Grandmother hiding daughter’s birth defect

[FluentBear]

My eight month old daughter’s grandparents have been wonderful and absolutely dote on her, and they also frequently share pictures of her on social media to show her off to their friends. However, the other day I noticed something that upset me and I wanted some outside perspective.

My daughter was born with a very small extra finger on one hand — it will eventually be removed so there’s no risk of it tearing accidentally as she becomes more active but we’re still waiting on the doctor’s appointment. I noticed in a few pictures her grandmother has either cropped out her affected hand or in one case even edited out her extra finger. I’m not sure if it’s just because she doesn’t want to have a deeper conversation with random people on social media about the condition but it left a bad taste in my mouth because I think my daughter is perfect.

Am I wrong to feel upset about this? Should I bring it up?

Sadly people are cruel or ignorant or both and will write in social media what they wouldn't say out aloud.

So she's probably done it to avoid stupid and or nasty comments.

As the abnormality will be removed soon I wouldn't worry about it.

I am sure she also thinks your DD is perfect but just doesn't want to engage in any discussion about what is your DD's private medical information. I don't imagine there is any malice behind this.

I would have a gentle word. I wouldn't see it as private medical information, it is quite visible and i don't consider my own fingers medical information. Seems a shame that there is so much pressure to conform to one look that pictures of babies are edited. She is wonderful as she is.

As much as I understand why you are upset, I would see this as her protecting your DD’s privacy. Your DD is scheduled to have the finger removed, this is your DD’s private medical information. Your DD may not wish to share that with everyone once she is old enough to express an opinion. I think I would be reluctant to share images on social media that divulge a child’s private medical information.

I don't see a problem with asking her (without anger) why she's editing it out.

I doubt that is anything to do with shame, but I think you're still entitled to ask, and express that you find it disconcerting.

This is what I thought too.

You might not consider your fingers to be private medical information but maybe her DD will

Personally, I have a childhood surgical scar and I wouldn’t be happy if my parents or grandparents had publicly posted pictures where it is visible without my permission. I don’t wish to share my medical history with anybody and everybody.

My DD had a birth defect where two fingers were joined together (syndactyly). You couldn't easily see it in photos but I still didn't showcase it as people are cruel, or it makes them uncomfortable, or continually ask about it instead of other milestones.

The doctors wouldn't touch her until she was almost a year old due to anaesthetic risk being too high in infants.

In the end DD doesn't remember, except for a small scar. So I wouldn't worry too much about it.

As @Fitzbillie says, plus of course as YOU are the parent, it's not really her place to discuss your DD online in any capacity other than as adoring proud grandmother - and by doing as she has she's avoiding the inevitable awkward online questions, as @ApolloandDaphne says.

Send her a nice pic of her and dd. Crop dgm's head off..

I think that brings up the much wider question of childhood information and images on social media at all. When ds1 was born, we thought he had a birthmark on his face. He was perfect to us and it didn't matter. It turned out to be a bruise from the c section and went away, but I would never have edited pictures, or only shown the other side of his face. I will admit that I put pictures of my kids on facebook when they were younger. I have now decided that it should be up to them in future and they can't really consent so young. I haven't take down the baby pics though, and I probably should.

Absolutely this. When it’s been removed she may well not want anyone to know about it.

I would probably do this-she's leaving it up to you who you want to share this with.

Personally I wouldn't allow her to put any pictures of my child on social media for the world to see.

However if you are happy to allow her then you need to be aware that your daughter has the right not to be identifiable online from birth. Editing out her finger means she is just any other baby.

I'd be the same as her. Your daughter's condition isn't for the local gossips to discuss. "Have you seen Shirley's granddaughter has an extra finger!!"
My son has ddh and was treated recently with a pavlik harness. I didn't share any pics where it was noticeable

@amiold agree with this.

People can be cruel and huge gossips.

She probably has the best intentions and maybe from a generation where this was the done thing. But you have absolutely every right to feel upset about it, it's part of your daughter and it's a part of what makes her perfect.

Hey OP. Really sorry you’re going through this atm and it’s taking away fro ma special time. I actually think the grandma might be protecting your daughter from the cruelty of strangers, even if they’d never dare say a word and would perhaps gawp as it’s so unique. Which is obviously bad enough. I never understand this as anyone of us could have a child with a birth defect of course but that’s a separate conversation. I would give her the benefit of the doubt but by all means have a conversation with her about it. I’m with you: this is part of her story and who she is, even if it’ll be removed eventually. Parents of babies with cleft lips and palates feel the same way, I have heard. Enjoy your beautiful, perfect girl and congratulations.

I also agree that despite the best intentions of teaching your daughter to be proud of her story (also the approach I’d take as I’m sure we all would), the reality is that she MAY not want, say, a peer at school who may be the granddaughter of one of her granny’s FB friends or something knowing she had an extra finger. Sure, most of us would not share this info as we aren’t gossips, especially when it comes to someone’s body, but some people are. I wonder if the grandma is thinking about it this way…

This was my first thought as well. I'm not a big fan of putting kids pictures on social media as it is. They're there for life and it's not like the kid can consent to it.

This is something that your daughter may not want to have to deal with in the future OP, so grandparents are probably just being careful.

I think GM is sensible. Those pictures are out there forever. If DD will have the finger removed, does she want public old pictures of her showing it?

Personally I'd prefer the pictures weren't posted at all, but if you're going to do it, this seems sensible, although I'd probably chose pictures that don't show the hand rather than alter them.

I agree, she is protecting your daughters privacy. When your daughter is a teen, and the finger long gone, she may well feel sensitive about it. Or even that she wished it hadn't been removed. Either way - it is for your daughter to share or not share, not her grandmother

Honestly if she dotes on daughter I don't see the problem. She clearly loves and adores her, probably avoiding questions about a private medical issue you're getting sorted!

Be fair,@Scaffoldingisugly, you can't be sure it's the paternal grandmother.....

Dgm's is just grandma. I didn't specify which one... You however assumed I meant mil...