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Original poster

Co-parenting disaster - advice needed

60 replies

Anon4224 · 23/01/2024 11:24

So I split with my ex partner nearly 2 years ago due to emotionally abusive behaviour (always accusing me of being a liar in certain situations and making me feel bad for working full time) etc etc etc. it was a bitter end and didn’t go down well with him as you can imagine and I have had to put up with him attempting to be controlling via text messages with the child arrangements etc. I have allowed it and let him basically walk all over me as he has been paying half the mortgage (doesn’t want to lose his half or something?) I pay all other bills and he gives me no money for anything else. Also just to note he has threatened me many times with court action hence I have complied.

After a lot of disagreeing and back and forth, it was agreed he would see our daughter on a Wednesday and every other weekend so she has regular contact. My daughter is 3 so I didn’t want too much back and forth as it upsets her when she’s home with me. However, he works shift work on a 3 shift pattern and on one of the shifts my daughter is expected to stay with his mum to accommodate for him to see her for 3 hours the following morning. He then wants her on a Friday afternoon even when not his weekend? This whole thing upsets my daughter and creates a lot of issues for me when she’s home especially at the weekends. With regards to pick up and drop offs, he expects me to drop my daughter to him on a Friday during my working hours for him and he’ll drop her home. I have done this to comply.

now there is so much to this story I could go on but I have also had a dispute with my neighbour over my daughter having tantrums which have since subsided quite a lot but when she’s heard me shout or my daughter crying for more than a few minutes, she’s banging on the door. Now the other day she text my ex without me knowing and he’s been siding with her saying he’s concerned about me and will not disclose who said neighbour is who contacted him although I know full well. Since this incident, I feel sick of people pushing me around and now I am refusing to do any picking up or dropping off as if he wants to see his daughter, he should come and pick her up and drop her home. Am I wrong? I feel fed up of people trying to bring me down. The neighbour threatened me thinking I couldn’t see it on a Facebook group with the CSA. I have been in bits and the fact he is siding with her without knowing the facts but constantly accuses me of being a liar but wants to trust someone who he doesn’t even know past their name and to say hi to them in the street.

am I wrong? Should I be doing more? I do all of the pick up and drop offs in the week and appointments and running around after my daughter. I buy all her shoes and clothes and pay all the bills including childcare and work a full time job. Am I the one in the wrong??

OP posts:
regenerate · 23/01/2024 11:28

incident, I feel sick of people pushing me around and now I am refusing to do any picking up or dropping off as if he wants to see his daughter, he should come and pick her up and drop her home. Am I wrong? I

yes. you are being unreasonable. This is not in interest of your daughter. It is not the way to handle the situation op

Echobelly · 23/01/2024 11:30

I don't think you're doing anything wrong . Three year olds have tantrums and parents can find it hard and shout, it sounds like your neighbour is being extremely interfering if they really are making a fuss after just 'a few minutes' of crying.

You're in your rights to ask him to take more responsibility for stuff - I wonder if you need a simpler arrangement, maybe every other weekend with him as it sounds like midweek is disruptive with his shift work.

Original poster
Anon4224 · 23/01/2024 11:32

I have asked for a simpler arrangement and he absolutely does not want to do this under no circumstances and believes he is well within his rights to disrupt her like this in the week. In my opinion, he gets paid a premium to work these shifts. Where is my daughter’s compensation for her week being changed continuously?

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

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Families Relationship problems
regenerate · 23/01/2024 11:34

You need to go to a family law solicitor and get the arrangement formalised

it isn’t working

Original poster
Anon4224 · 23/01/2024 11:35

You got that right. I cannot afford a solicitor however so I’d be on my own with that.

OP posts:
MariaVT65 · 23/01/2024 11:38

Please don’t start being petty over things or talk about pretty much resenting/wanting credit for clothing your daughter or taking her to medical appointments.

I would recommend you get some advice from a solicitor about a way to move forward and what your rights are. The financial arrangement you have doesn’t sound suitable at all. Paying mortgage is no excuse for not paying towards children, and you either need to sell your house or buy him out. You don’t want to be financially tied to this man.

Original poster
Anon4224 · 23/01/2024 11:38

How is it he gets to be the way he is? It just seems to unjust.

OP posts:
MariaVT65 · 23/01/2024 11:39

You at least need to pay for one meeting with a solicitor for some initial advice about your rights as you don’t seem to know what they are. Also give citizens advice and women’s aid a call.

