No family support

[LilBus]

Anyone else have no help from family at all? Before I start I do not expect it, just when you read threads on here it reminds you how much support others have. Aimed at those with living parents, does anyone else have no child care help from family?

How old is LO? Mine didn't do baby sitting or overnights but did have them one day a week when I went back to work.

They wouldn’t have them at all no matter what circumstances so just wondering if it’s just me that doesn’t have bags of family support that some seem to have on mumsnet

I don't understand- are u living with parents? If so that in itself is a lot of support.

No sorry if that wasn’t clear I meant parents that are alive I posted this elsewhere and everyone that comment said their parents had passed so no help so trying to aim this at people whose parents haven’t passed away sorry didn’t realise it wasn’t clear.

I don't have any family support. I'm estranged from my side due to an abusive childhood and my In laws - as lovely as they are - live 160 miles away. I have 2 kids and make it work. Dh is great and I have sone amazing mum friends. I am truly happy.

You’re not alone, we don’t have any family support either and all grandparents are very much alive. It’s a completely different situation to those whose parents have died as they’re alive and well but just don’t want to be around and help. We don’t need actual childcare, we pay for our own and wouldn’t expect it, I’d just like my DC to see them more than once every couple of months and maybe they could take them out or babysit sometimes to give us a break.

Yes exactly it’s a different story knowing they are 10 minutes away but don’t want to see their grandchildren or be involved or help out if they know their child is struggling, pretty different situation to those whose parents have passed away but I do understand that is difficult but it’s the knowing they don’t care / don’t want to be involved

Sadly some parents are just shit. Thinking of you "D"M who didn't want to look after me as a baby. I had zero expectations of her stepping up once I had DC.

What were they like when you were younger? Has there been a change or have they always been like this?

Having a baby can be challenging if you've not had the best parents growing up. Once I had my first I found it even harder to understand how my "D"M had managed to be so bloody bad at being a Mum herself.

If you're finding things hard is there a Homestart in your area. Sometimes you can get a volunteer to come for a couple of hours a week

No my mum was a great mum growing up I guess that’s what makes it harder but she feels she “did her time”

My parents give more support like bringing any supplies I need, food etc which is v appreciated. I would love them to just take baby for 30 mins walk in pram though to give me a break. I think they like the idea of giving me time off but perhaps lack the confidence and/or energy to actually do it.

I do hear of my peers having childcare arrangement like 2 days by GPs and 2 days in nursery etc. I don’t know if these are willing GP or feel pressured into it.

anyway it’s good to know now what to expect as it will play a part in whether having a second child will be too much without that support

My parents are the same op. They don't ever look after them or have them overnight. Ds is 13 this year and dd is 5 shortly.

None at all. I work really hard on my friendships so I do have some support.

Nothing at all. But my parents were dead before DH and I had kids and his mum was out of the picture. We managed just fine.

There's me and DH, and we don't have any other childcare support other than what we pay for.

Our situation is perhaps a bit different though, in that we knew we wouldn't have family support day to day. Our families are quite spread out around the world. We have some elderly relatives nearby, but I'd never expect them to do anything with DC other than give them a hug and enjoy short visits.

I suppose I've never known or expected a different set-up, so while it seems absolutely fine to me, I can see how it might feel different if you have close family nearby who could help but prefer not to.

I didn't have. My ex left me and our 3 under 5’s for his OW… saying ‘family life is not fair me’ ...and my parents chose to move abroad!

No choice but to get on with it!

Yes of course I manage no choice but to just that it would be nice to have some support! Just wondered how many others were in the same situation.

I'm NC with all of my family, and DH's family live abroad. We visit PILs once a year and they visit us, but they're old and in ill health so they've never looked after dcs on their own.

I'm pretty content with it really. I'm a sahm and DH can be flexible, eg take time off at short notice or wfh. For medical/dental appointments for me, DH will look after our toddler. I don't do any non-essential appointments like hairdresser or nails though. We don't have date nights as I don't feel comfortable using paid ad-hoc childcare until the dcs are older.

I don't have any child-free time - my youngest is with me all the time, and my eldest is at school but the rest of the time with me. But I'm happy with that, our lives revolve around them and my youngest will be in pre-school in September. And tbh I like to keep my dcs stimulated and entertained and take them to interesting places, and I think I do a better job of it than either set of GPs.

