My 2 year old is broken

[mummyh2016]

I'm not even joking.

DS was the perfect baby. Slept through from 7 weeks, he hardly ever cried, no issues with colic like I'd had with his sister. He slotted into our family great and it was like we didn't know we had him really.
Once he turned 1 it was like he turned into a different child. A year on after that and we're at the end of our tether.
I don't really know where to start. I feel like he has tantrums all day. He hits me, DH and DD (6). He is constantly climbing up things. He throws things. Meal times are a joke, he refuses everything you give him and starts kicking off after 2 mins of being in his high chair. We can't take him to eat out or on days out as he will kick off. These we could cope with as his sleeps have been great. Up until the last week. He is now waking at night, he's still tired but refuses to go to sleep. I'm currently lying on his bedroom floor trying to get him to go back to sleep. DH and I take it in turns, I cope better at the tiredness than he does but I'm struggling now.
We both work FT, childcare we use a mixture of my parents and nursery. He will occasionally play up for my parents however it does seem to be the minute I walk in the door the tantrums start. I've had no reports of him being difficult at nursery.
We try to tell him off and he thinks it's a game and laughs. I feel like if I can crack the punishing it would be a massive step in the right direction but how do I do this?!
We didn't have any of this with DD, and I keep saying to DH it will get better but in all honesty it's getting worse.
What do I do

You’re right about the link between sleep and food. Bananas and salmon are great for sleep.

Could his molars be coming through? Can cause food refusal and wake ups

Tripp trapp style chairs are great, no arms but they are big and sturdy. Toddlers love them because they can climb on and off by themselves. Hauck do a cheap version and there’s always a lot on fb marketplace secondhand. A booster cushion is a simple solution too. If he falls he will learn to be safer!

It would be interesting to see what would happen to his behavior if you took him out of nursery for a month. Maybe something there is winding him up? My daughter’s behavior was always better during the holidays

@wubwubwub not a lot really this time of year, it's too dark to take him out when I get back. My parents will occasionally take him out for an hour but that's it

@Preggopreggo I hope you don't mind me asking but are you a child psychologist or do a job relating to this sort of thing? Or is your advice from past experience? Only reason I ask is because most of the other posts are telling me to ignore the tantrums and hitting but you're telling me to do the opposite so I was wondering what the reason for that is. I don't mean it to be a rude question btw, I'm thankful for everyone who has taken the time to give advice.

In regards to the cot I've explained in a PP as to why I'm choosing not to do that yet.

I don't think a groclock is needed as I think the sleep issue is due to his eating issue. Besides he has only just turned 2, there is no way he would be old enough to understand what it's for.

DS won't eat sandwiches, he eats the filling and leaves the bread teas in the week tend to be quick and easy though due to time, maybe a jacket potato in the microwave, some pasta and a packet/jarred sauce or something frozen I can shove in the air fryer. He has tea at nursery so I don't have to cook him anything on those days, we normally get away with a small snack if that.

I found 13 months - 24 months the hardest age behaviourally. Never understood why they call it the terrible twos. 2-3 was a dream comparatively. There is a sleep regression around 2 years old that definitely tipped me over the edge with my middle child. His behaviour was very extreme - he had meltdowns. All the behaviour you describe. He’s was and still is an absolutely angel at nursery, I think he masks but he’s also a very gentle and intelligent child, he just feels things very strongly. Screams and hits rather than runs off and cries.

I don’t know what you’ve tried but with the food, around 20 months, I wouldn’t allow throwing of food. I would get them out of the high chair and get them to tidy the food. Had almighty battles about this but after a week I found a difference. Do you give him a choice of what he can have for food? I don’t because I had 3 under 3 but if there is resistance to food you could offer a choice so he feels as though he has some control.

he’s in the classic fight against the parents and wanting control stage. I would say he needs to feel as though he has some power, in a way that’s healthy and not as impactful on the family. Make sure his behaviour does not get him what he wants, no matter how much work that requires from you. Do not teach him that he gets what he wants if he disrupts.

