Honestly, what are your three year olds like at tidying after themselves?

[Whatsgoinonhere]

I’m aware this is probably going to get me flamed but my DS barely has a functioning toy because everything is so badly stored (my fault) and looked after.

I genuinely don’t know what to do. I do tell him for instance to put the lids back on things or to put that toy back in the box but he either ignores me or does such a bad job - forces the lid on so the pen ends up broken - it’s easier for me to try to do it.

When he wants to play he just empties the boxes all over the floor. I know toy rotation is often recommended but the problems with that are firstly not many toys are functioning, secondly, when I’ve tried it before I inevitably end up forgetting and finally storage of said toys!

I don’t know if there are any answers to this or any sympathy but I’d welcome help.

Keep tv to a minimum and make it a reward after he has tidied. If it’s on all the time it’s no wonder he can’t concentrate on what you’re asking him to do.

They are helping you. I think you’re feeling prickly because this is a frustrating thing (and you’re putting a lot of blame on yourself so feeling extra crap on top) but from an outside perspective there is lots of help in this thread.

Sorry you’re feeling so shit OP. Deep breath, you’ve got this.

@SBHon maybe people think they are helping as in tough love but it’s not. All it does is upsets me.

I DO blame myself, obviously DS behaviour is something I’m ultimately responsible for but if he doesn’t care I’m not sure what to do. I’ve just had to clear up an awful mess as he ran off with his lunch and it went everywhere.

It’s not on all the time @BlackLabradors ?

Toys will turn up in strange places. Toy food seems to get everywhere in our house. That is part of life with small children. The best I can manage is to keep the box fairly high and make sure all doors are shut when it's out to contain it a bit. It still escapes!

Wooden train track is pretty unbreakable for the most part. Just wait till they are asleep to get the random bits.

Keep attempting to train them about tidying. Do they attend nursery/preschool? Go to any toddler groups where tidying up is expected? It's a looooong process with some children (dear God I hope my twins get better at it soon....)

I think you’re doing just fine. At that age you can encourage them to help tidy up but they’re not going to do a good solo job of it. Ask your 3 year old to help tidy and praise them as you go. It will improve. The only thing I might suggest is if they’re making a big mess for the sake of it and reluctant to tidy I’d maybe take 50% of the toys away and replace them in rotation. Don’t stress, you and your toddler doing just fine 😊

Have a spring clean and a tidy up. Clear out and get rid of toys you don't need/he doesn't play with and organise everything else so it all had a designated place. Then start afresh making sure you both tidy up each time he's finished playing/you got out. Once things are organised it's a lot easier to keep on top of. He might not join in much to start with, but persist in asking him too and making a game out of some of it eg how quickly can we put these blocks in the box. You need to role model tidy organised behaviour if you want your child to follow suit. You've not done anything wrong, and it's never too late to make a change :)

OP -3 year olds are hard work . You must know that if you are a teacher . Please stop beating yourself up . 3 is far too young to be boringly perfect and tidy . We are a long time grown up . Start with some simple consequences that you are consistent with if he isn’t listening to you - more for safety than anything else . Get him to tidy up with you every night before bath . He will learn over time if he can’t find things or things get broken.

Some kids are easy to discipline and some aren’t . I had one of each . Have to say though that the tidest one as a teen was unruly at 3.

Going forward Invest in toys that are hard to break - we had a lot of Lego and playmobil and dinky cars rather than things that lit up or had moving parts .

ignore the posters who come onto MN just to find someone to have a pop at

These are reassuring. He does tidy at preschool but not at home. I always assumed it was the whole ‘safe space’ thing but I’ve been questioning myself a lot. My relationship isn’t in a good place so I’m also conscious of a lack of consistency.

You asked for help.

You have been given examples of how to react when he refuses to tidy up. You have been given examples of how to talk to him so he will listen. You have been given examples of how to store toys.

What exactly about that isn’t help?

I did but maybe you’re not seeing the difference in tone between ‘Three year olds can be tough, this works for me’ and ‘he’s doing this because you’re letting him.’ Anyway - I’ve got a few things to deal with so will crack on and have a think.

Oh, we also have a miscellaneous box. While I try to get everything out back in th correct place,there's often random detritus that's been missed e.g. a piece from a wooden puzzle turns up under the sofa, a Barbie show was in the washing basket, some duplo got sneaked into tho car.... While aperfect person would of course out it back in the correct place, if I'm tired I chuck it in the miscellaneous box. It get sorted at the end of the week usually.

Does your child still nap?

