My 2 year old is broken

[mummyh2016]

I'm not even joking.

DS was the perfect baby. Slept through from 7 weeks, he hardly ever cried, no issues with colic like I'd had with his sister. He slotted into our family great and it was like we didn't know we had him really.
Once he turned 1 it was like he turned into a different child. A year on after that and we're at the end of our tether.
I don't really know where to start. I feel like he has tantrums all day. He hits me, DH and DD (6). He is constantly climbing up things. He throws things. Meal times are a joke, he refuses everything you give him and starts kicking off after 2 mins of being in his high chair. We can't take him to eat out or on days out as he will kick off. These we could cope with as his sleeps have been great. Up until the last week. He is now waking at night, he's still tired but refuses to go to sleep. I'm currently lying on his bedroom floor trying to get him to go back to sleep. DH and I take it in turns, I cope better at the tiredness than he does but I'm struggling now.
We both work FT, childcare we use a mixture of my parents and nursery. He will occasionally play up for my parents however it does seem to be the minute I walk in the door the tantrums start. I've had no reports of him being difficult at nursery.
We try to tell him off and he thinks it's a game and laughs. I feel like if I can crack the punishing it would be a massive step in the right direction but how do I do this?!
We didn't have any of this with DD, and I keep saying to DH it will get better but in all honesty it's getting worse.
What do I do

It's getting to a point where I actually hate my beautiful boy. I'm just fucked and drained. I hate leaving work because I don't know what's waiting for me when I get home.

Yeah sounds a lot like my 3 year old.

This is the kind of stuff that you can contact your Health Visiting team about. They can either give you advice or get a nursery nurse to call you back or come to visit you.

One thing to do is to get up and walk away if he is hitting you and not give it lots of attention. Remove anything he throws.

I would really recommend steering clear of using ‘punishments’. He is 2. At this time and for a while longer, he won’t be old enoihh to regulate his own emotions or express them properly. By all means help him to understand consequences (eg if he throws a toy, toy goes away), but no actual punishments. He can’t communicate his emotions or frustrations yet. Get down to his level to talk to him and distract him with other things.

And don’t compare him to your DD.

@MariaVT65 sorry when I mention punishment I don't mean as in penalising him. I mean a way to get him to understand what's wrong. Instead he finds it hilarious and that's what I'm struggling with as I can't find a way for him to realise that it's not funny and he shouldn't be doing it.

Honestly, call your Health Visiting team tomorrow as a start. They are the best people trained to give you all the advice about this. I know it’s really hard. I pretty much still don’t take my son to restaurants, only places where food is instant (eg buffet, cafe) but he does at least love days out and prefers being out the house.

How is his speech?

His speech does seem better than DDs was however she was under SALT until a year ago. He seems about on par with my friends little boy (2 weeks difference in age) however he's miles behind my nephew who is younger - he is really advanced though. I've mentioned it at nursery before and they have said he's a little behind where he should be and put him on a target plan which he has hit. DD went to the same nursery and back then it was brought up a lot that she needed a referral to SALT whereas nothing is really being said about DS. He turned 2 last month so not had our 2 year check, with DD it was done when she was 2yr4m so I'm presuming we won't get called until May.

Speech may be a big factor in not being able to express emotion, and is again something that may last for a while. My son slaps when he is frustrated which nursery has said because he can’t express his frustration quickly enough verbally.

Only just 2 is tiny though.

Honestly you don’t need to wait for his 2 year review. That is something different anyway. Call your HV tomorrow and ideally they need to come out for a visit to you.

Has he had his two year check with health visitor? Where's he at with his milestones? What's his communication like? What's he like at nursery, do they have any concerns?

There could be two things going on firstly it could be Sen, there's an assessment called mchatr online I'd fill that in and see how he scores. I'd ask health visitor to visit and speak to nursery senco about his behaviour at home for advice/guidance.

