Sad that I never experienced the happy newborn bubble

[PaddingtonBear88]

My sister recently had a baby and I’m really happy for her but I can’t help but feel so sad and jealous that I never had the same blissful newborn bubble that she’s currently experiencing.

My baby had colic, cows milk protein allergy (CMPA), never slept and basically screamed for 6 months until he was properly diagnosed with CMPA. I ended up with crippling PND and PNA. I never got to be one of those mums that sat in cafes with their sleeping baby or go on walks with their baby snoozing in the pram (he hated lying down in the pram). My sister has been out for coffee, visited family and spent a day at a National trust in her first couple of weeks. My anxiety and the amount my baby cried meant I stayed home a lot, for months. He’s a beautiful happy toddler now and I’m so thankful for him, but I still feel a sort of grief for the happy baby days that I never had but longed for. I know it could be so much worse and that I’m still really lucky. But has anyone else ever felt the same or had a similar experience?

Yup the same and I feel anxious around newborns or very pregnant women… hated the first few months colic and lactose allergies, growth problems etc etc I never got to sit and enjoy my baby

But she’s now 19 months and ( still has problems) but is a mostly good sleeper and happy baby girl so I think maybe the toddler face where you get cuddled back is more for me

I'd be jealous in that situation too, and as you say it's a sort of grief being brought up rather than petty jealousy.

I have nothing but admiration for the babies and mums who survive such bad colic! It sounds so so difficult.

I hear you OP. My second was an easy newborn and we took him everywhere. It was a totally and utterly different experience to my first who was similar to yours. I realised why people enjoy having babies with my second. My first was awful and left we mentally unwell.

She will be fighting her own battle with it. I haven't met a single person ever who is in a newborn bubble, no matter what it looks like from the outside or how many nation trusts she visits.

I hear you. I had my third child (husband's first) at the height of the Covid pandemic in 2020. It was an amazing home birth, but I feel robbed of those early days and of my maternity leave.
I think what makes it even more difficult for me is that she was my last so I will never get to experience that special year again.

Yes, I had a similar time to you, mine didn't have cmpa but there were growth issues and the end of pregnancy, then got an infection at birth and we were stuck in hospital without even dad being able to visit, then he had severe silent reflux.

He's three now but I still shudder thinking of that time. All I I remember is crying and absolutely no support because people were all locked away and not wanting to bubble. I think maybe dh and I have some sort of ptsd. I was referred to a charity to help with pnd/pna. But I maintain I didn't have it, I had a really hard situation to deal with snd hot no sleep. As soon as the reflux relented and the screaming subsided began to feel more normal again.

I too feel jealous of people who seem to have a totally different experience to us. Firstly dads being able to attend things, stuff being open for them to actually go to with baby, medical services operating normally, rather than the lax delays we experienced with health visitors because 'covid', family able to visit. And then to top it all they get a baby who hardly cries. Very lucky people!

I have a baby who was fine in cafes, fed well etc but I still felt so sad and overwhelmed, like I was hit by a bus, never got the rush of love, horrid infection post birth. I never relate to the blissful baby bubble stage either and on the outside probably looked fine and had nothing like your problems so I really feel for you

I had one who wouldn’t fall asleep and one who wouldn’t stay asleep. When DC1 was born I had 2 weeks where the first thing I would do was crawl to the bathroom and fall into the bath as it was the only thing that would ease my hundreds of stitches. I dreaded night time as I knew we had hours of screaming ahead of us even though she looked like angel baby during the day. DC2 fell asleep much more easily but then wake constantly through the night so I knew when going to bed that I had a long night of broken sleep ahead of me. Nothing is as perfect as it looks. They are both teenagers now and neither is at home tonight so any sleep problems I might have tonight are nothing to do with them!

I feel where you are coming from and I had a similar experience to you and I shudder when I see a newborn as it takes me back to then. I’d never change my LO but I completely empathise with your feelings xxx

I feel you op. DS was about 10 days old before I had him for the first time, 13 weeks before we came home, then several months back in and out until we went back at 10 months for four months solid. By which point he was 18 months. Second time round I already had a 4 yo, I had twins and COVID hit.

I joke I want a fourth not for a girl but for a decent maternity period!

It's not a "bubble" though, is it? And it's not "blissful". Every new parent is finding their way through things, feeling overwhelmed, panicking that they're doing it wrong, doing it wrong, eventually doing it right, questioning themselves, having long nights and rows in the daytime.

Not to say that your sister doesn't have it easier than you did, but it's not a "bubble" and it's not "blissful", that's your interpretation/fantasy.

Yes. My mum died around 8 weeks before DC1 (her long awaited first GC) was born. It was COVID times so I couldn't be with family or go to groups or get support. There was in-fighting between family members where I was the best go-between but I couldn't help so much with newborn. So much sadness, upset and stress.

DC2 is a few months old and I'm in pain (emotional) but the difference without the stress and grief is substantial.

I'm still not that mum who goes out and finds it easy. I get flustered, am late and panic. It isn't natural to me the way it is to some of my mum friends. It's just not me.

I... don't really understand feeling like you were owed some kind of blissful experience with a baby. Who has a baby expecting bliss? There's love, sure, but also screaming, bodily fluids, sleepless nights, arguments, a huge toll on your body...

