Co-parenting disaster - advice needed

[Anon4224]

So I split with my ex partner nearly 2 years ago due to emotionally abusive behaviour (always accusing me of being a liar in certain situations and making me feel bad for working full time) etc etc etc. it was a bitter end and didn’t go down well with him as you can imagine and I have had to put up with him attempting to be controlling via text messages with the child arrangements etc. I have allowed it and let him basically walk all over me as he has been paying half the mortgage (doesn’t want to lose his half or something?) I pay all other bills and he gives me no money for anything else. Also just to note he has threatened me many times with court action hence I have complied.

After a lot of disagreeing and back and forth, it was agreed he would see our daughter on a Wednesday and every other weekend so she has regular contact. My daughter is 3 so I didn’t want too much back and forth as it upsets her when she’s home with me. However, he works shift work on a 3 shift pattern and on one of the shifts my daughter is expected to stay with his mum to accommodate for him to see her for 3 hours the following morning. He then wants her on a Friday afternoon even when not his weekend? This whole thing upsets my daughter and creates a lot of issues for me when she’s home especially at the weekends. With regards to pick up and drop offs, he expects me to drop my daughter to him on a Friday during my working hours for him and he’ll drop her home. I have done this to comply.

now there is so much to this story I could go on but I have also had a dispute with my neighbour over my daughter having tantrums which have since subsided quite a lot but when she’s heard me shout or my daughter crying for more than a few minutes, she’s banging on the door. Now the other day she text my ex without me knowing and he’s been siding with her saying he’s concerned about me and will not disclose who said neighbour is who contacted him although I know full well. Since this incident, I feel sick of people pushing me around and now I am refusing to do any picking up or dropping off as if he wants to see his daughter, he should come and pick her up and drop her home. Am I wrong? I feel fed up of people trying to bring me down. The neighbour threatened me thinking I couldn’t see it on a Facebook group with the CSA. I have been in bits and the fact he is siding with her without knowing the facts but constantly accuses me of being a liar but wants to trust someone who he doesn’t even know past their name and to say hi to them in the street.

am I wrong? Should I be doing more? I do all of the pick up and drop offs in the week and appointments and running around after my daughter. I buy all her shoes and clothes and pay all the bills including childcare and work a full time job. Am I the one in the wrong??

If he is not there then I can say no to his mum caring for her? It is for her to see her dad not his mum.

Most solicitors will give a little bit of free advice before charging.

As hard as it is try to just stick to facts and just accept your ex and your neighbour are nasty people you'll drive yourself mad thinking 'they should ...' I agree with you but they are selfish. I'm in same boat with my ex and I feel more at peace having zero expectations of decency from him. Don't answer the door to the neighbour but you can email her asking to stop harassing you, if she continues then you can go to the police with dates and times. Children cry my neighbours kids do all the time I wouldn't dream of banging
On their door.

Just email ex and state the times your daughter is free for contact and say that you are unable to drop off at these times but you could at this time (if you can) and please can he confirm. You need to set boundaries and he might not like them and he might moan but that's his problem not yours.

Also, would half the mortgage be more than 12% of his salary? You might be better off claiming child maintenance than expecting him to pay half a mortgage. Your ex seems unaware that whoever is actually paying the mortgage if it and the house is in both your names 50-50 he'll still get 50% when it's sold.

Problem is, the controlling ways of him is done so subtly and emotionally i almost feel it doesn’t show in texts as much? Could be me but it makes me very uncomfortable.

financial situation is not fantastic I work full time and earn an ok wage but not enough to buy me a property if selling. It’s a joint ownership on the house. I have some savings but not much and have family supporting me but no one who has been through this.

Knock the Fridays on the head and say on the Wednesdays he can't have her he can have a different weekday instead either that week or the week before/after.

You need to get the finances sorted. Selling up to be out of his control is worth it tbh. Could you afford shared ownership instead?

By paying the mortgage he is protecting his financial interest. He should be paying CMS as well tbh.