It he other option is he is a high need child due to sensory issues, inability to communicate, strong feelings/reactions. I'd do some reading online and look for techniques.

With a child that doesn't respond to typical parenting well, a large part of behaviour n management is down to you managing their environment. So I would look at your routine, is it consistent? I would try to keep to a fairly similar schedule. I would look for triggers and if they are not necessary avoid them(for now) or work around them. You mention meals, could it be the high chair, the restraint? Would he be better having a chair he can climb off (I know the aim is for him to sit for meals but if you can get his anxiety down you can work on how long he sits for later). Or could a screen provide distraction. Don't stress about how much he eats, you can always leave his food for him to go back to or offer fruit later.
For his tantrums/meltdowns as long as he's not in danger try not to stop it. Be supportive during, no behaviour ever gets resolved during a tantrum and they are scary for kids. Look to resolve issues at a different time.
Lower your expectations, parenting should be largely positive so don't worry about small things right now (you can always come back to them. Focus on the positives, lots of love affection and praise. Lots of good attention.
Try to stay in the present and deal with negative behaviour in the moment. In my experience a two minute sit out (say in the hallway ) away from the situation. But stay with him but don't engage/make it fun. Just short answers to any questions. I'd start with addressing the hitting this way. Don't discipline mid meltdown tho.

The sleep is crap, I would keep taking him back to his room/minimal engagement. But I can understand the staying with him. NHS do sleep clinics, you could go GP or local family hun for help.

I would find things that soothe him. Don't over use them but if you sense he's starting to struggle, bring them out. Or if you know he will struggle with something ie supermarket give it in advance to pre empt. Also use it if you need a break.

Look at ways to help you and your dh de de stress. Time for yourself, meditation, yoga, relaxation techniques. Hypnotherapy really helped me a lot. Things usually feel worse because we focus on the bad and carry it with us. So when he meltsdown it's not just that meltdown it's all of them ever so it feels impossible. Try to focus on nice moments when they happen and remember them.

If you really feel you are struggling and need help. Early help in your local council off parenting support/guidance.

Two can be a really difficult age and I struggled a lot with my DS from the 18 month / two and a half stage.

I have personally found walking away when they hit with a calm ‘no, hitting hurts’ effective. My DS went through a kicking stage which was horrible.

I would probably look into sleep training for the sleep issues. I sleep trained DS at eighteen months and it really was the best thing I ever did but he did wake at 5-530 for a year after that. It stopped when he dropped his nap.

I would probably get rid of the high chair as well, DS never liked them. (His baby sister will happily sit in it for ages!)

Sorry some of my questions got answered while I was writing!

Just to mention the laughter is highly unlikely he finds it funny in the sense of how we as adults find things funny. It's more likely an anxious reaction of not understanding the situation.

It’s my reaction that my DS finds funny. So I would really echo what my HV told me and to try not to react, even though it’s hard.

This is all completely normal, exhausting, but normal. He’s trying to communicate something to you, probably that he needs connection and acceptance and validation of these big feelings (not the same as accepting the behaviours)

Children tend to become what we think they are - if you’re seeing him as faulty he will pick up on this and live up to it

What books/resources have you read to try and help things? The Book You Wish Your parents Had Read would probably really help you. And How To Talk…. Also Janet Lansbury and Dr. Siggie are great, and Big.little.feelings, all on Instagram/google

Punishment doesn’t work - it models punishment, that’s maybe why he lashes out at you, he’s copying what others do to him. Discipline through firm boundaries is what works.

He’s too old for a high chair, he’s probably desperate for some autonomy

He slotted into our family great and it was like we didn't know we had him really.

We both work FT, childcare we use a mixture of my parents and nursery. He will occasionally play up for my parents however it does seem to be the minute I walk in the door the tantrums start. I've had no reports of him being difficult at nursery.

