My DD is hitting me everyday

[Issue46]

My six-year-old is hitting me each day. She gets mad at the smallest of things and then hits me violently. She bites, screeches, screeches my face. She’s doing the same to my DH. She’s an angel at school and lovely to her friends. She has a friendly friendship group with no issues there. We talk about it afterwards- she says she doesn’t know why she does it. We talk about the zones of regulation. We have even seen a play therapist - yet to get her advice. She eats ok; she goes to bed in good time.
I am mentally exhausted from walking on eggshells with her being hit daily. It could be due to school - she's one of the youngest.
We could get her assessed, but at the cost of £5k, we are unsure what use it is. Our friends just did it, and while it gave them a diagnosis, it didn’t offer any help on how to manage the behaviour. Equally the school won’t do much as both kids behave perfectly at school and don’t exhibit any behavioural problems. The therapist equally said she’s far too young to get assessed.

Help.

Maybe you need to video her on the sly?

Do you mean to show her afterwards? Or?

Sorry you’re experiencing this. So it is not global behavioural as she moderates herself at school and socially? To both parents aroused in mood. I know this will sound counter intuitive she feels safe enough to vent and be aggressive & frustrated to you both and unfortunately does so.

sometimes it’s (understandably) easy to get caught up in the bad behaviour and respond to that. Inadvertently not praising all the times she’s great
Praise and big up all good behaviour really reinforce and reward
Minimise and remove yourself when she’s aggressive. Firmly say No and exit. No big dialogue, no why and what’s .

praise her good behaviour
keep reward chart and reward the good
minimise and ignore the bad

out of interest what are you seeking an assessment of? What do you think is going on

No, dreadful idea. Covert filming,wouldn't do it to an adult don’t do it to a child

Getting her assessed for what?

I have 2 boys with autism and they’ve had their meltdowns at home but at no point did I EVER allow them to hit us. That is my absolute non negotiable.

what are the consequences for her aggression? Do you remove yourself from her when she’s aggressive? Do you give her a very firm, loud NO!

A friend suggested testing for autism. I think every child we know in north London has been tested for autism. That’s what I meant.
I remove myself, but she follows me around. We say no - it’s ok to be angry but not to hit. We try to stop her, but she’s just too enraged. She calms down eventually and says she’s sorry. But the same thing will happen again and again and again and again.

Don't let her hit you OP

You remove yourself. Calmly say NO .You don’t talk to her. No dialogue. She follows you take her to another room,tell her to sit down and stay sat down

My 7 year old son sounds similar. We've wondered about autism too but not done anything about it yet. I know what you mean about every kid getting tested for autism. That's partly what makes me think it isn't that 😅

Good at school/bad at home is classic autistic/ADHD presentation in girls. School is probably incredibly stressful for her, so they should be aware of your concerns.

Speak to school and explain the home behaviour, they might be able to mitigate some of the more stressful moments in her day. Reduce demands at home so that she can simmer down in a calm environment. Keep activities etc. to a minimum, just give her lots of time to recover from her day.

I don’t know how to say this - I feel ashamed that my child hits me, and I am unable to stop her. I do feel like the world's shittiest mother, as I can’t explain to her that the hitting is not ok. She keeps on doing it. She says she can’t help herself or control herself.

Practicably what’s that even mean?OP is adult, her upset child is physical aggressive what are you suggesting she does? Retaliate?Dont Let is not the issue here. Op is in control. The child is not. It’s about managing and creating a way for child to express emotions & frustration without physical aggression

Please don't feel ashamed - although I do understand this emotion in relation to the situation. It's so hard. I am actually a clinical psychologist and I can't sort this situation out for myself so I feel like a shit parent and a shit psychologist 😅 in fairness I don't work with kids but still....

It is a sign of strong emotions going on inside her. Does she love you, say she loves you, is she kind to you when she does not hit?

Your child feels safe to act out,knowing you’ll not retaliate. You’ve created a safe environment where she pushes boundaries. That make you a good parent. fact is your want to resolve this , also makes you good parent. Shame is a very primal and unconscious reaction that is hard to control it overwhelms one

Thank you. I think the school is too stressful for her, and the “home learning” isn’t helping. This is causing a lot of stress for everyone. I am considering pulling her out of that school and taking her private. But I don’t want her to be in a pressured environment of a north London private school. I did find one friendly and caring private school, so I am hoping this is the way forward.

Hitting is never right.
I've seen children do it, even one of our grandchildren tried it on when they were about 6. Intially we were all too soft with him, es[ecially us the grandparents, but then we had to put our foot down. His dad agreed a contract with his, EG if the chidl did this or not do that, child would get less tv, treats, etc etc - it took a few weeks but it worked for us

It wont work for everyone but as a bystander watching our grandchild interact with his mum and dad, too often before the playing into hitting ad then playing - we all agreed clear cut lines between play and what is ot right

Another idea was "do you do it to your teacher." The answer is no, so why do to us

I thik many children go through these stages, but it is hard work and often a mother's heart as well of the grandparents is too soft but going along with it is not the right way

At times people need to seek outside help, advice but most children will stop

Btw, we also noted our grandkid got hyper after sugary treats - so his dad/mum us gave him a game of indoor footy or wrestling and then move onto something he wanted to do, bite to eat, tv, a bit of studying - we are all different but the sooner we act the better

OP, this is going to sound very random, but you might want to trial cutting gluten out for a few weeks. My son (5yo) was as you describe (and worse in terms of the violence), regular outbursts but model pupil at school. The change since we dropped gluten is significant. We have also had him assessed for autism, but made this change since then and are no longer as convinced he has ASD. Feel free to PM me if you want more info. I promise hand on heart that we're not lentil weaving antivax hippies!

Second this OP.
Record her several times and show that to the GP.
If you do get her assessed, then also to the psychologist or specialist you'd be seeing.

She’s normally loving and will say sorry afterwards.

Not the point of the thread, but I cannot understand (and get mildly annoyed by) people saying "don't let her hit you" . No one "lets" someone hit them. When you're dealing with an emotionally charged situation, especially neurodiversity and disregulation in a child, you can only react and consider preemptive strategies after they have calmed down. Or are you suggesting that the OP run away/around the house??

This is really interesting!

Dreadful idea. It’s shaming, won’t change behaviour and a child won’t learn to stop because it’s being filmed. You need to understand the trigger and causes and act upon that. Filming and showing is really destructive
A clinician doesn’t need to see they’ll believe your parental account

What you're saying is all pretty standard parenting. The problem comes when the hitting is way worse than the average kid's temper tantrum and the child just does not respond to standard behaviour management strategies. I appreciate you're trying to help, but nothing OP is describing sounds like being a bit stricter would make a difference.

My DS was the same, he used to go all out violent (kicking, hitting, screaming, punching, biting, pulling glasses off our faces, scratching) and then when he had calmed down he'd be all sweetness and light and saying he loves me and I'm the best in his life. And he could never explain why he was angry either.