In terms of effective consequences, I find it is more effective to give consequences as they arise naturally. An example from what you’ve said: the toys in the toilet or the oven. In my house that would leave to me calmly taking the toys that were put into the toilet away and explaining ”toys don’t go in the toilet. These toys have to go away for now because it’s not safe to put toys into the toilet and they all need to be cleaned so I know they’re safe. Yes, that’s so disappointing!” Allow him to feel his feelings if he’s upset, empathise, but the toys don’t come back - hold the boundary “my first job is to keep you safe, and to do that I need to make sure that your toys are clean enough for play. When they go in the toilet, they are not safe”. Then we’d look for something else to play with or I’d ride out the meltdown if necessary.

The point isn’t to punish, so I’m not expecting any particular reaction from the child - laughter and running away is fine - and I’m not expressing more than “oh dear that’s annoying we can’t play with them
anymore until they’re all clean” - so they’re not getting a big interesting reaction from me either. But they learn that it’s not worth doing and start to connect actions with (natural) consequences.

So because you don’t want to hear that your own children really do behave as you let them, you’ll just ignore any advice?

My 2.5 will grab boxes and dump them on the floor. This is normal behaviour, and I do let him make a mess. BUT every evening he helps tidy up.

He needs clearcut instructions because "go tidy up" isn't going to mean anything. I need to take the reigns and he loves to help. So things like "put the tractor in the toybox" "put the people in the bus" "park the bus in the garage" etc

We'll work on daytime tidiness in the coming years!

Disagree with those saying 3 Yr old are too young to help tidy-up! Teaching children life skills is a huge part of our jobs as parents & this is just 1 of them.
As a CM & mum of 3 (now older) all the children I look after help to do this, even the very young toddlers. We 'reset' at regular times throughout the day, pop on a tidy up song & make a game of it, you need to help them & teach them how, all part of parenting & obviously they participate at different levels according to age but they catch on very quickly. If you link it into change of activities, snack time lunch time etc then it just becomes a normal part of their day.
Those who are initially reluctant because they've never done it at home I'll pop a few toys in front of them & say this is yours to tidy because you took them out/played with these cars.
If toys are thrown/broken just remove them & talk about how it's sad we don't have this toy to play with any more. Even young children/toddlers can be encouraged to look after their toys & understand it just can't be replaced if they break everything.
Having some degree of organisation helps, invest in whatever suits you but again children very quickly learn where things go if we have a place for them.

Then you gather the wooden railway and put it all back in a big tub. Ditto the toy food. This is normal with 3 year olds. You are describing it as if it's not normal.

Yes. Duplo is like large format Lego for younger kids.
And yes it's in pieces. You just scoop it up and put in a tub

How many dc do you have?

Mine are at university too and we still find bits of Star Wars characters in peculiar places. We removed a radiator recently only to find all sorts of oddities posted down the back of it. Quite endearing really!

As for a 3 year old tidying up? I'd really be lowering my expectations.

People who make their DC put one toy away before playing with another I can't help feeling really sad that you would do that? Just let them play to their hearts content and tidy it all up at the end of the day. I have twins and just loved how their imaginations ran riot when presented with lots of unusual combinations.

I have two. Why?

@Greybath yep I really like it too, it's like little reminders of their early childhood that tug at your heart strings.

You need to be quite hands at getting him to help tidy up.

He will need encouragement, reminding and can't be expected to have initiative.

But you are on the right track with your expectations that this is something he should learn to do.

@PictureALadybird

OP has said quite few times that your tone is upsetting her.

Maybe back off?

Thank you, I really appreciate the kind posts.

I am never sure if what I’m doing is right. So for example when DS is playing I do supervise him but I don’t stand over him either, he might be playing while I cook dinner or I might go to the loo or go to make a drink. And then I open the oven and there’s three tubs of play dough but should I be with him every second when he’s playing?

It’s really hard keeping everything in order. I did have a good sort a few weeks ago, with toy animals in one drawer, toy characters (Bing and the like) in another and so on. But I’m still finding lots of toys seem to come apart and putting them back together is hard. DS had a toy tool box for Christmas and he loved it but there are pieces missing and it’s not really good to play with now.

I am not feeling great today - I often find DS very hard to get to listen to me. So for instance he’ll just reply with some random nonsense (which I know sounds unkind and I don’t intend it to) I’ll say something like ‘DS, could you bring me that pen and we’ll put the lid back on it?’ He’ll ignore me once, twice, three times then I’ll go over and he’ll just say ‘mummy look a horse’ (there is no horse) and I’m If you try that very firm tone he does laugh - not sure if it’s nerves but I definitely haven’t found that effective at all. Being ‘disappointed’ can sometimes work as can pretending to ring someone like his Grandad or more recently I’ve been ringing fireman Sam, but sometimes the amount of effort put into getting a response from him to help me put the lid on one pen and the thought of doing that x 50 is exhausting.