I’ve done such a bad job at parenting my child

[Spaghettihoopsontoast]

I’m not sure how to put it right. If I’m honest I don’t think I can. I think I probably have let too much slide and he doesn’t listen to me at all. It’s so rubbish.

My 3yo hates when I count down.

Come and get dressed or we are not going out/ put the toy down or I am taking it away etc.
(As pp said, immediate consequence).

Do I need to count? You have ten seconds. Ten, nine.....

Always follow through when you get to zero. Mine doesn't half move when I count now!

So much advice out there and changes in parenting methods. I have no idea if I'm strict enough or if the occasional meltdown at the word No means I'm raising a brat.
We're all making it up as we go along OP. It's a good sign that you care so much so unlikely that your kid will turn out bad!

Try simpler instructions, less words and focus on what you want him to do rather than what you don’t want him to do. I would probably say “step off” then pick it up and say “if you break it you can’t play with it anymore”

3 year olds are really difficult, it’s a funny stage where they seem quite grown up and definitely not babies anymore that you expect them to listen and to sleep. My sister has a 3 year old, I have a 6 year old and a 3 year old and I’m constantly saying “6 year old can’t do that yet so don’t expect it from 3 year old yet”
Both of mine have really struggled with being super tired at that age too!

I have a 3 year old and their newfound independence can be brutal… but they are more challenging for us because we are their safe space.

At home with you he feels secure. He can let all his emotions out in full knowledge that you’ll still love him. And he can safely push boundaries to help him make sense of the world.

Go easy on yourself, 3 is still so young

I think we sometimes forget that children are works in progress. Your job is to get him to 18 in relatively decent shape (or at least the best shape you can reasonably manage - life sometimes throws a spanner in the works). You still have a lot of time.

Everything you're dealing with - the defiance, the tantrums, the pushing boundaries - is just one more (necessary) step on the way to this.

It’s a horrid age OP. I would bet money that you won’t be talking like this in a few years time.

For me or was about finding the right parenting coaches. Can just be Instagram or paying for an online course, which often come with online communities now adays. Look around until you find one that chimes with you and then begin to practice some strategies and tools. I really like Dr Becky https://www.instagram.com/reel/C0cqF-TB-no/?igsh=MXJoMnFnY2txdTBoOQ==

I couldn't find the video but she does really good stuff about boundaries and not setting your kid up to fail. She might not be for too, but there are so many, it's just by going through them you'll find one that suits you and your little one.