I didn't have a blissful experience. Because who does? Nobody. I got a high maintenance baby who cried a lot and slept not very much. Some of the other women in my NCT group got much more chill babies who were much easier sleepers. But I never felt like I'd been robbed of something I was owed. I wasn't owed anything.

I think the problem here is your expectations, which were never realistic.

I had my first DC in lockdown, DH was only allowed in for the birth then wasn’t allowed in to the ward. I had to stay for a few days which were completely by myself with no support from DH, midwives too busy to help and I gave up on breastfeeding as there wasn’t anyone to help. When I came home no one could visit and I couldn’t get out anywhere as everywhere was closed. Then there was the second long winter lockdown, we were zone 4 so no Christmas with family, didn’t see family the whole 4 months of it as they were too far away. I went back to work early as I hated mat leave so much.

I had a terrible time with my firstborn. Severe eczema almost straight away which went on for the first nine months of his life until I got it under control, food allergies when I started weaning which resulted in projectile vomiting, hives etc to the point I was utterly terrified to feed him anything new, viral wheeze that landed him in hospital constantly. I lurched from one crisis to another. But I bonded with him so much in the process of it all. My next two were easy sleepy babies and I got to do all that fun maternity stuff I didn’t with him. Now everything is a bit of a blur anyway. You will get over it in time and forget the baby phase pretty fast. There are so many amazing phases after it.

I didn't have friends or family. Felt lonely and tired all the time. Much better second time around.
The thing is, everyone has different experiences and grass is always greener. You've got a happy toddler. Your dsis might have terrible twos.

Yes, my baby delivered by emergency cs due to her heart condition at 34 weeks.
She stayed in intensive care for six weeks
I left hospital without her and was a nervous wreck.
Visited her every day. Eventually she came home actually on her due date. I was too scared to really enjoy her until she got discharged from the heart clinic at 1 year old.

Ohhh, I totally understand. My son was unwell when he was born so was whisked away to NICU in another hospital and there for 10 days, then when he came home there was loads of appointments and equipment and I didn’t really feel like I got to have any nice chilled time. I’m lucky that he’s 6 months now and fortunately most things are either being treated or watch and wait so it’s all settled down a bit and I’ve got a few months left of maternity to enjoy. But I do sometimes feel like I missed out a bit on those early days- especially the snuggles.

My first was great, so signed up for a second quite quickly. Baby came, constant crying, then lockdown, and of course pnd which no one recognised. I spent a lot of time angry about it, what were meant to be the best days were the worst. I tried to have a 3rd to make up for it. Not happening, so I'm just trying to go through the photos from the baby years and focus on the good moments and accept the situation for what it was. I think we all believe it's going to be wonderful but the reality is quite different, for everyone. I'm sure your sister is having the odd shitty moment here and there.

Dd1 screamed at me for 4 months solid. Then I hoped second dc would be calmer because I was more confident… I had twins! While they were calmer, I never got that lovely bubble either. I’ve decided I’m not a baby person and prefer the older stages.

I don't think I had the newborn baby bubble bliss. And I wonder if anyone truly does?
It's a confusing and overwhelming time. Are you sure your sister is not just putting on a front? Behind closed doors she could be feeling completely different.

@Overthebow Your post really hurts. I totally get it ❤💐

Completely get it. I’ve had two very angry high needs babies and while #1 was hard in lockdown, #2 was horrific (20 month gap, not planned) and it completely trashed my mental health - to this day I’m still on ADs and having regular counselling despite him being nearly 2. I felt so resentful of people sitting in cafes feeding blissed out newborns, and a couple of my good friends are due in the next couple of months and I know those feelings are going to come back.

What I would say is that since eldest was about 2.5 she’s been the light of my life and youngest is getting easier by the day, so I’m aware there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

I don’t wish bad things on the easy baby crew but I know that the people who have had chilled newborns have had their lives turned upside down when the kids have subsequently hit the toddler years and that’s the opposite of my experience - every month with both kids has been the easiest since they were about 6 months and everyone’s journey is their own.

I know it’s hard to see other people loving the newborn stage and I’m not going to lie, there have been times when I’ve longed for a third but I know it’s mostly because I’m chasing that experience (or the hope of it) that I never got to have.

I just think that in a single lifespan there are some things that some will experience and others won’t. But I’m so grateful to have had the experience of children, however it’s happened, when I know others will never get that.

Sorry, it sounds so cliche (and infuriating!) to say ‘count your blessings’ but the only way I’ve made my peace with it is to think about all the ways I’m lucky, rather than comparing my own experience with others. We all have our challenges and for everyone I know who has had an easy baby they’ve had other shit to deal with - crap partners, losing a parent, money worries etc. I wouldn’t want anyone else’s kids, I love mine, and I think the important thing is finding a way to process it and move on. The baby stage is so short.

It’s always easier looking from the outside in. The thing is she’ll have her own issues somewhere along the lines.

I try not to look at others and feel envy at the moment. DC2 is now 12 weeks home, after 8 weeks in NICU. I enjoy where I am. I wish with all my heart that it had been “normal” maternity period but thats how things are.

It's fine to feel sad about it.