Sad that I never experienced the happy newborn bubble

[PaddingtonBear88]

My sister recently had a baby and I’m really happy for her but I can’t help but feel so sad and jealous that I never had the same blissful newborn bubble that she’s currently experiencing.

My baby had colic, cows milk protein allergy (CMPA), never slept and basically screamed for 6 months until he was properly diagnosed with CMPA. I ended up with crippling PND and PNA. I never got to be one of those mums that sat in cafes with their sleeping baby or go on walks with their baby snoozing in the pram (he hated lying down in the pram). My sister has been out for coffee, visited family and spent a day at a National trust in her first couple of weeks. My anxiety and the amount my baby cried meant I stayed home a lot, for months. He’s a beautiful happy toddler now and I’m so thankful for him, but I still feel a sort of grief for the happy baby days that I never had but longed for. I know it could be so much worse and that I’m still really lucky. But has anyone else ever felt the same or had a similar experience?

Give it up. Sure, I'd have loved that too but my DD was in NICU. My sister would have loved to have a normal child but hers is severely autistic and will never live independently. I'd love that my husband could see our kids grow up but he died. when they were 4 and 6.
Be grateful for what you have.

Im in a similar boat, feel like I’ve been robbed of the newborn bubble. I had a great first 3 weeks then I was told I had cancer. So I’ve had months of operations and treatment, leaving DS with anyone who could watch him. Not really the maternity leave I expected, and now this week is my last week before I should be back at work. I agree with the pp who said ‘count your blessings’ because as twee as it is I count mine. I’m finally on the other side, healthy ish and getting some extra time off work to spend with my DS.

I understand this feeling completely. DC1 was tongue tied so I was following some insane feeding regime that gave me about an hour to sleep between feeds 24/7. She was absolutely wired and would stay awake for 6/7 hours at a time unless we spent an hour in a blacked out room settling her. I was so anxious and depressed and ended up on sertraline.
I just had DC2 who can breastfeed and sleeps normally. I spent the first week of his life sobbing every time something came up that reminded me of that first experience. I can only describe it as a grief. It took me ages to bond with DC1 because I was having such a hard time whereas with DC2 I had a straight forward birth and fell in love inmediately. I feel so guilty.

OMG I could've written this. My baby was the same and I hated my life back then (not ashamed to say it, I was very depressed from all the crying). My cousin has had her baby and he just sleeps sleeps sleeps and it looks sooo easy and I do get slightly jealous I missed out on that. But then I do have a very intelligent joyful little toddler now so I have a lot to be grateful for.

I'm sorry this has happened to you but other people are allowed to feel emotions as well even if it's not something as "bad"

I understand. DD2 was premature and her early days saw us in and out of hospital, first for her health issues then for mine. She had colic, and my maternity leave felt like endless buggy walks while she screamed. It really wasn’t a good time for me, and I felt so sad that I wasn’t bonding with her the way I’d been able to with DD1.

She’s nearly three now, and what I can say is that it really doesn’t matter at all. You have a lifetime to spend together, and the bond you build as they get bigger matters so much more than the first few weeks when they’re mostly asleep anyway. Try not to dwell on what you can’t change, there’s so much more to come.

This might make you chuckle. We took DD out with us for a Pizza Hut 2days after I left hospital so she would have been around a week old. DD was an angel and we were both so in love with her and each other. People commented on how sweet she was and well behaved and how I looked fresh etc. how helpful DP was carrying her car seat but they didn't know I couldn't. we apparently looked like we had it all together but I only looked fresh because I was 24, the moment we got home she screamed incessantly for hours and didn't stop for about two years, unless we were out in public. We had the running joke that we would pay for it later. She then started playing up in public too.

Yes I feel the same. My ds is now a teenager and I still feel guilty for the way I felt when he was a baby. He had colic and was never slept. I really struggled and as a result suffered with PND for around a year after. I really didn't enjoy the newborn stage and I feel really guilty for it.

Just wanted to say I totally get where your coming from. And it's okay to feel that way.

It's not the entirely same thing but my first was such an easy baby (sounds abit like your sisters) my second however.... ive been through jt.

very colicy and has reflux like yours literally couldnt put him down for the first few months he was such an unhappy baby due to the discomfort. At times i felt so isolated as like you it really put me of going anywhere or doing anything.

I'm glad you've got a happy little toddler now.

“He’s a beautiful happy toddler now”

This is what you need to focus on. I do understand as my first had allergies and even on the prescription milk vomited ever day till he turned two. I also know lots of people with easy babies who really struggled when their dc started moving around and forming their own opinions. I think everyone finds one stage difficult so you won’t be jealous of your sister for ever.

From the outside it looked like I had a lovely newborn bubble. We were out for coffee a lot, walks, baby massage, national trust once a week. In reality I couldn’t stand to be at home. So I went out. All the time. Even when SMP kicked in and finances were tight or when it was freezing or when I was bored of everywhere. I walked 4 miles in the rain once with DC crying in the pram the entire way but I couldn’t afford a class, was bored of the national trust site and needed to just get out of the house. Another time I drove an hour to go to a RSPB reserve, get the buggy stuck in stand and spend £5 on the worst sandwich I’ve ever eaten but at least I got out. I posted on the library thread yesterday that the library saved my sanity when I was on maternity leave and I mean it. I went to the tiny village library a couple of times a week because it was free, a 40 minute walk there, it was warm, I could spend as long as I wanted there and it was next to a shop so I could kill another 10 minutes or so before having to go back home.

