that long away from DS. Personal choice.

Am I being ridiculous...?!
Shes not talking to me now (so high school. We are in our 30s for god sake)
How do I salvage our friendship.
Do I just go? I really don't want to without DS. Don't really want to lose a friend either.

I'm getting a wine....

Thanks all. This whole thing is such a shame she is such a good friend.

It would have been our yearly holiday too ( thankfully not yet booked because was waiting until my bonus this month!) But I'm glad I didnt now. Butlins it is.

I'm going to stick to my guns and if she can't understand it so be it.
I will only resent being there without DS and be miserable

Please read above! I never said I was annoyed at her own kids going.
Jeez

Because he will be in the middle of nowhere in a chalet for a whole day - probably two as she has something planned for another night - with DP with nothing to do.
At least at the wedding he would be involved and have something going on.

Oh the bride has joined us 👋

at Mississippi

She's not unreasonable to have a childfree wedding. But she is beyond unreasonable to get pissed off at someone not going abroad for multiple days without their child for her wedding.
Even leaving the children part out of it, asking people to take multiple days of annual leave and pay for flights etc is a big ask for a wedding. Totally fine to do it - but she needs to accept that her choices will mean some people cannot attend.

It's part of the deal of planning a child free wedding that you have to swallow it when parents can't come on that basis. She is being utterly ridiculous

Sorry but this is not your friend!

A true friend - and especially one who already has children herself -would no way expect you to leave a 2 year old for the best part of a week and would have drawn your attention to this as soon as she asked you to be a bridesmaid.

The deliberate lack of information before now just shows what a sneaky, self absorbed person she is.

Bin her off now! Have fun at home with your family and save hundreds in the process.👍

Oh, very well said. It’s a hill to die on. Honestly, how dare someone insist a parent leaves a 2 yr old for 4 days if you don’t want to? That’s a definite cross off the friend list.

I wouldn't have had an issue with leaving my nearly two year old for four days, I'd have been glad of the break frankly. However, I'm not into spending big to attend weddings abroad so the combination of the two...ie, expense and my kid not included would seem a cheeky ask to me.

I think some people become a bit deluded as to the importance of their wedding. It's all-consuming to them but they don't always see that it's much less of a deal to everyone else.

On top of that, I think getting your first home, having a baby, nailing that job you wanted or a whole lot of other happy events, are more cause for celebration than getting married. Chances are someone's saddling themselves to an arsehole. Sorry to be bleak.

Her wedding and she can have whatever rules she wants.

But guests can just refuse to go.

If I were you, I would decline.

Chances are someone's saddling themselves to an arsehole.

That describes a huge percentage of the Weddings I've attended

The bride is not unreasonable to have a childfree wedding. They cause frothing on Mumsnet, but in reality they are pretty common.

However, if that doesn’t suit you, then you are also not unreasonable to decline, and she is unreasonable to be annoyed about that.

Thank you for all your replies.
Bit the bullet and sent her a message...

I said she is entitled to have/not have anyone she wants at her wedding.
Whilst I really want to be part of her special day, I cannot possibly spend the time away from DS.
Money is also quite tight at the moment so I couldn't ask DP and DS to spend 2 days of our only family holiday alone in a chalet with nothing to do.
Said I am sorry, hope she has an amazing time and hopefully we can catch up soon.

I wanted to say I wish she had told me this before so I wouldn't have had to do this now but I left it out. Not worth it to go there.

No reply but immediately removed from the wedding group chat. Within seconds.

Will leave it there I think and if she wants im here to be her friend. If not... that's sad but I have to accept it.

That’s really sad OP. I don’t believe you are being unreasonable in the slightest. You are unfortunately unable/unwilling to leave your DC so you can’t go to the wedding. It’s her choice to throw a strop over it. If she’d wanted to save the friendship she could have simply said that she was disappointed but she understood (even if she doesn’t). It’s a shame she decided to go nuclear over it but you’re not being silly.

All of this. I’n a firm believer in do what you want for your wedding and don’t be offended by what other people choose to do or not do.

Child free wedding = accept some can’t make it. Overseas wedding = accept some can’t make it. Overseas, child free wedding? You’ve got no right to be irked at anyone not making it.

Surely you’ve already booked and paid for the flights and accommodation? If not, you’ve likely left it too late to get flights and the cost will be v v high!
also as a bridesmaid how has this never been mentioned??

It looks like the reason why you’re most pissed off and I would be too, is not mentioning other kids not coming until recently as then you’d have been able to decline. If that’s the case you’re right to be upset and just don’t be bridesmaid.

Just seen your latest post. What a f’ing bridezilla bitch she is. I’d struggle to get past this to be honest.

She has got her head up her bridal arse unfortunately.

She won't get it until she has her own baby or is toiling for free time or money.

Princess for a day. 🙄

If it wasn't abroad I'd go. But no way would I leave my 2 year old for that long to go to another country.

Absolutely unreasonable to have a destination wedding and expect you to leave your 2yo at home.

child free weddings are fine as long as it doesn’t make an unreasonable imposition on your must attend guests, like immediate family and members of the wedding party. Most couples will accept with grace that a cousin can’t make it to the wedding because of a child, but a sibling or a best friend is harder to accept. If their nearest and dearest have young children, planning a child free wedding may not work out so well.

No we had to wait until my bonus to book everything which we were going to do this month. Accepted it would cost more but couldn't afford it otherwise.

And that's my main point of upset. She didn't mention no children. Not once. I mayve should have asked yes. Granted. But she knows I havw a DS so I would have thought she would have told me.
Maybe that's on me.
Anyway. Its done.

It is. It's a shame she's being such a diva but like I say, some people get very puffed up about their weddings.

I know that brides and grooms should have the wedding of their choice but this need to have a child free wedding abroad really is OTT.

OP, just don't go. I expect others will feel the same.

She should have said it was going to be child-free a lot sooner. It's her own fault.