Also, give plenty of attention for the positive behaviour. I found I developed such a negative narrative around my middle child and was just relieved/stunned when he wasn’t testing. I had to make a concerted effort to praise him for those moments for him to realise that that was preferably to us all screaming at each other.

When he goes too far you need to find a consequence that keeps you all safe and impacts him. Can you do a time out? Can he go in his cot? This would be for a very short about of time and just to disrupt the negative process.

I really don't think punishing is going to help. He's massively emotionally disregulated by the sound of it, and typically mummy is the safe place to let all that out. Have a read of How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen and The Gentle Discipline Book. I think both will really help. They're on Audible if you don't have the time or energy to sit down with a book. Sending solidarity. It's bloody tough.

there’s a lot more posts than when I started writing. Just to update, I agree with @Preggopreggo this is normal, developmentally appropriate communication from your son but you both need things to change. I think there is a space between establishing strong boundaries (so he feels safe) and allowing him to have more autonomy.
Don’t ignore tantrums. He needs you to help him regulate those emotions.

Tantrums and hitting are somewhat different aren't they - hitting is communication and emotion (frustration, anger) but also a boundary needed (I know you are angry. We use kind hands, hitting hurts), so is throwing toys - reduced input is often helpful eg a big lecture is no good as he is seeking interaction and also won't understand so finds your reaction funny, so a short statement with a natural consequence if there is one is often helpful eg removal of toy. You can reduce your attention without necessarily leaving - see Incredible Years for some advice on this.

Tantrums are more about difficulty communicating and regulating his emotions, which is totally normal for his age. It's about validating and naming the emotion, whilst holding the boundary if you've made one. Eg if he starts tantruming because he isn't allowed his sister's toy "that toy is Sophie's, I see that makes you feel sad and angry, I'm here for you if you need a hug". A lot of parents get stuck accidentally punishing or shouting at the tantrum reaction itself as we see it as "bad" behaviour (it would be in an adult and in public it makes us feel bad emotions like shame) whereas only a couple of things that appear in tantrums (hitting, throwing stuff, knocking stuff over) require a boundary and consequence.

I am glad you are listening and taking in comments - it will definitely be helpful to lean in to positive time with him and praise and give lots of attention for any little bits of good behaviour. This can be hard as we tend to use the time our child is/children are playing nicely to take a break or do something else, but he needs you to be using that time to go "wow, Arlo, look at your amazing blocks, you are playing so well"

Edit: lastly, you said you are comparing him to his sister - he is developmentally normal for a 2 yr old, whereas she sounds quite unusually chill at that age!

I hope you don't mind me asking but are you a child psychologist or do a job relating to this sort of thing? Or is your advice from past experience? Only reason I ask is because most of the other posts are telling me to ignore the tantrums and hitting but you're telling me to do the opposite so I was wondering what the reason for that is.

I am an academic researcher but this is not my field. I just read a lot of child psychologists because I want my own parenting to be evidence-based. I’ve also had a lot of therapy and have learnt that a fundamental need of all adults and children is to have their feelings heard and validated. Ignoring tantrums is a hangover from the ‘seen and not heard’ days and gives the message that their feelings are inconvenient, not important or ‘too much’. This leads to avoiding and bottling up feelings which causes anxiety, anger problems etc.

While the are mid having a tantrum the rational part of their brain is switched off. The best thing we can do is be present and accepting, briefly acknowledge their feeling and be a safe place for them to explode. Tantrums are actually a wonderful chance for them to process feelings, and they will feel much lighter after.

Hitting should kind of be ignored - they will do anything for attention whether it is good or bad. A calm “I won’t let you hit” and a firm hug to stop the action is enough, or giving them a pillow and doing a demo of hitting it. It always helps to tell them what they CAN do not what they CAN’T.

