My 2 year old is broken

[mummyh2016]

I'm not even joking.

DS was the perfect baby. Slept through from 7 weeks, he hardly ever cried, no issues with colic like I'd had with his sister. He slotted into our family great and it was like we didn't know we had him really.
Once he turned 1 it was like he turned into a different child. A year on after that and we're at the end of our tether.
I don't really know where to start. I feel like he has tantrums all day. He hits me, DH and DD (6). He is constantly climbing up things. He throws things. Meal times are a joke, he refuses everything you give him and starts kicking off after 2 mins of being in his high chair. We can't take him to eat out or on days out as he will kick off. These we could cope with as his sleeps have been great. Up until the last week. He is now waking at night, he's still tired but refuses to go to sleep. I'm currently lying on his bedroom floor trying to get him to go back to sleep. DH and I take it in turns, I cope better at the tiredness than he does but I'm struggling now.
We both work FT, childcare we use a mixture of my parents and nursery. He will occasionally play up for my parents however it does seem to be the minute I walk in the door the tantrums start. I've had no reports of him being difficult at nursery.
We try to tell him off and he thinks it's a game and laughs. I feel like if I can crack the punishing it would be a massive step in the right direction but how do I do this?!
We didn't have any of this with DD, and I keep saying to DH it will get better but in all honesty it's getting worse.
What do I do

My daughter was extremely challenging from 18m to 3yo... She was an 'easy' baby but then a nightmare toddler. She is now a lovely 4 yo. She used to hit other children and me, throw epic tantrums at the drop of a hat and generally do my head in. In hindsight I am not sure what my advice would be other than to stay calm and predictable, engage as much as you can with him (really get down on the floor and play), and praise EVERYTHING that is remotely good. I found it extremely tough but we have come out the other side of it. Sending lots of hugs!

I think you need to try pushing bedtime back OP, this sounds like a child that is absolutely desperate for your attention. If he gets a decent amount of your time after tea consistently for a while it might really help him.

I never did time out as I don't agree with putting kids somewhere away from you to punish them - and how do you make them stay there if they don't want to?? But I also don't agree with hugging them if they are hitting out or having a meltdown because they can't get their own way - that is just telling a child that bad behaviour leads to lots of positive attention. I do agree with 'we don't hit because it hurts' repeated as needed and moving away. But most importantly what kids need is lots and lots of positive time and attention.

Sounds tough but “cracking the punishment” at just turned 2 isn’t appropriate.

Agree with others, consult HV for strategies.

Honestly it all sounds completely normal. Exhausting but normal. My eldest was like this but also didn't sleep well at all. It was exhausting and tiring so hard work. The biggest issue we found at 2 was the language barrier. Although my DS was fairly advanced at the age it still caused issues him not being able to tell up what he wanted etc. Which lead to throwing things and tantrum. I'm currently in it with my youngest, but I'd definately say my DS was worse.

One big thing I only learnt when DS went to school. Their behaviour will be worse for those they consider their safe space. DS behaviour is terrible at the moment at home but the perfect star pupil at school. His reception teacher explain the more he feels he has to be controlled in other situations the more negative behaviour that will appear in his safe space. And it is so true. He spends a week with my parents at half terms and he comes home like the devil. But he's had a week of being controlled and contained. He needs that 'release' when he gets back to his safe space. So him being more negative around you doesn't always mean its bad or he is punishing you like other PP might feel.

It will pass. There will be times it feels like it is going backwards but there will be time you can also see the improvement.

My boy is almost two and has been climbing out of his cot for several weeks but could do it for weeks before that. We have decided to put him in a floor type bed because he wakes at 5am, jumps onto me and wants to play. I understand the worry about safety and what he might do at night but I don't think you have much choice? He might sleep better. Hopefully my son will do soon. Could you not just remove all the Kallax boxes? Personally I would take the stair gate off the door and just have one for the top of the stairs. I feel that if my son couldn't get out he would just climb cabinets etc. My daughter actually climbed over the stairs gate using a pile of books so we took it off. I honestly would just get a little toddler bed. Worst come to worst he will fall asleep on the carpet. 🤣

OP, you could switch up the dinner thing to give you more time with him. If you and dh take turns doing bedtimes, the other one cooks the family meal then. Portion up the kids plates for tomorrows mealtime (5/5.30), then you and dh eat together after the kids are in bed.

It means when you get in, the kids can eat straight away. Sit with them with a cuppa. Cuts all the dinner making time out and means 100% of yours and dhs time between getting in and bedtime as time with the kids.

Any neurodiversity in your family?
He could be masking with other care givers and taking it out at home.
Sounds very like my son who had some similar behaviours and sleep patterns until around 5, then the aggression got worse. He was finally diagnosed autistic and dyspraxic age 7 and with supports, some OT, working with his needs, now honestly he's the most lovely teenager.
Don't rule it out.

I think he needs more ‘Time in’ too. I think he misses you and doesn’t know how to relay that.

Sounds like he wants more time with you. DC acts up when DP is around because he wants as much time with him as he gets with me. Not much you can do except try spend as much quality time as poss together. Lots of cuddles. Can you co sleep? Also, lower your expectations of what "should be" to zero!

It could be normal, a phrase, undiagnosed SEN or even something unrelated.

But if it directed at you, I would find that exhausting. Any hitting, a firm no and remove yourself, DD or whoever. Again with high chair of he is fine at nursery and then kicking off at home / just end the meal time. If he is struggling to sleep / others will say different but I took mine on with me. He would not sleep on his own - he just wouldn’t and it was a killer - always the same / he is 10 and still comes in. He has hearing issues and os highly sensitive to low noises and he needs the warm and a heart beat .

