I keep shouting at my toddler can anyone help

[thisbetheverse]

My toddler hasn’t slept properly for almost 2 years, waking up 3-4 times is a regular occurrence for us. I am not functioning well without sleep and it’s making me into an awful awful mother.

at least once a day now I’m badly raising my voice at her. I feel sick afterwards and apologise but it’s not good enough, I don’t know how to stop,

I'm thinking about giving up work temporarily even though it will put me in a not ideal situation money wise. But I think knowing I have a day of work often makes the night wake ups harder.

some examples of when I’ve shouted at her

• she hates getting her nappy changed and it is a stressful experience. I try to keep it together but then there’s poo going everywhere and I end up shouting for her to stop
• she comes in the bed when she won’t go back to sleep and then starts hitting my face or head butting me by accident
• she throws her dinner on the floor and I have nothing else to give her other than cereal/porridge

she is a lovely little girl and I am absolutely failing her, I’m sat hear in tears as she’s gone to nursery now. I don’t deserve her and I must be really damaging her. How can I stop I’ll try anything

I think putting her to bed and sitting with her FWIW I don't think controlled crying works I did it with my eldest and it really just upset her even more, gentle "shushiing" and sitting in the same room worked I also used to lie beside her some nights, I mean she's 31 now and manages to sleep fine 😃

Our solution was to baby proof the whole upstairs and have a stair gate for top of stairs, so DS just roams around freely, but we don't have a massive upstairs. To be honest he rarely leaves us alone, or might go and get a book then come back. I've heard of people having a gate on child's room doorway instead.
I think he had got to the point of realising the cot was being used to restrain his independence both night and day as we used it to put him somewhere too like you do, and I think that he had basically decided he hated it!

Be careful with the controlled crying as it will probably increase any dislike she already has of bedtime and probably be counterproductive.

Walk away when you have had enough. It's frustrating but stop worrying so much. As long as they stay in their room, they don't need to be asleep. Use stair gate. Plus try star charts for child. Reward good behaviour, ignore bad behaviour or just use naughty step if you like. Try potty training, wear child out try swimming, park, baby gym.

@BurbageBrook is it the same if you’re in the room still sat next to them (but they’re still crying)

@Jandob will try star charts thank you, I wish I could stop worrying it seems firmly embedded in my nature now!

@HiCandles ahh I’m going to see if I can convince DP then! So hopefully she feels less contained / restricted

@Redlarge thank you, I’ve managed to do a bit of work today so I can have the morning off tomorrow to recoup.

You’re exhausted. That’s why you’re screaming. And you also feel really guilty because things aren’t what you think they ‘should’ be. The only thing that ‘should’ be is that you love your daughter.
give yourself a break for a while with supper. Keep it simple toast, cereal, yoghurt, whatever won’t cause a battle. Ignore the people who feed their children courgette and quinoa on Instagram. I’ve yet to meet one in real life.
sleep training. Vital. A few night’s pain for years and years of gain. She’s not allowed in your bed. Let her cry it out it won’t damage her, for goodness sake she needs to sleep and so do you.

You sound like you are really working hard and I can feel the love you have for your child. If I can, then I am I sure your child will know it too. I also had a child that didn’t sleep and I was really triggered when he didn’t nap. I would lose my cool on occasions and really beat myself up for it. No parent is perfect and while it’s obviously not ideal - which you’ve acknowledged - I think as long as your child knows they are loved and has that attachment with you then all will be ok. Work on it of course, but be kind to yourself, parenting is so so hard.

How old is she OP? Easier to suggest strategies if we know how old she is.

I shout occasionally when I'm at the end of my tether and that's often related to illness with me, so similar to the sleep issue for you really. In that it's hard to be not even your best self but just a good enough self when you feel physically ill which sleep deprivation does make you feel like that too. DC2 didn't sleep through the night until he was 16 months and though he was only waking 1-2 times a night for the months preceding it, that was bloody bad enough. I felt like a different person after a month of him sleeping through!

I honestly find stopping and taking a few deep breaths helps, before I respond. My eldest is now 5 and she notices when I do this now and it helps diffuse her behaviour too when I do it. I notice she will click on that I'm close to exploding and will then also stop in her tracks often and try to speak again in a more measured tone herself. So that grounding can start to spread amongst the other people you're with too.

