Why do people feel it's acceptable to talk shit about my kids

[milesmoms]

Seriously this.

I'm sick of getting comments about how my kids are WILD or too much to cope with or mental!

Why do people think it's acceptable to comment on my kids behaviour especially when they don't know them!?

I've had 2 comments this week from people who never spend any time with my children ?

My kids are 2 and 4 so of course they are not easy just like any kid their age!

I really don't get where the comments are coming from?

Next time I get one I've decided to defend my children instead of just getting upset about it.

Does anyone else experience this?

Joining the chorus saying we don't really have enough context, but usually people comment if a child's behaviour is impacting them in some way, but the parent is doing nothing to stop that impact on others.

If your twins were running around while elderly people were standing with hot drinks, then I would be judgemental too.

if people were sitting down with their drinks, that would be better but I would still expect the twins not to be anywhere near the tables.

Ok some context...

The 2 people who commented this week, one was a friend who hasn't seen or spent any time with my children for at least a year, she said something like 'he's mental' when we were having a general chat about our children during a meal.

And the other was a family member who also hasn't spent any time with them ever , said 'i couldn't cope with your kids'.

I don't really know where they're getting it from because as I said they don't spend time with them.

My kids have a lot of personality and in my opinion behave the exact same as their cousins and other family members, they have quiet time, go to bed amazing and are brilliant in school. They of course get hyper sometimes when they're excited but that's about it. I think they're well behaved . And I am strict. They have routine , they eat well, and they get told off when they've done something wrong.

My point of the post was ... i would never comment on another child's behaviour, especially if it's not affecting me or my children so why do people feel the need to comment on other peoples children?

What are your DC doing to get those comments?

We had 'that kids out of control' or tutting from strangers with our DC with autism and learning difficulties until around 7 as it's less apparent that there's learning difficulties and it looks more behavioural whilst young.
If that's the case it improves with age, it becomes clear at a certain point that they are overwhelmed by the surroundings not tantrumming to get something.
We've actually had a lot of supportive comments in recent years.

If your children are just giggling, playing enthusiastically, climbed on something but got down when asked etc then just reply with "what is wild about them?"

If your children are actually acting in a dangerous or disruptive way and not significantly delayed with their understanding then maybe time to work on some boundaries, at 2 and 4 rewards for positive behaviour is often the best approach, with some negative consequences when appropriate or for the 4 year old if deliberately pushing boundaries.

They've obviously picked it up from however/whatever you were saying about your children though? Clearly you were describing something they've done and the other person has said "I couldn't cope with your kids" and that they are "wild" - whatever you said to them obviously gave them that impression???

Hmm. Have a lot of personality sounds like a euphemism.

They ‘do brilliant at school’ at age 2 and 4?

I agree it’s rude to comment on children’s behaviour, but perhaps it’s your family’s way of communicating to you that the behaviour is affecting them in some way. They should really be mature and tell it to you straight, however.

It's one of those variable descriptors:

My children have a lot of personality
Your children are hard work
Her children are out of control

You’ve said they eat and sleep well, and have some quiet time. You haven’t actually mentioned their behaviour, and given that these people haven’t spent time with your kids they are going off what you have said about your children.

My kids have a lot of personality
I bet that's how you see it. It sounds like others see your children differently.

@TeaKitten I'm going to take your comment on board. Maybe you're right.

I do get stressed/overstimulated very easily and maybe I overshare my feelings too much with people I think can relate/I can trust. For example I can say 'I need a break from the the kids' , this doesn't mean they are badly behaved and any HONEST mum of two young children would feel the same even though some don't admit it.

I think some people take that as my kids are uncontrollable. And maybe because I am open and honest, people feel like they are allowed to then comment on my kids. This doesnt gjve people the right to comment though. if anything its the comments from other likeminded mums who say 'oh my god me too' that makes me feel supported ...

taking the kinder commenters opinions on board i think what i need to do from now on is, only ever speak overly positive about my children even if i am having a bad week (which we all have btw) and not give them the opportunity to comment badly, and question their comments if they do speak negatively.

For the most part I agree, but if kids are behaving badly in a restaurant and disturbing others I do think people have the right to comment (and I have done so a few times).

From what you’ve said though, this doesn’t apply to you - every time I’ve made a comment it’s been when the parent clearly doesn’t give a shit and I can see it’s bothering a lot of people.

They must be hearing it from wider family/friends. My DMum tells everyone about my nephew's bad behaviour and lack of parenting from both parents.

@madderthanahatter this is what I think. They're hearing it elsewhere.

And to be completely honest even if they were badly behaved ... IT STILL DOESNT MEAN PEOPLE CAN COMMENT.

Especially people who never bother with them.

I think it says a lot about people who comment on other people's lives negatively.
Applies to a few who have commented.

What’s does “He’s mental,” mean?
What was your child doing for her to say that?
If he was screaming and shouting over the top of her then yes, it’s a fair comment.
If he was laughing at the wind on his face, then she is over reacting.
Again, it completely depends on the circumstances.

Again, if it’s in a public setting where it’s disturbing others (and it’s clear the parents don’t care) it’s absolutely appropriate to pull people up on it.

If the parent is clearly doing all they can, then that’s different - but most of the time the parents are sat on Instagram scrolling away while their kids are running around being a PITA.

Just ignore it I have 4 and there were times they really could be a handful all boys so I got comments of course usually do you have a tv or you’ve got your hands full or the are you going for no5 to get a girl. Get some thick skin and let it go, mine behaved to the most part, Younger 2 would be in their buggy whilst out my 5 year old was head in clouds so I had to keep a hold on him and my eldest was 10 was a lovely lad. I didn’t allow them to run riot or disturb others though.

Imagine someone came onto MN to say they dreaded seeing their friend because their children were out of control, parents had no boundaries in place and they only see them once a year as a result.

The advice would be to say something. People are telling you. You need to listen.

OFC MN children are all well behaved little angels 🙄

OP I agree with you. Tell them to back off.

My friend’s kids behaved appallingly and she never ever checked their behaviour. She’d get comments all the time from random strangers and even when I told her that her kids are scaring people, I was in the wrong. Nobody could say anything. It was a severe lack of parenting. Maybe something to think about?

I don’t think you should only say positive things about you kids OP, but maybe remember who said what and try and find people who understand to rant to, not everyone will understand but hopefully you will find someone who can.

Ok so none of them actually called them wild.

as much as I don’t agree with calling someone mental due to the MH connotations, I have heard it said in a fun way. Children do some baffling things which can make them quite lovable.

The I couldn’t cope with your two can be seen as a compliment on how well you are doing as a parent. Especially if you are confiding in someone about the terrors they have been recently.

I think you have over thought these comments and just need to let them go.

Of course people can comment. How are you going to stop them?

People can and absolutely should comment on badly behaved children. Especially yours, if you are the sort of parent that considers yourself above reproach.

This. Is their behaviour bothering others? I sat at a table in a cafe with a friend with coffee and cake and 3 unruly DC from all about 2-4 years kept running in circles around our table. One of them bumped into our table and spilled my drink. I told them to stop running around and go back to their parent. The mother glared at me across the cafe. She had no internet in stopping these kids running around and bumping into peoples tables. I did briefly wonder what she'd have said if my hot black coffee was spilled over one of them as he bumped the table. It's very unusual for people to make comments about DC who behaved well.