Seems like you have noticed that food and sleep are everything, if he is physically disregulated with low blood sugar he has no hope of regulating his emotions

Kids Eat In Colour on Instagram is amazing for food stuff

Do you think he is tired/over stimulated from nursery? And maybe holds it together at childcare but then lets it all out on you because you are his safest and most secure space?

I think the fact that he's ok at nursery might suggest he's masking to some extent? Maybe masking because of SEN but maybe just masking because he's a toddler and so his coping mechanisms are very limited?

Do you have the budget to consider a nanny, or maybe a childminder might suit him better? I know a lot of little kids love nursery and absolutely thrive there, but some perhaps prefer a domestic setting with fewer kids?

Yes, help them through tantrums, get down to their level and talk to them, offer cuddle etc.

But personally, hitting is different and currently no amount of ‘i understand you’re angry, use kind hands’ will stop my DS hitting me in that moment. I need to physically move away.

When they’re so angry they are lashing out, being there can also wind them up even more!

I don’t rate How To Talk for this age. It’s probably good for four plus but even at three there’s no way my DS would have the level of articulation and reason the children in that book do!

@Itisverycomplicated Can you do a time out? Can he go in his cot? This would be for a very short about of time and just to disrupt the negative process.

Please don’t ever do this. Time out teaches children that your love is conditional and can be withdrawn, which worsens behaviour, leading to more time outs and a vicious cycle

Have you read How To Talk So Little Kids will listen? That is for under 5s and I think it’s very effective

Erm if you become the parent and stop the kicking and bad behaviour then it will resolve very quickly. Yes our 2 year twins did it for a few days but we sorted it straight away and there fine once they knew boundaries same for 3 year old

Agree that feelings are never wrong only behaviour. Lots of I know, validation. Move hands away if hitting. Only just 2 usually need physical contact like hugging to emotionally regulate, too little to ignore.

"SEN I don't think there could be an issue (or if there is it's minor) because the fact he doesn't seem that bad for my parents and the fact nursery haven't said anything indicates he's choosing to behave like this with me/DH/DD."

DD is diagnosed autistic, when I went and CRIED to nursery because we were having such a hard time with her (explosiveness, meltdowns multiples times a day, sensory issues left right and centre) they were STUNNED. They had no idea because they never saw any of it, only twice in two years did staff see her loose her shit at us and that was because she didn't know they were there. She wouldn't let you see that she's struggling probably, she hides it from most of the family too but it leaks out a bit if I'm there with her.

It's not a choice for her to hide it it's like survival. It's not a choice for her to not hide it with us because she just can't keep it up in a safe space and keeping it up in nursery eventually broke her. She's getting a little more control over her reactions now she's 5 (and re reduced the stressors massively) but 2-3 was hellish and nursery had no idea. It's totally possible for nursery to have a very different experience of your child.

Re chair recommendations, a stokke steps but second hand!

and who is supposed to look after him? The flower faries?

Which twins?

The ones you were in hospital with when you had them? https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4874688-the-other-mum-on-the-ward-wwyd?page=9&reply=128520752

Or the ones you had at home?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/5000855-how-soon-after-birth-did-you-go-out-into-the-world-and-mingle?page=2&reply=132775631

One of the problems with MN is that people do tell tall tales and it can really make others feel bad when they wonder why their children don’t do that. It’s very normal (albeit unpleasant) for children to lash out at 2. Calmly walking away with a ‘no hitting’ or (my preference) ‘we love one another and we don’t hit’ or something.

@Preggopreggo time out is not something I would use lightly and it’s not a strategy I would use on a day to day basis. However, if a child is physically attacking their parents or siblings they cannot just be allowed to continue to do this. The parent has a responsibility to protect the sibling and to teach the other child that this is unacceptable behaviour. They also have a responsibility to physically protect and keep the child safe when they are in a meltdown.

If all other strategies are not working and the situation is not safe then I don't see anything wrong in putting the child in their cot. Communicating with the child about what you are doing, why you are doing it. Do reattempt other strategies and stay with the child unless it is unsafe for you to do so.

