Honestly, what are your three year olds like at tidying after themselves?

[Whatsgoinonhere]

I’m aware this is probably going to get me flamed but my DS barely has a functioning toy because everything is so badly stored (my fault) and looked after.

I genuinely don’t know what to do. I do tell him for instance to put the lids back on things or to put that toy back in the box but he either ignores me or does such a bad job - forces the lid on so the pen ends up broken - it’s easier for me to try to do it.

When he wants to play he just empties the boxes all over the floor. I know toy rotation is often recommended but the problems with that are firstly not many toys are functioning, secondly, when I’ve tried it before I inevitably end up forgetting and finally storage of said toys!

I don’t know if there are any answers to this or any sympathy but I’d welcome help.

Aged 3, mine were made to help tidy up before bed. They were also made to put their dirty clothes in the laundry basket from basically as soon as they could grab stuff. It would have been quicker to do it without them, but it started setting up expectations.
They are now teens, and pretty good at tidying - both their stuff and e.g after dinner.
We basically used tidying up as an activity to waste time between dinner and bed! Or as a challange e.g. who can find the most bits of train track.

You don’t have to be with him every second, but he does need your undivided attention for long swathes of time. So if you know you need to cook dinner, make sure you spend half an hour playing his chosen game first for example. Then he should be ok on his own for a bit, it sounds like some of his behaviour is attention seeking. You also should have your house arranged so you know where he is so if he heads off to the toilet you would keep an eye on him and know if he has a toy in his hands. We put a stair gate across one door and didn’t use it much when the kids were little as kids could’ve used it to go upstairs without us noticing from the kitchen.

I don’t know. I agree some of his behaviour is attention seeking but not this - I think he genuine wants to play but it’s hard as stuff overload and he doesn’t know how to use it but then if he won’t listen or respond to me it’s quite hard to know what to do.

Downstairs is hard as its open plan - generally things are relocated a fair bit. I have a younger child who is on the brink of crawling so I am very mindful of this.

It may not be available in your area but several years ago I was involved in a face to face course about parenting boys under 5 developed by Boys Development Project which many of us found helpful. https://www.mhfi.org/disciplineandboys.pdf This is the accompanying booklet. Might give you some ideas. Good luck

3 year old Children will ignore you telling them what to do because they have no idea what you mean. You have to tell them and show them at the same time, until they get it (requires enforcement)
You will either have to strictly limit the amount of toys, or hang out in the room with your child all the time.
Some useful limits to apply are, no games jigsaws etc out without an adult (keep them up high) as a missing piece usually makes a game useless. Also no toys or parts to be removed from the room they live in. And also if the room is messy, tidy up before getting anything else out.
All rules to be enforced by taking the toy in question away and somewhere up high (we have high cupboards for the purpose) and leaving it there for whatever time makes sense, either 5 minutes or until tomorrow or whatever.
It's super time consuming at first basically following them around enforcing rules and dealing with the constant emotional fallout, however it gets better.
Once they understand the basic rules and consequences, you don't have trouble with them ignoring you, and you can use your words after that point.
But yeah it's stressful but think of it as an investment!

He’s not interested in jigsaws. It’s things like am ambulance with a stretcher and paramedics, the stretcher and paramedics end up all over the place. Or a fire engine with lots of parts. I have shown him but not got very far. I do feel a bit crap.

@PictureALadybird I have two. Why

Because you speak like someone with a single experience of a 3 year old.

All children are different. Some do not do what you say yours does regardless of the quality of parenting.

Boys in particular develop differently. My dd was extremely compliant and easy to engage with things like cleaning up and being orderly. My sons were not. One in particular just threw stuff about. No amount of getting down to their level, making eye contact and communicating made a blind bit of difference

Interestingly my dds bedroom is now chaotic where as the bomb site son is really tidy.

My point is contrary to your assertions, it's not all about how you parent them. Some 3 year olds are just easier than others.

I’m having an exceptionally difficult day.

I do agree (obviously since I teach myself!) that children need rules and boundaries but I also know if you keep on at them - nagging for want of a better phrase - you just become white noise.

I genuinely am sorry to pick on @PictureALadybird a but here but I will admit I’ve read things like that before, panicked and thought I’m doing the worlds worst job parenting a toddler and come on far too heavy which has made DS dig his heels in even more and I wouldn’t use strategies like that in the classroom either. I haven’t had a great day and the state of the place did get to me as well as feeling bad for DS that some toys aren’t functioning.

You have given me hope though @boopboopbidoop as my younger child is a girl!