YoBeaches · 23/01/2024 11:39

None of this set up is right.

Your ex is still controlling you and is controlling your daughter also.

Contact women's aid and see if they can support with legal help.

What is the financial situation? Who owns the house? Do you have savings? Do you work full time?

Do you have family support?

Original poster
Anon4224 · 23/01/2024 11:40

I do not resent paying for my daughter or taking her to appointments but it seems a bit of a joke that he does nothing else for her? He expects it to come from me whilst he has his cake and eats it. I just feel angry but I understand it to be seen as petty. I will look into what my rights are.

OP posts:
MariaVT65 · 23/01/2024 11:40

Anon4224 · 23/01/2024 11:38

How is it he gets to be the way he is? It just seems to unjust.

Stop thinking about this and start being proactive to change this situation.

MariaVT65 · 23/01/2024 11:40

Anon4224 · 23/01/2024 11:40

I do not resent paying for my daughter or taking her to appointments but it seems a bit of a joke that he does nothing else for her? He expects it to come from me whilst he has his cake and eats it. I just feel angry but I understand it to be seen as petty. I will look into what my rights are.

He should absolutely be paying towards his daughter, and you have let him get away with not doing so. Make changes now.

Phonedown · 23/01/2024 11:41
  1. The mortgage payment and child maintenance are separate things. If he want to keep investing in the home in the hope that there is equal equity split when the house is sold then he can do that if you are both happy with it. But he should still be paying for his child. If he can't afford to do both then he needs to accept that he will not receive equal equity.
  1. Children can cope well with contact arrangements that you have described. One day during the week and every other weekend is an extremely common contact pattern.
  1. Children respond to their parents stress levels and animosity. They are most adversely affected by parental conflict.
  1. Of course you don't NEED to do both pick ups AND drop offs. But it is usual to do one or the other.
regenerate · 23/01/2024 11:42

Anon4224 · 23/01/2024 11:38

How is it he gets to be the way he is? It just seems to unjust.

OP the way you’re going about this… he will go for 50/50

so you will lose a lot of time with your daughter
and he won’t have to pay you a thing

regenerate · 23/01/2024 11:43

you aren’t married op

So you’re right. he’s not been paying you a penny

he had been contributing to his half of an investment

Mrsttcno1 · 23/01/2024 11:44

Phonedown · 23/01/2024 11:41

  1. The mortgage payment and child maintenance are separate things. If he want to keep investing in the home in the hope that there is equal equity split when the house is sold then he can do that if you are both happy with it. But he should still be paying for his child. If he can't afford to do both then he needs to accept that he will not receive equal equity.
  1. Children can cope well with contact arrangements that you have described. One day during the week and every other weekend is an extremely common contact pattern.
  1. Children respond to their parents stress levels and animosity. They are most adversely affected by parental conflict.
  1. Of course you don't NEED to do both pick ups AND drop offs. But it is usual to do one or the other.

This is good advice.

The only thing I would add though is are you financially able to buy him out of the house?

Because if you push it through properly to get CMS and to get a properly arranged schedule, he could well decide he can’t/won’t pay CMS & the mortgage and so he could force you to sell the house so that he can have “his” share of the equity with which to move on.

Reugny · 23/01/2024 11:44

You both need to change your child arrangements to fit around his shift pattern as it clearly regular enough even though it isn't a weekly pattern.

Child contact can be any pattern agreed between the parents as long as it is regular so predictable to the child.

That means instead of your DD staying with his mum overnight and seeing him on Wednesday morning she sees him on Friday afternoon.

The point of contact is to have a relationship with her father not his mother.

You really do not want his mother to look after her like that on her own as if anything happens to him or if he decides to go to Court it could cause problems for you in the future.

You then must also agree between you to do drop offs and pick ups.

Reugny · 23/01/2024 11:48

I just feel angry but I understand it to be seen as petty. I will look into what my rights are.

You don't have rights towards your child. You as a parent have responsibilities.

If he won't step up fully to his then you need to.

You also should ensure anyone without parental responsibility e.g. his mother does very minimal solo care for your child. Otherwise if things kick off they can demand contact through the Court.

sandyhappypeople · 23/01/2024 11:53

If you weren't married, who's house is it? Who's named on the mortgage? Can you afford to move out? It's the only thing at the minute that he can control you with.

