I keep shouting at my toddler can anyone help

[thisbetheverse]

My toddler hasn’t slept properly for almost 2 years, waking up 3-4 times is a regular occurrence for us. I am not functioning well without sleep and it’s making me into an awful awful mother.

at least once a day now I’m badly raising my voice at her. I feel sick afterwards and apologise but it’s not good enough, I don’t know how to stop,

I'm thinking about giving up work temporarily even though it will put me in a not ideal situation money wise. But I think knowing I have a day of work often makes the night wake ups harder.

some examples of when I’ve shouted at her

• she hates getting her nappy changed and it is a stressful experience. I try to keep it together but then there’s poo going everywhere and I end up shouting for her to stop
• she comes in the bed when she won’t go back to sleep and then starts hitting my face or head butting me by accident
• she throws her dinner on the floor and I have nothing else to give her other than cereal/porridge

she is a lovely little girl and I am absolutely failing her, I’m sat hear in tears as she’s gone to nursery now. I don’t deserve her and I must be really damaging her. How can I stop I’ll try anything

Op what does your partner / dh do? Are they pulling their weight in terms of changing nappies/ comforting her at night.

@stealthninjamum he’s been brilliant, Infact he’s probably doing 65% because he doesn’t struggle as much with the sleep deprivation (his words!)

I found Toddler Taming book by the Australian paediatrician a great help (available on Amazon). I think his name is Dr Green.

@Kosenrufugirl thank you, I’ll have a look now!

Further to the earlier message. .. Dr Green gives comprehensive advice on sleep training, potty training etc. No need to employ an expensive sleep consultant.

I'm a single parent and when DD was little just went to bed when she did. I might not have gone to sleep but I'd be resting, we co slept so I'd listen to something on headphones, watch TV on my iPad with headphones on etc so as not to disturb her. Inevitably I'd be asleep far earlier than had I pottered downstairs, but it was how I got through doing all the night wakings. Just remember it's not forever in the blink of an eye you'll have a teen who wants to sleep in till noon.

Does it help to know you aren’t alone with the night wakings and it is in fact the norm?

You really do need to stop shouting and screaming at her. Look at the research, it will probably shock you. She doesn’t deserve to be put into a state of panic and fear from her own mother. You said she looks shocked afterwards, it’s not ok.

I bet when your daughter was a baby, if she was squirming all over the changing table or getting poo everywhere you'd be frustrated but you wouldn't shout, right? So it might be helpful to remember that your toddler is still effectively a 'baby' in that she's still figuring everything out and she's so young. Shouting like that really shouldn't be happening. Take a deep breath before you get to that point.
Re: sleep I agree that a floor bed sounds like a good idea and maybe lying down with her to go to sleep then doing gradual retreat.

Google homestart (your area ) they offer support to parents of under 5s without judgement and can help you out. She sounds lively you sound exhausted. If she throws her dinner away just tidy up and put her away from the table/high chair change her nappy standing up in the bathroom give her a book or toy, and count to 3 to yourself before you react this will centre you a bit so you won't be as agitated. I think once you crack the sleep you will cope better. What's her sleep routine?

You are only human. I shout at my middle one a lot because he literally never listens to me and I have to say everything 100 times until I snap and start shouting. He just laughs at me.

I am no expert because I also hate nappy changes with a passion, my 21mo is a nightmare, and with this and other things I can quickly descend into shouting.

Just some points that worked for us-
Sleep was terrible for us too until 19 months when a suggestion was made to me to move him into a toddler bed. I balked initially thinking he was too young but it's been AMAZING!! We fully baby proofed room in case he got up, picked nice bedding and made a big deal of his 'big boy bed', with lots of playing in the day before the first bedtime climbing on and off it, tucking the teddies in etc. Now he sleeps through! He wears his sleeping bag with legs still as duvet gets kicked off. Fell out a few times but quickly learnt not to.

The book Toddler Calm by Sarah Ockwell Smith helped me a lot. Similar to what @coldmilled said about empathising with your child, she encourages you to see tantrumming as communication and learn how to help child through them.

I have also decided to take the easy route as much as possible. By which I mean, if he is refusing to walk because he wants to look at the builders across the street for 30 mins, then why not? Ok we'll be 30 mins late to playgroup but maybe his chosen activity today isn't playgroup, I don't always want to do the same thing every Thursday. Sometimes I'll insist because I'm the adult and we do actually have to go somewhere but if we don't then the world won't end if we don't.

