OH Vs Teenage son. AIBU

[TruckerMother]

I am enjoying commenting on threads so it is time to brave my own issue.

OH of 7 years disagrees with how I parent my son. He is the youngest of 4 at 15. The last at home. He is a great kid, have no issues, great peers, works hard at school, gives me no trouble apart from getting him up in a morning....normal teen i think? He can cook his own meals, do his own washing etc.if necessary. His dad died when he was 3.
HISTORY: OH in the last 4 years has had life altering bowel cancer (permanent stoma) Then emergency treatment for sepsis. Then a small stroke. Now new diagnosis of acute AF and Hypertension. He is often sick. Relevance??
Up to the stroke he was a great person, we had lots of fun, hardly anything other than normal family niggles. He is changed. Has turned more to alcohol, was always a heavy drinker. Is now an angry unreasonable man (IMO)
We live in the rural sticks, winding country lanes. 3 miles from the nearest town. Half an hour from the nearest bus stop.
My son either gets the bus to school, I take him to the bus stop or to school, time dependant.. I am the usual mum taxi for leisure activities. Who isn't?

ISSUE. OH thinks he should walk every day half an hour to the bus stop. That for leisure purposes he should walk to the bus stop then get trains? But....he is nasty about it, starts arguments, calls my son names, berates my parenting IE he is lazy, spoilt, I do all but wipe his arse etc. When i say he cant walk half an hour in pouring rain he mocks....Occasionally if I am working my boy does get the bus and walk home. OH thinks i treat him like a baby, i stunt his independence but he has also said in the past that women should not raise boys! That his ex wife was the same with his (adult) son.
OH hated his own mother! Was unloved and packed off to boarding school which he hated so i realise he has major issues......he would not agree at all.
Lat week he gave my son a lift somewhere and the front door was left unlocked. He blamed my son (to me)for not being responsible enough to find a key and lock it. OH had his key, i said *did you ask him to lock it or give him the keys to do it.........this started a massive row in which he has now not spoken to me for days and said many really hurtfull things calling me and my son names, a bad mother etc....

Im a bit lost. He is not the man i met.
AIBU to still parentmy son at 15?
Sorry for long history

He sounds awful. On the face of it your DS would be better off without him in his life - and “women should not raise boys” that sort of misogyny doesn’t need to be around your son.

he sounds jealous of the attention you give your son.
Of course you should give your son a lift to the bus stop, that's your decision nothing to do with him.
If it was me I would be telling him he needs to leave as you need to protect your son from this jealous bully.
your son sounds a good kid, but your OH sounds a nasty jealous man

So your DSs safe space is invaded by a bloke who belittles him, is angry and nasty.
You are spot on at telling him to jog on.

id be very clear that I will always pick my son over him so if he wants to continue being like this he can move himself out and crack on with his own life.

You need to protect your son. This guys a nasty bully.

Your OH is an arsehole, and you need to protect your son from him.

It sounds like the ill health has changed him.

Could the stroke have had an impact in his personality?

I'm not sure what to advise, as on the face of it your OH is being very unreasonable.

Initial thoughts would be around managing g his anger - so explaining that you are not ok with it. Not letting them spend time together also seems an obvious step.

Even minor strokes can have major impacts on how people behave, a bit like dementia also impacts behaviour.

I sometimes have to mediate clashes between my dh and tween ds. It happens with bio fathers and their sons too. Testosterone or something.

However this feels like targeted bullying of your ds. I couldn't stand for that. He sounds like a very independent lad but your dh seems determined to bring him down. Probably jealous. But it's not ok and your son will remember you advocating (or not advocating) for him. So I would think very carefully about how much more of this you're willing to put him through. If it were me the 'd'p would be already gone.

This! It sounds like he needs therapy. He could also be lamenting his youth/health and is taking it out on your son. His acrimonious relationship with his own mother vs your healthy relationship with your son surely feeds his resentment too

Why are you lost? Presumably the deal was that you’d let this man into your child’s life on the condition that he was a positive presents and treated your son well, and now he’s not being a positive presence or treating your son well. Where is the confusion here?

He sounds awful OP, and you must face up to the fact that your son will be affected by this nasty behaviour. I recognise it's difficult because your partner has had a lot of shit to deal with, but you need to protect your son.

You’re saying OH, are you married? I agree you need to protect your son, and the OH is being an obnoxious and condescending.