It can be really hard to stay calm when you have a child so dysregulated so it is better for you to take some time away than to become dysregulated yourself. if you need to take some time leave them but explain what you’re doing and try and make it only for 1-2 minutes.

Love and acceptance is conditional in our society. It is our job to teach a child what is acceptable behaviour.

I have used timeout/ or what I’ve described above with my DS3 because his behaviour was so extreme and unsafe. He now doesn’t have meltdowns, is very communicative about his feelings but he found different ways to express them. When things do get too much and he tantrums he often asks if he can go upstairs to bed. He goes upstairs, cuddles his toys for 10 minutes, calms himself down and then comes down and exclaims he feels better and we talk about what’s happened. I don’t ask him to do this. The ‘timeout’ has become part of his strategy for regulating his emotions.

Despite having this positive outcome with my DS3 I don’t use timeout with DS4 or DS1 because he’s a different child and preferable strategies work.

My little one at that age was like a puppy - he needed a good run around in the fresh air twice a day, morning and afternoon, snacks (healthy), and lots of positive reinforcement when doing nice things eg "you are so so good at helping me carry these things to the kitchen/ I love it when we do jigsaws together this is so fun/ my heart feels all warm and fuzzy when we do story time like this" coupled with firm "no, we don't hit, come and help with this / we don't shout inside the house, indoor voice til we go to the park please" etc.

I was wondering this too, if it's a drawn out protest.

There's a woman I like on Instagram called (forgive the name!) Bratbusterparenting.

She says at this age it's all about "consistent corrective actions." Hitting, screaming, biting and the like- a firm and serous "no" and remove yourself from him. Throwing toys etc- again "no", and remove the toy. Put it somewhere out of reach where he can see it and he can have it back when he calms down. No need for lots of chat, it doesn't help at this age. And don't feed tantrums with attention. But as soon as he calms down give him the attention he is looking for and get down into his world with him. He wants to play.

He's probably craving two things: more attention and more independence.

I'd definitely get rid of the high chair and get something like a stokke trip trap chair. You can find them second hand on fb marketplace all the time. Next step is to carve out time to play with him. I would simplify dinner right down so it's not taking up your time. Either have something in the slow cooker so you don't have to do anything other than plate up, or stick to really easy and quick dinners on nursery days. Then make playing with him and his sister your number one priority.

So he is fine at daycare, occasional playing up for Grandparents ( they may handle him differently i.e No enough is enough style. He may be punishing you for going to work. He is 2 so is testing the boundries. It is your job to put the boundries in place, Talk about what you are having for dinner and how you expect him to behave and talk to him all the way through dinner, if starts to play up a firm no, we are not behaving like this may calm him, also get rid of the highchair,he is not a baby. As for bed time again talk about what the plan is i.e bath milk 2 books and then mummy is going to do some chores and will sleeping in her own bed tonight. He just wants to know how life works so tell him and let him have the boundries he so needs. And remember children need to be told NO.

If he’s not doing this elsewhere it seems to me an attention thing. Which I can understand as he spends so little time with you. Can you reduce work until he’s a little older?

He sounds very much within the realms of normal for a 2 year old boy OP . You are shattered which isn’t helping you , parenting is tough and children are different . I had my easy one first and was in no way prepared for DS2 .

You have had lots of good advice from posters here . It does get better honestly .

my advice as a mum of now teens DSs and an adult DD is :
exercise - boys are like puppies
get the sides off the cot - he probably feels caged
let him be with you while you cook and do chores . Even if he’s drawing at the table or playing with pots and pans or playing at brushing the floor.
talk to him and read to him
disciplining with time outs and the like really didn’t work with my DS2 - he laughed . All
i could do was keep reinforcing what was wrong and right - eventually he figured it out .

There is no quick fix - but you will get there and you are not failing - lots of kids are a bit tricky . Good luck