OH Vs Teenage son. AIBU

[TruckerMother]

I am enjoying commenting on threads so it is time to brave my own issue.

OH of 7 years disagrees with how I parent my son. He is the youngest of 4 at 15. The last at home. He is a great kid, have no issues, great peers, works hard at school, gives me no trouble apart from getting him up in a morning....normal teen i think? He can cook his own meals, do his own washing etc.if necessary. His dad died when he was 3.
HISTORY: OH in the last 4 years has had life altering bowel cancer (permanent stoma) Then emergency treatment for sepsis. Then a small stroke. Now new diagnosis of acute AF and Hypertension. He is often sick. Relevance??
Up to the stroke he was a great person, we had lots of fun, hardly anything other than normal family niggles. He is changed. Has turned more to alcohol, was always a heavy drinker. Is now an angry unreasonable man (IMO)
We live in the rural sticks, winding country lanes. 3 miles from the nearest town. Half an hour from the nearest bus stop.
My son either gets the bus to school, I take him to the bus stop or to school, time dependant.. I am the usual mum taxi for leisure activities. Who isn't?

ISSUE. OH thinks he should walk every day half an hour to the bus stop. That for leisure purposes he should walk to the bus stop then get trains? But....he is nasty about it, starts arguments, calls my son names, berates my parenting IE he is lazy, spoilt, I do all but wipe his arse etc. When i say he cant walk half an hour in pouring rain he mocks....Occasionally if I am working my boy does get the bus and walk home. OH thinks i treat him like a baby, i stunt his independence but he has also said in the past that women should not raise boys! That his ex wife was the same with his (adult) son.
OH hated his own mother! Was unloved and packed off to boarding school which he hated so i realise he has major issues......he would not agree at all.
Lat week he gave my son a lift somewhere and the front door was left unlocked. He blamed my son (to me)for not being responsible enough to find a key and lock it. OH had his key, i said *did you ask him to lock it or give him the keys to do it.........this started a massive row in which he has now not spoken to me for days and said many really hurtfull things calling me and my son names, a bad mother etc....

Im a bit lost. He is not the man i met.
AIBU to still parentmy son at 15?
Sorry for long history

I find it really weird when people recognise that they were not treated well as a child and this had a negative impact on them, but are then unkind to their own children / step children. Doesn't he see the irony?

It sounds like the drinking is the issue. It is possible to go through life changing illness and not be a total dick about it.

But the not taking to you for days is horrendous!

you sound like a normal loving parent and your DS sounds great. Kids need to know they can call you at any time of the night if they feel unsafe and be picked up no questions asked.

Do you really believe your son has no idea how he feels about him? Come on

It's seems very likely that the strike has changed his personality which is sadly common.

You need to protect your son so seriously consider parting ways ASAP as your OH is not taking care of himself.

Nope. Seeing your mother being abused by her trash bloke damages you for life. I speak from experience.

You wrote ‘he is nasty about it, starts arguments, calls my son names, berates’, hasn’t spoken to you for days, calls your child names.
Its shocking that you haven’t yet dumped him, do not excuse this as ‘only ever to me’. You are allowing your son to be damaged. Look up on how cortisol damages developing bodies.

I think once your son leaves home he will not often be back.
You OH has suffered a lot but that's not your fault or your son's. Could he get support from local mental health team? Is he on ADs?
It does sound like your life - and in particular your son's - would be better without him.

It is all the more necessary that you start making plans to leave if the situation is as you describe. It won’t get better. You will be left in your rural fastness alone with a declining, angry, abuser who needs round the clock care.

Your son knows this is how his stepdad talks about him. He knows that his stepdad verbally abuses you.

It is not OK. You don’t have to put up with this. Your son deserves better than living with a man who is hostile to him and resents mother-son relationships.

Yes he’s been unwell and that has contributed to the way he is now. Regardless, the fact is that he is now a dreadful partner and you don’t have to stay in a relationship like this.

My STBXH has a weird issue with ‘mothers and their children/sons’ that I find utterly unacceptable. He regularly accused (still accuses) me of being ‘obsessed with’ our DS. The symptoms? Actually talking to DS rather than focusing on STBXH. Giving DS a cuddle when he asks for one. Basically anything which isn’t STBXH being the centre of attention with adoration raining down on him.

