Mum never visited Hospitalised granddaughter

[RupGill23]

Hi, I have a 16 week old girl. She was just this week hospitalised for a bad infection (after GP said it was viral). She's doing well now but was in for a few nights. During that time I expected my mum to visit her granddaughter, because she was so unwell and my mum is 30 mins from the hospital and I needed support. This isn't the first time I felt unsupported.

Back story, I had a pretty traumatic labour and as a result pretty bad baby blues and was unsupported after by my mum. She would come over and I would buy shopping, cook and clean and mind the baby while she sat on my sofa and watched TV. I said to my mum I felt unsupported and she said she knew she could do more. So I thought this time now my baby is unwell she would support me. Anyway she didn't visit and still hasn't.

Am I expecting too much ? Am I unreasonable to say to her that she should have visited her grand daughter? I feel such sadness in my heart over everything.

Thank you

I’ve never had anyone visit my little ones in hospital. I think people see hospital visiting as something we do for the benefit of the patient, to break up the monotony of their day or bring items they might need. It wouldn’t occur to me that an infectious baby would need visitors.

I do understand that that you’re disappointed that DM didn’t help you out after the birth, but maybe focus on the fact that she visited at all. This meant that you could do things that you wouldn’t otherwise have been able to do. That’s still support. How many mums see nobody and would love to have someone watch baby for half an hour so they can shower and grab a bite to eat?

Also look at your part in this. We need to ask when we need help, most people won’t generally volunteer. Your mother isn’t a mind reader. How many threads on MN of new mums complaining about relatives coming in and ‘taking over’ when baby comes? DMs/MILs are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. Ask her for what you need her to do, like an adult. You’re not a five year old whose needs she must second-guess anymore.

You must be feeling really fragile right now, but don’t demonise your mum. Hope your little one is on the mend now. x

Your mother might be one of those people who need explicit instructions. “Mum, could you visit X in hospital and bring some snacks ?” “Mum, I’ve not spoken to an adult in days so can you come round and keep me company?” “Mum, my house is a tip, can you come round and hold baby while I catch up on cleaning?”
Not everyone is able to think in a neurotypical way and think “I will ask my dd if she’d like me to do some cleaning” because she might be one of those people who don’t like others touching their stuff or cleaning “wrong”.
I’m assuming that your mum is a nice person because you’re in contact and look to her for support. She might be able to meet your expectations better if you’re explicit about what you’d like.

So what’s the point of visiting anyone in hospital ever? According to this thread if a persons in hospital there’s nothing you can do so no point visiting.

They don’t hospitalise babies because their really healthy this baby is 16 weeks old so tiny and in need of inpatient treatment already.

I had an inlaw who didn’t visit her dying grandchild which I thought was harsh but after reading this thread I see a lot of you wouldn’t bother either.

You'd all be there? How many? On one of the many occasions we've been in hospital the child in room next to us had a whole host of family in to visit, they made the ward chaos with their noise and it was a nightmare for those of us trying to manage and care for our sick babies, but hey they got to tag and post on fb about it.

No, that’s completely different.

Hospitals don’t need or want lots of relatives hanging about when a child is in hospital for ‘a few nights’.

Thank you all for your messages. Some are really helpful and it's good to consider other people's opinions on my situation, that's what I was looking for...

For my depth my sister has 4 children, and lives a similar distance from my mum. She is visited and supported regularly. My mum also recently sat me down to let me know she know she treats me differently but she's unable to feel the same about me, as she does my sister. I suppose from that conversation I have taken it personally everytime she let's me down. Perhaps I should just focus on my little unit. I cannot make someone care to the level I would.

On a side note, I do think some of you should reflect on how you communicate your opinon and comment on individuals threads. Words can be hurtful aswell as helpful.

Thank you all.

Regardless, I still wouldn't have expected her to visit.
So where is the father? He'd still be first in my line of fire.
The sister issue is a separate matter.

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose If your like this in real life I can see why no one turned up for you.

When patients comment other families are loud they usually say “I’m not racial but…” first. I have yet to hear a patient complain about W.A.S.P patient.

Your first mistake is having any expectation of help with your child. You can't force these things. Either you accept the status quo or you don't.