No advice I'm afraid my oldest son is like this. Although he hit the four month sleep regression and he never slept again it felt. He's three and a half now and the sleep is better but my goodness the attitude is exhausting. I keep being told he'll grow out of it.

When my daughter has ever hit us we say we don't hit we cuddle shall we have a cuddle? For us it defuses the situation much better than anything else.

Sorry, I missed this and yes … it’s on my kindle now.

Here is an excerpt from a three year old angry because his mum didn’t tape an episode of his favourite show for him. His mum encourages him to explain why he likes it and he says I like the way the dancers flip around and the machines make smoke and they have to catch the bad guy. It’s so cool

There is no way my three year old would be able to answer me with that level of detail - or any to be honest. If I asked him to tell me why he likes Chuggingtons I’d be lucky to get ‘trains.’ But if he was angry or worked up about something we wouldn’t even get that far!

Honestly please don’t think I’m being discouraging. I just don’t think that book is great for under fours.

Because I do! Would be my 3yos response

At this age, he cannot possibly understand any form of reasoning. It’s his brain developing and is extremely common at his age. My grandson turned into n absolute nightmare for a couple of years, but now, at 5, he’s back to being the dream child.

you are seeing what it’s like to have a 2 year old boy OP. I’ve got 4 boys and they were all pretty much the same as you are describing at 2, 3 was worse so brace yourself
now at 8, 10, 12 and 14 life has its challenges but is nowhere near as painful as those years

A trick I’ve found is saying “you are cross because your dummy fell on the floor” or “you are sad because your drink spilled” - like you GIVE them the words that they can’t say themselves. Sometimes you might have to guess a few times but if you find the right thing, and say what it is they’re feeling, it often dries up a tantrum.

Even if he’s a bit young/not ready speech wise for this, it does at the very least help them understand putting words to emotions which isn’t a bad thing!

Not really able to advise but my dd2 was like this - she’d beat me up, kick, punch, pull out chunks of my hair, bite me. She’s 12 now and have been really lovely since 3.5. She’s an absolute dream to parent and very loving. Hang in there.

Even if she’d been really naughty, if she’d worked herself up into a state I would say “ I’m still cross but would you like a cuddle to help you calm down?” And sometimes she’d say yes and others she’d scream “noooo!” Then 2 minutes later come for a cuddle. She big emotions and needed help with them. Dd1 would then be cross that dd2 got a cuddle and I’d have to explain why and that there would still be a consequence but that was pointless discussing at that point.

Sounds like my 4 yo at that age, he is being assessed for autism which honestly surprised me. He was my first so I didn't realise how he was wasn't typical it was only when he started school it was flagged to us. He hit all his milestones so we never sought help from anyone

OMG @Lavenderbluerose how did you do that.............why would people make up things like that 😮what on earth do they get out of it?! Thank you for showing me that, I'm obviously very naive in believing what people say on here and will be more cautious in future💐

I know you're having a hard time but he does sound like a normal 2 yo. Mine was similar except she also had bad sleep since birth. 2 years of 13 hour sleep is pretty rare and incredible realistically for his age. We did a big bed and gro clock from 2 for ours.

She doesn't abide by it a year later but she knows what its for and I do recommend. We have kallax too but it went in the fitted wardrobe. She doesn't really interfere with it too much now. It's just got clothes books and soft toys. Nothing dangerous.

Yikes. You must have went through an awful lot of trouble to find that post in 2023 though😂 remember it’s an anonymous site and people often change details to be less identifying. Some days I have a boy and a girl, two boys or two girls. One time I even had 3 children to throw people off of the scent a little bit!

No trouble at all. Literally all you do is enter the posters name and any key words (hospital).

The thing is, some posters are memorable for all sorts of reasons, bad and good. If a poster is especially nice or helpful I remember their name - not consciously but I do clock them as someone likely to offer helpful and supportive advice.

Unfortunately the same also works in reverse. When I was struggling with my then two year old the poster above popped on several times to declare her horror at a child behaving in a normal, albeit difficult, way.

I notice her posts because they almost always start with ‘erm’ and (I’d never normally mention it) the SPAG is notably poor.

Saying on one post you were in hospital for ‘several days’ and then claiming to be giving birth at home and up and about after an hour is not changing details for the sake of privacy (and someone concerned about privacy would use the NC function anyway.) I change details: might make DD a DS or say DS birthday is in January or November instead of December, or similar. That’s totally different to two completely contradictory stories about birth.

People who do that sort of thing in my experience are trying to convince themselves of a sort of superiority. Fine, but when another poster is in a bad place and someone comes on and makes out it’s as easy as a ‘boundary’ and you think everyone else has it easy and you don’t, it makes you feel really rubbish. There was a poster years and years ago who was the same. She was actually unintentionally amusing but she claimed to be living a wonderful life in London with two perfectly behaved little boys and it was all a big fib. I’m not exposing anyone’s lies to be cruel. But if people are going to be unpleasant, it doesn’t return to bite you.

@mummyh2016 the thread is very long so not read it all yet, just your OP ....what happened around 1 years old ? Did he start in childcare around this time? If so, his behavioural changes are likely due to this.

Babies/toddlers being separated from the familiarity and security of their parent/family caregivers and put in the setting of childcare i.e. being looked after by strangers, in a strange setting, and with other stranger children who are all competing for the attention of the childminder/nursery staff (and may be aggressive to your child or show behavioural problems which your child then copies) can cause emotional, mental and behavioural problems in children, including later in life.

If there's absolutely no way he could be looked after by one of you or a family member, I would urgently review his childcare setting and move him elsewhere.
Also reflect if there's anything else that's changed around the time you noticed his behavioural changes.