Grandmother hiding daughter’s birth defect

[FluentBear]

My eight month old daughter’s grandparents have been wonderful and absolutely dote on her, and they also frequently share pictures of her on social media to show her off to their friends. However, the other day I noticed something that upset me and I wanted some outside perspective.

My daughter was born with a very small extra finger on one hand — it will eventually be removed so there’s no risk of it tearing accidentally as she becomes more active but we’re still waiting on the doctor’s appointment. I noticed in a few pictures her grandmother has either cropped out her affected hand or in one case even edited out her extra finger. I’m not sure if it’s just because she doesn’t want to have a deeper conversation with random people on social media about the condition but it left a bad taste in my mouth because I think my daughter is perfect.

Am I wrong to feel upset about this? Should I bring it up?

Stop accusing OP of putting her DD through surgery for cosmetic reasons.

Okay, let's ask the OP.

OP, how big is this extra finger (in relation to the size of her other fingers given her age) and do you know if it's expected to grow along with the rest of her, or stay exactly as it is as her hands get bigger? Does it have any bone or cartilage?

Would you ideally want it removed regardless of the 'tearing risk' to protect your child from feeling self conscious as she gets older? To protect her from gawping and insensitive curiosity, or worse, teasing and bullying? Or would you not seek removal and instead put your energies into encouraging her to accept it as part of her in all her fabulous glory, and to build her confidence and resilience in dealing with the reaction of others?

If the doctors had never mentioned the possibility of removal (assuming they did it before you asked anyway) would not have sought any medical opinion at all on removal and accepted the extra finger as naturally and as comfortably as you do with her other ten fingers?

Please be honest. I have no wish to attack you or judge you either way but I think it would be helpful for us all to be really honest here.

Whatever decision people make for their children in situations like this, whether they have very prominent, highly visible birth marks, extra fingers, excessively proturding ears, under-developed jaws or whatever, they generally do it with the kindest of intentions and their child's happiness and mental wellbeing at the heart of their decision, regardless of whether there is any great medical benefit or need.

Digital images are forever. She's having it removed. She's probably trying to spare your daughter embarassment as she gets older

Thank you all for the responses, I personally don’t share DD on social media but the perspectives on privacy were helpful.

In response to a few inquiries, the finger is not functional, no bones or cartilage. More a nubbin, not growing as her hand does. If it was functional I likely would have let her make that choice when she’s old enough to be aware. However, now that DD is mobile she is frequently hitting it against things, getting it caught, leaning on it, etc, because I don’t think she can feel it and it feels safer to have removed by a doctor than ripped off in some accident scenario. In my country they just choose surgery rather than clipping at birth on the odd chance there are any nerves present, so it makes the procedure a bit more complicated than in decades past.