I think it's completely unreasonable for his time with her to be with his mum, at the very least that part needs knocking on the head/changing as it's upsetting and disruptive for her, but you should try and remain amicable(!) but not because of threats from him, because it's what's best for your daughter, he should be sharing the pick up and drop offs anyway.

the neighbour is just a stick to beat you with, a way of breaking you down, ignore it completely, and stop shouting at your daughter.

Sodndashitall · 23/01/2024 11:58

You need to get all this properly documented and so I'm afraid you'll need to get to a solicitor.
If he's paying.half the mortgage and you are living in the property then he will want to recoup his investment. So this needs to be written down, what will he get and when. Ideally I'd sell it and then just buy yourself what you can afford.
In terms of access, you don't need a solicitor necessarily but you do need to get it written up (Google parenting plan) and then agree all this stuff. Who dro0s off and picks up. It's not reasonable to ask you to drop off in your working hours but it may be better for you to do some drop off or pick up to facilitate the contact.
You should also be going via CMS to get the maintenance to support the costs of your DC. That's absolutely not related to the mortgage which needs resolving separately. You can also put in parenting plan how other costs are covered eg uniforms etc

Sul126 · 23/01/2024 12:01

A dysregulated parent cannot support a dysregulated child to manage their emotions. You need to manage your emotions first before you can support your child with there’s.

You need to learn to step back and manage the situation I’m a business like fashion.

1.Get legal advice on your rights
2.Put in a CMS claim
3.Drop the day when the ex isn’t around
4.Set up an email address for contact with the extra and only monitor this once a week just before contact and only respond when absolutely necessarY
5.Sell the house so you feel secure around your living arrangements and there’s one less thing to fight about

Original poster
Anon4224 · 23/01/2024 12:32

sandyhappypeople · 23/01/2024 11:53

If you weren't married, who's house is it? Who's named on the mortgage? Can you afford to move out? It's the only thing at the minute that he can control you with.

I think it's completely unreasonable for his time with her to be with his mum, at the very least that part needs knocking on the head/changing as it's upsetting and disruptive for her, but you should try and remain amicable(!) but not because of threats from him, because it's what's best for your daughter, he should be sharing the pick up and drop offs anyway.

the neighbour is just a stick to beat you with, a way of breaking you down, ignore it completely, and stop shouting at your daughter.

It’s joint in our names so both on the mortgage. I cannot afford to move out as I have no means to save after my expenses. Cost of living is mad out here. I agree and was happy for him to have her the Wednesdays he is able to but he cannot when on a shift pattern which means he works from the afternoons into the evenings. I then work and need to get her to a childminder in the mornings and cannot risk waiting for him to turn up on time to take her for a couple of hours? It’s difficult. I am lost but need to take action. I do not shout at my child often it has been when at breaking point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon4224 · 23/01/2024 12:33

Reugny · 23/01/2024 11:48

I just feel angry but I understand it to be seen as petty. I will look into what my rights are.

You don't have rights towards your child. You as a parent have responsibilities.

If he won't step up fully to his then you need to.

You also should ensure anyone without parental responsibility e.g. his mother does very minimal solo care for your child. Otherwise if things kick off they can demand contact through the Court.

I did not know this about solo care with his mum so I will knock it on the head and say no to it. If he wants her he’ll have to ensure he picks her up very early in the mornings so I can get to work on time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon4224 · 23/01/2024 12:37

Reugny · 23/01/2024 11:44

You both need to change your child arrangements to fit around his shift pattern as it clearly regular enough even though it isn't a weekly pattern.

Child contact can be any pattern agreed between the parents as long as it is regular so predictable to the child.

That means instead of your DD staying with his mum overnight and seeing him on Wednesday morning she sees him on Friday afternoon.

The point of contact is to have a relationship with her father not his mother.

You really do not want his mother to look after her like that on her own as if anything happens to him or if he decides to go to Court it could cause problems for you in the future.

You then must also agree between you to do drop offs and pick ups.

On that week she stays over, it is not possible for him to have her on a Friday afternoon as he works then hence he sees her the Thursday morning. You’re right though, this needs knocking on the head.

OP posts:
regenerate · 23/01/2024 12:38

Anon4224 · 23/01/2024 12:33

I did not know this about solo care with his mum so I will knock it on the head and say no to it. If he wants her he’ll have to ensure he picks her up very early in the mornings so I can get to work on time.

Show quote history

you can’t say no to it op

seriously you are on shaky grounds