How do you split finances? Returning from maternity leave

[Honeybeebuzz]

Ive just returned to work after being off on leave for a year. During the year off i still paid my half of the mortgage and some of the bills but my DH did pay some of the bills on his own (after schools bill, internet etc). We both paid into the joint account which covers weekly food shop and other household expenses.
Im now back to work but im back part-time so my earnings are about 30% less than my partners.

He has decided that we should now pay 50:50 for all bills (mortgage, gas, internet, daycare etc) and then he will put money into the joint account to cover weekly shops and other day to day expenses. This will leave me with about £100 a week left for myself. I don't know if i feel comfortable with this.
I feel we should both put in a percentage of our earnings into an account to cover all bills and expenses and then any extra can carry over to the next month. How do other parents navigate finances when one earns more or you go part time?

If it was about saving money OP earns more than DH so she should be FT and he goes PT

The OP posted that after this post. I, unfortunately, am not psychic

All finances need to be pooled when there is a big gap in earnings after children. You've every right to work part-time when you have young children at home and don't allow anyone to make you question otherwise. It would no doubt be you taking time off work when they're coming down with every illness going from being in nursery so working part time is a good way to strike a balance when kids are little.

He needs to get with the changes. You can't pay half of everything anymore. You are providing childcare for free when you are not working so he can work, progress in his career and earn a pension. No doubt your pension pot will suffer, and your career prospects for a time too. He doesn't get to then demand you contribute the same financially. No way.

We had all of this after our first child was born and I really put my foot down about it. He behaved like a toddler complaining that I didn't deserve as much disposable income as him because in his eyes, I wasn't "working" as much. Of course I was, I was raising our children!! This is how men exploit women.

So, moving forward.
Everything goes into separate accounts initially, then you both pay in to joint accounts- we have 3:
-groceries and bills
-everyday extras
-savings

Then you work it out so that each of you are left with the SAME amount of disposable income in your own accounts at the end of the month to spend as you wish. We get £300 each. I use mine for yoga, gym membership, make up, meals out with friends, craft workshops, subscriptions that sort of thing. He uses his for his hobby which is quite expensive.

Don't let a man demean your role in the family unit by not classing your non-work days as unpaid family work.

@aliatalia2 I totally agree with you. There is so much financial abuse going on in marriages after Children come along and men should be held to account. It's an all too common scenario in my friendship circles unfortunately. But I think the way the patriachy works is by getting women back in work as soon as possible to bolster the economy so happy for things to be difficult for women to stay at home or work part-time to care for young children. It's awful.

I'm glad you agree it's financial abuse. I've seen it in my family. My mom did childcare and all housework but never had enough money to treat herself. It's awful

It really is @aliatalia2 . Have you ever read Liberating Motherhood by Vanessa Olorenshaw? She covers a lot of these issues and the role the patriachy plays in it. Worth a read if not.

I'm a SAHM, all money is our money and goes into joint accounts

You're very lucky to have met the right man. Mine is very stingy and even when I lost my job after mat leave, I had to borrow money from friends to survive

We put all income together, deduct the bills and split the remainder 50/50.

I used to earn more but now part time since having DS2 so now DH earns more.

I don't see why one should be better off just because they earn more.

I never understand this you are married not in a business partnership. All money goes in a pot, you each can have some spending money and bills. Anything left over goes in joint savings.

If he doesn't want to do this it means he doesn't value the work done to look after the kids and home.

I worked out all of our bills/joint spending and then worked out what we both put towards that as a percentage of our earnings (based on what we earn as a percentage of total earnings) so I think for us it was initially 70/30 and then when I upped hours 60/40. I took into account what we both had left after putting into joint funds so that I wasn’t left disproportionally worse off in terms of spending. We each put into a joint account each month and what we have left is ours. It seemed fairest, after all we would pay more childcare if I went back full time !

After maternity i went back to work part time and i only earned 1200ish after tax a month so my DP paid for all bills and I just paid for groceries. I’ve upped my hours now but still PT we have just kept it the same so he pays for all bills and i just pay for groceries. Our salaries are separately in our sole accounts but we give ourselves around £500 to live off and everything goes into joint accounts/savings

For all we know he might not have minded doing it, but she insisted? It's ridiculous for the higher earner to scale back. I say this as a woman who has always out-earned my partners, even now DH. He actually does more housework than me :) I made damn sure of that.

Also, if you read the OP carefully. He isn't suggesting 50/50 on everything. He says 50/50 on bills, and then he's providing additional money for other expenses. The OP says after all it will work out to £400 'free spending money' for her. But doesn't say how much her DH will have! We are all assuming that it's a fair whack more. If it's like £500 that's not a huge amount more. It's a sign that they, as a family, need to budget and cut back.

The primary starting point is personal spend. Forget paying X bill, Y bill etc just work out this. It should exclude family things so for example OP's car, if used to ferry children should be free.

However - this is the however - budgeting as a family means discussing as a family! If OP leased the car off her own back as the higher earner she can't expect to keep it now that they have higher expenses, she should be open to getting a cheaper car. If it was already discussed and budgeted for however it should be fully a family expense. OP claims that her £400 isn't enough because of her lease but the whole point is that you pay for very little. Her OH will be paying for servicing, maintenance etc.

Everything that's not personal spend then goes into the joint. You can work backwards and see that this is naturally some proportion.

Really it's not about 'how' you proportion it as much as the mentality of discussing and budgeting together. And you have to be on the same page!