Just throwing a possibility out there – could he be acting up due to a perceived lack of attention (especially positive attention) from you? Especially as he's not behaving like this in front of his closest caregivers (your parents).

Have seen a 2 year old do that with his dad before, not his mum as she was 100% responsive & attentive to him. The irony is his dad felt he was spending lots of time catering to the boy's whims, was quickly exasperated, etc – vicious cycle

Sorry OP this sounds really tough. In terms of discipline ignoring is the best “punishment”.. Obviously you need to reprimand the hitting, but if it’s attention seeking (as of often is) then “we don’t hit” and remove him is effective. He thinks it’s funny because he’s getting a reaction.

Theres no way my 2 year old would sit in a highchair and behave. He was also in a bed by 2 and it helped his behaviour.

This, all of this.

This sounds so tough 💐 a horrible feeling but very common

Sounds like you need to widen your window of tolerance

He needs you to be calm and unflappable while he tests the boundaries and learns they are firm and consistent

“The labels we apply to certain behaviors blind us to the causes of that behavior and what it is communicating.

This creates distance and even dislike of our children (which can be hard to overcome), instead of understanding, empathy, and positive growth, all of which deepen our parent-child bonds.

There is always a reason children feel and behave the way they do.”

www.janetlansbury.com/2018/10/how-our-judgments-hurt-kids-and-what-we-can-do-instead/

Terrible twos are so named for a reason. There could be any number of reasons but check up with health visitor/ gp.
As for discipline, try to stay calm but firm. Wait for him to be hungry and genuinely want to eat before putting him in the high chair. Then if he kicks off remove the food and take him out of it and do something else.Hopefully he realises he needs to sit in the chair to eat after a few consistent actions. If he hits just say calmly “ We don’t hit” and gently but firmly move his hands away. If he hits again do the same and go into another room or remove him to his. In my experience it’s the calm repetitive reactions that work. To his face that is, you can scream into your pillow when he can’t see you!

Quick question - does he watch anything on TV like coco melon, Blippi etc? These tv shows are hyper-stimulating and can really, really affect behaviour.

I had a very similar problem with Dd - even though she was only watching for minutes a day. When I completely cut them out and she only watched things like Bluey and In The Night Garden her behaviour massively improved. She’s 7 now and there is still a direct correlation between what she watches and her behaviour.

Thanks for everyone's tips so far. I probably got an hour of broken sleep if that after 3am before having to get up for the day. Of course DS is fast asleep.

Sleep training - I honestly don't think we need to do this. He has slept through for practically 2 years, we've had no sleep regressions and up until a week ago his sleep had been fantastic, we're talking 12-13 hours a night with no wakings. And over the last week it hasn't been every night, it's probably been 4 occasions in the last 10 nights. Looking back this morning I think last nights shenanigans was because he was hungry. He ate hardly any tea last night and my parents had mentioned when I got back that he should be hungry as he didn't eat much lunch. Can't believe this didn't click last night or during the early hours really! I think once I've sorted the eating out the sleep will settle as I bet if I looked back on what he'd eaten the day before the other awakenings I'd find the same.

SEN I don't think there could be an issue (or if there is it's minor) because the fact he doesn't seem that bad for my parents and the fact nursery haven't said anything indicates he's choosing to behave like this with me/DH/DD.

I agree about the high chair however he is quite small (still in 12-18 month clothes) and our chairs are too low for the table. I do have an Ikea toddler dining chair from DD which DS sits on however the seat is quite thin and because he seems to have no sense of danger I worry he will topple off as it's quite high off the ground. If anyone can recommend a toddler dining chair with arms on that won't cost the earth please let me know. I do have a play table and chairs he uses so I'm going to try and see if how he gets on eating meals off there.

I haven't read any books, with DD I felt like I was stepping into the unknown so I read books on everything. I feel like with your second you sort of know your way more even though it's backfiring on me now.

