I keep shouting at my toddler can anyone help

[thisbetheverse]

My toddler hasn’t slept properly for almost 2 years, waking up 3-4 times is a regular occurrence for us. I am not functioning well without sleep and it’s making me into an awful awful mother.

at least once a day now I’m badly raising my voice at her. I feel sick afterwards and apologise but it’s not good enough, I don’t know how to stop,

I'm thinking about giving up work temporarily even though it will put me in a not ideal situation money wise. But I think knowing I have a day of work often makes the night wake ups harder.

some examples of when I’ve shouted at her

• she hates getting her nappy changed and it is a stressful experience. I try to keep it together but then there’s poo going everywhere and I end up shouting for her to stop
• she comes in the bed when she won’t go back to sleep and then starts hitting my face or head butting me by accident
• she throws her dinner on the floor and I have nothing else to give her other than cereal/porridge

she is a lovely little girl and I am absolutely failing her, I’m sat hear in tears as she’s gone to nursery now. I don’t deserve her and I must be really damaging her. How can I stop I’ll try anything

Sleep sounds like my daughter when she was 2, we used a gentle sleep consultant and it was the best thing we did. It wasn't cheap but 100% worth it.

@TheOneWithUnagi i did have a look at some online, they were very expensive but maybe we need to bite the bullet. How did you choose yours and did they come into your home?

obviously ideally you need to find a way to get some sleep - I’m assuming you’ve explored all avenues for this.

The other thing that worked for me was to really really empathise with my child. When I could feel myself getting angry at them I practiced imagining it from their point of view instead. I would ‘I know I know you feel tired and frustrated.’ ‘it must be so difficult to feel like that.’ Etc etc. sorry if this sounds patronising, but it didn’t come naturally to me at all so I had to work on it.

Idas ..
Give her porridge.
Have her in her cot that she can't climb out of.
Invest in straps for the nappy change table.
Invest in ear plugs.
Once you are sure that she is fed, clean and in bed don't go to her if you are so tired that you will react badly - just put ear plugs in and sleep.
Invite your Mum over (or someone who can catch up on their sleep easily) to give you a three nights good sleep in a row every now and again.
Talk to your Doctor about Melatonin.

Try ..
When you want to shout just sing.
Choose a tune that you like, to sing the conversation to her.
Whisper.
Make a child safe contained area where you can deposit child for a half hour.
Take child to large park and let them run off their energy often.

It is SO hard when you are exhausted.

It was via zoom, we used the baby sleep experts and I'd recommend.
If you have a local Facebook group, maybe ask for recommendations there

Book a day off work to sit in your pjs, nap and chill. Or, if you work pt, book in a couple of ad hoc childcare days to do the same. Do this regularly e.g. every month or every 2 weeks.

There is no shame in admitting this isn't working. Take steps to do what you can to get it under control. When DS was 2-3 I really was struggling and the ad hoc childcare made me feel guilty but it was better for him to be at nursery than with a horrible shouty mum who couldn't give him what he needed.

The other thing that helped was planning to meet mums and their toddlers for a playdate, outside or soft play was the only way because DS was so physically active all the time. He got exercise and I got to sit and have a bit of a venting session!

Ooh I have been through it.

Get a sleep consultant, that will set you back a lot less than not working.
It will be the best money you ever spend.

We used Charmian Mead and she was fantastic.

The only thing that helps me, and I'm not perfect, is repeating to myself 'this is not an emergency situation'. It helps me get out of that fight or flight mode that triggers me to shout.

@coldmilled

i will give this a go thank you, I’m already thinking now that the last nappy change was in a cold room so I probably wouldn’t enjoy it either.

@user1492757084 we do have a cot but she will scream her lungs out it’s why we’ve struggled with controlled crying as she never settles and once made herself sick.

I’ll ask the doctor about melatonin I was thinking of booking an appointment to help understand why she doesn’t sleep

My daughter never slept in a cot we used a floor bed.
Look at wake windows if you haven't already, that was one thing the consultant worked on with us. We needed to make sure last nap ended by 1.30pm to ensure bedtime went well.

@MrsElsa thank you, you’re right even just cutting down my hours and taking some time to nap will probably help.

I hope it is the sleep and not just me as a parent, I worry I’m using it as an excuse (but I am genuinely on my knees with exhaustion)

Oh sorry and the 'how to talk so little kids will listen' book! Life changing.

@WutheringCripes i like the emergency situation mantra I’ll try this. thank you I will google her

This may sound weird but I promise I heard/read it elsewhere first and copied it (may even have been on Mumsnet!).

To curb shouting, imagine you have hidden cameras in your home watching you for some reality type big brother/super nanny programme. Depending on your imagination or ability to suspend feeling foolish, you can embellish as much as you want. My ADHD brain had invented characters and could imagine the experts in the studio running a commentary about how trixy the child is being but how well I’m handling it and what a good Mom I am..

If that feels too weird, just try to imagine neighbours or people outside hearing you when you’re yelling…

@TheOneWithUnagi ah her last nap usually ends at 3pm so will deffo look at this!!

@siblingrevelryagain i love this, I feel like it’s something I could do. I do always think about the neighbours but usually afterwards, but will try imagine we’re being watched

It will vary by baby, but ours was 2.5 years old at the time and needed the 6 hour window. Nap time was 12:30-1.30 and we went for a drive at this time (when at home) to make sure she napped.
3pm does seem late.

also just full disclosure because reading my post back I don’t know if I’ve been totally clear, when I say shouting I do mean it gets to a scream.

it’s like I can hold it together for a while and then it just comes out and I’m screaming at her. It doesn’t last long but she is visibly shocked afterwards. It’s been going on for about a month now so I’m scared what damage I’ve done, I wonder if there’s anything I can do to help undo any of it

While we are talking of pretend.
I sometimes pretended to be more removed - as if I were I their grandparent, auntie or childminder.

@user1492757084 that is a good idea. I think the getting into character thing could work as I’ve done that for work before (when I felt like I wasn’t qualified I gave myself a sort of alter ego to help!)

This is great short term but I ended up being "supermum" for 14 years and it resulted in a breakdown so use with caution.

You could try cutting it the nap altogether? All 3 of mine dropped their naps around age 2.

Honestly though go and see your GP and don't beat yourself up. Parenting little ones is really hard and sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture!

Definitely prioritise the sleep, I’m sure it’ll improve other areas. And step away before you shout; give yourself a minute to calm down. You don’t say the age but can you start potty training, to get away from nappies? And if she throws food on the floor, just pick it up and give it back to her?

@Geneticsbunny i considered this but she still has a good 2-2.5 hours and sometimes longer at nursery (but I guess that’s from all the night wake ups!)

@Rosesanddaisies1 potty training could be an option, and with prioritising sleep I'm wondering if for now I just go to bed early like 9pm - it means I’ll have no evening but hopefully will stop the shouting