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Parenting

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Original poster

Mum never visited Hospitalised granddaughter

65 replies

RupGill23 · 27/01/2024 00:28

Hi, I have a 16 week old girl. She was just this week hospitalised for a bad infection (after GP said it was viral). She's doing well now but was in for a few nights. During that time I expected my mum to visit her granddaughter, because she was so unwell and my mum is 30 mins from the hospital and I needed support. This isn't the first time I felt unsupported.

Back story, I had a pretty traumatic labour and as a result pretty bad baby blues and was unsupported after by my mum. She would come over and I would buy shopping, cook and clean and mind the baby while she sat on my sofa and watched TV. I said to my mum I felt unsupported and she said she knew she could do more. So I thought this time now my baby is unwell she would support me. Anyway she didn't visit and still hasn't.

Am I expecting too much ? Am I unreasonable to say to her that she should have visited her grand daughter? I feel such sadness in my heart over everything.

Thank you

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BraveLight · 27/01/2024 04:58

I think I would feel the same in your situation. Did she say why she wouldn't go? I'm very sorry you are going through a tough time. It's unpretentious to remember that sometimes depression or the baby blues can make things seem a little worse than they are so try to give her the benefit of the doubt for now at least until you are in a better head space.

BraveLight · 27/01/2024 04:58

Important not pretentious. Lol sorry! 😅

notknowledgeable · 27/01/2024 05:02

I disagree, why would you want another adult in and out of the clean hospital environment. She isn't a parent, it is normally just parents who visit, anyone else is discouraged. My sister spent a long time in hospital with her baby and I visited, but it was a special accommodation, as it was a VERY long time ( think months) and her partner, the baby's dad, was in another hospital, so couldn't share the load.. it is not normal for other relatives to visit sick babies in hospital.

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Yummymummy2020 · 27/01/2024 05:02

You poor thing. I’m so glad your little one is doing well now. She should have visited in the hospital! And given the depression, she should help more. Have you any other supportive people? You must be knackered. It’s so tough when they are sick. Mine is on the second viral infection thanks to a sibling in school. She is 8 weeks but didn’t need hospital care thank god. I was so worried though she would so I can only imagine the stress! Sending hugs!

notknowledgeable · 27/01/2024 05:02

Your mum visited you after the birth, but didn't visit you in the way you wanted her to? That is a bit harsh!

WandaWonder · 27/01/2024 05:04

Why does she need to visit a baby who is only in hospital for a short while?, I think whatever she does it will never be enough for you as you have this set idea what should happen but people don't work like that

Blankspace4 · 27/01/2024 05:12

I can understand that you’re stressed, tired and upset, but I think aiming that at your mum is the wrong thing to do. Sending all best wishes to you and your little one

ElevenSeven · 27/01/2024 05:31

It would be nice if she did, but you can’t really say she ‘should have’.

What kind of support are you looking for? Assuming there is no DF in the picture? Your DM isn’t a replacement if there isn’t.

Some people are flaky; best to try to rely on yourself. Perhaps speak to the midwife team if you’re still struggling a bit.

Nosleepforthismum · 27/01/2024 06:03

I’ve done lots of hospital trips with my now two year old and I wouldn’t expect anyone other than me or DH to visit unless they were in for months at a time so I do think (gently) YABU but I also know how terrifying it is to have a poorly baby so I do understand. Is your mum your only support or is the baby’s father in the picture?

I think it’s difficult for people to get it exactly right when it comes to new mums and their babies. Your mum may not have known what support you needed when she visited. It’s likely she wanted to just talk to you to make sure you were okay rather than busy herself with cooking and cleaning for you. I don’t think you need to be sad or that your mum doesn’t care (based on this one post) and it may be that you just need to be more forthright with what you would like to happen going forward.

Toomuchgoingon79 · 27/01/2024 06:05

My dc were admitted a few times when they were little. I never had grandparents visit, didn't even cross my mind that they should have. Have you told your mum exactly what you are expecting of her? Is dad in the picture?

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 27/01/2024 06:09

Jesus if my niece was in hosp we’d all be there making sure her mom was ok.

Your mom sounds a bit rubbish.

Wadermellone · 27/01/2024 06:22

I wouldnt have expected her to come to the hospital unless your child was in long term

Regardless of people saying ‘our whole family would be there’ it’s unlikely. The hospital doesn’t want the whole family there and it’s often not helpful.