Zero support here. My mum is dead, my dad is in his 80s. In laws live hours away. Dh and I both work full time. We have 2 kids, youngest is 2.

I'm extremely jealous of those with family support! Dh and I are bloody exhausted. We make a great team though, that's how we make it work. And a big age gap, so we don't have 2 very young children at the same time

Dd is 13 in a few days and ds is 21 in a few weeks and we’ve never had any help off anybody. My dd said recently that she’s never even been upstairs in one of her nan’s houses ( dp’s mum, his dad passed away ) and I have divorced parents both re-married who showed little to no interest when they were little and wonder why they’re not close now.

ive got used to it now, it still hurts and believe me I would’ve loved a break at times but I think it’s their loss. I made a promise to myself that If I become a grandparent one day I will be a lot more hands on and available.
sad thing is that I was extremely close to all my grandparents as a child and an adult until I lost them all and wish my kids could have experienced that too.

Not quite the same as my mum will help with the children sometimes and they have a good relationship with her. She won’t have a thing to do with them if they’re poorly though. But their other 3 Grandparents are utterly useless and my dad even lives next door haha! Dad will play with them outside briefly on occasion but couldn’t be trusted to look after them ever, he was never involved with us as children either. OH’s mum I find difficult as she uses Facebook to claim she’s the world’s greatest Nan yet makes no effort with the kids whatsoever. She’s told me she can’t visit them after work as she needs to cook tea. She sees her daughters children weekly and has them over for weekends although is prone to lying and will tell us she doesn’t get to see them, there was a really awkward moment a few years ago where she said this in front of my kids cousins and the one child dropped her right in it by saying what she said wasn’t true and that she goes round most days after school haha! I think it annoys me more as her grandchildren aren’t treated equally at all. My children have no bond with OH’s parents at all. OH isn’t very hands on with the kids (although better with the bigger 2 now they aren’t babies) when the baby cries I get called and informed she’s crying haha! It’s hard work when it all falls on your shoulders but I keep trying to remind myself that one day I will very much miss the chaos that is my life currently

No GPs lived anywhere near us, so we did it all
on our own. My mum was a great mother, but she was quite clear that she was done after raising her own kids and wouldn’t be doing much in the grandchildren department. My kids were grandkids #s 24, 25 and 27.

I find small Kids exhausting nowadays, so I don’t know if I’ll have the energy for much helping if I have grandkids.

We have no family support whatsoever.

When DS was born nobody other than my DH did a single thing to assist, not even make me a cup of tea.

GP all live locally but appear to believe that because they have already “done” the GP stuff for their now much older GC that they have somehow passed that phase and don’t need to do it again.

PIL virtually brought up one of their GC yet wouldn’t have our DS for even a couple of hours. My DP still treat their other GC who is now in their 20’s as if he’s a dependant. They buy him cars, holidays, give him an allowance etc. My DS who is 2 is lucky to receive a birthday card.

I think they’re like it because we were older parents who had lived together for nearly 20 years before DS was born so they assume we are all set up and not in need of any support.

We asked once if they could help when nursery was shut for the day and we needed to work. From their reaction you would have thought we were asking if they could legally adopt our DS!

In the end I had to WFH accompanied by a toddler.

Yes you're not alone OP. Both sets of grandparents live a long way away so we have no day to day help and no help in an emergency or a day when eg child can't go to nursery for whatever reason. In theory I think they'd like to help but the reality is when they only see our young children a couple of times a year the kids don't want to be left with them when they do visit as they are not much more than strangers. Plus both mothers have physical health issues that mean they can't pick even the baby up so they are limited in what they realistically can do. The fathers could pick them up but have less affinity for young children I guess. We manage by being a real good and flexible team and paying for nursery. I feel very lucky to have my DH and think single parents without family support must feel so exhausted.

But are you saying you are estranged from your parents, and you never call to see them with your children, or that they are happy to visit and be visited but won’t look after your children for you?

DS is 10. No family support at all. Geographically a long way away and my mother not very interested in him really. Different story when he was doing a hobby she had an interest in but he's stopped doing that temporarily so she's gone quiet again.