Grandmother hiding daughter’s birth defect

[FluentBear]

My eight month old daughter’s grandparents have been wonderful and absolutely dote on her, and they also frequently share pictures of her on social media to show her off to their friends. However, the other day I noticed something that upset me and I wanted some outside perspective.

My daughter was born with a very small extra finger on one hand — it will eventually be removed so there’s no risk of it tearing accidentally as she becomes more active but we’re still waiting on the doctor’s appointment. I noticed in a few pictures her grandmother has either cropped out her affected hand or in one case even edited out her extra finger. I’m not sure if it’s just because she doesn’t want to have a deeper conversation with random people on social media about the condition but it left a bad taste in my mouth because I think my daughter is perfect.

Am I wrong to feel upset about this? Should I bring it up?

Complete none issue to me - SM is there for a long time and if your daughters school mates (or not mates) found them it could lead to issues - or anyone really people are so nasty I think GM is fine with what she did and you are a bit to sensitive. It will be a complete none issue once its removed

I would feel the same OP. My DC both have extra bits. If a relative edited them out, I'd be furious. I also think, if we're thinking about your DD's future self - it sends a much worse message to her that her grandmother felt the need to edit her appearance. Re. My DC, any future op will be up to them but their extra bits are not noticeable unless they wear a certain style, and are not inconvenient in any way so it doesn't need to be done unless they want it to be. Expect it will become an issue in high school but has only lead to questions in primary that they just answer as 'oh, I was born with it. This is the name for it.'
(Incidentally, my favourite bollywood actor has an extra thumb which is considered lucky.)

I don't have a problem with her selecting photos where it's not visible or cropping it down so it's not seen but I feel the editing of a photo to remove it is a step too far especially if she keeps this copy for her viewing

I agree with the comments about not wanting it available for prosperity but not every photo needs to be shared. It should be enough to select photos where it's not visible. Editing to me is more personal and feels more shame filled to me.

Agree with this. Putting pictures of a child on SM without their consent is a separate issue. If I were ok with that, I wouldn’t be happy with a relative editing my child to make him ‘acceptable’, whatever the intention.

To be honest, there isn't a right or wrong here. And it's up to the parent how they want to play it. Anyone else needs to go down the "neutral" route, leaving the decisions to the parents.

I’m not sure if it’s just because she doesn’t want to have a deeper conversation with random people on social media about the condition but it left a bad taste in my mouth because I think my daughter is perfect.

You are being ridiculous. It is totally because she doesn't want to have to explain when people ask questions and make comments. It's a protective thing.

And if you really think your DD is perfect as she is then there will be no need to remove the extra finger, will there? Saying it risks getting caught/torn sounds like a bit of a lame excuse.

A doctor will diplomatically give you the option to remove it to 'prevent it from tearing' because they won't want to suggest that you might wish to remove it for cosmetic reasons in case that infuriates you. But even if they'd never mentioned the tearing, my guess is you'd want it removed anyway. You don't want to put your daughter through the trauma of growing up with people gawping and teasing her and asking insensitive questions. And that's absolutely fine and completely understandable.

Your DD's grandmother is just wants the same thing.

@TwigletsAndRadishes It sounds like OP’s daughter has a nubbin rather than a fully formed extra finger. The digit may just be soft tissue and have no bone or tendons and just be attached by skin that can tear or twist, cutting off circulation.

If it was a permanent feature then I think it would be wrong of her to crop it out, but as you said it will be removed anyway then she is just ahead of the doctors in some way IYSWIM. You are having it removed for real anyway.
And yes, people can be vile online and she probably wants them to focus on your baby rather than having lots of inevitable questions.

Unless you speak with her you won’t know why she’s done it. Maybe she is a massive twat but maybe not. Use your words.

Can I ask why you are having it removed? I just ask as you say she is perfect the way she is (I agree btw) but I do know this difference is much more common than people realise, because most parents choose to have it removed. I also know parents that have chosen not to remove it. If you are having it removed because you want to make her life easier and avoid comment/discussion, that is likely the same reason your MIL is not sharing it.

Honestly I'm sure she doesn't want to deal with ' what's going on with her hand'? comments from people rather than focus on how cute your daughter is. I would t get upset about this either .

People can be really unkind to people with disabilities especially online. Maybe GM is aware that the pictures of the extra digit could - and it's really unlikely of course but still possible - be screenshotted, passed around, even made into a meme.

I think you've put this very well.

Obviously it's impossible to know for sure how DD will feel about it when she's older but the point is that her feelings are what counts, not her mums. Grandma is just being cautious and sensitive to that probably.

I would be more upset it that she is posting photo's of your baby online. If the missing fingers bother you then don't even think about what is added by folk that have unhealthy interests in babies.

Read to the end of the post.

It’s not a birth defect! Extra fingers are just that - extra fingers.

But sometimes they don’t work that well and most people get them taken off - extra toes usually come off too as shoes don’t fit.

I have webbed feet. Am extremely proud of them. DM insisted they make you a good swimmer 😀

@Scaffoldingisugly - You made me spit my wine out, lol.
OP - with due respect, have you had a convo with her about photo's showing or not showing the extra finger? Have you told her she can discuss the issue with anyone else? Personally I think she's done the right thing, protecting your DC's privacy around something she may be uncomfortable with later in life.
My own DC had issues and I'd often mention them on social media but I'd be angry as hell if someone else started a thread about my DC. For what it's worth, I did have a convo with my own family and told them I didn't mind as long as it was respectful.

Personally I would not be happy with any pics on SM.

If you don’t mind this then I think cropping the pictures is sensible- you have no way of knowing how your daughter will feel about them. Cropping is obviously a better option than photoshopping just the finger.

I’m reminded of an article I read about a family who campaigned for better support for autistic children after their child was diagnosed autistic. Her name and picture were used in the campaign. They then deeply regretted it as the first thing coming up on a Google search was the campaign, which identified their (by then teenaged) daughter. Don’t put anything about your child’s medical history online and definitely don’t let a family member do so, where you have no control over privacy. It’s not your information to share and you have no way of knowing how it may be used or how your DD will feel about it.

Is she the type to over-care about what people think?

I think it's rude and mean and I'd be tempted to edit a photo of her, giving her a teeny waist or different hair!

I did, but if it was genuinely just a tearing risk it would likely have been clipped/tied at birth and unlikely to need surgery. Tearing risk is likely to be code for cosmetic surgery in these cases.

^^^^^ Exactly.

That’s not true at all. Ligation has fallen out of favour as it can be painful and can have complications.

Er...by that logic, so could an earlobe. We don't routinely remove those. Let's be honest here. The surgery will be primarily for cosmetic reasons. Everyone will pussyfoot around pretending it's not, to avoid stigmatising people with physical abnormalities.

There is no point arguing with someone who has no idea what they are talking about @TwigletsAndRadishes

I imagine if you had an earlobe attached to your hand, there would be a risk of it getting caught on things and tearing as we use our hands in very different ways to our ears so we probably would remove them.

It’s common for nubbins to be attached by a small piece of skin or stalk. Like a very large skin tag.

Stop accusing OP of putting her DD through surgery for cosmetic reasons.

*GreenRaven · Today 14:54

I agree, she is protecting your daughters privacy. When your daughter is a teen, and the finger long gone, she may well feel sensitive about it. Or even that she wished it hadn't been removed. Either way - it is for your daughter to share or not share, not her grandmother*

Yes, completely agree with this.

It’s important for everyone to remember this. Children grow up. Don’t over share in the days when they can’t control their online exposure.