Mum never visited Hospitalised granddaughter

[RupGill23]

Hi, I have a 16 week old girl. She was just this week hospitalised for a bad infection (after GP said it was viral). She's doing well now but was in for a few nights. During that time I expected my mum to visit her granddaughter, because she was so unwell and my mum is 30 mins from the hospital and I needed support. This isn't the first time I felt unsupported.

Back story, I had a pretty traumatic labour and as a result pretty bad baby blues and was unsupported after by my mum. She would come over and I would buy shopping, cook and clean and mind the baby while she sat on my sofa and watched TV. I said to my mum I felt unsupported and she said she knew she could do more. So I thought this time now my baby is unwell she would support me. Anyway she didn't visit and still hasn't.

Am I expecting too much ? Am I unreasonable to say to her that she should have visited her grand daughter? I feel such sadness in my heart over everything.

Thank you

Yes, there are families where 30 people pile in, and it's a compete PITA. They are usually the type to have no awareness whatsoever, so are loud, take chairs from every available place and make life difficult for everyone.

Apologies, I don't have time to respond to everyone, so was addressing all at the same time. My partner was with me, he is supportive and a great dad. I just wanted some emotional support from my mum during a time that was so stressful. Whether that's right or wrong, who knows.

she's your parent not the babies. you can't force her to help. This generation of grandparents just aren't the same as ours and seem to be very self absorbed. My nan looked after us every day while mom worked but my mother has never offered to have my kids. Don't hold it against her, they aren't her kids.

I can't believe the nasty comments on this thread, turning the talk about whole families invading hospitals when OP has only mentioned she wanted her mum there.

People are only responding to other posters saying their whole families turn up. Threads do evolve.

i don’t think anyone suggested that the Op wanted the whole family. They were replying to other posters who suggested many family members would all go.

@RupGill23 it’s not wrong to want support. But if both parents were there it might not be the best idea to have other people in and out.

@RupGill23 It sounds like there a lot of back story here. But sometimes people don’t know what ‘support me’ looks like. They need specifics. So ‘I need you to just come sit with me in the hospital’ or ‘can you make a cup of tea while I feed the baby’ and so on.

Having read your updates, I think it’s time that you start accepting that your mum isn’t someone that you can count on. I’m shocked that she admitted that she can never feel the same about you and your sister!
If you detach and expect nothing from her then you won’t be disappointed when she offers no support. It’s good that you have a supportive partner. What’s your relationship with MIL like? Did she visit her granddaughter in hospital?

For my depth my sister has 4 children, and lives a similar distance from my mum. She is visited and supported regularly. My mum also recently sat me down to let me know she know she treats me differently but she's unable to feel the same about me, as she does my sister.

How unbelievably heartless of your mum. Why on earth wouldn't she keep feelings like this to herself?

I think in light of her comments you need to manage your expectations of her and perhaps distance yourself from her.

This isn't how normal mothers behave. For what it's worth, if you were my dd, I'd have focused on supporting you while your baby was in hospital rather than visiting her. By that I mean giving you lifts/going with you on public transport. Being there to comfort you, fetch you a cup of tea etc
When you first brought baby home I'd have been doing my level best to help, but taking guidance from you. For example asking if you want me to come round or would prefer time on your own. If the former I'd be taking your favourite foods, asking if you'd like to have a snooze while I look after baby, or would you like me to do some household jobs while you look after baby.

That's how I think most good mothers would behave and I'm extremely sorry you haven't got one.

I’m so sorry OP this sounds incredibly painful.

For reasons you may or may not be aware of your mum has some attachment issues with you that must have been so hard to hear and her behaviour now is part of that.

Her distance and lack of care is inevitably hurting you and I think the best thing you can is step back from her. Therapy may help you in the longer term to explore her behaviour but for now I would focus on surrounding yourself with people who love you and can nurture you especially in this really vulnerable time of being a new mum yourself. Friends, cousins, DP and his family. Seek the people who have a positive connection with you. Family is who we make it.

But don’t underestimate how painful it is to have a poor maternal relationship and ensure you are honest and kind with yourself about its impact.

You sound lovely and like you are reaching out to your mum and she is not responding so try and make some space and focus on your needs and that of your beautiful DD.

This reads so sad to me OP. I'd be there like a shot if either DD wanted/needed me to be and have done. I can't do much physically to help but emotional support is something we can all give.

Oh come on. Visiting after the birth and sitting around watching tv and not raising a finger to help is by any standards shit.

Typically people would be bringing you meals and watching baby while you had a nap.

How supportive has she been previously?

From being a teenager I have known that my mum isn't the person I turn to for support. I still hear how hard it was "for her" when I had a severe mental breakdown at 18. Never any mention of how hard it might have been for me. I had my daughter during covid and now I hear how hard it was for her not being able to see "her granddaughter" and no mention of how her daughter might have been finding it difficult having no support with a high needs and unwell baby during a pandemic.

I never expect support from her as I won't get it and if I do I will be beaten with it for decades about how hard it was for her. I have great support from my partner and his parents. I find myself support with professionals. I don't ask my mum unless I really have too

well, I wouldn't have wanted anyone to do that, and don't think any new parents I have ever visited have wanted it either

Is it possible your DM was unaware that she could visit in hospital?
Since Covid, I thought some hospitals did not allow visitors that were not parents on children wards, I am probably wrong, but maybe she thought this also?
It was horrible of her to tell you that she is unable to treat you the same as your siblings though, it must have been crushing to hear that.

Try not to let your mother’s attitude towards you affect you. This is about her, not you. She is the one with the problem - she shouldn’t have told you that she felt differently about you and tried harder to hide it by being supportive. If she was my mother I would cut off contact with her, she’s just going to be a negative influence in your life. I would probably avoid contact with my sister too. Some people don’t deserve to be parents and your mother is one of them.