I’ve done such a bad job at parenting my child

[Spaghettihoopsontoast]

I’m not sure how to put it right. If I’m honest I don’t think I can. I think I probably have let too much slide and he doesn’t listen to me at all. It’s so rubbish.

Problem is it’s not always his toy.

I know it’s an obvious thing to ask but has he had a hearing check?

Why is he not listening? Does he have problems looking at you in the eye? Or is he too energetic so he doesn’t stop and listen? Or is he demand avoidant?

Does he listen when he is doing something he likes?

Could you get a basic check up from gp to see if anything obvious is being missed? Sometimes they can offer pointers to support groups for early years parenting.

You mention MH. How is your mental health op? Should you mention that to gp too? If you are having constant broken nights it can really wear you down. Also, you can’t parent effectively if you are anxious or depressed and there’s no shame in asking for help. We all need it occasionally.

Fwiw, if it’s any consolation, I remember feeling exactly as you do about whether I was being too strict, or too lenient or whatever. Most parents do. It shows you are a good parent if you care. Bad parents are not in to self reflection usually.

You do need to work on confidence in yourself though if you can as the best parenting lesson we can give our dc is “example, example, example”. SEN or other issues aside, if you work on yourself, the rest will usually follow.

Would you sleep train him?
I found the Ferber book was a life saver.

This sounds pretty normal.

It may be that you have very high expectations. Do you expect children to be 'good' or to listen more than is actually developmentally typical perhaps?

If he doesn’t understand your words then show him. Also have his hearing checked. Try not to catastrophize and run to an extreme. At this moment he did not understand my goal in asking him to do something is a much more useful perspective than “he is bad and I am bad.”

It is still a completely normal thing. If he does stand on a toy it probably won't break - toys for young children are very strong - and if he steps on someone else's toy just say 'ooh dear, let's move that out of the way'.

Standing on a toy is not a problem really.

Sounds like a fairly standard 3 year old from that example. Either let him break it(if it’s something you don’t mind losing) and learn the consequence do standing on things or be firmed. But yeah threenagers are he’s working and you do a lot of repeating yourself.

Three! 😂😂😂
Thought you were going to say 15 and caught up in county lines.

Though clearly with your bad parenting he’s headed that way 🤣

Honestly stop stressing out! He is three.

Do you work?
These pre school years are hard. Outsource them. Mine went to nursery from four months old (pt). Twenty years on all is good.
Where's his dad?

Have you tried false choices? Ds are you going to move off the toy like a bear or a penguin?

Have you tried ignoring and not giving him attention for negative behaviour? Making it fun to move off the toy? Not telling him no but tell him what to do that’s different eg come and look what’s in this box ds.

Do you set expectations beforehand? Outside the play group “ds we are going to go and have a nice play now but you must not stand on toys that are not yours. If you do that , or you don’t listen to me when I tell you to stop doing something, we will leave immediately” and then follow through. No discussion.

I thought you were going to say 13 or 30?!?!?

At 3 you can 💯 turn it around.

My friend actually took parenting classes which really helped her! She recommends them to everyone her boy is 12 now and life is good!

Not sure what where’s his dad is trying to suggest.

He was standing on a toy that would break. Trust me. Hearing is fine. We did sleep train him at 18 months, not sure what’s happening lately.

He’d never stand on a toy at a playgroup lol. And tidies up beautifully. It’s at home he breaks things and trashes the place.

He’s 3. He’s not forever broken. He’s growing and his understanding of the world is changing. Your job is to support and guide not write your relationship off because he’s starting to push boundaries and have an understanding of autonomy.

Just here in solidarity. My two and a half year old is so full on and very boundary testing at the moment. He screamed all around Sainsburys yesterday because he dropped a crisp and I wouldn’t let him eat it off the floor. He constantly tries to “hug” his baby sister which is more of a rugby tackle, attempts run his toy cars across the tv screen and flush random objects down the toilet if I take my eyes off him for even a second.

You are not a bad parent. Toddlers are designed to test us.