It is NOT a sign of a nice or healthy man.

The thing about the ‘should you stand by him decision?’ here is that the OP needs to answer the ‘what do I need to do to protect my son from this abusive man?’ question first.

Her husband is an adult. Her son only has one parent. He needs and deserves his mother to put him first.

I was going to say the same thing. What on earth are you doing staying with this man?

Life changing illness is hard and yes can have mental health effects (Dh and I have both suffered serious illnesses with long term effects). However that does not mean it’s ok to take it out on a child. You say he only says these things to you, that doesn’t mean ds isn’t aware!! How do think ds feels knowing his mum is being treated like this? It will be damaging him even though he’s not showing it. And yes ds will also know the things that are being said about him, how awful 😞

I have a 15 year old ds, I give him lifts everywhere! As you say it’s normal, and we don’t live in the middle of nowhere.

Because we live with him in his house on the promise of a wonderful life. And it was untill now. We relocated during Covid when schools closed. My son loves his school, friends, etc if we left now we would be homeless, we have no where to go. There are other complications in that I run a business that is based at the property too. To disrupt him now in the middle of his exams could be a disaster which is why right now I am trying to hide and moderate the behaviour of OH. I have the GP very involved, they are seeing him weekly, and are aware of everything happening because I audio recorded him one day....... to meet him you would never believe it.
Most days apart from occasionally passing on the stairs they dont even see each other. My son goes to his sisters and GF every other weekend. Hes just as happy at home in his room gaming and playing electric guitar like most tenn boys.

Could you run your business elsewhere? You need to face the fact you are probably going to have to move out. This man’s behaviour may or may not be linked to his stroke but he’s still an alcoholic isn’t he?

I agree.

I feel sorry for your dp that he had a stroke but that's not your ds's problem. I would ask dp to move out

@Unexpectedlysinglemum see the update. Head is in the sand, and OP is dependent on the man to house her.

Ps I agree with you that if you choose to live very rurally you need to provide taxi service especially for an only child at home

My ds is 15, similar location. I still run him around if needed. I love him, I want him to have a good time. Why would I not?

If a man called me or my ds names, or tried to interfere in totally normal loving parenting, he's find himself looking for a new home pretty sharpish.

Tell your partner to mind his own business. And then tell him to leave if he doesn't stop immediately.

OK, so it's his house.

Plan to leave as soon as exams are over. Ducks in a row, ready for July.

Sorry to read this, sounds awful, your OH is being a wanker because he's pissed off from all the illnesses as well as being highly jealous of your DS.

Please protect your DS from his abuse, I'd get rid of him if it was me, your OH that is.

You are nit being unreasonable and he sounds like a bully.
Given all his health issues is he jealous of your sone health and youth?
How does your son feel about it. It must be difficult for him, did he get in well with your partner previously?

Thanks but head is not in sand. His property is my business, I have finances tied to it on contract that i cant get out of for 8 months, things are never so simple as JUST GO are they. Once the contract ends I can withdraw and rehome us.

Of course you are not being unreasonable with how you parent your son.

Does your OH acknowledge that he has changed? Is he trying to change things by talk to someone or tackling his drinking? If he doesn’t then you need to have a frank conversation with him (although from you last update it sounds like you are a bit stuck at least for the next 8 months) that he can’t continue to use you as his mental punchbag just because his life has taken some shit turns.

Life is too short for this -
Partners come and go kids are forever

His lifestyle choices led to most of his health issues.

Leave this man.

Keep doing what you do for your son.

Tell your DP to do one.

8 months is a decent amount of time to plan your exit.

Don’t waiver. Go.

We bought a rural house with simolar logistics as you. We took the view that WE chose the very nice location to benefit us all but it would also be up to both of us to be the taxi service for our 3 children for as long as they needed it as they had had limited choice in the decision to move.
It's really unfair to relocate your children to the sticks and then just tell them to get on with it.
It sounds like the ill health has completely devastated your partner and I can understand his bitterness but it doesn't give him the right to be a complete arsehole. A firm talk is needed, don't let him bully your son or you.