I tried to breastfeed and ended up triple feeding. DC had reflux and would scream for hours and hours straight. I hated being stuck in the house (and still do sometimes). Sometimes the thought of going home was horrible, it sometimes felt like was a big, swirling black hole. My maternity leave looked great but it wasn’t. I think very few people actually have that newborn bliss.

I feel that way about people who had a cozy family unit with a loving partner and the new born (ex left me at 8 months pregnant)

I read your title and before opening the post thought “CMPA / reflux baby”

This was us as well. It’s absolutely traumatic! I struggle to even look at pictures from the first few months as I find it so distressing. Those early days are definitely a form of trauma.

No answer as to how to get over it other than time is a healer. 💖

I understand what you mean but do think you've romanticised the early days a little.

Ask your sister how she is doing. And listen, really listen.

Some people do have easier babies, for sure, but it's never actually blissful.

The feelings you have described unfortunately dominate so many of my thoughts and I need to get past it. I was so looking forward to being a mum and stupidly thought I was prepared and would be good at. My baby was also diagnosed with a tongue tie, eczema and reflux. He screamed absolutely incessantly until around 9 months. There were very few moments I enjoyed and locked myself up because was so ashamed that I looked like I couldnt cope because he was so unsettled and thought people would say it was something I was doing wrong. Especially with the "anxious mums lead to anxious babies" brigade who attribute screaming babies to anxiety rather than a screaming child makes you feel anxious. I am so grateful that I am a mum and love my toddler to bits but I do still get very tearful 18months down the line when I see mums with their babies just cooing in the pram or happily looking around in cafes, shops etc. I never experienced a single enjoyable outing until after 9 months. I know everyone has their own problems but it really is so hard putting all the effort in and getting very little bonding opportunity back as you are anxiously pacing around praying your baby will settle and find an answer for what is wrong. I have frequently considered another to chase the "standard" newborn experience but it would be insane and selfish to have another child for those reasons. I try to be grateful for what I have - a healthy child and both of us got threw the other side but it was such an unbelievably dark and scary time in my life. You are most definetely not alone with this

Oh behave, stop comparing you’re struggles with OP.

OP has clearly expressed he guilt for how she is feeling, she’s been through enough without you making her feel worse.

I very much doubt you’d be so passive aggressive in real life!

I agree with this,we all have different experiences.
Good and bad.
I had a partner who offered me no comfort,abused me,wound me up deliberately then blamed me. I felt lonely.

I was on my own from 7am-7/9pm most weekdays.

Make the most of what you do have, so that you have loads of happy memories to balance the crap memories-that's what I do.

I love this. I am going to focus on that last part of your post when I plan anything with my little one. Such a nice way to think of it to balance out the bad bits

By the way ,I wasn't comparing to OP,I was empathising, because I have often looked at others and thought they have it all together and lots of supportive people around them.

It sounds really tough having a baby with feeding problems ,I can under the worry and tiredness.

Well here I am feeling jealous that you have a happy toddler and everything’s great now. Opposite for me. The toddler stage is awful! 😆😑 maybe she’s enjoying the baby stage but there will be a time when things aren’t so easy, parenting is so hard for everyone, and different stages hit different for all of us. With my first I really struggled with the newborn stage and I didn’t understand mums who were so happy and glowing because I was miserable and a mess, my second was an absolute dream baby and I was so happy in that bubble. Take the good times and enjoy them, you’ve had your rough patch, she will have hers.

I feel exactly the same. I had a traumatic birth and then months of reflux, colic and CMPA. I absolutely hated it and at that time, if I could somehow conjure up someone who I could guarantee would love him as much as I did, I'd have given him up to them in an instant

I have a toddler now and absolutely adore him and my time with him but I do resent that I missed out. I feel distrustful of doctors and I feel angry at the people around me who didn't believe me.

It’s so hard, I had two brilliant babies. But both pregnancies were ruined by my ex, who domestically abused me and when I asked him to leave he continued coercive behaviour towards me. Ruined being a mum.
I met a wonderful man had my second baby but this was over shadowed by continue stress and worrying my ex was causing me knowing I was pregnant again just to keep control over me.
I hate that I never told to enjoy my little babies like I should have. But I’m grateful I get to be a mum and that I’ve healed from my DV and I am happy now.

My daughter spent the first 3 weeks of her life in hospital. A week after she came home my husband was diagnosed with cancer. I didn’t get that typical newborn time either. Due to my husband’s treatment we can’t have anymore children.

I never had a good time with my first. A huge part of it was also family drama and issues that really affected my PND. When I look back I don’t even remember being or feeling like a mum. I don’t think I have any “happy” memories before 9 months and it shows in the photo albums as I never took any photos with her at all (but lots of photos of her).

The only way I can compensate those feelings is reminding myself of the relationship I have with her now. Which many people compliment and I couldn’t have imagined being so close to her 10+ years later and throughout early childhood and beyond.

It has left me very nervous about having more children and very worried that I’ll go back to that place again.