No family support

[LilBus]

Anyone else have no help from family at all? Before I start I do not expect it, just when you read threads on here it reminds you how much support others have. Aimed at those with living parents, does anyone else have no child care help from family?

We don’t go there at all now I’ve backed off as it was difficult watching her have my nieces all the time but little to no interest in mine and no she never visits here we use to go there but I’ve stopped bothering as no effort back.

I have no physical or emotional support and before XH left it was actually worse as he used to watch me struggle, never make a decision and criticise if it went wrong.
It does get easier, OP.

I had no family support. Absolutely none. It was extremely difficult as our youngest had some health issues. I actually ended up having a breakdown from sheer exhaustion. Still my in laws (my parents had passed) didn't offer any help and if we asked they'd be too busy. Busy looking after sil kids full time so she could work. Dh did bring the unfairness up with them once when our dc was once again left out of a day trip with dil and kids that they tried to keep secret. Nothing changed and we were not going to beg, we just backed off. Saw them when we had to.

I'm now a grandparent. There's not a week goes by where one of the dc need a favour like school pick up, babysitting for their appointments etc. it's half term so I'm sure I'll be collecting some of them (I have 7!) to come play at my house so my dc get a break. Plus I just like having them. But I don't do regular childcare. I used to for my elder two but as more grandchildren have arrived it started to become unfair. I couldn't look after ones kids without the others. It was causing friction so I stopped. I didn't want the same situation as my in laws where you end up feeling like there's favourites.

My adult dc now have literally no relationship with their grandparents because let's face it you reap what you sow with children and they made no effort to spend time with them as littles ones. It's also affected their relationship with their cousins as there's resentment there. The favouritism splintered the family really.

It gets easier op x

I had loads of support. My mum looked after my son so I could return to work full time and my ex whilst a dreadful husband was a great dad in the early days. My parents had my son overnight occasionally too. Before I had a child I helped my sister at weekends too. There was other wider family support too.

But the truth now in my 50's is that I really wouldn't want to look after any grandchildren my son might have, particularly not day care. I imagine ad hoc babysitting would be nice but I would never commit to anything regular. I'm just not maternal in the way my mum was.

Childcare is great if grandparents want to do it but should no way be expected. If you offer ad hoc babysitting I’m sure your DC would be delighted, just be upfront about it when the time comes. I’d love my parents to do some babysitting but unfortunately they aren’t really involved much.

We didn’t, both sets lived hundreds of miles away. Husband worked away from home too. The kids are adults now and have turned out well.

I would imagine that’s a very common situation now.

I'm a single parent, no siblings and my parents are dead, so I have no one. It's a tough life tbh but I'm making the best of it that I can because I don't have any other choice

I think it is severely underestimated how important and life changing family support is when you have children. My in laws live close by and have looked after DC for one day a week since I returned to work. They have also helped in emergency situations with last minute childcare. We deliberately don’t ask much more of them but they regularly offer to help in school holidays with oldest DC.

I have a friend who has support from both of her families, both with childcare during working hours and overnight stays so that she can have 1:1 time with their DH. I also have a friend with zero family support and in times of crisis she has had to ring around and beg for last minute childcare from neighbours. It is very hard for her.

I definitely understand your disappointment OP at your mum not being more hands on. Especially as she sounds like she was a good mum when you were younger. I think there is a balance that can be struck. It’s fine to feel like you’ve “done your time” but to absolve yourself completely does feel cruel. Even if regular help cannot be offered, to know you’ve got a safety net for extenuating circumstances is so valuable.

My children are adults now but my parents lived hundreds of miles away and my DH's were elderly though we visited them. Never any family support and I'm glad as I wouldn't really have paid the emotional price of living closer to my parents and (more specifically) wider family.

I was a WOH parent initially then later a registered childminder, taking back my mindee 2 weeks after giving birth to my 3rd so very used to managing alone. SEN too.

I never expected family support or any support, just got on with it really. It was easier than managing difficult relationships.

Those who have support are people who live in a different world to me but of course is the ideal I guess

I was a single mum with no support.

As in if I'd died they wouldn't have noticed.

I became so fiercely independent I've become quite a difficult person to be around.

You learn to have safety plans in place and have a life where you go places you can take a child.

I lost all my friends who didn't want to go to child friendly places.

I made friends with other mums to babysit swap.

But I did find that family help can become more forthcoming once children get to an interesting or helpful age. Eg age 8-10.

I don't have much and my mother lives very close to me. Mother is not "able" to help. takes the kids couple evenings for 1 hour I get to have a cup tea... and then we see her 1 day a week where I get no respite as I'm still doing the usual and then she wants weekends to herself which is the only time I could ever have with husband to do things or home improvements. Its really difficult as a special needs family too. I am currently trying to process it all mentally its been a very hurtful situation.

also wanted to add that inlaws don't live close and are not really in our lives either, plenty time for their other grandkids though school pick ups over nights etc My kids wouldn't stay with them even if it was an option. I also have no friends.

Two children, no support other than the first few days after each birth. Family hundreds of miles away. Paid for every bit of childcare I ever needed and have no sympathy for those who have children assuming family members will look after them for free.

My parents and inlaws lived 200 miles either way from us when we had children, plus were early 70s.

We had no support but a group of us set up a babysitting circle. We paid a local teenager as they got older.

No family support here. I’m estranged from one parent who walked out when I was 13, and the other lives abroad. DP’s parents are down the road but old and of little practical help. It’s just us, cobbling it together with 2 small kids. My life is very stressful.

Never had any real help with our two boys - we live a good 150/200 miles from parents so we were on our own, as it were.

Came with its own benefits, though...

Like what out of interest? Not sure what benefits it can have?

Yes it is especially when they bother with other grandkids like your in-laws that's my own mother constant pictures of her other grandkids on her WhatsApp of days out and sleep overs but doesn't bother with mine I've had to hide her now as was finding it to upsetting

Yep same, my dp are not suitable for babysitting, and my oh dp just don’t want to, they helped a lil when I was in hospital but clearly didn’t want to according to Oh. Anytime I have asked I have been let down so don’t bother anymore, makes me sad for my kids not having grandparents who want to spend time with them but hey ho.

I don't have any support either. It's tough. You're not alone!

No support here, they are local they just aren’t interested in our kids at all, even when they visit its like the kids don’t exist to them. i Have a 2 y/o and 5 y/o. We have had one night away in 5 years which was our wedding night and my sister who lives hours away had our eldest 😂

Both of our parents and most siblings live on the other side of the world so no practical help. We can’t even afford to see them very often due to high flight costs and difficulties travelling 36 hr+ (them getting older and finding it hard to travel and us with a toddler and no spare cash).

Reading this thread because I also have no support from family and looked on here to see who else is a similar boat. I don’t expect it all and pay full time nursery for childcare I just miss the relationships she may miss out on with grandparents etc too but she has her parents!

I have an older teen and a young toddler, we have no family support at all. The only family we have left are the other side of the country. Both sets of parents have passed on.
You just have to get on with things and muddle through best you can. Not much else you can do unless you have the money for child-care or extra help.

You're not alone ! My mum is committed to looking after my sister's children twice a week and so can't commit to looking after our one year old. She doesn't volunteer to come over to see him, always me making the effort to take him to see her, and yes I'm shocked really when I think about it, and don't understand how she can look after my sister's kids and not be interested in my child. Sometimes I think she secretly hates me haha and I just have had to accept it and get on with just myself and my husband. Even when I had a back spasm and could barely lift him I still got no offers of help. But yes, it has caused a few tears for me and sleepless nights. But have to just get on and her loss !