My DD is hitting me everyday

[Issue46]

My six-year-old is hitting me each day. She gets mad at the smallest of things and then hits me violently. She bites, screeches, screeches my face. She’s doing the same to my DH. She’s an angel at school and lovely to her friends. She has a friendly friendship group with no issues there. We talk about it afterwards- she says she doesn’t know why she does it. We talk about the zones of regulation. We have even seen a play therapist - yet to get her advice. She eats ok; she goes to bed in good time.
I am mentally exhausted from walking on eggshells with her being hit daily. It could be due to school - she's one of the youngest.
We could get her assessed, but at the cost of £5k, we are unsure what use it is. Our friends just did it, and while it gave them a diagnosis, it didn’t offer any help on how to manage the behaviour. Equally the school won’t do much as both kids behave perfectly at school and don’t exhibit any behavioural problems. The therapist equally said she’s far too young to get assessed.

Help.

Did he improve with time?

What are the triggers @Issue46 ?

No, but please look at my post above about cutting out gluten - he's a changed child!!!! Still not the easiest kid to parent but it's not taking over our lives anymore.

My DD did this at that age. It's easy for others to say don't let her hit you, it's non negotiable etc etc, but if they follow you it's not always possible to stop it. Mine would do it on the walk home from school, whilst I was laden with school bags, coats etc. I would walk away, but she would run after me and hit harder. Save physically restraining her in public there was no way to get her to stop, and believe me there is no one in authority (school, children's services etc) willing to agree that physical restraint is OK! So I found myself rushing home, with her in hot pursuit launching thumps and kicks at me from behind. It was absolutely awful.

At age 8 she was diagnosed with autism. But before this school put in place 5 minute body movement breaks a few times through the day, most importantly one at the end of the day. This would involve something energetic such as throwing down a ball hard on the ground or hitting a ball with a tennis racket repeatedly to let out any pent up energy or frustration from the day. Things VASTLY improved at that point.

So I'd advise speaking to the school to see if they could put anything similar in place.

Homework mainly. After a long day at school. Coming home after a day out - or after school. It's way worse when both DH and I are around—much better behaved with only one of us around.

Kindly, this is not helpful. My DC has violent meltdowns and just because your autistic children don't hit you, it doesn't mean that every autistic or ND child doesn't. My non-negotiable was violence but unfortunately you have to deal with what you deal with.

OP, have you looked into therapeutic approaches? PACE?

I did PM you. Thank you.

Look up NVR parenting, see if that might work for you.

Been there, got the T-shirt. For my family once needs were identified and properly met at school the violence at home stopped.

Talk about it with school. They need to know how much she must be masking and the toll it is having on you and her. Keep on at them.

I’ve no idea how people expect you to just make her stop hitting you. This is not a simple problem that can be solved by firmer boundaries. The route of the problem needs to be addressed.

No, a diagnosis isn’t going to instantly solve all the problems. You will then need to push for the adjustments she needs. You may possibly need to apply for an EHCP. Things will likely get worse not better. She may stop being violent towards you as she ages but other issues will emerge - school refusal, self harm etc.

In the meantime let her decompress when she gets home. No homework, no chores, no questions or forced conversations. Make sure she’s not hungry. Give her opportunities to physically regulate after school - heavy work, deep pressure, swinging, rocking etc

Physical restraint is not acceptable??!! FML!!! I would sit down behind him and hold his arms tightly and also put my leg over his legs to stop him kicking me. Is that really not OK??? Or do you mean proper restraining along the lines of what the police do???

Thank you. I will do that. After getting a diagnosis, what helped you and your DD?

You haven't answered the question about what the consequence is for her when she hits you. You said you remove yourself from the situation - that's your counter to her hitting but what is actually the consequence for her. Surely you don't just let her get away with it?!

You need to hold her very firmly with considerable strength when she starts hitting you. Wrap your arms around her and lift, holding tightly. There is no way an adult can't physically overwhelm a six year old this way.

Tell her you "won't let her" hit you while you're doing this. Don't let her go until the episode is over. Pay no attention to efforts to bite, scratch, or pull hair while you're restraining her. Don't address yelling or screaming.

She's doing this partly because your attempts to stop her have not been effective. You have given her no consequence to consider before hitting you. To her, the cost-benefit analysis comes down on the side of benefit to her. She gets to release some feeling she's experiencing and enjoy a sensory experience.

When she's calm one day, you can work on getting her to describe the different stages in the build up to an episode of rage. You can offer her support in stopping the process before it gets to crisis level. You can reinforce the message that hitting hurts others and means people don't enjoy her company.

A system of different cards or colours might work in helping her find a better way to manage feelings - green means she's fine, yellow means frustration, orange means she's becoming overwhelmed, red means she's really angry and needs time alone to compose herself.

The 'time alone' response to feeling angry needs to be trained as the only acceptable alternative to the "having strong feeling -> hit mum or dad" progression. The time alone option means time alone without any annoying interaction, time alone for mindful breathing, time alone to get the feelings into words. Finding some sensory items that help to calm her might be very useful.

She needs to be taught to observe and express physical feelings such as hunger, tiredness, and discomfort. Also emotional feelings - anxiety, frustration, happiness, excitement, sadness, loneliness, exasperation, anger, fear.

When she engages with the process of identifying feelings and trying to control herself, comment positively on her efforts.

I mean as your describe. I asked many times what would be ok, how should I deal with this. It was always walk away, close the door, hold the door closed but don't lock the door (my DD would just rip the door handles off as we each held either side of the door handle!)