But he could pay zero mortgage and just child
Maintenance and he'd still be entitled to half the property the mortgage company doesn't care who's paying as long as someone is.. it's more common for whoever stays in the home
To cover it as the person who moves out needs to pay rent

so according to you -

dad says - Im not doing any drops offs or picks up you need to do it - thats reasonable

Mum finally says - Ive had enough of doing all the drop offs and pick ups, you need to start pulling your weight and doing them - massively unreasonable

Riiiight

In all honesty you need to sell the house so you have no ties to him apart from child maintenance. You need to stop resenting shifts and instead focus on a schedule that works for you all, and yes a bit of flexibility is a good thing, both of you. A session with a mediator would be a good starting point, and to both agree to come into it with an open mind. I just think until you sell the house he has it all in his favour

I don’t have anywhere to go if I sell the house. You’re right, he holds a lot over me and absolutely knows it himself. He uses it against me a lot. Problem is, anything I ever suggest ends up not being what he wants ever and he kicks off big time. He wants everything his way or the highway as I have tried to be amicable about this before and sort it.

This man is so controlling, you have at least 15 years more of this.

And don’t I know it, my god it’s daunting. I can’t believe this is my life some days. What a crazy world.

Stop being surprised that he acts like a dick and sell the house after getting some legal advice. You can’t stay attached to him. And if you can’t afford a deposit on a smaller property then you can rent. Bottom line is that you need to separate from him financially.

I can’t afford rent where I live but thanks.

If you rent and don't have savings and a low income you will be eligible for partial or full housing allowance in a UC claim.

Yes your standard of living will drop but CMS is excluded from UC calculations.

Have you looked at shared housing?

This man will do everything he can to continue to control and punish you.

You should not be shouting and it sounds like the shouting isn’t a one-off. How is your daughter going to learn how to communicate without tantruming if you are effectively tantruming right at her?

are you very young?

@Anon4224 you have to try and gain some control here.

1. How much maintenance would he be paying if you went through CMS? Is it more or less than the contribution to the mortgage?

1. How much could you claim in terms of UC for income/childcare top up?

1. What are you likely to come out of a house sale with?

I know you say you can't rent but you need to do something so do loads of research and start thinking about what is in your power to change.

Getting contact arrangements sorted is part of that. It has to be child centred and work for her but it might mean going to court.

I don't think you have any rights to prevent her grandmother providing any childcare when she's with her dad.
Unless GM is a risk to her, no court is going to agree with that. Unless you think he has a right to tell you who can babysit when she's with you?

dad who has eow and one day during the week asks for another evening

op says no and stops all that has been arranged by way of pick up / drop offs

he is a twat

but the op has responded in the exact way that would go down like a lead ballon in family court

I don’t know how much he would be paying as he refuses to disclose any financials to me regarding his pay so the online calculators are useless without this info.

I need to find out if I am entitled to any UC I have been looking into this already.

looking right now at getting the house valued and see what they suggest.

I am wondering if I sell the house and then go to the council as homeless so they house me in emergency accommodation this is the only other way of doing this.

I am only concerned as he literally isn’t even there and she’s the one picking her up and having her overnight when I don’t feel like it’s really necessary for the sake of a couple of hours in the morning for him? He normally has seen her that weekend or will be due to have contact the following weekend. I haven’t got a clue to be honest.

I don't think you have any rights to prevent her grandmother providing any childcare when she's with her dad.

She doesn't but there are ways of not handing over her child to a third party.

It's a case of the OP asking him exactly when he works and sorting out a pattern that may not be weekly or even biweekly.

The OP mustn't treat him like childcare either.

Yes it is crap for the OP but she has over a decade of parenting with this guy, and three year olds tend to be easier to deal with than adolescents.

not sure he’d exactly look favourable to the court either but hey ho. At the end of the day, it’ll fall on me.

the council won’t house you in those circumstances as it will be seen as making yourself homeless, also most councils will want to see financials (ours do)

There is no hope 🤣 if I can’t afford a house and have to sell, what does that say? It’s crazy.

You have to rent privately and then at some point be evicted using bailiffs using a section 21.

(Yes this country's housing situation is completely fucked up.)

OP the only way you can help yourself here is to completely disentangle your life from his- except from your joint child.

The problem you have with pushing back or pushing for anything is that he still holds all of the power with your home. If you push, then he could and probably will push back and say okay- get out of the house then it needs to be sold. He’s well within his rights to want HIS equity from the house as he jointly owns it.

You need to take back control before you start pushing because at that point you have the power and nothing to lose.

Amazing. What a country. Wtf this is mental. I may have a breakdown at this rate I am in such a state and nowhere to turn.