Sounds like a really stressful situation to be in.... parenting is hard enough when both parents are on the same page!
I personally don't think that you are babying your child. We live in the sticks and we are the parent taxis when our kids (13 and 15) need to go anywhere. Bus services are very infrequent too. For me it's important that my kids socialise - they missed out on a lot of that over Covid and I feel it had a really detrimental effect on them. They don't have a say over where we live .... so I think it's right that I should help them get around.
15 is a difficult age as they are old enough to do lots of things and old enough to take responsibility for themselves, but also teenagery enough to be idiots! Parenting has changed since we were young.... I don't think we can compare now to then.
I don't think you are being unreasonable in the way you are parenting your child. I think your OH is being unreasonable - certainly it's not ok to treat your other half the way he is treating you.

Get the shit man out of your child’s home. Put your kid before your angry, drunken boyfriend.

Sounds like the stroke has affected your partner somewhat. It's no excuse to behave the way he is though.

You need to step up and tell him to put a sock in it or your relationship is at an end. Your son is still a child and needs all the support you are able to give.

The only way you're parenting him badly is by being in this relationship still.

I’m with the others: the thread title here isn’t even a question - nor should it be.

Yes he’s had a hard time of things. But the man you are living with is a nasty, verbally abusive alcoholic who openly resents your son getting any support or attention. This is LTB stuff.

OP my heart goes out to you. Your DH has been seriously unwell, you kept everything together/looked after the kids/probably at times parented alone a lot, and now it feels you are being kicked for that parenting.

You are probably torn constantly between “DH is an arsehole” and “it’s not his fault he is ill” (and possibly has suffer not behaviour changes as a result).

My advice would be to parent as you see fit and don’t let DH intimidate you on this. Your child is a minor and needs to be protected.

Is there times when your OH is calmer? If yes, on one of these times I would be saying he needs to go go to the GP and ask to be referred to a psychiatrists to work out if he is depressed or possibly has suffered a brain injury from the stroke.

If he won’t do this then I would be thinking is there any way you can get him to leave?

I would also look in to some therapy for yourself. Some of the cancer charities offer therapy for families.

Sad that he's had a personality change since being ill but that does NOT mean you're obligated to care for him and even less does it mean your kid is obligated to be his punching bag. Lose the horrible man before he drives your DS away and you end up lonely, unhappy with nobody but him for company because your kids can't stand him.

FWIW I have a 15 yo DS and a DH who isn't his dad. My DS sounds a lot less mature than yours! I know DH thinks I do too much for him and I probably do, but he mostly keeps it to himself and he's never horrible to DS. 15 year olds can be trying but that doesn't mean they deserve to be made to feel like shit in their own home.

I would not allow any man to treat one of my children like this.
His health is no excuse for his vile behavior

I am afraid your OH has permanently changed into a hostile, selfish, abusive man. This is your future if you don’t change him. Of course you can’t change an angry, chronically ill, alcoholic with childhood trauma (boarding school) and a deep hatred for his mother snd the mother-child bond.

I am not one of the mumsnetters who freaks out about second families and partners but I would leave over this. He will not get his health or his mind back.

Pick one, OP.

PS. It's your son.

There isn’t a need for anyone to type out huge paragraphs. This is cut and dry. No one on earth should allow their shit boyfriend to bully or abuse their child. At all. Zero excuse.

He needs to go. Absolutely no way would I allow any man to speak to me like that or treat my child like that. Who does he think he is? I can't believe you're even having to ask the question OP? It's clear he's been affected by his illness and has a complicated family history, however, the damage he is going to do to your child is irreparable. It needs to end.

It is only ever to me, never directly at my son.

When we met he was full of praise for my son and my parenting etc couldnt have been more Wonderfull. Said of course my son was no1 and always should be. They got on greatly. Now OH is indifferent to him.
Its the complete turnaround. Change in attitude behaviour etc.
Not an excuse but his drinking and depression over illnesses has been a life changer.
If he did anything to or at my son we would exit, immediately, but its always taken out on me. I have been his sole support and carer.
Mt son needs stability going through his exams at the moment, has his first girlfriend and is a pretty happy kid all round, we have lots of fun together. He is safe. And has great relationships with his siblings.

He sounds an angry man. Angry your ds is on the cusp of life when his is so dire atm.. He needs to leave imo.
Honestly get rid op. At 15 teens need us the most ime. Don't risk your entire future relationship with your own ds for such a person...

You sound like you are increasingly unhappy with the person he has become. To be fair, as posters upthread have said, these kind of health issues can affect someone's mental health. Only you know if you love him enough to stand by him or walk away. you might want to visit the life limiting illnesses board to seek advice.
Many people find serious sickness in a partner hard. It sounds like you are not married so you can walk away. Bitterness is a side product of the kind of health issues your partner has faced. Many marriages break up because of this. I know someone married for thirty odd years who walked when her husband developed Parkinsons.
A serious talk and a decision about whether he has changed irretrievably will help you decide whether or not to leave.