Have you looked at common triggers for her hitting? You can’t stop her hitting other than blocking her hands and moving away. It’s worth looking at low demanding parenting, and thinking of the behaviour as communication/ trying to identify the un met need that leads to her hitting. By the way I am also quite offended by how flippantly you say ‘every child in north London we know has been tested’ as many parents struggle to access both assessment and support. Don’t add to the noise that makes it seem like parents are at fault for paying for a diagnosis. It’s untrue and damaging.

I’d stop the home learning. Definitely sounds like a trigger. Any other triggers? Maybe think about what works as well, and build on that. What does a good day look like? Can you do more of those things?

My Dd was like this. Angel at school, meltdowns at home. It’s because they can’t hold it in for ever. Diagnosed at 16.

She will be very anxious, she’s lashing out because of this.

She needs a diagnosis and an EHCP. It will get worse without this. She will enter burnout and totally refuse school. She may need specialist education to cope.

Low demand. Sanctions won’t work. Rewards will.

I’m speaking from experience.

She won’t get to watch TV, or we will go to bed if it’s close to bedtime. I don’t think you understand. She’s distressed, and taking more stuff away from her only adds to her stress and anxiety. I tell her afterwards that her hitting is making me sad and that we have to do better tomorrow. I tell her I love her and that I feel sorry for not being able to help her.

Can you identify trigger points ( eg, are there times of day when she is more likely to do this)
Then you might be able to pre empt the situation by making a change.
For example. Straight after school? Maybe low blood sugar, can you take a snack like a banana to eat on the way home?
Bed time? Is it overtiredness and does she need to get a longer night's sleep, or is it transition from one activity to the next. So maybe don't allow screen time just before bed if it is too hard to stop. Is it getting dressed. Are their sensory issues with clothing? Can these be addressed.
I think you have been talking to her about other ways she can help to regulate herself if she finds her feelings overwhelming. She may need to practice what to do a lot before she is able to do it in the heat of her emotions.
Then it is about clear expectations and clear consequences if she hits. The consequence needs to be fairly immediate but can be part of a larger plan. Eg, she gets a bead/marble/pompom in a jar for particular positive behaviours ( use the positive behaviours you want to see when she gets upset - eg accepting it when you say it is time for the TV to go off-or whatever. Or using the positive strategies you are practising for dealing with her feelings. If she starts to make a big fuss, one warning, then no bead, marble pompom. If she hits or otherwise hurts someone then she loses one of the reward items.
Then on Saturday if she has a certain number of items she gets a reward, fewer, a lesser reward and if no items left then no reward.

Don't try and work on every behavioural issue at once though. When she does get really upset / angry make sure you let her know she has been heard. "I can hear you feeling very angry/upset about that" etc

I’ve been there.

Your’re right that it will add to the distress. What causes them? Be kind, patient and calm, she’s severely dysregulated. This is why she’s lashing out.

Dimly lit room, cuddles and teddies, and a screen should help calm her.

Dont ask her questions. My dd couldn’t even cope with ‘what would you like to do?’. You make the decisions. When she starts to get upset, hold her or let her leave and go into meltdown,

Sanctions make it worse. Aim to minimise everything and pick your battles. Once she feels soothed the lashing out should stop.

That's not what I meant and sorry for coming across that way. I hope I am not shaming anyone for trying their best to help their child.

As well as the support described that the school had already put in place, they also then had a lot of other recommendations from her assessment that they put in place. These reduced anxiety and pressure on her at school.

At home, I have learnt (and am still learning!) how to structure her day, give her appropriate warnings to manage transitions, learn to recognise triggers and patterns of behaviour, learn how to put strategies in place and to know when to walk away. Also it's helped me accept some behaviour from her that I would not usually accept if she did not have a neuro diversity.

In all honesty I knew the theory of a lot of this before she was diagnosed, as I already worked with autistic children in a school setting! But it's very different dealing with it in a professional capacity to having to deal with it in your own family, in your own home, with people you love. Peer support for me has also been a benefit that's come out of the diagnosis. And us all, including her, having a better understanding of who she is and why she struggles with certain things.

What helped your DD in the long term?

She probably can’t help herself or control herself. This is meltdown. You use as few words as possible and you make her feel as safe as possible but accept that there isn’t much you can actually do until her needs are met.

I never found a way to deal with it that worked when I was in the thick of it. I never felt ashamed that my child hit me - I make a point of saying that my child was violent towards me because I think it is important people realise that child to parent violence exists - but I did feel ashamed that I couldn’t always react in the best possible way. Constantly being on those egg shells is stressful though, so I have come to terms with it.

Look up co-regulation.

Talk to school - ask if homework is strictly necessary.
Make sure she is allowed to do her homework on her own. If she can't manage it in half an hour, note that and send a message to the teacher with the incomplete work. Don't apply pressure to finish or to get it right. Don't try teaching her the material yourself..

Explain to her that the teacher needs to see how much the children can do on their own and what they can't do on their own in order to understand where she's making mistakes in teaching. Some children get very caught up in performance and it causes huge anxiety entered around homework. Make sure she understands that the teacher is assessing her own teaching through the homework and difficulties are not a reflection on her.

Give her a snack and drink as soon as she gets out of school. Maybe sit down somewhere and eat and drink picnic style. You can chat with her about her day as she eats.
Give her a choice of when she does her homework.

Give her choices in other aspects of her life too - two equally suitable outfits, whether her hair is brushed, etc.