@citrusfruit1 thank you I do love her so much which is why I can’t understand how I could loose it, I feel so awful afterwards. We’re onto day 3 now without shouting so fingers crossed I keep those strategies up and try some of the other suggestions and I can look back as a bad but short phase

@WeightoftheWorld she’s almost 2! And I think the breathing thing is a great idea especially as it signals to them mum is getting very stressed and even teaches them to do this themselves? Do you say anything out loud when you do it?

@Bennettsister thank you, I will try take the pressure off meal times with something simple, it is always dinner she struggles with the most. She eats about 5.30 so now wondering if this is too late and she’s too tired maybe

Another vote for a sleep consultant. We used Gemma Coe and I think she saved my marriage! I was ready to abandon my family and live in a cave when my husband got in touch with her. Good luck!

No I don't, I just catch myself in my head and stop and do one or two big deep breaths in and out and then reply to them. Which usually starts with "Right." Haha! Worth a try for you. Of course the challenge is in recognising you're about to blow before you actually do, and I'm not going to pretend I am always successful at that, but I do find this helps and reduces the shouting!

So almost 2 can be a tricky age I think. Is she talking much yet? I think it gets easier when their understanding improves and they can communicate better. My youngest is 2yrs 5 months and much easier now than at almost 2, mainly because he can communicate great now and can mostly understand what I'm saying to him too.

In terms of specific difficulties, these might not work but purely based off my own experiences for you to try:

• Nappy changes - wet nappies I change standing up. Find it quicker and they thrash around and protest less. What works well with DC2 is changing by a sofa or little table and he has a book on them and he looks at the book whilst I change him. Done in two mins. Dirty nappies I don't have an answer for unfortunately as I've always felt the need to change them laying down for that and both kids have been awful about it at that age. One radical solution could be trying to potty train though! The Oh Crap potty training book and the Eric website recommends potty training from as early as 18-20 months and you don't know til you try. DC1 was horrendous changing her nappy so we tried potty training her at 26 months and she basically trained herself within a few days, it was so easy (and she was showing none of the 'signs of readiness' people talk about). (Now we are baffled by how to approach it with DC2 who is a few months older already and resolutely doesn't want to sit on the potty and never pees or poos when he does!)

• Food throwing - not sure as DC2 still does this and it's sooo annoyinggg. For clearing up mess I recommend a mini cordless hoover, much quicker than sweeping up, wish we had that with DC1. We don't wear shoes in our house and have no pets so if they throw food on the floor we have always picked it back up and re-offered, the floor isn't dirty. If they keep throwing we clean them up and get them out. If they don't eat we assume they are not hungry. We don't offer anything else. Now DC2 is older we have decided to try and get a handle on this so now he gets one warning and if he throws again he is taken straight out of the high chair. It's been a few days of this and he's already a bit better so think he's getting the message despite some tantrums. I think your little one is probably a bit too young to understand that yet though unfortunately. Other things that help is putting food a little at a time on their plate/tray as they eat so they can't throw an entire dinner plate etc.

• Sleeping - no real advice as we've never co-slept. If they woke/wake in night we will cuddle and resettle and put them back in their bed. If they cry we leave them for a couple of minutes and will go back and repeat as much as needed.

I really sympathise with you with the nappy changes, food being thrown and hitting. It’s so stressful, calming down is easier said than done when you’re exhausted.

I just wanted to share what has helped me with the food throwing. I started to do really small portions, as big as his fist and noticed he ate it all and nothing gets thrown.
With the happy changes, they’re still bloody hard but my friend suggest blowing in their face to distract them? I haven’t tried yet ,
keep forgetting!

I've not read the whole thread but in terms of not shouting. I use to do a silly voice when I wanted to shout. You can't shout in a silly voice and I felt better because I focused on the voice.

You have to stop shouting.
Otherwise it's what she will do to you when she's older. And believe me a teen screaming is no fun.
You need time off work. Get a sleep consultant.
Do anything to fix this. Now. Do not wait.

Go to bed at 9. By age four you won't believe how much better she sleeps.

It's temporary.

If he does 65%. She'll go to him when she's older. And you'll be sad then. You need to sort out a routine that works for you and her now.
Cut out naps. Bath time together. All nappies are fun. Not angry.
All the problems now will come back in teens bigger. Try hard to fix.