Whilst I couldn't imagine not being there for my DD/GC and think it's pretty cold-hearted of your mum- that's the way she does things.

It's up to you to do things differently if you want to. Letting it eat you up won't change things.

You’ve obviously never been in North Manchester General! When my DD was in there it felt like it had been overrun by the cast of Shameless, turning up by the busload with their McDonalds. 🤦🏻‍♀️

@ElevenSeven Well he didn’t take long to die so it was only a few nights and babies dad was there so by this measure mom didn’t need support.

@RupGill23 Sounds like there’s a massive backstory to your mother’s relationship with you compared to your sister and you’ve been let down.

Think you've jumped the shark there! Am also assuming you've never been in hospital with a sick baby while there's hordes of people not actually visiting the baby but more interested in having a social catch up.
Bizarre extrapolation of yours!

This is so sad and I’m quite surprised at all the people saying it’s not normal for a grandparent to visit a child in hospital. Do none of you have close families? In my family it’s normal to be there for each other. When my DC were young and had to be hospitalised a couple of times I had both sets of grandparents turn up, often with food, to support. That support might look like a break for the mum for ten minutes to leave the baby and have a wash/ chat with friend. Or maybe to just show that you care if baby is ok.
Im sorry OP, your mum sounds crap although it clearly goes way beyond this. Why on earth did she say she can’t love you like your sister?

@RupGill23 sorry but you are an adult! why do you need someone to support you?

Of course it's not harsh. Her mother visited and just sat there watching the television while she struggled. Don't you have any compassion at all?

She came, she kept her company, that is what visitors do - most people would not want any interference in the running of the household, that is not what visitors do! And it is not what people generally want visitors to do. Little babies don't need much anyway. I can see the point of offering to take out a toddler to the park for an hour as a relative, but there isn't much to do when they are this little

Yanbu OP and I hope your baby makes a speedy recovery.

I'm just thinking about my lovely MIL, if either of the kids were in hospital... it's true we wouldn't think of her visiting in hospital due to infection risk, but she'd be at our place, bringing home cooked food and helping to get the place in order so dh and I could focus on the child. It's what supportive families do.

Op you might have to lower your expectations of your dm and ask someone else for help - are you close to your in laws for example?

Wow! This has got to be one of the most heartless comments I have ever seen on mumsnet

You need to give yourself a wobble @allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld

Do you seriously think that as soon as someone turns 18 they turn into automatons with no feelings or capacity to show any empathy?
You clearly haven't had the worry of having a small baby being ill enough to require admission to hospital.

This is MN so you are supposed to be completely self sufficient and never need anything or expect anything from anyone. Ever.

I agree. Some of the posters on here have clearly had an empathy bypass.

My mum also recently sat me down to let me know she know she treats me differently but she's unable to feel the same about me, as she does my sister.

What a shitty thing to say to your own daughter

She came, she kept her company, that is what visitors do

It's her own mother. It's a pretty shitty thing to do to visit someone who has just had a baby and expect to be waited on hand and foot @notknowledgeable

@RupGill23 Ignore the morninc comments on here. I hope your DD makes a speedy and full recovery. I have walked in your shoes (too many times) and I get it

@RampantIvy, Thank you so much. I appreciate your leveled comments in the sea of negative ones :)

I think you should have asked for help if you needed it before jumping to judge your mum.
Many people would not think you needed help whilst in hospital for a short stay as they don’t understand how hard it can be to find time to get food etc when you’re supporting a child.

Hi, I did ask for help/ support. But it didn't seem to change anything. I did try.

But did you tell her what support you wanted?

Since you are avoiding questions about the father and your own father, I assume they are around but you (perhaps) don’t have the same expectations. Probably a sub conscious thought process.

However, your mum sitting you down and telling you she doesn’t feel the same way about you as she does about your sister is awful. Was there any context with that?

yes she should have come to the hospital to see her granddaughter and to be there for you, and yes she should have supported you more when you had post natal depression. of course she should, she's your mother and your daughters grandmother.

Why has nobody noticed that the mum admitted that she prefers the OP's sister? That was awful. My mother was the same

I have a dd who is pregnant at the moment and I'll be there for her every step of the way if her and her DH need me. I also have other ( adult) dc and I would do the same for them.

I hope your dd is ok OP. Sending you