I’ll say something like ‘DS, could you bring me that pen and we’ll put the lid back on it?’ He’ll ignore me once, twice, three times then I’ll go over and he’ll just say ‘mummy look a horse’ (there is no horse) and I’m

So you aren’t getting his attention first then like I said. You’re half heartedly calling over to him; of course he won’t listen.

You need to go over to him, get level with him, look him in the eye and say it. He needs to know you mean what you say. At the moment he knows you don’t.

Being ‘disappointed’ can sometimes work as can pretending to ring someone like his Grandad or more recently I’ve been ringing fireman Sam

Both of these are awful, outdated parenting tactics that do not teach children how to behave appropriately or with any emotional maturity.

He is not responsible for your emotions. He shouldn’t behave how you want just to make sure you’re happy. You also shouldn’t try to scare him into behaving by ringing X, Y or Z.

You have absolutely no control and he knows it, so yes, he is going to play up.

You need to do some research on how to effectively parent. I recommend Laura Amies Nanny. She has lots of resources for you.

I’m really not half hearted about it but I do think being right and upsetting me is more important to you than any sort of constructive advice.

thought I’m doing the worlds worst job parenting a toddler and come on far too heavy which has made DS dig his heels in even more

You’re not doing the worlds worst job, no, but you’re not doing a great one either.

You don’t need to “come down hard”. This isn’t about “showing him whose boss” or about punishing him.

This is about bringing up a child to learn right from wrong, to be intrinsically motivated, to be there for him and show him how to do things.

You’re repeatedly ignoring the constructive advice.

If you aren’t getting down to his level and catching his attention then yes, you are doing it half hearted and letting him know he can ignore you.

@Whatsgoinonhere its also worth noting that none of us that are saying “they need clear boundaries and consequences” got there overnight either OP. You will likely have to repeat yourself until you’re blue in the face to begin with, especially as he hasn’t necessarily had that before. But it’s really important that you follow through with it and remain consistent - as hard as that can be when you’re exhausted!!

And things like putting toys in the oven really needs to be dealt with first in my opinion. The rest is just a kid making a mess but that’s genuinely dangerous and could have really serious consequences.

OP sorry you’ve had a tough day.

I really recommend the Good Inside podcast and books. I have learnt so much from them. She does a lot of role play to teach your children ‘by the back door’ almost, she is into leadership and strong boundaries, humour, not punishments, no power struggles. I find it so effective.

for example with the putting toys in the wrong place - she might harness that “urge” (she would say) and make a game of hiding a toy and finding it. So that he can do what is interesting to him in a way that is boundaried and fun, but would be really clear that you can only do things like that when we are playing this game and the oven and toilet aren’t safe etc. so it would be a redirection and you’re no longer working against each other but enjoying something together.

In terms of the toys with all the pieces - does he enjoy playing with them? My kids, both girls if that’s relevant, 4 and nearly 2, don’t play with toys brilliantly. They like role play games, activities, going out and about. Toys with loads of pieces and characters would be interesting for a short time but not long and not repeatedly. I’m wondering if you could get rid of some of the toys and make space for different types of play?

On a day (where I’m not feeling rubbish and depleted) when I’m not being listened to I would go to DC - even the nearly 2yo who doesn’t fully understand - and say you’re finding it hard to listen to me so I am going to help you X. I’d also be actively noticing and encouraging any positive behaviour.

You’re not doing a bad job. Kids are really hard. I think boys look way harder than girls (at this age). Where is your DH in all this?

It’s so hard especially when things are presents but I really try not to keep too many toys at all. Dd has just turned 3 and we have on basket of books, one basket of toys, one basket of blocks and one basket of puzzles accessible to her.

We ask her to tidy sometimes and try and practice it but don’t really expect her to initiate or do much really. A good one is to put on “flight of the bumblebee” (I just search up on YouTube) and call it “the tidy up song” and say you’re going to be busy bees and do all the tidying and run round with him doing it. Also tidy as you go even when it feels pointless or do multiple tidy ups in one day rather than just the evening.

If you’re finding things are getting broken, maybe there’s too many fiddly toys and put them away for now (upstairs/loft/garage/wardrobe if necessary) till he’s a bit older and give simpler more hard wearing toys for now.

good luck, it’s not an easy age and I’m hoping will be easier as the weather gets better and it’s easier to spend more time outdoors.

Your example of ambulance, with stretcher and figures, would all be in the same store here as just mixed cars and figures.

We have schleich and playmobil, and whilst he has schleich animals in one basket, the accessories look too similar to playmobil accessories for him to filter, so they are stored in one basket.