My DD is hitting me everyday

[Issue46]

My six-year-old is hitting me each day. She gets mad at the smallest of things and then hits me violently. She bites, screeches, screeches my face. She’s doing the same to my DH. She’s an angel at school and lovely to her friends. She has a friendly friendship group with no issues there. We talk about it afterwards- she says she doesn’t know why she does it. We talk about the zones of regulation. We have even seen a play therapist - yet to get her advice. She eats ok; she goes to bed in good time.
I am mentally exhausted from walking on eggshells with her being hit daily. It could be due to school - she's one of the youngest.
We could get her assessed, but at the cost of £5k, we are unsure what use it is. Our friends just did it, and while it gave them a diagnosis, it didn’t offer any help on how to manage the behaviour. Equally the school won’t do much as both kids behave perfectly at school and don’t exhibit any behavioural problems. The therapist equally said she’s far too young to get assessed.

Help.

Gosh OP that sounds hard. I have a DS who was very explosive as a child and he would often come to the point of hitting, and I had to learn how to manage that. But there is no ND in the mix, it was just his personality- highly strung, all his emotions at the surface, very quick to (over)react.

The only way to manage it was to be very aware of the triggers and to proactively work to manage them so that we didn’t get to hitting. Heading it off at the pass i guess. I always met him from school with a snack and drink. Whatever else I was doing beforehand I would mentally shake it off so that I could give him all my attention - 5-10 minutes of undivided attention was usually enough to let him get some of the daily stress out. Distraction was hugely useful, conversation being a good one. Talking, talking and more talking. No shaming just facts: if you hit me, I can’t play with you. I can’t play with people who hit me because I am important too. How you feel is important, and so is how I feel. Then pause, then distraction. It is very hard work!

But this worked with him, no guarantees it would for your dd.

hes 16 now, and there is not a trace of the explosive character he was when younger. He’s channelled it into being very sociable, lively, proactive.

Also have a look at the p.a.c.e model, which our dd's therapist recommended. It's mainly geared towards children in care but the principles have really helped us x

So I found myself rushing home, with her in hot pursuit launching thumps and kicks at me from behind. It was absolutely awful

Sorry, this did make me laugh! I know it’s bloody awful. Mine was on holiday and ran out of an ice cream parlour. We ran after her and she was unutterably vile and kicked us several times. In front of everyone.

You’re not a shit mother. You’re struggling with your child’s appalling behavior and that is normal - who wouldn’t?

Boundaries, consequences and remember that you are in charge, you aren’t her friend and what you say goes. Any hitting is an immediate consequence.
Her life will soon get boring.
Is it just you and her? No other kids or partner?

That is really bad advice.

Starting by learning feelings and how to manage them ? https://www.google.com/search?q=icons+faces+emotions+for+children&scaesv=8ab2abe41028ca3d&rlz=1CDGOYIIenPA761PA761&hl=es&sxsrf=ACQVn0OygypOkk1ynsInGOtJrQGoGKrgQ%3A1707519554165&ei=Qq7GZbLZCfnlxc8P0Ym3wAY&oq=icons+faces+emotions+for+children&gs_lp=EhNtb2JpbGUtZ3dzLXdpei1zZXJwIiFpY29ucyBmYWNlcyBlbW90aW9ucyBmb3IgY2hpbGRyZW5IlzhQyxpY-TVwAXgBkAEAmAGEAaAB9wSqAQM2LjG4AQPIAQD4AQHCAgoQABhHGNYEGLADwgIHECMYsAIYJ8ICChAhGAoYoAEYwwTCAgUQIRigAeIDBBgAIEGIBgGQBgg&sclient=mobile-gws-wiz-serp

Some absolutely batshit responses. You are right OP that once she is dysregulated trying to communicate or impose sanctions/consequences is impossible. With my DS8 (severe learning disability) once he gets really upset he almost loses a sense of the world around him.

A little reminder. Some of the comments on this thread are not at al helpful to anyone, let alone the OP

OP, good luck and remember, no two children are the same and with a little help and guidance I'm sure ll will be good very soon.

Good luck

Screens calm ASD kids. Look at Naomi Wolf.

Do you have ASD children? They use them to regulate. Why does it ‘beg belief?’ It’s a successful strategy.

Hi OP. I work for Children’s Services and just want to say that we see a LOT of what you describe, so please don’t feel ashamed 💐

Yup, screen will do it
Begs belief

You are ignorant.

Do you have ASD children? They use them to regulate. Why does it ‘beg belief?’ It’s a successful strategy.

This is opinion is presented as fact by many on MN. However, there is plenty of research and parental experience of ASD kids that finds this is not true. It’s possible it’s true for some ASD kids but it’s certainly not true for all.

If the screen regulates the child you can take the screen away and they will be calm. If they are calm while watching or interacting with the screen and then lose it when screen is removed then it’s absolutely not regulating them.

Can you clarify, @brightyellowflower ? When you say 'toughen up', exactly what does that look like? How did you ensure your two year old never did it again?

Practical, concrete strategies, please, to support another shit parent whose child hits her. Don't say 'shout at them' (tried it), don't say 'be firm' (because that doesn't mean anything): give me a concrete, specific plan of exactly what to do when my distressed child hits me.

Op, , and ignore the twats.

It’s possible it’s true for some ASD kids but it’s certainly not true for all

Like all things. ..