I do agree that he is most likely acting up for attention. It's so hard though, I don't get in from work until just before 5, then I have to get started on dinner, give them both dinner (DH normally arrives back just before dinner time or during) and then it's bedtime at 6.50 so DS maybe gets an hour with me if that once dinner time is finished in the week. I can't possibly extend that unless I push bedtime back but then me and DH don't go to bed much later than 9pm as we're always so tired.

I have considered taking the sides off DS cot especially as he has been climbing out however I can only see negatives at the moment. He'd have everything out so I'd need to get cupboard and door locks for everything. He's got a kallax unit with toys in his room, I can't see any gadgets that keep kallax boxes locked away unless we brought all new furniture. He has a stair gate on his door but I think I'd be up more putting him back in his bed. We have instead got a foam fold up mattress we lie out next to his cot so if he climbs out he's got a soft landing - this is also used for me or DH to sleep on if we end up having to go into him. He'd not constantly climbing out, I find it's only when he's had enough (so for example if he wakes up for the day whilst I'm getting ready I'll leave him in his cot a bit longer, he might climb out if he thinks I've left him too long). DD on the other hand never climbed out her cot, and even when we took the sides off she wouldn't even step out of bed without shouting one of us to get her.

TV is on and he does have access to a tablet however he rarely chooses to sit and watch for longer than a couple of minutes (which does drive me mad at times). The programmes he will watch for a couple of minutes are Paddington, fireman Sam, Thomas and an odd choice of Matilda the musical.

Regarding the HV it's nice to actually see them recommended they do much of MN seem to hate them. I've only ever had good experiences with them. The only thing I'm hesitant over is that my friend's mums best friend is on our local HV team. And whilst I completely understand confidentiality in reality would I really be able to trust her to not tell her friend. I'd never know if she did and she most likely wouldn't but I feel like it would be at the back of my mind that they might know.

When I get back from work I'm going to avoid the high chair, try my best to walk away from any tantrums or hitting, and try and give him more attention in that hour between dinner and bedtime. If this all fails I'll contact the HV.

Thanks again.

Lack of sleep makes everything 10 times worse including your perspective. Good luck today.

How much is he outside each day? How much physical activity is he getting?

try my best to walk away from any tantrums or hitting

No!! Do the opposite! He need time in, not time out. He is trying to communicate that he needs connection and validation. He needs these feelings to be heard, not ignored

You can do this by gently setting limits, acknowledging his feelings and redirecting. Hold his hands and say “I won’t let you hit” “You seem very angry” “You can hit this pillow”

If he can already climb out of the cot when he wants, why not just take the sides off? It could be an opportunity for you to give him the message “You are in charge. I trust you” A gro clock is a great tool to show them when it is ok to get up. You really need to stop comparing him to DD!

try and give him more attention in that hour between dinner and bedtime

Great plan. Can you free up more time by throwing something in the slow cooker in the morning? Or if he has a hot meal at nursery, quick easy sandwiches for dinner? Cook dinner with him? (This one makes my eyeballs bleed but it really is so good for them and gives time to connect)

Who cares if the hv did mention you've been in touch, it's not embarrassing to be a good parent who asks the professionals for tips. That's a good thing.
And I'm almost 100% sure the hv would not mention you to her friend. Loads of people have jobs where they know things about people and they dont blab. Eg teachers, hvs, nurses, Dr's.

Read the book Raising Boys. It explains some of the hormonal changes in boys which are quite different to girls. This may be useful as he grows.
Either way I think PP have given some good advice and good spot on food. Both my boys were late talkers and definitely did not recognise hunger signs especially if playing. But the consequences of not eating were playing up and bad behaviour. So maybe try to keep an eye on food and find some nutrient dense but smaller snacks if he won't eat (pb on wholemeal toast was my go to).
I also found they absolutely need to have exercise every single day. Far more than I realised initially and again if they didn't get out and run or play then I noticed they were much worse behaviour wise.
Just a couple of thoughts to help