Try one (or all) of these books
How to talk so little kids will listen
The Happiest Toddler on the Block
The Science of Parenting
The Power of Showing Up

You might be at your wit's end, but for goodness sake he is only three!!!

It is entirely up to you to win his confidence, get a grip and sets things right.

Follow the best advice you get here.

Babies don't come with manuals. We just all muddle through and some moments feel more challenging than ever. Mine are 24 and 21 and I often feel like I was shit, then they remind me of moments that we get great pleasure from remembering.

Does he go to nursery? If so how is he there?

There was a great thread on here that I think is in classics now. It was about a child perspective to asking for their pear being cut up and how they changed their minds and threw a tantrum cos the pear was cut up. It's worth a read.

Meant to add the link...

www.mumsnet.com/talk/mumsnet_classics/1301196-If-my-3yo-had-access-to-AIBU

He may not understand what you are saying. The example you gave was quite a long and complex sentence.

I found my DD a real challenge around this age (she turned out later to have ADHD).

I found going to bed earlier myself, tag teaming with DH and stepping aside when I was getting really irritated all helped. Plus a lot of passive stuff like putting away anything she would mess with. I'd just fling the toy in a cupboard.

Still have to do that a bit and she's 11! Although it's my nice laptop and beauty products that need putting away 😂.

Be kind to yourself. It takes a long time to civilise children.

There was a kids' book I absolutely loved at this stage, "My Big Shouting Day". That author's been there!

I just want to reassure you that I don't think you are a bad parent. I have 2 boys (5 and 3) and they are incredibly strong willed and NEVER listen to me at home. I am quite literally the invisible woman!

However, I know that my parenting has been effective - they can sit through a meal in a restaurant without any technology, just playing quietly with a toy and chatting, they are polite and well behaved at school/nursery and are well behaved at friends houses. They are just feral at home!

Some children are compliant, others aren't. Mine aren't, but neither was I. My mum who sees my children weekly says they are exactly like my sister and I as children and we have turned out ok I would say! I am expecting twin boys in the next week and am fully expecting them to be exactly the same as my older 2.

It's exhausting and frustrating and you feel like you're going mad and that you're fighting fire but you have to just keep going. I'm afraid I don't buy much into the gentle parenting - it would not work with my children. I am quite harsh but if I have an inch there would be issues - they are both clever and would cause more bedlam than they already do. Try and find an Achilles heal if you can - my oldest doesn't seem to have one but does hate being ignored but doesn't work very well in the midst of destruction. I personally think be strict but also cuddle lots and always apologise when you may have overreacted due to sensory overload!

In that case you are doing fine! I mentioned play group because you said he was standing on other children’s toys. But if he behaves outside the home and plays up inside, when friends or relations are around, that is good. It’s very exciting having other dc over to play.

He knows he can test boundaries and test you at home because you love him and he trusts you. He is discovering his independence to you. It’s totally normal.

Just make sure he gets plenty of exercise and outdoor play and the opportunity to rough and tumble safely.

I’ve a friend whose very active 3 year old does baby Rugby. And there are some tot classes for swimming, bicycling, gym etc.

At this age you have to calmly repeat things over and over until you're blue in the face, it's really normal. On the 500th time though it will slowly start to sink in!

If he's purposely standing on the toy and not moving when you ask then it sounds like it may be attention seeking behaviour. I would make sure he is getting outside for a walk to the park or whatever every day with you interacting with him, have set times through the day where he gets your undivided attention - putting a train set together and playing with it, building towers with blocks, using the blocks to make fields and build a farm for play animals then feeding then etc, building ramps to run cars down, make dinosaurs out of playdough are all the the sorts of things I used to do with mine. Make the 'rules' clear before you start ie we need to make sure all the playdough stays on the table.

I promise the more positive attention you give him the more he'll listen to you - well some of the time, anyway!

Telling your child off or enforcing an appropriate punishment Is part of parenting. Children push boundaries you are the adult. And some days on crap sleep especially, pick your battles and just get to the end of the day.