On terms of nappy changes it's not unusual for toddlers to hate them. Become a pro at doing them standing up with pull up nappies, it's easy enough to get them to lean on you, change them, give a wipe and get them to step into a new one.

If your child hates getting her nappy changed, do you think it would be useful to introduce a potty?

I would say you are heading for very challenging teenage years. You need to work on your communication now.

The vast majority of kids wake up in the night at that age still so you're not alone, and I'm not suggesting you'll get to 12 hours sleep straight through as that's unlikely.

When I was in your shoes I did the following:

• took a few days off work so I could sleep while she was in childcare. I did Wednesday, Thursday, Friday so we would have 5 days total with the weekend and DH could help at the weekend.
• I ate a big meal at about 4pm before I picked her up for those days so if she was a nightmare at bedtime I wouldn't be hungry and could miss out on my dinner if I needed to.
• started a new evening routine, simple tea of porridge or crumpets or toast etc for her while I sat with her and read books to her, then bath, then story and a magnesium supplement gummy and bed.
• I sat with her until she fell asleep, listening to her audiobooks/music. I made sure she got lots of time and physical contact with me during this time in the evenings. I set up a grow clock and showed her that when it's blue it's night and when it's orange it's day time.
• I went to bed. When she woke, I took her back to her bed and put her in bed, and sat on the chair again. I put her back in every single time and said it's still bedtime time for sleep, your clock is still blue.

It didn't matter that I didn't get much sleep because I could nap in the day over those few days. By the time I went back to work on the Monday, she was waking only twice a night and would go back into her bed quietly and calmly and fall back asleep within two minutes.

Thanks for everyone’s advice and feedback it’s very much appreciated. We’ve had 2 awful nights on the trot, and tonight she’s already woke up 3 times since putting her to bed at 7.30 😵‍💫 just managed to get her to lay back down in her cot by holding my hand but had to do some controlled crying (5 minute timer) just to get her to that point. She will literally scream the house down, so it’s a horrible experience for everyone. She does seem to really hate bedtime (and naps), she doesn’t even like it when we’re playing with her dolls and I put one to bed.

I have been using your tips though since yesterday especially trying to think of how she’s feeling in the moment and taking a minute when I can feel myself about to bubble over, and no big shouting moments since.

the no explosive shouting will make all the difference, keep at the slow retreat from her bedroom just sit with her till she falls back over.she can't regulate her emotions so she might cry for a few more nights until she feels safer in her bed.

Maybe I should add that before we started with the toddler bed, we had ended up with him sleeping in the double bed in the spare room with one of us, and we'd lie in the bed at bedtime too. Just got so fed up sitting next to the cot on the floor at night. There was much going to sleep silliness initially but then it helped. I felt quite bad when this helped, it wasn't perfect, but it seemed like he really did just need parental support for a bit. At least if child isn't sleeping, you can doze off yourself a bit.

Hi! I’m right there with you. My little girl will be 2 in May and everything feels like a fight at the moment.

I too raise my voice and feel incredibly guilty afterwards, have a little cry and feel sorry for myself sometimes. I think the important thing is you recognise that it’s not the way you want to parent and you’re trying to make changes. We are all making mistakes along the way and learning.

I think you’ve had some good advice in here already so all I’ll say is you sound like an amazing mum.

You poor thing. The sleep must be the worst. Good idea getting outside advice with that. Once you know you are doing something active about the main issue you might not feel so out of control. If food gets thrown on the floor here meal time is over. Nappy changes: could you offer a bath toy to hold? You could potty train soon.

@Firsttmum thank you so much and sorry to hear you’re going through it at the moment too! It’s definitely not the way I want to parent, having grown up with a shouty family.

@Mrsjayy that’s a good point we need to persevere, often we will try controlled crying one night and rocking to sleep the next.

managed another night/day without loosing it, have started making a note on my calendar to try and treat it like how long can I go!

@AegonT will give the bath toy a go thank you, she loves her duckies and doesn’t her to play with them other than bathtime so it may work!

@HiCandles I’d like to try the toddler bed as we’ve bought one that converts, but DP is worried we will have no where to put her when we need to shower / use the loo as it’s a safe place

Dont give up work. Discuss it with work and take some time off and sleep and be kind to yourself.
Is it worth looking at a food bank or pantry to ease the pressure for food. Ive used them and there is no shame.
What i will say is it wont stay like this forever. You sound like you are doing your best and you are not damaging her. You are tired.
Is dad around... can he take her for a few nights.