OH Vs Teenage son. AIBU

[TruckerMother]

I am enjoying commenting on threads so it is time to brave my own issue.

OH of 7 years disagrees with how I parent my son. He is the youngest of 4 at 15. The last at home. He is a great kid, have no issues, great peers, works hard at school, gives me no trouble apart from getting him up in a morning....normal teen i think? He can cook his own meals, do his own washing etc.if necessary. His dad died when he was 3.
HISTORY: OH in the last 4 years has had life altering bowel cancer (permanent stoma) Then emergency treatment for sepsis. Then a small stroke. Now new diagnosis of acute AF and Hypertension. He is often sick. Relevance??
Up to the stroke he was a great person, we had lots of fun, hardly anything other than normal family niggles. He is changed. Has turned more to alcohol, was always a heavy drinker. Is now an angry unreasonable man (IMO)
We live in the rural sticks, winding country lanes. 3 miles from the nearest town. Half an hour from the nearest bus stop.
My son either gets the bus to school, I take him to the bus stop or to school, time dependant.. I am the usual mum taxi for leisure activities. Who isn't?

ISSUE. OH thinks he should walk every day half an hour to the bus stop. That for leisure purposes he should walk to the bus stop then get trains? But....he is nasty about it, starts arguments, calls my son names, berates my parenting IE he is lazy, spoilt, I do all but wipe his arse etc. When i say he cant walk half an hour in pouring rain he mocks....Occasionally if I am working my boy does get the bus and walk home. OH thinks i treat him like a baby, i stunt his independence but he has also said in the past that women should not raise boys! That his ex wife was the same with his (adult) son.
OH hated his own mother! Was unloved and packed off to boarding school which he hated so i realise he has major issues......he would not agree at all.
Lat week he gave my son a lift somewhere and the front door was left unlocked. He blamed my son (to me)for not being responsible enough to find a key and lock it. OH had his key, i said *did you ask him to lock it or give him the keys to do it.........this started a massive row in which he has now not spoken to me for days and said many really hurtfull things calling me and my son names, a bad mother etc....

Im a bit lost. He is not the man i met.
AIBU to still parentmy son at 15?
Sorry for long history

Your DH is a prick who is bullying your child. Get the fuck rid of him

Is he open to therapy/counselling? Alone and together?

Seems the catalyst for this are his health issues and alcoholism (let's call it what it is), so if he wanted to, he could improve things for himself, and you as a family.

If he doesn't want to, then it's all pointless and you're stuck with this with no chance of ever improving, in fact odds are that his behaviour will escalate. So you need to start making plans to leave, even if it's not right away.

You need an honest, clear and sensible discussion with him, then decide.

Do you have to live so rurally? Is it your choice to do so or is it something OH wanted?
I'd consider moving somewhere from where DS can be more independent. It's not fair to choose to live half an hours walk from a bus stop and then make Ds do all the walking.
However, moving to a more convenient location might not stop OH from being a cantankerous git.

His property is my business, I have finances tied to it on contract that i cant get out of for 8 months, things are never so simple as JUST GO are they. Once the contract ends I can withdraw and rehome us.

How does this work? What kind of business do you run? Why is it financially tied to his property?

You have made yourself very vulnerable by choosing this without having enough funds to leave the house and rent or buy somewhere for yourself if you needed to.

This is why women should be very well educated not to make themselves dependent on a man - especially not when they have children from a previous relationship. Not to tie their finances up so that they cannot leave without leaving themselves destitute.

You’re not going to leave or do anything to improve this situation for your DS. So what were you hoping to get from posting here? What can MNers do other than advise you that it’s not ok?

We live on his farm and i turned a barn into a holiday let and am contracted to a letting company and i manage it all. This is my main ncome. We were together for 3 years before I moved in. He has been there most his life. He is over 60 Im not far behind. Totally thought this was our forever home and he was the one
Before any one asks if i could move into the barn the answer is no as A. I have bookings until Sept. B. It would breach planning.
I do own property but again it is tenanted which just about covers the mortgage, with a long notice period.
This was supposed to be my happy ending! We have had some fantastic times.

Clearly they are over and im left lining up ducks again.

Well if you set up the barn as a holiday let, and got all the work done on the barn, and have been running the business, then you would be due some money for that if you were to split I would hope? See a solicitor.

People are missing the point that this has all happened since his strike and other medical events. It could be that the stroke has changed him. Or it could be that he has had a massive trauma and he is suffering with mental health repercussions.

He needs to seek help and work on this. If he won't or if he is a different person you can choose whether you wish to be with him anymore or not.

This isn't a step parent issue. This could have happened with a bio parent

Definitely don't think that it's unreasonable to ferry your son about bearing in mind where you live. Do you think that the stroke has changed him? Or was he on his best behaviour initially and the mask has slipped? It's possible that he thinks that he can act this way as you are stuck there because of the business arrangements.

So @TruckerMother, who owns the barn? You get the proceeds of the barn rental - is this set out in a legal contract? If you split, would you still be able to manage the barn?

This is what I'd be wondering too - has he always held these views and now has no filter so feels free to say them?

Sounds like where you live is not ideal for a teen, so I'd definitely be giving him lifts as much as I could to facilitate his education, social life, etc.

So sad for you, but it sounds like you know what you need to do OP

It's horrible when someone has a brain injury and it changes who they are.

You couldn't foresee him having a stroke AND that it would change his personality. You didn't make bad choices.

I think it’s important to repeat this. You made the best decision you could on the information available to you at the time. Now you know more and you have to make new decisions.

I've only read your posts, op, not all the replies.

The way your partner is behaving is obviously unacceptable and needs to stop.

I don't think its necessarily needful to immediately end things with him and I agree with you that his recent traumatic medical history is relevant.

It sounds like he's suffering with PTSD or, if not actual ptsd, then trauma related stress condition. If so, he needs help - therapy & the rest. I would hope that if I were in his shoes, my partner would support me to get treatment and help me through it (clear exceptions to the rule around boundaries & lines that shouldn't be crossed, obviously).

In your shoes, my approach wouldn't be to simply lay down the law & say get sorted or we're gone, although in the course of a discussion I would make it clear that this is the seriousness of the situation. I would ask him how he feels, if he's happy, if he feels like he's straggling etc, in the same way I would ask a friend.

Tell him how different he is and while that it understandable its now got to a point where it can't continue.

He might need a bit of time to process the conversation & issues raised, it could be confronting for him and trigger emotions he's struggling with so if he initially reacts poorly I wouldn't jump to conclusions that that's it, over & done. Give him time to process & cool off, revisit it and reaffirm your position and that you're coming from a place of love & concern for both him & your son.

Then, give him a chance & support him. Doing so will also give you time to put things in place if it doesn't work out and you decide you need to call it a day.

But, presumably you love him and healing from everything he's been through doesn't end with the stitches being taken out. In the meantime, a few ground rules to protect your son while he's gets help are reasonable- and necessary. Eg - don't call him names, don't talk to him like xyz and think before sounding off to you whether what he's feeling is displaced emotion from what he's dealing with.

He needs to learn to identify his emotions and where they're coming from.

Get rid of the OH. Look after your son.