Have you been explicit in what ‘needing support’ looks like?

Is your partner and DF also supporting?

Wallywobbles · 27/01/2024 06:29

To ne honest was in hospital a few times for operations as a kid and my parents never came. I do remember this school nurse being pretty shocked!

GreatGateauxsby · 27/01/2024 06:29

This is MN so you are supposed to be completely self sufficient and never need anything or expect anything from anyone. Ever.

But yanbu. This jut isn't how "family" behaves.
I agree with @FormerlyPathologicallyHappy and unless she's having some kind of mental health crisis or similar I think she sounds utterly crap.

You already had a conversation about her lack of presence which she agreed with 🤯
Personally I'd drop the rope now and focus on your own child and yourself.

If she comes around again looking for her dinner she'd get told there is no extra and go out and buy something or go home to eat. You are on mat leave pay and have a baby to look after.

As contrast My DM cooked dinner for me and my DH for most nights the first month our DD was born! She did this to show me support and give me and DH a break - she'd mind the baby for an hour or so each time while we ate.

I also cannot imagine my mum not going to the hospital ...which btw must have been horrible and scary for you to deal with when my DD was newborn. 💐
She would have Def come if only to provide ME with support comfort & (most importantly) food and a break.

Now DD is older (2) it's a bit different in that it's more clear cut when sickness is serious but under 6m/a year she would def come to the hospital and I would def want her there.

NoCloudsAllowed · 27/01/2024 06:52

Are you a solo parent? I'd imagine my mum/parents saying could they help out being something but not visiting specifically.

Your baby wants you, not her. What would she actually do in hospital?

When she came round, what did you want her to do? Cook and clean for you? Some parents might have done that, yours evidently won't. House stuff is a huge drag and she's done it all her life, maybe she doesn't want to take yours on.

You need to talk about what being a gm means to her, your on different pages.

PickledPurplePickle · 27/01/2024 07:31

Did you ask her to come to the hospital?

BananaSpanner · 27/01/2024 07:36

If you’re a single parent, of course she could have come to the hospital to support you (presuming she wasn’t working and is fit and able). If you have a partner, no I wouldn’t expect her to come.

Willmafrockfit · 27/01/2024 07:39

my own dm visited me/dd when she was in hospital aged 17 months for a weekend.
so on that basis yes,
but she hasnt been helpful sitting in your house while you went shopping

ACourseInstead · 27/01/2024 07:43

For a short hospital stay I’d have assumed that GPs weren’t welcome. Maybe it’s still a Covid mindset to an extent but I think these days people are quite mindful of not all trooping off to hospital and hanging about.

Pacifybull · 27/01/2024 07:44

I think it’s a bit odd to expect your mum to visit her granddaughter in the hospital, to be honest. Would it even be allowed? Isn’t it normally parents only, unless there are exceptional circumstances?

glowfrog · 27/01/2024 07:44

I can't believe she visited you after you gave birth but did nothing to help! IMO if you're going to visit someone someone after they've had a baby, you should be prepared to help them, not just sit and be waited on.

When women become mothers, they become a carer. But they still need to be cared for themselves and not getting that care can contribute to PND and general unhappiness. I hope you have at least a supportive partner in these tough early days.

If she's always been like this, it's quite possible that now you've had a baby yourself and you are especially tired and feeling vulnerable, that it's making you see the extent of her emotional neglect towards you over the years. Only you can answer that question.

boomingaround · 27/01/2024 07:46

I wouldn't expect a grandparent to visit my children in hospital if they were only in for a few days. In fact I would probably prefer them not to. I think that aspect is unfair. I also think it's unfair for you to be cross at your mum for the way in which she supported you after birth. She was there and since you were running about doing jobs she probably thought she was helping by minding the baby whilst you did it. I agree practical help would have been better but at least she was there.

Willmafrockfit · 27/01/2024 07:46

perhaps it was wise not to visit now, with covid and norovirus.
i dont know
but dont dwell on it op

tokesqueen · 27/01/2024 07:49

Where's your child's father?
This is all his role, not your mums (or dads!).
Your frustration is misplaced.

muddyford · 27/01/2024 07:56

I wouldn't expect a grandparent to visit a baby in hospital. That's the parents' job. Both parents.
On the one hand we have parents saying grandparents can't hold, cuddle, kiss or feed the child till it leaves university, on the other we get parents miffed that those same grandparents don't visit a baby in hospital who won't remember anyway.

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